


As the snow flies

by louloubaby92



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Friends, Drug Dealer Zayn, Fluff and Angst, Forced Prostitution, Foster Care, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Injury, Injury Recovery, M/M, Minor Character Death, Poor Louis, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad with a Happy Ending, Separation Anxiety, Student Harry, Sweet Harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:48:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 108,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25692334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louloubaby92/pseuds/louloubaby92
Summary: ’'I can’t sleep without you anymore. Got used to you.’’Harry is always like that, so transparent with his feelings, so abundant with his love. He cuddles Niall the most, always stares up at Zayn like he’s something cool and out of this world, always attentively serious with Liam and always helping Leona out in the kitchen.  He’s not so different from the shy, timid boy he’d first met, still stands pigeon toed when he’s waiting for Louis and the lads to go home after school, still stands with his shoulders all hunched but then he sees Louis and suddenly he’s taller, brighter, smile and dimples on full display.He’s so beautiful.-Or the fic in which Louis and Harry are foster kids who get separated long before they could even understand what loving each other means. They were so young and since then, circumstances had made Louis tough, had forced him to harden up. What happens when he and Harry meet again?
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 222
Kudos: 325





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I wouldn't call this fic a slow burn but it's going to have a high chapter count (I think) and as you all know, I always finish my fics so if I slow down a bit in updating, do not fret or worry :D
> 
> Tread lightly please. Heed the tags and move forward carefully. A gentle reminder that this is fiction and all characters are fictitious
> 
> Song inspired by ''In the ghetto'' by Elvis Presley

_I have loved you since we were 18_   
_Long before we both thought the same thing_   
_To be loved, to be in love_   
_All I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you_   
_I wanna love like you made me feel_   
_When we were 18_

-One Direction, 18

Louis was 17, six months away from his 18th birthday, when he’d met Harry.

He was on kitchen duty when his mum – foster mum, he reminds himself- calls out to him...

‘’Open the door, Louis! It’s the new kid!’’

Louis turns the stove on low and rushes to the door. He’s one of four foster care kids in Leona’s care, has been with her since he was 15 years old and though he wasn’t that crazy about the old woman, he’d come to respect her and obey her like he would his real mum.

Louis opens the door to a police officer and a lady in formal attire, a kid with curly hair framing his face standing between them, holding unto his rucksack to his front, hands white-knuckled and face turned towards his feet.

‘’Where’s your mum, kid?’’ the officer asks.

‘’Not my mum.’’ Louis says. It’s an automatic response, not one he means anymore but because he doesn’t want to forget that he had a mum before her, one who loved him with all her heart and didn’t choose to leave him.

‘’Oh hi, Phil.’’ Leona comes up from behind him and gently pushes Louis aside. ‘’Hi Bella. Come on in. Louis, go be a dear and get them some ice-tea.’’

‘’Okay.’’ He leaves Leona to it and goes back to the kitchen. He tries not to eavesdrop, tries to catch glimpses of the new boy’s face when he brings over a tray of glasses and a pitcher of ice tea.

‘’Louis, why don’t you show Harry here around?’’ Leona asks right when he was about to leave.

‘’I’m on kitchen duty.’’ Louis reminds her.

‘’Then take Harry with you to the kitchen, finish up and then show him around.’’ Leona insists before she turns to Harry. ‘’Go on, dear.’’

Harry gets up immediately and follows Louis to the kitchen. Louis knows what it’s like to be a bit wary of new places, looking over your shoulder and being afraid of corners. That’s what Harry looks like now and Louis lets him explore the small greasy kitchen with his eyes while he tends to the stir-fried vegetables he’s cooking on the stove.

''Would you like some ice tea?'' Louis asks.

''I have some.'' Harry says quietly and Louis notices he's got a glass of ice tea in one hand. 

''Oh okay.'' 

‘’It tastes good.’’ his deep voice says.

Louis looks up and looks at him properly. He sees big green eyes, hunched shoulders and hands back to clutching his rucksack to his chest after putting the empty glass in the sink.

''Glad you liked it.''

''What's your name?''

‘’I’m Louis.’’ Louis says with a smile. He doesn’t offer his hand and he keeps his distance. He knows how much that means as well, to give as much breathing space as possible.

‘’I’m Harry.’’

‘’Nice to meet you, Harry.’’ Louis says, eyes returning to the vegetables in the pan.

‘’How old are you?’’ Harry asks.

‘’I’m 17.’’ Louis answers. ‘’You?’’

‘’16.’’ Harry replies. ‘’You’ve been here long?’’

‘’Yeah, since I was 15.’’ Louis says before he plates the vegetables and turns off the stove.

‘’Are there others here?’’ Harry asks quietly and Louis tries not to mind him as he starts preparing salad. He knows that this question is important to Harry, knows that he needs to armor himself and be prepared for what he’s going to be up against.

‘’Yeah, there’s Zayn, Liam and Niall.’’ Louis says as he chops some carrots. ‘’Zayn and Liam are 17 and Niall is 16 but Leona told me about your birthday. I’m the eldest and you’re apparently the youngest now. Niall will like that.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because he won’t be the baby of the group anymore.’’ Louis smiles kindly at him. ‘’We take care of each other around here. You’ll see.’’

Harry visibly swallows and Louis continues chopping. When Louis is done with the salad, he washes his hands in the sink before he dries them with a a kitchen towel.

‘’Ready to meet the boys?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Um, okay.’’ Harry nods but his eyes are wide and frightened. He looks cherubic, with his halo of hair and puffy, unblemished cheeks. Louis wonders how anyone wouldn’t want this kid.

‘’Alright, follow me.’’ Louis leads him outside the kitchen and finds that their guests are no longer there. He detours and opens the back porch door and sees Leona hanging clothes on the washing line and leaves her to it. He turns back and almost collides with Harry. He’s obviously been standing a little bit too close from how he retreats so quickly. Louis didn’t know that eyes could get so big and wide.

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…’’ Harry stutters.

‘’It’s alright.’’ Louis smiles and brushes past Harry. He’s about to move to the stairs when he stops. ‘’You need to leave your shoes by the door. Rules of the house and all.’’

Harry nods and immediately obeys, leaving his shoes next to several pairs of vans and sneakers.

‘’You want to put your bag down?’’ Louis asks.

Harry shakes his head quickly. ‘’No please.’’

‘’That’s okay,’’ Louis says coolly and starts upstairs, sure that Harry is following him because he doesn’t want to be left alone and not because he wants to meet the boys. Louis understands that feeling too.

There are three bedrooms in the house. One bedroom with two bunk beds for him and the lads, Leona’s bedroom and a guest bedroom for the new kids, which Louis is sure is where Harry is going to be staying. Leona is thoughtful like that. She knows that it’s hard for the new kids to be with new people so soon, therefore, she switched out her bedroom for the guest bedroom since the now guest bedroom has its own private bathroom. Louis remembers staying in that room in the early days, remembers the nightmares, how he was afraid of his own shadow and couldn’t sleep for days. He just hopes Harry will feel safe there, the way that Louis eventually did.

Louis knocks on his bedroom door and calls out, ‘’you boys decent in there?’’

‘’You done with supper?’’ Niall calls out. ‘’I’m starving, Lou.’’

It’s a Friday night and Leona makes sure the boys go straight from playing footie in the garden to their rooms. They take turns to shower and then either take a nap or do some reading while whoever is on kitchen duty prepares the food.

‘’I’m here with the new kid.’’ Louis calls. ‘’Can I open the door now?’’

‘’Hang on a minute.’’ Zayn calls and after a few moments the door opens. Louis enters and doesn’t mind at all when Harry stays by the door. The two bunk beds are on either sides of the room, with two desks in the middle over-looking two windows. It gives the room a spacious vibe, with the center free for a carpet and card-games night. In front of each bunk bed is a closet with clothes Leona got for them from giveaways and hand-me-downs from the neighbours. It’s not easy taking care of four boys, now five and in her old age, Leona ought to stop but she’s been doing it for years that she knows nothing else. Louis isn’t her first boy but he hopes Harry will be her last.

‘’So, this here is Harry.’’ Louis starts. ‘’Harry, this guy over here is Zayn.’’ Louis points to the raven-haired lad standing by the door, who waves at Harry. ‘’The one on the floor is Niall. He’s Irish.’’ Louis points to Niall, who’s sat on the floor with a comic book open. ‘’And that one there is Liam.’’ Liam is sat by one of the desks with a pocket book and he gives Harry a salute type of greeting.

‘’Hi,’’ Harry says and he looks shy with all eyes on him.

‘’Are you 14 or something?’’ Niall asks when Harry doesn’t say anything else.

‘’Niall, he’s 16.’’ Louis admonishes before he smiles. ‘’You got a little brother now.’’

‘’Get in!’’ Niall crows and Zayn and Liam crack a smile. It makes Harry smile too.

Not bad for a first day.

………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’So this is your room,’’ Louis says. After he’s introduced Harry to the boys, he gets him to see the rest of the house. It’s an old house, with the wallpaper flaking and the stairs all rickety but it’s been home to Louis for two years now and he’s come to learn to love it. He shows Harry Leona’s room, the bathroom, the laundry room, the basement and then finally the guest bedroom.

‘’So, you’ll be sleeping here.’’ Louis says when he opens the door. He walks into the room until he reaches the connecting bathroom. ‘’You’ve got your own bathroom too so lots of privacy.’’

‘’It’s nice.’’ Harry says quietly and unlike the other rooms, this one he enters. He even goes as far as sitting on the bed and touching the soft duvet gently, like he’s never seen anything soft before.

‘’It’s quite small.’’ Louis shrugs. It really is the smallest room in the entire house with its yellowish walls and rusty window, smaller than the laundry room even but maybe because it has the bathroom to compensate its size. ‘’But the door has a lock and so does the bathroom. It’s the only room that Leona doesn’t have the keys to, so it only opens from the inside.’’

It’s an odd thing to say but he knows it’s what Harry wants to hear, the idea of finding safety in a place that no one can reach, a space that is totally and utterly your own. He sees it in the way that Harry’s shoulders relax a bit and his hands ease up on the straps of his rucksack.

‘’You’ve slept here before?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Yeah, liked to hide under the bed sometimes.’’ Louis admits. Something about the innocent, childish vibes oozing from Harry makes him want to soothe him, tell him about all his secret hideouts. It’s different from when Zayn and Liam first arrived. They came from the streets and cuddling them wasn’t the way through their armor. Cigarettes worked with Zayn and Liam was good with chores. Niall was similar to Harry in the way that he looked like he needed the cuddling and the soothing.

Niall brought him and the lads together, not that they were at odds but Louis didn’t mind doing all the work, thinking that Zayn and Liam don’t do soft and was pleasantly surprised when Zayn took it upon himself to help Niall adjust too and when Niall broke through Liam's armor and mellowed him out. He wonders if it will be the same with Harry but while Niall tried to hide behind his loudness and fake cheerfulness, Harry was subdued and frightened. They were all frightened at first, Niall more than the rest but Harry wears it like a cape, like he’ll jump at any sound and startle at even the lightest footsteps.

‘’Why?’’ Harry asks, breaking Louis out of his reverie. ‘’What’s nice under the bed?’’

‘’No shadows.’’ Louis answers. ‘’Didn’t like the curtains from the windows, the way they moved, made shapes at night. Took them off after my first night here.’’

‘’Was Mrs. Parker upset about that?’’ Harry asks. ‘’When you took down her drapes?’’

‘’A bit but she’s quite understanding when you talk to her.’’ Louis says. He’s offering all the bits of information he knows will comfort Harry. It took him months of trial and error, in knowing what are the right and not the right things to say, what could be a trigger and what could be harmless topics of conversation. He doesn’t always get it right but with Harry, he feels like he cannot make mistakes, like he needs to make this lad feel as comfortable as possible now that he’s had experience with others before him. He also doesn’t want a repeat of what happened with Niall.

‘’Anyways, wash up.’’ Louis says. He also knows that giving subtle orders is something Harry needs so that he doesn’t feel out of place or unsure of what to do with himself. ‘’Dinner will be ready in a couple of hours. You hungry?’’

‘’No, thank you.’’ Harry answers quickly, darting big green eyes at him.

Louis also knows about that, the fear of asking for something, of wanting something but not knowing how to ask for fear of repercussions. But Louis’ played this game before, knows that the best way to tread about is to offer choices.

‘’We usually have a fruit and a cup of tea to tide us over before dinner.’’ Louis says. ‘’Would you like apples or bananas?’’

‘’A banana will do.’’ Harry answers.

‘’How much sugar would you like in you tea?’’

‘’Aren’t you going to ask me?’’ Harry blurts at the same time.

‘’Ask you what?’’ Louis knows what he means but pretends to be dumb about it.

‘’Why I’m here?’’ Harry clarifies. ‘’Don’t you want to know?’’

‘’It’s not my place to ask.’’ Louis says. ‘’It’s your business, not mine.’’

‘’Is your mum going to tell you then?’’

‘’She’s not my mum.’’ Louis points out. ‘’And she’s not like that. She’ll only tell me if you want her to tell me.’’

‘’Oh.’’ Harry’s shoulders relax another tad but he’s trying hard not to show it.

‘’Anyways, do you take one spoon of sugar or two?’’ Louis asks when the silence stretches.

‘’Two please.’’

‘’So polite.’’ Louis cannot help but say and catches a quirk of a smile and a blush before he moves towards the door. ‘’Do you want me to keep this open or close it?’’

‘’Closed please.’’ The blush increases.

‘’See you later then.’’

………………………………………………………………………………………..

Dinners are usually a rowdy affair. They all have duties around the house and they’ve learned to accept them as part of Leona’s way of maintaining discipline and Louis doesn’t mind and neither do the boys. They all have scars when it comes to discipline but Leona isn't harsh or cruel and her demand of a little routine never hurt them.

When they have school, Louis does all the dinner cooking during the weekdays whereas Liam handles breakfast. Zayn and Niall are the ones who set the table and do dishes and washing up after. Liam does the laundry and all the cleaning during the weekends and alternates with Louis. Leona does that during the weekdays and blesses them with her cooking during the weekend. During the summer, it’s a little bit similar, except that they sometimes do some odd summer jobs like sell cookies or ice tea. Sometimes, they help the neighbours out with chores to earn some extra cash since Leona doesn’t give them pocket money; something about how they should earn that themselves. But it’s a routine they’ve perfected for quite some time now and he wonders where Leona will fit Harry into all of it.

Since he’s the one who’s done the cooking, he gets the privilege of watching a little bit of telly with Leona while the boys set the table. Liam is napping for a bit and Louis will call him downstairs in a while.

‘’Dinner’s ready,’’ Niall calls. Louis stands up and is about to head upstairs when he sees Harry standing by the foot of the stairs close to the wall, like a friendly ghost. He’s fresh out of a shower, dressed in a set of PJs that look small on him even though he’s already quite small and his shoulders are hunched again.

‘’Hey Harry.’’ Louis says and waves him towards the dining table. He pulls a chair and guides him to his seat. No one says anything about the fact that he’s placed him to where Niall’s seat usually is, which is between him and Leona but he’s sure everyone understands. New kid gets all the passes tonight. ‘’I’ll just call Liam and we’ll say grace first before we eat, okay?’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry looks up at him, like he’s anxious for his return. Louis makes his trip upstairs quick.

He returns with Liam and they take their seats, with Leona at the head of the table, Louis and Harry on one side and Zayn, Niall and Liam on the other. A picture frame of Mrs. Parker’s late husband George sits at the other end of the table, with a plate and cutlery and everything, just how Mrs. Parker likes it. She doesn’t like being called Ms. because to her, she isn’t an old widow.

‘’Just because he's not here in body doesn't mean he isn't here in spirit.’’ She always used to say.

‘’Thank you Lord for the food we’re about to receive.’’ Leona starts and they all fold their hands in prayer like her. Louis is glad that Harry follows suit. ‘’May your blessings always be plentiful and warm, thank you Lord for the health of my four boys and thank you for bringing Harry to us.’’ She winks at Harry. ‘’May he find comfort with us and may he soon call this place his home.’’ She smiles at all of them the way she always does. ‘’Amen.’’

‘’Amen.’’ They all say, even Harry.

They all dig in and although Louis doesn’t think he is a good cook, soon all the bowls of soup are empty, all the stir fry veggies are eaten and all the salad is gone, their plates officially cleaned out. They’re quite loud, regaling stories about the comic books they're reading, the cartoons they like to watch, the neighbourhood children they see when they’re outside and the chores they do. Zayn is as usual his quiet self but tonight, Harry beats him at that. He doesn’t say a word even if Louis does try to include him. After a while, he leaves him be.

‘’So,’’ Leona says long after they’ve all had their fill. ‘’Harry, you’ll start school with the lads this coming September but that doesn’t mean you get to let your mind go stagnant just because its summer so tomorrow, I want you to start reading the books I gave the boys here and I want you to spend as much time reading as you can. I want A students in this house, okay?’’

‘’Yes ma’am.’’ Harry nods.

‘’Good lad.’’ Leona says. ‘’Now, everyone has chores around here and you won’t be an exception. You’ll be in charge of tending to the garden outside. Can you handle a lawn mower?’’

‘’Yes,’’ Harry says.

‘’Good, you’ve got a rake outside and the lawn mower. Do your best to tend to the leaves and getting rid of the weeds. You can go to the skate park with the boys if you like and play footie out in the garden if you like but you never leave this house alone unless you have my permission. When school starts, you can do your garden chores when you come home while the boys take turns with their showers. When you’re done, you take your shower as well and then tend to your homework. I don’t want any of you to do any school work during the weekends. That’s for you to rest and play, am I understood?’’

Harry seems a bit slow on the up take here but then he nods once.

‘’One more thing; you keep your room always clean and tidy. I don’t like messy rooms in my house and you never enter this house with dirty shoes. I’m sure Louis has shown you where to put them, yes?’’

‘’Yes, ma’am.’’

‘’Good,’’ Leona smiles. ‘’One last thing, these boys are your brothers until the foreseeable future and this house is your home until the foreseeable future. If at any point, you are not comfortable, I will contact the child care services and ask them to find you another place to stay but if you like it here, we can make this somewhat permanent, is that alright?’’

Harry looks around at everyone and Louis can see he’s trying to assess if the place is worth it. Louis wants him to know that the people are worth it but it will take time for Harry to realize that because he knows what that’s like, to not be too quick to trust.

‘’Okay.’’ Harry nods.

‘’Alright then,’’ Leona says before she stands up. ‘’Now, we’re going to go the shops tomorrow and buy you some clothes. Those look quite small for you, my dear and if there is anything you need, you just let me know and we’ll see about getting them for you, okay?’’

‘’Okay,’’

‘’Alright, clean up time boys, chop chop. Telly time after you brush your teeth.’’

Zayn and Niall are quick to stand up and Louis knows it’s because they want to catch the Naruto episode that starts at 8 on the dot. He and Liam tuck in their chairs before they drift to the bathroom to brush their teeth and then they go sit in the living room where Liam turns on the telly.

When Louis sits on the sofa, he sees Harry standing next to the arm rest, like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

‘’I brushed my teeth.’’ Harry says. It’s quite endearing.

‘’Well, come take a seat then.’’ Louis says and slides so that he’s in the middle between Liam and Harry.

‘’Thanks.’’

They’re quiet as they watch the news for a bit and then Leona says goodnight after half an hour and leaves them be. They are allowed to stay up until midnight as long as it’s not a school night and Liam immediately switches to the cartoon channel. Zayn and Niall immediately perk up to the opening soundtrack to Naruto. Niall is sitting in Leona’s seat and Zayn has taken the arm-chair.

‘’I don’t know this cartoon.’’ Harry whispers to him.

‘’You’ll like it, it’s not bad.’’ Louis says.

He spends the night stealing glimpses of Harry, making sure he’s not watching blankly the way that Liam was at first or feigning boredom the way that Zayn was. Niall for the life of him couldn’t hide his giddy love for anime and Leona and the boys were quick to indulge him and give him everything he wanted.

When it’s closer to midnight, they turn off the telly and head to their rooms.

‘’Louis?’’ Louis turns around and sees Harry at the end of the corridor, in front of his room.

‘’Yes?’’

Harry looks like he wants to say something but in the end settles for a simple, ‘’good night.’’

‘’Good night, Haz.’’ Louis says softly. ‘’Sweet dreams.’’

He leaves Harry standing there and enters his room, not realizing where the nickname came from.

……………………………………………………………………………………

The next day, he knocks on Harry’s bedroom door while Leona is downstairs preparing them breakfast.

‘’Harry, are you awake?’’ Louis calls.

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Can I come in?’’

Louis doesn’t hear a reply but he does hear a sniffle. He opens the door.

As he suspected, Harry is sitting up on his bed, wiping at his cheeks. He has bags under his eyes which confirm what Louis thought; Harry probably didn’t sleep all night.

‘’I tried to sleep under the bed.’’ Harry croaks to Louis. ‘’Didn’t work.’’

Louis sits on the edge of the bed and folds his leg to face Harry.

‘’Do you want to talk about it?’’ he asks.

‘’You’ll understand?’’

‘’It depends.’’ Louis says. ‘’We might be more similar than you think.’’

‘’But everybody here loves you. I can tell.’’ Harry says before his face crumbles. ‘’Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me.’’

Louis doesn’t approach him when he starts crying because he wants to respect his boundaries.

‘’Who says nobody here wants you?’’ Louis asks. ‘’Leona wants you, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. She’s too old to take in any new kids so she obviously made an exception for you.’’

‘’Do you want me?’’ Harry asks, wiping at his fresh tears.

‘’Sure,’’ Louis says to placate him. He doesn’t know Harry that well to say anything beyond that. ‘’You seem like a nice kid.’’

‘’But they gave me up.’’ Harry's voice hitches.

‘’Who gave you up?’’

‘’My aunt, my uncles.’’ Harry explains. ‘’After my parents died, nobody wanted me. My aunt, my mother’s only sister and my two uncles from my father’s side, all didn’t want me. I was seven.’’

‘’Oh.’’

‘’I’ve been in the orphanage this whole time.’’ Harry continues. ‘’People came and went and nobody wanted to adopt me. I’m only here because I’m too old for anyone to adopt anymore.’’

‘’You’re here because Leona agreed to take care of you.’’ Louis amends. ‘’She wouldn’t do that unless she didn’t think you were worth it.’’

‘’But what did she see in me?’’ Harry almost demands. ‘’And why now?’’

‘’I don’t know but at least now, you’re old enough to help around here.’’ Louis says. ‘’You’ll see for yourself; she’s like those old ladies you open the doors for at the grocery stores and she makes a really mean banana cake, which right now you’re missing out on.’’

It startles a wet laugh out of Harry. ‘’I love bananas.’’

‘’Good to know.’’ Louis chuckles. ‘’Now, would you like a hug?’’

‘’Yes please.’’ Harry nods and almost throws himself at Louis from how fast he moves to his lap.

‘’You’re like a big baby.’’ Louis says, holding him close around the waist. ‘’Were you scared last night?’’

‘’I couldn’t sleep.’’ Harry admits, face ashamed and hidden in his neck. ‘’New place, new people. And back in the orphanage, I hear stories all the time about foster homes.’’

‘’Stories like what?’’ Louis asks carefully. He has an idea what Harry means and the thing is, he wouldn’t be wrong; Louis and the lads are just one of the few lucky ones to find a safe haven with Leona.

‘’Mean kids.’’ Harry mutters. ‘’Mean care takers, the type that disciplines by the belt.’’

Louis almost white knuckles at the thought of anyone hitting Harry with their belt buckles, the way he saw in the other places he’s been before.

‘’It does happen.’’ Louis says and he feels Harry’s spine go rigid. ‘’But not around here. We’re the lucky ones.’’

He feels Harry visibly relax in his arms and he cannot help but rub his hand up and down the knobs of his spine. His other hand is on his hip, baby fat under his palm. He cannot even imagine the thought of Harry being placed in a violent home; he’s too sheltered, too soft for that type of environment.

‘’You promise?’’

‘’I promise; nothing will happen to you here.’’

‘’Okay.’’

‘’Anyways, just knock on my door if you can’t sleep at night.’’ Louis offers. ‘’I’m a light sleeper, I can keep you company if you want.’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Harry nods. ‘’I’d like that. I want us to get along.’’

‘’Then we will.’’ Louis smiles. He loves Harry’s honesty but almost wishes to admonish him on his blatant trust. Louis didn’t think it would be that quick for Harry to trust him and almost wishes he would put up more of a resistance.

‘’Now, how about some breakfast?’’ Louis says when Harry doesn’t say anything.

‘’Yes please.’’ Harry says and almost trips when he stands on his feet.

‘’Like a baby deer, aren’t you?’’ Louis teases and without thinking, he reaches for Harry’s hand and brings him down the stairs where Zayn and Niall are setting the table. He only lets go when he pulls out Harry’s chair for him. The smile on Harry’s face is worth it.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

It’s not long until Harry comes out a little bit more from his shell during breakfast time. He relaxes a lot more when he goes outside to do his gardening duties and the rest of the lads follow. They play football at one side of the garden while Harry mows the other side. Leona even joins them, sitting on her porch swing, knitting winter sweaters for them.

It’s easier hanging out with the lads now than before. One would have thought that it was only circumstances that brought them together, made them get along and though at first it was like that, it isn’t like that now.

Leona had taken Zayn in three months after she’d brought in Louis and while they got along splendidly well in their silent and rebellious way, sneaking out to do graffiti work and smoking long after midnight, it was Liam joining them that made the house all tense. Liam ran away from home, came with an abusive step-father story and a whorish mother. He butted heads with the both of them from the start and there were nights when there were screaming arguments that made Leona punish them for it by increasing their house work chores. Liam also ran away twice and he’s lucky that Leona didn’t give up on him on either accounts. When he realized that they were not out to get him, he’d mellowed out but barely.

It was only after Niall came along that made things all better. Niall came from a home that had way too many run-ins with the cops. His family actually left Ireland because of drug-related crimes and to escape the police, they saw it fit to leave the country. Niall was caught in the middle of it all, his entire family arrested for money laundry, embezzlement and fraud, even one account on pimping. While he did his best to laugh it off, sooner or later, Niall had exploded into a fit that made all the boys cuddle him for it. It was traumatic for him, the way the cops took him from his mum and dad in the middle of the night, the way the police swarmed his house and arrested everyone he knew. One cop even beat his uncle to a pulp right in front of him for trying to escape but things got better for him after that, when he came to live with Leona and also when he started school.

Harry doesn’t seem like the type to want to sit in a corner, isolated. He seems like he wants to fit in so badly and Louis likes that, likes that he wants to be liked and is glad that Harry had been put with them instead of other people where they might just take advantage of how naïve he is, how young he is.

Soon, when Harry was done with one side of the garden, they switch places and play on the other side.

‘’Boys, I’ve got some ice tea and brownies.’’ Leona calls. ‘’Harry, take a break my dear and go take a shower later. We’ll go to the shops when you’re done, okay?’’

‘’Yes, ma’am.’’ Harry says, a blinding dimpled smile on his face.

They eat and drink on the porch and then go back to playing while Harry goes to take a shower. He comes outside with a rumpled shirt, grey sweatpants and his ratty pair of shoes. 

''You've got brownies and ice tea over there.'' Louis says so Harry sits on the swing and Louis and the lads continue playing.

‘’Do I look okay?’’ Harry asks Louis after a while and when Louis looks up, he sees Harry standing by the porch steps, all pigeon-toed and shy again.

‘’You look great.’’ Louis assures him and it’s enough of a distraction for Liam to score a goal.

Leona comes outside soon after. She's all dressed up to take Harry to the shops.

‘’You boys get inside and behave.’’ She says sternly. ‘’And no more cake for you, Niall or else you’ll lose your appetite. I’ll be back and have dinner ready.’’

‘’Yes, ma’am.’’ Niall says with a pout. He’s got such a sweet tooth.

They go inside and take turns to shower the sweat and grime off before they sit down in the living room and turn on the telly.

‘’Harry looks like he’s adjusting well.’’ Zayn says.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis agrees. ‘’He said he couldn’t sleep last night though, which I expected.’’

‘’But I didn’t hear any screaming.’’ Liam says. They’re all used to their bouts of nightmares every once in a while.

‘’Nah, I don’t think he’s that type of kid.’’

‘’C’mon, everyone has a story to tell.’’ Liam snorts.

‘’Yeah but he’s not from the streets.’’ Louis explains. ‘’Or from a bad house. He actually never left the orphanage until now.’’

‘’Oh, that’s strange.’’ Liam says. ‘’No family?’’

‘’Dead parents at seven. No family willing to take him,’’ Louis simply says.

‘’He’s better off with us.’’ Niall says with a big smile. ‘’Now shush, I’m watching this.’’

They chuckle and turn their eyes to the telly.


	2. 2

_I don't want a lot for Christmas_   
_There is just one thing I need_   
_I don't care about the presents_   
_Underneath the Christmas tree_   
_I just want you for my own_   
_More than you could ever know_   
_Make my wish come true oh_   
_All I want for Christmas is you_

-Mariah Carey, All I Want For Christmas Is You

It’s good from then on. The summer passes in a blur of home-made ice-cream, tasty banana cakes, selling brownies at the end of the street, drinking cold ice-tea after a game of footie, knee scraps and elbow scratches at the skate park and late night story telling.

Come September, Harry goes with them to school and they separate to go to classes. He’s not caught up in all his summer reading but Louis and the lads take it upon themselves to help him keep up with it while doing his school work.

He never hesitates to ask Louis after dinner if he could stay in the guest room with him because he feels like he can only fall asleep when Louis is around and it’s nothing unusual for Louis. Niall used to be afraid of his own shadow back in the earlier days and didn’t like even going to the bathroom alone so he doesn’t mind doing something similar with Harry.

Most of the time, he tells Harry stories about the boys and where they came from, how they ended up staying because Leona grew attached. He tells Harry about the other boys that came before that were sometimes too troublesome to stay or had to move on anyways because the system found a better place for them.

‘’Zayn went to Juvi before?’’ Harry asks. The lights are off and he’s in his bed, Louis is sitting on a chair by the window, always giving Harry space.

‘’Many times.’’ Louis snorts. ‘’He used to be a junkie, grew up with it and it took him a lot to get clean. Now, whenever he feels the urge, he just smokes. He doesn't use anymore and he doesn't sell anymore either.’’

‘’No wonder him and Niall are close.’’ Harry says, knowing how similar Niall and Zayn’s upbringing were. Zayn's parents were immigrants and though Zayn was born in England, he was also born into a life of selling drugs in the streets to pay off his parent's debts to those who got them entry into the country and facilitated their paper work. When his parents got behind on payment, they were deported indefinitely and Zayn was sent to foster care. 

Niall was too sheltered from the family business but he grew up knowing about the drugs and thinking it wasn't wrong, that's how normalized it was which is probably why it came as a shock when his entire family was arrested. Zayn and Niall were both runners, both had to sleep in the streets sometimes and both had to sell drugs to find food to eat.

‘’Yeah, he’s the reason why Zayn’s still around.’’ Louis says. ‘’Niall would just sit and cry if big brother Zayn isn’t around to entertain him, that’s for sure.’’

‘’Am I like that to you?’’ Harry asks. It’s a school night and it’s already a day before the start of November and still, Harry always makes sure Louis follows him to his room, like Louis waiting for him to go to sleep is part of his daily routine, only lately, instead of falling asleep soon after he lays his head down, he asks Louis question after question and Louis, for some reason, always indulges him.

‘’Like what?’’

‘’Like close,’’ Harry says. ‘’we’re close right?’’

‘’Yeah, Haz. Of course we are.’’ Louis says softly. Louis will never stop reminding him, no matter how many times Harry asks.

‘’Coz I’ll sit and cry too if you’re not around.’’ Harry clarifies. ‘’You make me feel like I matter.’’

Harry’s told him a bit about his life at the orphanage. He didn’t have any friends growing up, kids coming and going faster than he could remember their names, until he was the oldest kid in the house and everyone around him were too young to understand him. None of the care-takers made him a priority, like he was just an inconvenience they couldn’t get rid of.

‘’Of course you matter.’’ Louis says, trying to catch his eyes despite the darkness. ‘’We all love you here, okay?’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry says, voice soft. ‘’By the way, what do you want for your birthday?’’

Niall had turned 17 last September and they were now less than two months away from Christmas which meant that Louis’ birthday was coming up.

‘’You’ve been saving up or what?’’ Louis asks, amused. Harry had taken to mowing the grass of their neighbour so that he can earn some extra cash. Leona didn’t mind as long as he never left her garden in a less than pristine shape. Leona had taught Niall the secret to her lemonade and during the weekends, him and Zayn would stand at the end of the street and sell them while Liam and Louis would go grocery shopping with Leona. It left Harry with not much to do until Mrs. Hashem, their Arab neighbour saw him mowing the grass and offered to pay him to do her garden too.

‘’A little bit.’’ Harry admits. ‘’Want to buy you something nice.’’

‘’Anything you get will be lovely.’’ Louis tells him.

‘’But you must want something.’’

‘’Hmm, how about a comic?’’ Louis suggests because he doesn’t want Harry to fret over him. ‘’You can ask Zayn to go with you if you want. He knows my taste.’’

‘’Deal,’’ Harry says and Louis can tell he’s smiling.

‘’Are you ready to sleep now?’’ Louis asks, stifling a yawn.

‘’One last question.’’

‘’Go ahead.’’

‘’You never told me what brought you here.’’ Harry says carefully. ‘’Is it a sad story?’’

Louis ponders the question a bit. It’s been a while since he’s thought about his family and well, it’s not exactly a sad story, more like tragic.

‘’Well,’’ Louis clears his throat. ‘’My mum was knocked up back when she was in her first year of uni. My dad or the man who knocked her up didn’t want any responsibility so she raised me by herself while putting herself through nursing school. Um…’’

‘’You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,’’ Harry says quietly.

‘’No, it’s alright.’’ Louis shakes his head but keeps his face titled against the window. The big full moon is high up in the sky. ‘’Anyway, I was nine years old when my mum remarried. She had two girls and then twins. My step-dad wanted a boy, was desperate for one and after trying three times, decided to look elsewhere.’’

‘’You mean…’’

‘’He cheated on my mum so my mum filed for a divorce.’’ Louis said.

‘’Oh.’’

‘’Yeah, and after that, my mum found another guy, a good person and married him. She had twins with him, one boy and one girl, Ernest and Doris. The boy, Ernie, got really sick. I don’t really know the medical details about it but he died six hours after he was born.’’ Louis clears his throat, keeps his face firmly facing away from Harry. ‘’My mum was really weak when she came home after that and we all thought she’ll recover, just that it will take time, you know? But one day, my sisters and I were coming home from school and um…’’ he pauses.

‘’Lou?’’

‘’Yeah, sorry.’’ Louis wipes at his eyes and hopes Harry didn’t notice. ‘’We were living in an apartment at the time, in the fifth floor and when we came home, there were a lot of people in front of our apartment building and lots of police. Later on, we were told that Doris had fallen from the balcony and that my mum died of a heart attack.’’

‘’Oh my god,’’ Harry gasps and Louis hears blankets rustling.

‘’Until this day, I don’t know if my mum had the heart attack before or after Doris fell off but it wasn’t important at the time.’’ Louis continues. ‘’At the time, my step-dad, Ernest and Doris’ father, no longer had any obligations towards us and struck by grief, he just packed up his bags and left the apartment as soon as the authorities came and took us.’’

‘’What about your dad? Your other step-dad?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Yeah, my step-dad took my sisters in but I didn’t know who my father was and I think the authorities didn’t know either. Both my grandparents from either side were too old to take care of me and my mum was an only child so I went into the system at fourteen. And that was that. I never saw my sisters again.’’ Louis concludes quietly.

‘’Lou,’’ he hears before he’s engulfed into a hug. It takes a minute for him to wrap his arms around Harry’s small shoulders and tuck his head deeper into his chest. He smells like boy and fabric softener and comfort, enough to take him away from the trauma that was his family.

‘’I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m so sorry.’’ Harry says, voice muffled into his chest.

‘’It’s alright, tragedies happen.’’ Louis placates. He doesn’t tell Harry about the two other foster cares he was in before he was placed with Leona, doesn’t think about the violent kids he had to room with, the drug addicts who tried to loop him in, the inability to sleep because of the sound of police sirens, the blood splatters on the ground where his baby sister bashed her head against the concrete when her little body fell from the height of the fifth floor.

He doesn’t tell Harry any of that. He just holds him.

……………………………………………………………………………………

The week leading up to his birthday is full of hustle and bustle. It mostly has a lot to do with Harry making a big deal out of it and Niall enabling him.

They go Christmas shopping with their savings and Leona is stern when she tells them not to take long in the shopping mall or else she’ll lock them outside. She’s a mean old lady but they can tell she doesn’t mean it. She’d showered Niall during his birthday with the best gift she could give him – a dozen sweaters she'd knitted herself and a brand new watch – and had stern orders to come home with two gifts and not one because it’s not Louis’ fault he was born a Christmas baby.

‘’You be careful with your money now,’’ she calls where she’s parked in front of the mall. ‘’Louis, you keep the boys together or else I’ll strangle you with the Christmas lights, you hear me?’’

‘’Yes mum!’’ Louis calls back.

‘’I’ll pick you up at 7 on the dot.’’ She says sternly before she waves at them and revs the car out of the parking lot.

They don’t ever go to the shopping mall because for one, they don’t really have the money for it and two; there are a lot of rich kids around that they’d rather avoid. Leona doesn’t ever make them feel poor, telling them to focus on their studies so that they can have a better future for themselves and she is very strict about that, about making sure they get good grades in school.

But come Christmas week, she lets them be as long as they have their savings with them. They all know that every year, she goes off as well to do her own Christmas shopping and wants them out of the house so that she can do whatever she wanted.

And maybe because they don’t go often to the mall, they make the best out of it. Louis and the lads show Harry all their favourite shops, even if all they do is window gaze. They ooh and ahh at the shoes and the designer clothes and get their fill of the posters of their favourite marvel actors when they pass by the cinema section before they head to the sweets shop.

‘’Alright, let’s meet at the entrance in half an hour, clear?’’ Louis says sternly. Liam and Zayn just roll their eyes but Niall and Harry nod very solemnly. It’s their first shopping stop of the evening and it’s important they don’t stay long since they still have a lot of things to do. ‘’Remember, don’t spend too much in one place or else you’ll end the night with nothing. Keep checking your list if you have to, okay?’’

‘’Got it, Lou.’’ Harry says.

Liam advised everyone to have a list of what they wanted to buy so as not to stray and buy something more just because they fancy. Louis hopes everyone sticks to the plan.

‘’Alright, let’s split.’’

……………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’Where is he?’’ Louis mutters. It’s been 15 minutes since he and the boys met outside the sweets shop and Harry hasn’t shown up yet. Niall wanted to go to the toilets and Zayn had gone with him so it was just him and Liam outside.

‘’He’ll show up, Lou. Don’t worry about it.’’ Liam placates.

‘’It’s a big place, he could be lost in there.’’ Louis whines. He wants to check the other doors because maybe he’d gone out the other side or something. He’s almost standing on his tip toes trying to find a head of curls.

‘’He won’t get lost, just chill.’’ Liam insists and like he heard him, Harry bursts out of the door of the shop, with a big smile on his face.

‘’Lou!’’ he calls and Louis cannot help but heave a huge sigh of relief and hug the shit out of him.

‘’Why are you so late? You scared me!’’ he says, hugging Harry tighter and is pleased when Harry hugs him back.

‘’Sorry Lou.’’ Harry says into his neck, his tone sheepish and pouty.

Louis steps back and rubs his curls.

‘’Alright, I forgive you.’’ Louis sighs and Harry just smiles his disarming smile at him.

‘’Yay,’’ Harry says before he cuddles into Louis and looks at Liam. ‘’Where’s Niall and Zayn?’’

''In the bathroom.'' Liam doesn’t say anything else while Louis and Harry look around for the other two lads.

It’s strange, Liam thinks about the way Louis and Harry have gotten closer to each other. They’re always cuddling on the couch back home, always sharing inside jokes and always in a bubble of their own world. Liam wonders if there’s more going on between the two of them…

‘’There they are!’’ Harry says and they start moving on to their next destination.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Let’s go, let’s go!’’ Louis shouts, running and dodging people, heading for the door of the mall. It’s two minutes to 7 and Leona will kill them if they’re not outside on time. ‘’Follow me! Don’t get lost!’’

He’s holding Harry’s hand tightly with his shopping bag in the other and he looks back to see Liam and Zayn doing the same with Niall. The mall is packed and there are so many people left and right, it’s hard to see the exit but Louis is sure of where he’s going, he just hopes they make it on time or else Leona will make them do more chores.

‘’Lou, are we close?’’ Harry calls.

‘’Almost there, Haz!’’ Louis calls, almost bumping into a trolley. ‘’Just hold my hand, don’t let go!’’

They run and run until they finally burst outside the door and it’s….

‘’It’s snowing!’’ Niall crows.

And boy, it's one beautiful sight. The sky is darker than when they first arrived and the cars in the parking area are covered with a sheet of snow. The boys stare up, trying to catch snowflakes to land on their faces. Louis is honestly mesmerized; sure he feels the cold seeping into his thin winter jacket but snow has always been his favourite thing about winter, the way it blankets over the world, washing it in glistening white.

Beep! Beep!

Louis looks for the source of the sound and sees Leona smiling at them from where she’s parked.

‘’Let’s go boys!’’ Zayn calls and Harry tugs at Louis’ hand as they run through the snow and pile into the car that will take them home.

He didn’t know he’d still been holding Harry’s hand when they were staring at all that snow.

If only he knew that Harry had been looking at him instead.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’What was Christmas like last year?’’ Harry asks. Louis had gravitated from sitting by the window to sitting up in Harry’s bed. They share all their secrets better in the dark and besides, it’s warmer under the shared blankets.

‘’It was nice actually.’’ Louis answers. ‘’Leona has one of those plastic trees so that we don’t have to buy one every year. She has a box of decorations in the basement and on the 23rd the boys and I usually decorate after lunch. We clean the house all morning and Leona spends most of the day in the kitchen, making cookies and cupcakes. And then on Christmas Eve, we spend all day watching Christmas movies and if the snow is thick, we go outside after lunch and make a snow man. Leona has a camera and she likes to take photos, says it’s nice to make memories to look back at for the future.’’

‘’That’s nice.’’ Harry says sleepily where his head is tucked into the pillow.

‘’Yeah and then at night we usually go to church and when we go home, Leona will take out the birthday cake she made for me and we’ll have that and a cup of tea and eat in the living room where my birthday presents are. After that, she lets us stay up late and we just talk, you know? She’s always very attentive and sometimes she falls asleep in her chair and the boys and I just keep talking all night until she wakes up and ushers us up to bed.’’ Louis pauses.

‘’What?’’

‘’It’s…I have better memories here than I've ever had before.’’ Louis admits. ‘’I don’t want it to change, you know?’’

‘’Why would it change?’’ Harry asks, worried and Louis doesn’t want that.

‘’Nah, I’m just overthinking.’’ Louis assures him.

‘’Tell me about Christmas morning.’’ Harry asks and Louis humors him.

‘’We have breakfast and then we pile in the living room to open all our Christmas presents. Usually Leona gives us something knitted, like sweaters or socks. She usually saves the best presents for birthdays only.’’

‘’My birthday is in February.’’ Harry tells him.

‘’I know that.’’ Louis says with a smile splitting his lips. ‘’It’s going to be really special, since it’s going to be your first birthday with us.’’

‘’Yay,’’ Harry tries to stifle a yawn but it comes out anyway. ‘’Cuddle me. I’m really sleepy now.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Louis says and finally, he lies down. He turns sideways and drapes his arm over Harry’s back and falls asleep.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

It’s everything that he’d described to Harry and more because first of all, his birthday cake is awesome, with Spiderman frosting on top and his presents are even better. Harry does give him a comic book, the latest edition and Zayn gives him a spider man figure. Liam gets him a book –typical Liam- and Niall gets him a box of Oreos, his favorite.

‘’My turn.’’ Leona says and the boys are all excited because she always gives the best presents, hands down. ‘’Here you go, love.’’

She gives him a small box wrapped in red tissue paper and Louis rips it to pieces in his excitement, feeling like a kid again. When he opens the box, it’s a key inside.

‘’Mum?’’ Louis looks up at her, sees her smiling.

‘’Well, you’re 18 now.’’ Leona points out. ‘’Time that you start driving my beat up old Honda, don’t you think?’’

‘’Oh my god!’’ Louis gasps. ‘’You’re giving me your car?’’

‘’Well I can’t keep driving you boys to school at my old age now, can I?’’ Leona says and opens her arms when Louis launches from his seat into her warm embrace.

‘’I can’t believe you’d give this to me.’’ Louis says, hugging her in shock. Leona had taught him how to drive back when he was 16, said it was in case of any emergencies and he should always be prepared. But this is different; now he can do the groceries alone, bring the lads to school and drive them home, go to the mall more often when he finds a decent job that can pay for gas. The possibilities are endless. ‘’Thank you, mum.’’

‘’You’re most welcome, my love.’’ Leona says before she pulls away and cups his face. ‘’Happy birthday my dear.’’

‘’Loueh, are you crying, man?’’ Zayn teases. Louis throws a wrapper at him and laughs. ‘’Oi, no need for violence. Mum!’’

They stay up all night talking about their dreams and aspirations and for the first time in a long time, Louis feels content beyond measure. He’s got Harry tucked under his arm, his boys around him, his mum looking at all of them fondly and all his worries about her growing old dim away into the night.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’Bro,’’ Zayn stops him as Harry pulls him towards his room. ‘’A minute?’’

Louis nods before he turns to Harry.

‘’You go ahead. I’ll be with you shortly.’’ Harry lets go of his hand and yawns on his way to his room.

‘’Your real birthday present.’’ Zayn says before he tucks a lighter into his palm.

‘’Oh wow, thanks man.’’ Louis says before he gives Zayn a bro hug.

‘’So?’’ Zayn starts. They’re standing outside in the hallway with the boys’ door closed and Leona in her room, her snoring loud despite her closed door. The only way they can make out each other’s features is from the light coming from under the door. ‘’What’s up with you and Harry?’’

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’You haven’t slept in your room since he’s arrived and when you do, you always sneak in so late at night.’’ Zayn says. ‘’You can’t tell me he’s still scared until now.’’

‘’No, it’s not that.’’ Louis hedges. ‘’It’s a hero-worship thing, I think.’’

‘’What does that have to do with you spending all hours of the night in his room?’’

‘’He’s lonely there, Zayn.’’ Louis explains. ‘’We all have each other in here and he’s there alone. It’s not much to ask if he wants some company.’’

‘’That doesn’t make sense.’’ Zayn argues. ‘’He’s glued to you even when you’re awake and you seem fine with it, like you like it.’’

‘’He’s lovely, what’s not to like?’’ Louis argues back.

‘’Oh.’’ Zayn smirks. ‘’You like him.’’

Louis blushes red. He thought it will take a while for the boys to figure it out but he should’ve known that Zayn would be the most observant.

‘’I’m not gay.’’ Louis says in a hush. ‘’But I do like him.’’

‘’He is still a boy.’’ Zayn says, amused.

‘’I know that, I just…Anyways, I’m not going to do anything about it, not until he makes the first move.’’ Louis says. ‘’I don’t want him to be uncomfortable and I don’t mind being anything he needs to be. I’m okay with that.’’

Zayn smiles softly at him. ‘’Happy birthday, Lou.’’

Louis is glad that Zayn drops the subject. He’s always been like that, caring of other people’s boundaries. ‘’Thanks bro.’’

………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’I have a present for you.’’ Harry says the moment he enters his room.

‘’I didn’t think you were still awake.’’ Louis says and sits on the edge of the bed where Harry is cross –legged.

Said boy turns side-ways. ‘’I can’t sleep without you anymore. Got used to you.’’

Harry is always like that, so transparent with his feelings, so abundant with his love. He cuddles Niall the most, always stares up at Zayn like he’s something cool and out of this world, always attentively serious with Liam and always helping Leona out in the kitchen. He’s not so different from the shy, timid boy he’d first met, still stands pigeon toed when he’s waiting for Louis and the lads to go home after school, still stands with his shoulders all hunched but then he sees Louis and suddenly he’s taller, brighter, smile and dimples on full display.

He’s so beautiful.

‘’Well, what present are you talking about?’’ Louis asks.

Harry visibly swallows and then he just leans forward quickly and kisses Louis flat on the lips.

Louis blinks at him and sees Harry biting his lips.

‘’That one.’’ Harry says. ‘’That’s my present.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Louis sits up straight and touches his lips. For a brief touch, they’re somehow tingling.

‘’Why did you do that?’’ Louis asks carefully.

‘’Because I like you.’’ Harry replies honestly. ‘’Because you’re the best thing about being here. You make everything okay.’’

‘’Harry…’’

‘’I want to stay here with you forever.’’ Harry interrupts him. ‘’Don’t want to live without you. I know you worry about that, about Leona growing older and you being the responsible one. I won’t ever leave you, I promise.’’

‘’That’s…a lot.’’ Louis hedges. ‘’Harry, nothing’s certain and you shouldn’t be stuck here with me.’’

They’ve discussed it, him and Zayn and Liam. Louis isn’t really good at school and Leona is getting up there in her years. It won’t be right to leave her behind and go off to school and put her in debt. Niall is brilliant and they’re sure he can get a scholarship. Liam plans on applying to be a fireman after he graduates and Zayn said he doesn’t need to go to school to be a writer, which is something he really wants and he’ll work to support himself and the lads until he can get a publishing deal. So, the three of them plan on working and taking care of Leona and helping Harry and Niall go to school. It’s the perfect set-up.

‘’I’m not joking around.’’ Harry says sternly. ‘’I’ll go where you go and stay where you stay.’’

‘’Don’t you want to go to uni? Study in London?’’

‘’Don’t you?’’

‘’We don’t have the money for all of us to go.’’ Louis says bluntly before he softens his tone. ‘’You and Niall though, you can make it there and the boys and I will work and help you out. We’ve discussed this.’’

‘’That’s not fair to any of you.’’ Harry whines.

‘’But it’s the right thing to do.’’ Louis says. ‘’Leona should at least have two certificates on her wall that says she raised college boys. I wouldn’t settle for anything less either.’’

‘’But London is too far away from here.’’ Harry’s voice starts shaking. ‘’I’ll be alone out there, if I go.’’

‘’You won’t be.’’ Louis draws him in for a hug. ‘’Niall will be with you and we’ll visit when we can and you’ll come down here for holidays. It will work out, I promise.’’

‘’It can’t be that easy.’’ Harry pulls away, tears streaming down his face. ‘’How will I sleep? How can I…’’

Louis can see him getting all worked up so he changes tactics.

‘’Look, it’s still a long way before you finish school, yeah?’’ Louis reminds him. ‘’I’ve still got one term and you still have a whole other year. Things can change from here on out so let’s not worry about it, okay?’’

‘’I’ll find a way.’’ Harry promises, tears glistering. ‘’I’ll make it work.’’

‘’What will you make work?’’

‘’When I’m older, I’ll be the one to take care of you.’’ Harry says, cupping Louis’ face, eyes straying to his lips. ‘’Even though it will never be enough.’’

‘’You plan on kissing me again?’’ Louis teases to shake the depth Harry’s words are having on him. The thing about Harry is that he says things that he truly believes in and Louis doesn’t like that, doesn’t like it when Harry sets himself up for failure or disappointment. Man has limits and Harry is no exception to that rule.

‘’Never kissed a boy before.’’ Harry mutters, eyes firmly on his lips. ‘’You’re my first.’’

‘’Have at it then.’’ Louis encourages, crossing his legs on the bed to sit like Harry.

Harry wets his lips and bites them, like he’s preparing himself for more than just a simple peck. He then draws Louis’ face closer and plants his lips on his.

It’s a longer kiss this time, an exploratory one and Louis lets himself get drawn to it, lets Harry tilt his face and change the angle and kiss him deeper. It feels liberating in a way, like he didn’t have so many responsibilities because there is nothing burdensome in kissing Harry, nothing weighing him down, nothing holding him in place. He feels lighter than he’s ever been in years and all because of Harry holding his face like he’s something precious, kissing him like he matters.

‘’Can I kiss you some more?’’ Harry asks when they come up for air. His eyes are green, green, green and his lips are rosy red and Louis cannot look at him as the skittish boy he met all those months ago anymore. No, this boy is much bolder now, but still so gentle and kind. His hands are bigger, almost encompassing Louis’ entire face but his touch isn’t harsh or rough. His eyes have fear in them but also hope and bravery and intent.

‘’Yes,’’ Louis delves in first this time. Harry kissing back has his mind go quiet, nothing but Harry, Harry, Harry…occupy his thoughts. It’s the most calm he’s ever been.

He wouldn’t mind kissing Harry all night and he can honestly say that it is the best Christmas present he’s ever had.


	3. 3

_My heart seems to know_

_this nostalgia is about to explode_

_Even if I try to hide it I can't_

_you have become my heart_

-Ailee, Goodbye my love

The 10th of January is Liam’s birthday followed by Zayn’s birthday on the 12th so they celebrate their birthdays in one day over the weekend, with a cake that is half vanilla with fruits and half chocolate. Leona once again, surpasses herself and gets Zayn a type writer that she’d found at a garage sale over the summer. She had been keeping it hidden for months just for the occasion. She gets Liam a three-month internship course at the fire department over the summer that she’s paid for in full with her savings.

‘’You're going to give me pictures of you in a fireman suit so that I can hang it up on my wall of accolades one day, yeah?’’ she demands faux sternly. In her early years, she had boys and girls come and go but none who had stuck around quite as long as the four of them. Louis knows that she plans on adopting Niall and Harry, would have done the same for him and Zayn and Liam but just didn’t have the money for it but he won’t say anything so as not to ruin the surprise and maybe because she still doesn’t have the money to really make that happen but knowing her, she will always find a way.

‘’Yes mama, you got it.’’ Liam says, hugging her around the waist. He’s only ever tough when he’s with the boys, always talking with an air of authority but with Leona he’s as soft as butter.

‘’And you, my little Shakespeare.’’ Leona turns to Zayn, tucking him on her other side. The type writer is on his lap, like he’s already attached. ‘’You’re going to give me your first-autographed novel, yeah?’’

‘’Anything you want.’’ Zayn says softly. ‘’I’ll buy you a new house too.’’

‘’Nah, I don’t want no house,’’ Leona tuts at him. ‘’Just want to see you make it big, baby.’’

She’s got Liam on one side of her and Zayn on the other, tucked under her arms like a proud mama bear. Harry and Niall are on the floor, trying to fiddle with the type writer so Louis grabs the old film-roll camera off the table and stands up to distract them. Zayn will skin them alive if they mess up his type writer.

‘’How about a picture now, yeah?’’ Louis says and all three of them smile at Louis while he takes several photos.

‘’Put the timer on and let’s have a group photo.’’ Niall suggests so Louis opens the settings in the camera and clicks on the 30 seconds timer then places it on the mantle before he dives on the ground behind the coffee table and tucks himself by Leona’s feet between Harry and Niall. They all stay frozen, smiling until the timer goes off.

‘’Yay!’’ Niall crows. ‘’Cake time!’’

They all laugh at Niall’s antics. Louis watches as Niall and Harry go to the kitchen to collect cutlery so that Leona can start cutting up the cake to slices. It’s another lovely night, merry with conversation and aspirations for the future.

Later, after everybody heads to bed, Louis hears Leona calling for him where she’d headed to the bathroom.

‘’What’s wrong, mum?’’ he says when he sees her gripping the bathroom wall beside the door.

‘’I feel a little bit dizzy, shouldn’t be staying up so late at my age anymore.’’ She chuckles and allows Louis to hold her arm while they walk slowly towards her bedroom. She gets like this sometimes, dizzy and suddenly exhausted. Louis suggested that they change the laundry room into her room so that she doesn’t have to climb up the stairs but she’s stubborn, says her room is near the bathroom so it’s more convenient for her.

‘’Do you feel better?’’ Louis asks after he’s helped tuck her in. Her room smells like grandma’s old blankets, not like Louis would know but it’s a homey type of smell, a comforting smell.

‘’Ah, I’m growing older, my love. Nothing going to get better about that.’’ Leona sighs. Her eyes are closed and her head is elevated on a pillow, just the way she likes to sleep.

‘’Don’t say that, you look no older than twenty.’’ Louis jokes, his face completely serious. It puts a smile on Leona’s face, a tired wane smile.

‘’I’ve been meaning to ask you,’’ Leona says, opening her eyes. Louis reaches for her hand, caresses the veins and rough skin he feels under his own skin, hands that helped raise him, shape him into the person he is now. ‘’You and Harry, something you want to tell me?’’

‘’You won’t be mad?’’ Louis hedges.

‘’I may be old but I’m not blind.’’ Leona drawls. ‘’I saw you two sneaking kisses in the laundry room like a couple of horny teenagers. It’s cute.’’

‘’Mum!’’ Louis whines, surprised.

‘’What?’’ Leona says, a glint in her eyes. ‘’You’re both in your teens. I know how high your sex drive can be at that age.’’

‘’We’re not like that!’’ Louis says but he cannot help but laugh. ‘’We just kiss most of the time, that’s all.’’

‘’You know, just because he lives under the same roof doesn’t mean you don’t get to introduce him to me as your boyfriend.’’ Leona tells him. ‘’I don’t want a repeat of the Zayn incident, yeah?’’

‘’Don’t remind me.’’ Louis mutters. Louis had helped Zayn sneak a girl from the neighbourhood and stood guard outside while they went at it in the guest bedroom. The thing is though, he fell asleep in the hallway and Leona saw him and caught the girl sneaking out of the window when she’d barged into the room. She gave Zayn an earful and demanded that any girl or boy they want to have over must be vetoed by her. They never brought anyone over ever again.

‘’So,’’ Leona pauses. ‘’Is he your boyfriend?’’

‘’I don’t know if we’re giving it a label yet,’’ Louis says hesitantly. ''Besides...''

‘’What’s wrong, love?’’

‘’You’re okay with this?’’ Louis asks.

‘’With what?’’ she smiles knowingly, like she knows what he will say.

‘’With me kissing a boy.’’ Louis says carefully.

‘’Well,’’ she squeezes his hand. ‘’Love is love, right? And it’s Harry, he’s a sweetheart.’’

‘’What if I was into boys, you’d be okay with that?’’ Louis asks.

‘’I’ll tell you what I’m into.’’ She says sarcastically, a heavy emphasis on the words ‘into’ which startles a chuckle out of Louis. ‘’I’m into being faithful, I’m into chivalry and I’m into working hard to make a relationship work. There would be no fooling around with anyone’s hearts, Louis. I won’t allow it.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis smiles. ‘’I’m not into experimenting or anything.’’

‘’And Harry?’’

‘’I’m apparently his first kiss ever.’’ Louis admits.

‘’And what’s the verdict?’’ Leona asks slyly.

‘’Mum!’’

‘’What? Is he a great kisser or not?’’

‘’He is,’’ Louis shakes his head at her. ‘’He’s great, mum. It’s just…’’

‘’What?’’

‘’It’s a bit scary how into me he is.’’ Louis cannot help but say. ‘’I don’t want to make him think any less of me.’’

‘’Why would he think less of you?’’ this makes Leona sit up and Louis tries to get her to lie down but she fusses until she’s sitting up. ‘’Has he done anything to make you feel this way?’’

‘’No, it’s just, he’s going to go to uni soon and I’ll be here and I don’t want to stand in his way, you know?’’ Louis explains. ‘’I don’t want him to hold back on exploring options, making mistakes, learning from experiences.’’

‘’You’re so good to him, Lou.’’ Leona sighs. ‘’But I never thought you’d be okay with setting him up for heartbreak.’’

‘’Heartbreak? Who said anything about that?’’

‘’If you can help it, would you ever want to break his heart?’’

‘’Of course not!’’

‘’Would you want anyone to break his heart?’’

‘’No mum…’’

‘’Then stop trying to think that someone out there is better for him than you are.’’ Leona says sternly. ‘’If you don’t think you fit together, even that has to be mutual but don’t go breaking his heart just because you think you’re not good enough.’’ She pauses. ‘’You are, Lou. You’re my best boy, my very best. There’s not a bad bone in your body and it hurts me whenever I think of what you’ve been through.’’

Louis doesn’t want to tear up but he feels choked up.

‘’It’s not like that.’’

‘’Then what is it, love?’’

‘’He’s just meant for better things, that’s all.’’ Louis says, eyes on the bed sheets.

‘’But so are you.’’ Leona insists. ‘’Wish you’d go after something for yourself, Louis. You deserve to be a little bit selfish, love.’’

‘’Is this about the uni thing?’’ Louis quirks an eyebrow.

‘’Of course it is,’’ Leona answers. ‘’I don’t want to be the reason why you have to stay behind. I won’t be responsible for your unhappiness, Lou.’’

‘’I can’t leave you.’’ Louis shakes his head. ‘’That’s not negotiable.’’

‘’Louis…’’

‘’We’ve already worked it out.’’ Louis interrupts her gently. ‘’And I’m alright with it. I am.’’

Leona just looks at him sadly.

''You will have a place on my wall of accolades, Louis.'' Leona says firmly. ''It may not be a uni certificate or an autograph or a fireman uniform, even though it can be, but it will be something and it will be great. You hear me?''

''Yes, ma'am.'' Louis smiles.

‘’Well, ion that note...’’ She pauses. She then reaches for her bedside drawer and pulls out a wooden box. It’s carved nicely and clicks open gently. ‘’I want you to know that you always have options.’’

‘’What are you talking about?’’ Louis asks but then his eyes bulge when she turns the box around.

‘’Last I wore these was on my wedding day.’’ Leona says, touching her jewellery. In one small case, there’s a pair of gold earrings, designed like a vine of grapes. In another, there’s a long gold chain with a crucifix for a pendant. There’s a wedding band and a simple gold bracelet. There’s also a bank card.

‘’I spent all my savings on the car and Liam’s summer internship.’’ Leona says. ‘’And aside from my own wedding ring and the necklace I never take off, these are all the valuable things I have. Pretty, right?’’

‘’They’re beautiful.’’ Louis says in awe. ‘’Did the necklace and the ring belong to Mr. Parker?’’

‘’They sure did.’’ Leona smiles. ‘’Now you know where I keep them. In case you change your mind about uni, yeah?’’

‘’I won’t.’’ Louis says swiftly.

‘’Now you listen to me.’’ Leona grips his hand. ‘’You’re my big boy now and you have to hear this. You’re listening?’’

‘’I am.’’

‘’The bank card is for my pension. It goes to the groceries and the bills but there should be enough there for something. I always make sure not to withdraw it all. The gold is worth something, enough to buy you a better future.’’ Leona says before her eyes soften. ‘’So it will matter to you, okay? Make something out of yourself, Louis. Don’t get stuck. Life is too short for you not to fully live it to your fullest potential. Deal?’’

Louis’ eyes are wet when he hugs her. ‘’Deal.’’

……………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Are you banging that girl again?’’

They’re walking home because Zayn got detention and they didn’t want to take the bus and leave without him. It’s only been one week since they’ve gone back to school after the holidays and already Zayn’s getting into trouble.

‘’Niall, mind your words.’’ Louis chastises and slaps Niall’s nape.

‘’Ow, what did you do that before?’’

‘’You have to be more eloquent.’’ Liam tells him.

‘’Fine,’’ Niall says, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘’Zayn, are you making love to that girl again?’’

They burst out laughing like a pack of hyenas, Harry even going as far as stopping in the middle of the pavement, doubled over and clutching his stomach.

''You’re a bunch of idiots, the lot of you.’’ Zayn says, puffing smoke.

‘’Well, is it true though?’’ Louis asks. ‘’Mr. Eckles caught you guys in the toilets doing the dirty?’’

‘’Fucking cunt,’’ Zayn mutters. ‘’Do you have any idea how long it’s been since Natalie and I fucked? A week!’’

‘’Bring her around the house then.’’ Louis suggests. ‘’Leona won’t mind if you bring her through the front door this time.’’

They all laugh as they remember the incident. They shit talk for a while, with Harry tucked back under Louis’ arm. He’s getting taller a bit but he still likes to cuddle and fit himself into Louis’ side like a jigsaw puzzle. It’s sweet.

It’s not snowing anymore but it’s still freezing cold so they speed up a bit when they reach their street but the sight of a patrol car outside their front garden stops them from talking or venturing forward.

‘’Oh hey kids,’’ one of the policemen standing outside says. Louis then notices Mrs. Hashem’s teary face, whispering to the other policeman. ‘’You Ms. Parker’s foster boys?’’

‘’Mrs. Parker.’’ Louis corrects him, leaving Harry’s side and taking one step closer. ‘’What’s going on?’’

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Nothing’s prepared them for the loss.

Mrs. Hashem had them sat in her cramped living room only to inform them that their foster mom is gone, taken by a heart attack.

‘’I found her flat on her back on the porch.’’ She tells them. ‘’She got worried I think since you were late today.’’

She tells them that she’d arranged for the funeral but quietly takes Louis aside and asks for some money to pay for it. He’s moving automatically when he and the boys open their wallets and take out their pocket money. They give it all to Mrs. Hashem, saying it’s all they have but she tells them it’s not enough and gives them Leona’s purse that she found on the porch. Louis opens it and gives her what he finds in the wallet. Mrs. Hashem is not happy about it but she makes due with it. One of the policemen offers to call the school and let them know they won’t be attending classes tomorrow morning so that they can go to the funeral.

It’s only after they enter the house that Niall starts crying.

‘’Niall.’’ Zayn says but Niall’s cries only get louder when Zayn hugs him and like falling pieces of dominoes, once Niall starts crying, Harry follows.

They huddle in the entryway, Niall wailing, Harry trying to muffle his tears into Louis’ shoulder and the other three, crying silently.

What the fuck are they going to do?

……………………………………………………………………………………

It snows the day of the funeral.

There’s no one in the church except them, the policeman and the social worker that came with Harry and Mrs. Hashem. Louis had brought some clothes over so that the funeral organizer can help dress Leona appropriately. He’d also asked for an open casket during the funeral so that they can say goodbye properly when to be fair, nothing about saying goodbye to the woman who loved him like her very own flesh and blood feels proper.

Niall and Harry are a weeping mess but last night, Louis had to sneak out to the nearest ATM and withdraw what was left from Leona’s pension. They’re going to need it now. Social services stopped sending money for him, Zayn and Liam and though they're still sending money for Harry and Niall, they have to start thinking about the future and getting proper jobs to support each other.

It’s a simple service but it doesn’t make it any easier, watching the cemetery people lower Leona's casket into the ground next to where Mr. Parker had been lying in for the last 15 years.

‘’Bye mama.’’ He hears Niall say. He’s on his knees, face all red and blotchy, watching the men pad the dirt on the casket with the back of their shovels. Louis wishes he knew how to comfort him, how to comfort Harry, who’s hiding his face in his hand, other arm wrapped around his middle. He looks over at Zayn, who looks like he’s still in shock over everything. He looks over at Liam and sees his steely resolve crumble at the sight of Niall, who starts wailing on the ground and choking on his tears.

‘’Enough already, Ni.’’ Liam says, getting on one knee and patting Niall’s back. There’s no one left except them now, Louis having waved goodbye to Mrs. Hashem and the priest but when he looks back, he sees Phil and Bella, standing by the gate of the cemetery.

‘’They’re going to take me away!’’ Niall shouts, crumbled into Liam’s chest. ‘’They’ll send me away, Li. What will I do?’’

It hits Louis then, just as it hits Harry, who suddenly looks up at him. Him and Niall, they’re both not 18 yet. Is that why…

‘’No,’’ Before he knows it, he’s pushing Harry away from approaching him and striding up to the gate of the cemetery. He feels someone at his heels and glances back for a second only to register that it’s Zayn and not Harry who is walking with him, anger etched on his face.

‘’Hi Louis,’’ Miss Sanders says, dressed in black yet face with full make-up on. ‘’I’m so sorry for your loss.’’

‘’You’re not taking Harry or Niall away.’’ Louis says without any preamble. ‘’They just lost their mum and it’s too fucking soon.’’

‘’I know, I’m not here to do that.’’ Bella placates. ‘’I’m just here to warn you that it will happen Louis, sooner or later.’’

‘’Do something about it then.’’ Zayn says harshly. ‘’Harry’s settled with us and Niall’s been with us for…’’

‘’I will try to delay,’’ Bella interrupts gently. ‘’But I can’t make any promises and I can’t do anything about Harry. Niall has a better chance since he’s 17 but even that I cannot guarantee.’’

‘’You have to,’’ Louis insists. ‘’We cannot be apart and they won’t be adopted anyway, they’re too old.’’

‘’You never know, lad.’’ Phil says. ‘’Besides, who’ll provide for them? Don’t you want them to find a better home?’’

Louis doesn’t know what to say because in the end it’s not his decision what is or isn’t good for Harry. Leona knew the answer to that but she’s gone now. She’s gone and Louis is all alone and he feels like he’s losing everybody.

‘’Go home, Louis.’’ Bella says gently. ‘’I’ll do my best on my end, okay?’’

Louis takes the boys home with a heavy heart, a sense of dread embedded deep in his chest.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

The next day after school, there’s a man in a suit waiting outside their house.

‘’No, no…’’ Niall hides behind Zayn and he’s already crying.

For the first time since he’s arrived, Harry asked if he could sleep in their room. They’d dragged his mattress from the guest bedroom into the boys’ room but leaving Harry on the floor didn’t feel right. In the end, they dragged another mattress from one of the bunk beds and piled on the floor. For the first time in such a long time, Louis was afraid of sleeping and if it wasn’t for the fact that Niall had been crying all night and Harry had been clinging to him, he would have let his thoughts of losing Harry consume him alive.

Now, they’re back with a vengeance.

‘’Who are you?’’ Liam asks.

‘’Oh hi there,’’ the man says, a cheerful smile on his face. He’s wearing a worn down brown suit and has a brief case of the same colour. ‘’I’m Ashton Black. I…’’

When Liam had first arrived into Leona’s care, he was messed up. He was angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at his parents. He’d lived in the streets for a while before he was picked up by the cops for assaulting a police officer and instead of sending him to Juvi, they sent him to Leona. He got into too many fights in school and shouted back at Leona whenever she reprimanded him, going straight out the door when he didn’t want to hear any more from her. Leona never worried because she knew that one call to Phil and he’ll be brought straight back to her doorsteps.

One day, the school called Leona over and said that they had to send Liam to the hospital over another stupid fight, only this time Liam’s side was swollen and blue instead of just getting away with a busted lip and a black eye, not to mention that he was in a lot of pain. The hospital found out that his kidney was messed up and he needed surgery. It had been going on for months but Liam didn’t think too much about it, just got high when the pain got too much, didn’t think it was a dire issue but Leona got him fixed up, had the surgery done and brought home in less than three months.

Niall had arrived not too long after and it surprised them all how well he and Liam got along, how Niall soothed his ruffled feathers and snuffed out his anger. Liam had mellowed out, like the fight had been cut out from him and over the course of one summer, he’d become a different boy, a brilliant friend and a disciplined son.

Louis didn’t think much of that surgery but he realizes now that he shouldn’t have played it down.

Leona had mortgaged the house to pay for Liam’s expensive operation and has since been unable to pay back the huge loan she had borrowed from the bank. The money coming from the foster care system went to the boys, her pension went to the food and bills and every letter that came from the bank she had plucked out of Louis’ hands and said it was nothing.

It’s not ‘’nothing’’ anymore because now, they’re losing the house.

‘’Can’t we sell the car?’’ Zayn asks. He’s sitting outside by the porch, after having asked Liam to take Niall and Harry inside while he sorts things out with the bank man. He’s glad that Niall and Harry were not outside to hear what the man had to say.

‘’It won’t cover it.’’ Louis shakes his head, blowing smoke out of his mouth.

‘’Well for what it’s worth,’’ Zayn reaches into his pocket and pulls out something shiny, it immediately catches Louis’ eyes. ‘’I took off mama’s ring and necklace while she was in her casket. It might be worth something.’’

‘’Smart move.’’ Louis says even though he hates having such precious things taken away from Leona too.

‘’We can have a garage sale.’’ Zayn suggests. ‘’I can sell my type-writer…’’

‘’You’re not selling your type-writer.’’ Louis says sternly. ‘’Did you not hear how much money the bank wants?’’

‘’I heard, Lewis, I was there.’’ Zayn drawls. ‘’I’m just suggesting.’’

‘’We need better ideas.’’ Louis sighs.

‘’Oh,’’ Zayn sits up. ‘’How about we let them take the house?’’

‘’They're already going to do that.’’ Louis says patiently.

‘’Just hear me out.’’ Zayn says, turning to him. ‘’We give up the house, pawn the jewellery and head up to London, rent an apartment there.’’

‘’London?’’

‘’Yeah, we’ll work there and send Niall and Harry to uni. This way, we’ll stay together.’’

‘’They haven’t finished school yet.’’ Louis reminds him. ‘’They still need to take their A-levels.’’

‘’They can do that online.’’

‘’Oh because we have a laptop lying around.’’ Louis says sarcastically. ‘’Dude, we don’t even have smart phones.’’

‘’There are computers in the public library, Louis.’’ Zayn says with passion. ‘’We can make this work and this way, we’ll be gone before social services take them.’’

‘’They can still track us, you know.’’

''But why make it easy for them?''

''Zayn...''

‘’Do you want to be here waiting for them to take our boys from us?’’ Zayn fires back.

‘’No of course not.’’ Louis sighs. ‘’But…’’

‘’But what?’’

‘’Are you guys going to come in or what?’’ Liam barges outside into the porch. ‘’It’s getting dark out here and the boys are worried.’’

‘’Yeah, we’re coming.’’ Louis stands up before he turns to Zayn. ‘’We have no other choice, do we?’’

‘’I can’t think of any, no.’’

‘’Then we leave tomorrow night.’’ Louis says, offering his fist to Zayn.

Zayn fist bumps him back.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

They were doomed from the start.

They didn’t have much to pack but the car can only fit so much. They were all waiting by the porch for Zayn to come back from the pawn shop and every few minutes, Niall would return to the house because he forgot something, whether it’s the camera or his pillow or mama’s balls of thread.

‘’Niall, that’s not important.’’ Louis sighs as Niall gets Liam to open the trunk so that he can squeeze Leona’s knitting needles and yarn in his bag.

‘’It is important.’’ Niall insists. ‘’I want them.’’

‘’Niall c’mon...’’

Louis is about to argue when he hears the sound of a car approaching. His hearts starts to sink when he see Bella and Phil through the front window and another car behind them.

‘’Louis?’’

He doesn’t expect Harry to hug him and realizes that he’s being hugged because there are tears sliding down his face.

‘’They’re not taking you.’’ Louis pushes him away and stares him in the eye. ‘’You hear me?’’

Harry is confused at first and then he looks behind Louis and his face starts to crumble.

‘’But you said…’’

‘’Louis?’’

‘’You said you will buy us more time!’’ he doesn’t mean to raise his voice but when he turns around and sees how apologetic Miss Sanders looks, it makes his blood boil. ‘’You promised!’’

‘’I’m so sorry, Louis.’’ She tells him and though her tone is sincere, it doesn’t change the situation.

‘’Harry, Niall,’’ an older lady stands beside Bella with a tall man behind her. Louis knows they’re from social services, assigned to take Niall and Harry to another foster care. ‘’Pack your bags please and come with me now.’’

‘’No,’’ Niall says shakily. ‘’My brother Zayn went on an errand and he’s not here yet. I have to see him first.’’

‘’Son, we don’t really have time for that.’’ The man says gruffly.

‘’Give them some time,’’ Phil says. ‘’They’re just kids.’’

‘’And we have a schedule to commit to.’’ The older lady says.

‘’No, I want Zayn.’’ Niall starts crying. ‘’I won’t leave without seeing him first.’’

‘’Kid, let’s not do this the rough way, yes?’’ the tall man squares his shoulders, putting hands by his hips. ‘’Are you coming or not?’’

‘’Ben, drop the tough guy act!’’ Phil orders. ‘’They’re not violent kids! Just wait for a couple of minutes.’’

‘’Where’s Zayn, Louis?’’ Bella asks.

‘’He’s at the shops.’’ Louis replies. ‘’He’s just running a bit late, is all.’’

‘’Look kid, no need to lie.’’ The man called Ben says. ‘’I can see the suitcases in the car.’’

Fuck, Louis forgot the trunk was open.

‘’Were you planning to run because you lost the house?’’ the older lady asks. Louis should have known that word about the bank would reach them.

‘’Margaret, I’m sure there’s a misunderstanding.’’ Bella tries to explain.

‘’Look, we’re wasting time here.’’ Ben says impatiently before he turns to Margaret. ‘’The one with the curls is Harry, yes?’’

‘’Please just wait.’’ Harry pleads, reaching for Louis’ hand and squeezing hard.

‘’Yeah and you can place Niall; he’s the one with the accent.’’ Margaret nods her head. ‘’I’m really sorry boys but we have to go now.’’

‘’Miss Sanders, please...’’ Louis says but Harry is already hugging him.

‘’Don’t forget me,’’ he pleads and Louis hugs him back but it’s not enough of a distraction to see that Niall had decided to make a run for it.

‘’Niall no!’’ Liam calls and they watch in horror as Ben tackles Niall to the ground and roughly man handles him back to his feet.

‘’Get away from him!’’ Liam tries to pry the man off of Niall but it’s to no avail, especially when Phil intervenes and pushes Liam away. Louis watches in horror as the man literally throws Niall into his car and locks him in, even when Niall tries to stomp his feet at the glass and Liam tries to plead with the man to just wait.

‘’You gonna come gently or what?’’ Ben shouts at Harry, startling him.

Louis gathers him in his arms because he’s already missed his chance on saying goodbye to Niall, he can’t miss out on saying goodbye to Harry.

‘’Liam, get their bags.’’ He calls before he diverts his attention to Harry.

''Lou...''

‘’I love you.’’ Louis says to Harry and ignores Liam, can't see the heartbreak on his face when his own is splintering in his chest. He kisses Harry's cheek several times. ‘’I will find you, Haz. I won’t forget you. I promise.’’

‘’Don’t give up on me.’’ Harry cries into his neck. ‘’Please.’’

‘’I won’t but you have to be strong till then.’’ Louis pleads. He can see Ben approaching; can see Liam trying to calm Niall down through the window, carrying two bags in his arms, including Harry’s old rucksack. He’s running out of time. ‘’You have to make it Harry, you have to be brave.’’

‘’I love you.’’ Harry sneaks a kiss just when Ben gets a grip on his forearm and pulls him away. ‘’Louis!’’

Louis catches his hand and follows them to the other car. It hits him then.

‘’Are you separating them?’’ Louis asks Margaret.

‘’That’s none of your concern.’’ She simply says before she turns towards the car that had Niall.

‘’Miss Sanders!’’

‘’I’ll look into it, Lou.’’ She says more but Louis doesn’t hear it because he stumbles when his hand is ripped away and the door is shut in Harry’s face.

‘’Find me, please.’’ Harry begs.

‘’I will, I will, I’ll not stop looking.’’ Louis promises and he wishes he could hold his face and wipe his tears, wishes he could take him far away from everything. He looks up and sees Liam gripping his hair, looking at Niall like he’s slowly losing his mind. Louis runs to the other car quickly.

‘’Please, I haven’t said goodbye.’’ He bangs on the window where Ben is about to turn the car on. ‘’Please.’’

The man’s lips curve down but he huffs and turns down Niall’s window just enough for Louis to take Niall into his arms.

‘’I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go.’’ Niall repeats, shaking and trembling, snot smeared all over his face when he looks at him, baby blue eyes all red rimmed. ‘’I want Zayn. Please, please.’’

‘’I’ll find you,’’ Louis promises and hopes his words are not empty. ‘’It’s just temporary, okay? We won’t give up on you, I swear, Niall.’’

‘’Time’s up, boys, c’mon.’’ Ben says and the window starts pushing up and Louis has to let go or else he’ll be caught in the middle.

He’s crying as he watches the car start moving, crying as he runs back towards Harry’s window and sees that the glass is rolled down, Harry’s bags in his lap. He catches his hand and Harry kisses his knuckles.

‘’I love you, I love you.’’ They repeat to each other but Phil starts driving too.

‘’Hey, hey! Wait!’’ Louis looks up just in time to see Zayn running for the other car, shouting, ‘’Niall, wait! Wait!’’

But it’s too late. Everything’s fallen apart.


	4. 4

_Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time_   
_Here comes the start of every sleepless night_   
_The first of every tear I'm gonna cry_   
_Here comes the pain, here comes me wishing things had never changed_

-Rascal Flatts, Here Comes Goodbye

‘’Those things will kills you one day.’’ Louis says. He’s been sitting on the porch steps for close to an hour now. Liam’s hauled all their bags back into the house and has probably locked himself in his room. Zayn’s pacing in front of him, smoking his third cig.

‘’Like I fucking give a fuck!’’ Zayn shouts. ‘’Fuck!!!!’’

‘’Zayn!’’ Louis yells. ‘’Will that fucking do anything?’’

Zayn’s chest heaves with exertion, eyes wide and angry before he crumbles on the steps next to Louis. He flicks the bud of his cig away rather violently.

For the first time since he’s known him, Zayn starts crying.

‘’How can they do this to Niall? To Harry?’’ he mutters followed by a series of expletives. Louis cannot blame him. He can feel the loss already, like he’s lost a fucking limb.

He relives those last few moments and recalls telling Harry to be strong, to be brave and it hits him that there’s no point in moping around when they’ve got important things to do.

‘’You got the money?’’ Louis asks Zayn.

‘’What…’’ Zayn pauses. ‘’Yeah I got 8000 pounds.’’

‘’Fuck, how did you do that?’’ he asks. He’s very impressed.

‘’I know some people.’’ Zayn merely says, wiping tears off his face.

‘’Okay, that’s good. We’re going to need more.’’ Louis says. ‘’We’re going to do that garage sale and when school’s over, we’re moving to London.’’

‘’What if the bank comes around for the house before that?’’

‘’I’ll make a call, tell them we’re leaving anyways and it’s only a few months left before we finish school.’’ Louis says and he hopes beyond all hope that they won’t be homeless before they graduate.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The bank gives them the time they need after promising that they’ll be leaving for London anyways and Miss Sanders manages to get them the location of the orphanage that Harry’s staying at. Niall had already been sent to another foster care and she promises to look into visitations or at least a contact number.

‘’It’s not so different from before.’’ Harry tells him down the line, after Miss Sanders managed to get him their home number. It’s the night of an exam and it’s not like Louis intends to get A’s anyways, not when talking to Harry is more important. ‘’So many people, a shared bathroom, lots of kids.’’

‘’You’ve had dinner already?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Yeah but...’’ Harry’s voice breaks. ‘’I miss mama’s food. I miss you.’’

‘’Don’t start crying now.’’ Louis says in a teasing tone, trying to lighten the mood, even though he wants to weep. ‘’What would all those other kids say?’’

‘’They’re mostly seven and younger.’’ Harry informs him. ‘’I don’t think they understand what true love is yet.’’

Louis bites his lower lip. The ache in his chest only grows bigger when Harry says that because if what they have really is true love then why on earth is their time being spent apart?

‘’Yeah,’’ he just says.

‘’Where are you?’’ Harry asks.

‘’In the kitchen, sitting on the stool. The chord of the phone isn’t long enough for me to sit on the couch.’’

‘’Have you visited mama?’’

‘’Yeah, put some new flowers in her vase.’’

‘’What kind of flowers?’’

They talk and talk until the time is up for Harry’s phone call.

‘’I’ll call you soon, same time yeah?’’ Harry asks.

‘’I’ll be here.’’ Louis checks the time so that he makes sure he’s available. If he takes the bus from school, he’ll make it just in time to catch Harry’s phone call which means he cannot afford detention. He’ll remember to tell Zayn that.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

The school year ends and they finally have their garage sale. On Louis’ insistence, Zayn does not sell his type-writer and neither does Liam sell Niall's watch.

‘’If I’m not selling the car then neither of you are selling those gifts,’’ he’d set his foot down and told them.

However, Liam does manage to get a refund on his summer internship on the grounds that he’ll just apply when he goes to London.

‘’We can sell the type writer and the watch in London if we need to,’’ Louis tells them when they count the money they’re slowly getting from the garage sale. ‘’And only as a last resort, okay?’’

They’re outside in their garden, watching their neighbours look through the items they put on sale. It includes all their paperback books that Leona had them read all summer, their comic books (not including the one Harry got for him), the lawn mower, the microwave, the fridge, the coffee table, the drapes that he ripped off his first night in the house. They sell everything, even Leona’s grandfather clock, their portable fans, their carpet, their study table, chairs and the couch. They packed only their clothes and a few belongings which they will need where they’re going but they need the money first and then they can figure out about buying new furniture. They make another 8000 pounds out of the sale.

They finish up right in time for Louis’ last phone call with Harry.

‘’I will buy a smart phone as soon as we get to London and I’ll give the number to Miss Sanders so that she can give it to you.’’ Louis explains. ‘’That way, you can call us wherever you are, okay?’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry says, excited. He’d been moved to London a month back and for a while there, Louis worried that he’ll disappear with the wind, same as what happened with Niall. There are just so many kids in the system and it’s easy to get lost. In the time that Niall had been apart from them, Niall had been shuffled to three foster cares until Miss Sanders lost track of his case, which only means either he’s flown back to Ireland or he’s in London too.

Either way, it’s all the more reason why they have to leave Manchester and go.

They haven’t told Harry about Niall, not wanting to scare him; it’s bad enough that Zayn’s losing his shit over the idea that Niall might be out there somewhere, hurting. Honestly, Louis couldn’t wait to get out of this small town, no matter how many nice memories he’s had in it with the boys.

‘’I’m one step closer to you, baby.’’ Louis says, smiling down the line. ‘’I miss you so much, you have no idea.’’

‘’I think about you all the time, you know,’’ Harry tells him. ‘’Wish I’d celebrated my birthday with you guys.’’

‘’Yeah, me too.’’ Louis says sadly.

‘’What would you have gotten me?’’ Harry asks.

Louis regales him with stories of how Harry’s birthday party would have been, how Leona would have prepared him his favourite banana cake and he describes to him as best as he can all the presents he’s going to receive when they meet again.

‘’I’ll see you soon, then?’’ Harry says. They end every phone call that way because they don’t plan on giving up on each other, no matter what.

‘’I’ll see you soon, love.’’ Louis says.

‘’I love you.’’

‘’I love you, Haz.’’

‘’Send my love to the boys for me.’’

‘’Right back at you, my love.’’

Louis cannot honestly truly wait to see him again indeed.

………………………………………………………………………………………

They make one stop for gas before they finally arrive in London. It’s crowded and the air is full of smog, which was quite overwhelming. On their first day, they go into a library and research areas with cheap apartment prices. They find some in the uni area, near campus and it’s another hour of traffic before they reach their destination.

Louis parks the car and with the ads on available apartments printed out in their hands, they go knocking on doors. Their options are slowly narrowing down though, as a lot of uni students have decided to just rent their apartments temporarily throughout the summer or have stayed for internships or summer jobs. Slowly, they find themselves on the outskirts of the uni area where the apartments are more expensive.

In the end, they find nothing on their first day.

Louis eventually parks the car in some secluded area and they take turns on watch as they sleep the night away.

Only then it hits Louis that he hasn’t bought a phone yet and has probably gotten Harry worried over their missed phone call.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The next day, they go apartment hunting again until they find one in a dodgy area. The rent is cheap though and there are two bedrooms, a small kitchen, a small living room (no TV), a small dining area (No dining table) and a small bathroom (no mirror, no curtain around the shower and no towel drawers). It’s got a mismatched set of a couch and two arm chairs, a rickety coffee table, a leaking faucet in the kitchen and no heat system.

‘’How much is the rent?’’ Louis asks the landlord.

‘’2000 a month,’’ the guy says. He looks despicable.

‘’Hey, that’s a lot.’’ Zayn says quickly. ‘’I knocked on some doors on the way up here and was told the rent is 1500.’’

The man scowls at him but in the end he nodded.

‘’Fine, 1500 and no delays. If you miss out on rent, I’ll double it.’’ He threatens before he hands over the key.

‘’Good one.’’ Louis pats Zayn’s back.

They start getting their things from the car and then proceed to take inventory of the things they will need to buy. Beds and mattresses are one of them, a fridge, a washing machine, an oven and a microwave. The kitchen came with a set of cupboards that had pans, plates, cutlery and utensils. They even found a box of tools under the sink.

‘’Do we need anything else?’’ Liam asks as he checks the list.

‘’Well, we don’t need a dining set.’’ Louis says, thinking back to mama’s large table where they all sat together for their meals. ‘’But maybe a couple of chairs in the kitchen…’’

‘’No, check this out.’’ Zayn says, coming from the balcony, which they were surprised by. ‘’I found these foldable plastic chair outside and a picnic table.’’

‘’Okay, we can put those in the kitchen.’’ Louis says before he looks at Liam. ‘’Add a mirror maybe for the bathroom. We’re gonna need to shave if we want to look presentable when we go job hunting.’’

‘’Got it,’’ Liam says and pencils it down.

………………………………………………………………………………………

The three of them get in the car and Louis drives them to the nearest home Depot he can find. They buy the things they need and Zayn bargains the prices for them but in the end, they find their money slowly depleting.

‘’Well, we can eat cup noodles until we find jobs.’’ Liam says as they carry their furniture to the car so that they don’t have to pay for delivery. They’ve bought a linen closet to put their blankets, towels and pillow cases. They also bought a cupboard for the bathroom for their razors, soaps and shampoos and a hamper each for their laundry. After that, they went to the grocery store and bought cup noodles and a kettle.

‘’I’m dead tired.’’ Liam says, lying down on the sofa.

‘’Well, you go to bed, I need to buy a phone so I can call Harry.’’ Louis says and checks the money. ‘’Fuck, I don’t know if this will be enough.’’

‘’Give me,’’ Zayn says and counts the money. ‘’Look, we can buy one of them button phones for now if we’ll just need it for phone calls. That way, we can save up for a proper phone.’’

‘’Okay, good idea.’’

‘’You stay, I’ll go buy the phone.’’ Zayn says and is off before anyone can say anything.

‘’You worried Zayn might go back to selling drugs?’’ Liam asks after the door closes.

‘’Yeah, you read my mind.’’ Louis sighs, sitting back in the arm chair. It smells like dead insects. ‘’I hope he finds a job in sales. He’s good.’’

‘’Let Zayn hear you say that and you’ll regret it.’’ Liam snorts.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis agrees. Zayn would rather piss on himself than wear a suit and go to work. The lone artist suits his aesthetic.

‘’You think Niall is okay?’’ Liam asks quietly. They haven’t heard a word from Miss Sanders about him and Louis knows that Liam had even gone as far as going to the police station before they left Manchester and tried to file a missing person's police report. Louis hopes that perhaps something will come out of that, if nothing else.

‘’He has to be,’’ Louis says because he can’t allow himself to worry about Niall, can’t allow himself to mourn or cry for mama, can’t allow himself any heartbreak over Harry. He needs to be strong if he’s going to have any chance of finding his boys.

‘’Yeah,’’

……………………………………………………………………………………….

They find jobs quickly since they’re not really picky and it was easier after Zayn went back to the library and had their school certificates emailed to them. They don’t plan on attending graduation.

Liam finds a job at a petrol station, a midnight shift. He also now works part-time as a dish-cleaner in a restaurant so he has the luxury of sleeping the morning away.

Zayn finds a job as a server at a coffee shop and uses his looks to charm tourists into taking photos using mama’s Polaroid camera.

Louis finds a job at a bakery and he’s grateful to mama for teaching him how to handle hot ovens and pastries. He works in the early hours of the morning, from 4 am to 12 pm, assisting in baking batches of bread and all other assortments for the morning rush. He rushes home to prepare lunch for the boys and then rushes to his other job as a cashier in a Toys R Us establishment.

They make things work and they make their rent.

However, when Louis checks with Miss Sanders as to why Harry hasn’t been calling even after he gave her their new number, she informs him that Harry had been adopted.

‘’They’re good family, Lou.’’ She tells him after she’d rendered him speechless. ‘’They wanted him the moment they saw him.’’

‘’That’s…that’s great.’’ Louis says and he should feel happy for Harry, he really should which is why he doesn’t understand why it feels like there’s a vice around his heart. ‘’You gave him my number?’’

‘’I didn’t make it in time. I wanted to come up for a visit, see him in person instead of calling but he wasn’t there anymore when I arrived.’’ She tells him sadly.

‘’Oh,’’

‘’Look, I’ll see if I can get in contact with the family and let them know about you guys…’’

‘’No, no, no, don’t do that.’’ Louis interrupts. ‘’Let him start his new life. He deserves that.’’

‘’Lou…’’

‘’I mean it, as long as they’re good people, then that’s…that’s great.’’

‘’Lou, I’m really sorry. I know how much…’’

‘’Any news on Niall?’’ Louis interrupts loudly.

‘’No, I’m still looking into it.’’ She sighs, knows better not to pursue the issue. ‘’But I’ve got friends in London who are sure he’s still in the country and…’’

‘’But not in the system?’’

‘’I know you think he’s run away again…’’

‘’I’m pretty sure he has.’’ Louis says sternly. ‘’If he’s not in the system then that only means he’s in the streets.’’

‘’The authorities are looking for him, Louis. I promise you that.’’

It’s not enough.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

He tells the boys about what happened but tells a little fib, tells them that Harry has their number and he’ll be sure to continue calling. The relieved look on Zayn and Liam’s face is worth the lie.

The summer passes by in a blur of work and heat, making rent, buying more furniture, surviving on cup noodles and getting to know the capital. Every weekend, they go to the library, print out a missing person’s flyer and stand in crowded areas, hoping to find Niall. They have a picture of him with his crooked teeth and baby cheeks, found in Leona’s purse and they have it scanned and included in the flyer.

In keeping busy, he puts Harry out of his mind. He even finds another job, selling newspaper in the street in the weekends. He buys a bicycle to save money on gas and lends Liam the car so that he doesn’t go to work in the dark since his shift starts at 1:30 in the morning and ends at 9:30 am.

They always have lunch together and leave together for their part time job before all three of them sit for a quiet dinner.

‘’I want to buy a telly,’’ Zayn announces one night. It’s already autumn and there’s a chill in the air. The landlord hasn’t provided a heater yet nor has he fixed the leak but Liam’s gotten handy with the tool box and managed to fix it. As for the winter, they might just add layers to their bedding and save up on the electric bill.

‘’Do we have the money for it?’’ Louis asks. Zayn had stopped with the photography thing since it wasn’t really making a lot of money and found a job over in the weekend at a flower shop, helping some nice old lady with cutting thorns and trimming stems.

‘’Let’s save up for one.’’ Zayn says and Louis nods. If they pool their money together and perhaps live on cup noodles for another month or two, they can make it happen.

‘’I think we ought to buy phones instead.’’ Liam argues. ‘’The one phone we have doesn’t always get good reception.’’

‘’But I want Netflix, man.’’ Zayn insists.

‘’Look, there’s no reason why we can’t have both.’’ Louis says. ‘’But phones are more of a priority right now so let’s focus on that one first and then we can buy a telly by the end of the year, yeah? Sounds good?’’

‘’Deal,’’ Liam is quick to agree.

‘’Fine,’’ Zayn huffs.

‘’Any progress on the writing?’’ Louis asks to distract him.

‘’Am working on it.’’ Zayn says before he finishes his shawerma sandwich and gulps down on the coke. It's a rare luxury of a meal, one they will miss. ‘’I’m full.’’

‘’I can probably make home-made of these.’’ Louis comments as he looks at the inside of the wrap he’s got. ‘’What do you think, lads?’’

‘’You probably can, yeah?’’

They talk through the night right around the time Liam has to head for work and then Louis goes to sleep. He hasn’t got a lot of hours before he has to go to work but he can’t sleep anyways, thoughts of Harry lingering on his mind.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

It’s October and winter is biting their arses. Liam had to leave his job, saying it’s too cold to be out there at such an hour and has found a job as a delivery boy for a pizza shop, borrowing Louis’ bicycle for it. He works reasonable hours now, from 8 am to 4 pm and he and Liam usually eat lunch on their way out, mostly sandwiches since it’s easier to handle.

‘’The tips are better,’’ Liam says and Louis just hopes he’s careful with the traffic and not rushing to get more tips.

‘’How’s the part-time job?’’ Louis asks as he unhooks the bike. He’s forced to go on foot for the morning job but he doesn’t mind since Liam lets him have the bike in the afternoon.

‘’Not bad, but the cold water is killing my hands.’’ Liam says. ‘’washing dishes suck.’’

‘’Yeah,’’

They don’t manage to buy each other phones as priority goes to buying more winter clothes and more bedding. It’s somehow colder in London than it was in Manchester and maybe it has to do with living in the 6th floor of the building they’re in. The draft coming from the balcony and door is a bitch and they’re hungrier more, Louis loading up on food so that they can warm their bellies.

It’s on his way home that he gets a strange call on his button phone.

‘’Hello, is this Zayn?’’

‘’No, who is this?’’ Louis asks, stopping in the middle of the pavement.

‘’You tell your boy to get me my 700 pounds tonight or else I’ll snitch him to the cops.’’

The line clicks and it takes a second for Louis to realize what’s going on before he’s storming home.

Liam is already there, preparing dinner and Zayn is lounging in the arm chair, counting their money.

‘’Oh, looking for 700 pounds are you?’’ Louis says the moment he crosses the threshold.

‘’What does that mean?’’ Zayn says.

‘’Somebody just called my piece of shit phone and asked for you,’’ Louis says and he knows he’s yelling by the looks he’s getting from Liam.

‘’What? I didn’t give that number to anyone!’’

‘’Don’t you fucking lie to me.’’ Louis grits out. ‘’You’re selling drugs again, I know you are and if you don’t hand over that money, this guy is gonna fucking rat on you to the cops!’’

‘’Zee, is that true?’’ Liam asks, big puppy eyes sad and shocked. ‘’Is that how you bought us these new phones?’’

Louis notices the boxes on the coffee table, packaging and bubble wrap spread on the floor.

‘’It pays well,’’ Zayn says quietly, avoiding Louis’ eyes. ‘’and we’re gonna need it if we have every intention of finding Niall.’’

‘’Don’t bring Niall into this!’’ Liam yells. ‘’What would mama say if she were still alive, Zayn? How could you?’’

‘’I’m not using!’’ Zayn yells back. ‘’And we need the fucking money! It’s already winter and Niall could be in some ditch out there and we can print flyers all day long, it’s not gonna cut it!’’

‘’Oh and new phones will?’’

‘’Yes, Louis! We need to spread our search! We need the internet, we need to do more!’’

‘’You ending up in prison is not worth the fucking risk, Zayn!’’ Liam yells.

‘’Look, this guy who called me, he sounds fucking serious so you better pay up and end your dealings or so help me Zayn, I will rat on you myself.’’ Louis warns.

‘’Lou…’’

‘’And why the fuck do you owe that money anyway?’’

‘’Didn’t sell a couple of baggies,’’ Zayn admits. ‘’wanted to enter a night club and gave it for free so that the bouncer could let me through.’’

‘’I can’t believe you…’’

‘’Screw you, Louis! I wanted to live a little!’’

‘’You pay up tonight,’’ Louis says as calmly as he can. ‘’Or else, when we find Niall, I’m telling him.’’

The look on Zayn’s face lets him know that he's very aware of how serious he is.

They all contribute and help Zayn pay back the money and they never speak about the incident ever again.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

About three weeks later, Louis is on his way home from the bakery when he gets a call from Liam.

‘’Lou! Lou! Can you hear me? Lou!’’

‘’Liam, calm down!’’ Louis collides with a person, startled by Liam’s frantic voice and moves to an alley way. ‘’I hear you! What’s wrong?’’

‘’Lou! I found Niall! Come home, now!’’

Louis’ heart drops between his legs.

‘’I’m on my way!’’

He practically runs and hates the fact that his job is half an hour away on foot. He wants to take the bus which is what he began to do since it’s too cold to walk home through the thick snow but his heart is beating so fast. Liam’s call does not sound promising, at all. It wasn’t excited or giddy, it was something else and Louis fears for the worse.


	5. 5

_Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger_   
_Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home_   
_And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'_   
_Your prison is walking through this world all alone_

Eagles, Desperado

Liam had been walking back from a delivery when he’d passed by a homeless shelter. It was snowing and too dangerous for him to be cycling so he’d decided to walk by the pavement with his bike next to him, headed for the bus station to take him back to work.

That’s when his bike wheel stumbled across a snow-covered leg.

Least to say, Niall was in a bad way.

Liam had left the bike in the alleyway and carried Niall home, dumped him in their bath tub and soaked him in hot water before he called Louis.

‘’His leg looks bad,’’ Liam hiccups. He’d waited for Louis to come home before getting Niall out of the bath tub, pale skin flushed pink and warm.

‘’I know,’’ Liam is right; as they’re dressing Niall up in Zayn’s clothes because theirs was too baggy on him, Niall’s left leg remained black and blue, particularly near the knee and lower leg area. That’s not to mention the jutted hip bones, the visible ribs and the fact that Niall was still passed out on Louis’ bed.

‘’Should we call Zayn?’’ Liam asks, placing a towel on Louis’ pillow before gently laying Niall’s head on it. Louis looks at his phone and notes that it’s 2 pm already.

‘’He finishes work at 4,’’ Louis reminds him. ‘’Just a couple of hours and he’ll be home.’’

‘’Yeah,’’

‘’You need to call work,’’ Louis tells him. ‘’Call off today.’’

Liam nods and he and Louis proceed to cancel their shifts that day, tips be damned.

‘’I can’t believe he’s here,’’ Liam says. He hasn’t stopped crying since Louis arrived and even now, his tears are still dripping down his face, albeit silently.

Louis suddenly has the urge to pick up the phone and tell Harry. He’s tired of lying to the boys, tired of making up stories about how well Harry is doing when in truth, he can barely sleep at the thought of Harry’s family, if they’re cruel, if Harry’s not adjusting and seeing the state of Niall right now, is making his anxiety hit the roof.

‘’I need a smoke,’’ Louis says and heads for the balcony. ‘’Let me know when he wakes up.’’

He finishes a whole pack before he hears the door open.

He puts the lighter away and gets back inside, tips of his fingers cold and body shaking when Zayn closes the door.

‘’You okay?’’ Zayn asks him and Louis finds himself suddenly crying.

‘’Niall’s here,’’ he says, making Zayn’s eyes bug. ‘’Liam found him.’’

Zayn’s eyes dart around before he moves to the kitchen.

‘’In my room,’’ Louis says and then hurries after him. ‘’But wait…’’

Zayn doesn’t listen and proceeds to almost rip the door off its hinges in his haste. Liam startles at their entrance but Niall doesn’t move an inch.

‘’Oh my god,’’ Zayn gasps before he climbs on the bed, getting on all fours above Niall.

‘’Zayn, be careful.’’ Liam chastises but it’s like he’s not even there.

‘’Niall? Bro?’’ Zayn pats Niall’s face, turning it this way and that. ‘’Niall, wake up. I’m here. Wake up.’’

‘’I think he’s sick,’’ Liam tells Louis. ‘’He’s feverish.’’

‘’Why isn’t he waking up?’’ Zayn sits back and asks sternly, eyes wet.

Liam tells Zayn how he founds him, tells him about his leg and Zayn moves aside and pulls the blanket down. They’d left Niall in basketball shorts and warm fuzzy socks, afraid to move his bum leg.

‘’We need to take him to the hospital.’’ Zayn says when he sees the state of his leg. ‘’It looks broken.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Louis says, his head back on his shoulders. ‘’Zayn, get the car started,’’ he instructs, throwing Zayn the car keys. ‘’Liam, wrap him up in the blankets, its cold out there. I’ll get the cash and follow you out.’’

With Louis level-headed and instructions to follow, they’re out of the apartment in no time. Louis manages to snatch Liam’s blankets before he goes down the stairs and goes to the alley way where they’ve parked the car.

‘’The motor’s frozen,’’ Zayn says, leg juggling up and down. ‘’We need to wait till it heats up.’’

‘’No problem,’’ Louis says as he proceeds to cover Niall up some more, where he’s laid down in the backseat, head on Liam’s lap. ‘’I’ll get some more blankets.’’

He jogs up the stairs and gets some blankets from their linen closet, hoping that by the time he’s back, the car is already running.

‘’Get in,’’ Zayn orders, opening the passenger door. Louis leaves the extra blankets to Liam to take care of and they’re off to the hospital, a blur of snow puffing in the air behind the squeal of the tyres.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

It’s bad but somehow manageable.

Niall’s got pneumonia and Zayn was right; Niall’s leg was broken in three places. He needs a couple of surgeries on his knee immediately, which the boys had immediately given the okay to. It was then down to waiting.

‘’How much do you think it will cost?’’ Louis asks. ''The surgeries?''

‘’We’ll pay for it,’’ Liam says sternly. ‘’I don’t care. I’ll pull extra shifts.’’

‘’Lou…’’

‘’You will not go back to selling drugs, Zee.’’ Louis hisses at Zayn. The waiting room is occupied so they’re left standing in some corridor, waiting for a doctor or even a nurse to tell them about Niall’s surgery.

‘’Then what the fuck do we do?’’ Zayn asks. ‘’You heard the doctor; he’s malnourished, needs a shit ton of surgery on his leg and who knows what else!’’

‘’Let's sell the car,’’ Louis tells him. ‘’This is the time to do it now; we don’t need it. We’ve got the bike.’’

‘’And the watch,’’ Liam says quietly. ‘’I think Niall will understand.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Zayn says, lips titled down.

‘’Can you do it now?’ Louis asks Zayn.

‘’Yeah, I can’t wait around here; I’ll just go crazy.’’ Zayn nods.

‘’Okay, you have the keys; go back home and get the watch.’’

‘’It’s under my mattress.’’ Liam says. Between the three of them, he’s the best with the money so they usually leave it up to him to manage the bills and finances.

‘’Call me if you hear anything, yeah?’’ Zayn says, hugging them both tight.

‘’You got it.’’ Louis says. ‘’Just be careful, okay?’’

‘’I will,’’ Zayn doesn’t turn back around as he hurries out of the hospital.

‘’Shouldn’t you call Harry? Let him know?’’ Liam asks.

‘’He’s always the one who calls remember?’’ Louis hedges.

‘’But this is an emergency.’’

‘’Yeah but he doesn’t have his own phone like us.’’ Louis lies.

‘’Hmm, okay.’’ Liam sighs. ‘’Let’s go find the accounting office the nurse told us about. See what we’re up against.’’

………………………………………………………………………………………..

It turns out, they’re up against a lot and that’s only after one night in the hospital. Louis contemplates getting a loan from the bank.

‘’Look, you don’t have to pay it all at once,’’ the kind lady says behind her desk. ‘’We can work out a plan where you can pay a certain amount, like in installments.’’

‘’Okay, that can work for us.’’ Liam says. In the end, she doesn’t tell them the amount yet, not until they know what more Niall will need and how long he’ll be staying in the hospital. Louis just wants to take him home.

They leave their contact numbers and since it’s long past visitation hours, they have no choice but to go home where they find Zayn.

‘’Got the money?’’ he asks, watching Zayn count the cash.

‘’Yeah, I got 5000 from the car and 2000 from the watch.’’ Zayn says before he sighs. ‘’I feel like it’s not enough.’’

Louis avoids his eyes as he takes a seat heavily in one of the arm chairs. Liam just collects the money and goes to add it in the jar he’s got hidden in one of the kitchen drawers. Louis gives him the rest of the money since they won't be paying up as of yet.

‘’We won’t know until he’s awake,’’ Louis tells Zayn.

''But it's gonna be a lot for sure.''

‘’Why didn’t you come to the hospital?'' Louis asks, in need of a distraction. ''We called you.’’

‘’Went to get the bike,’’ Zayn says, pointing at the balcony where they usually keep it. ‘’Liam told me where he’d left it. Had to walk.’’

‘’Oh, okay.’’ Louis closes his eyes. The adrenaline and worry from the day was hitting him hard. ‘’Thank goodness it’s the weakened tomorrow.’’

‘’I’m thinking of not going to work,’’ Zayn says.

‘’No, you have to.’’ Liam says, coming back from the kitchen with three cup noodles. ‘’Louis and I didn’t go to work today and we’re gonna need the money to pay the hospital bills.’’

‘’What about Niall? I need to be there when he wakes up.’’

‘’We’ll call you,’’ Louis placates. ‘’Liam can go ahead and I’ll finish with the newspapers and follow.’’

They make plans on how they’re gonna go about when Niall comes home. Louis suggests that Niall take his room and he can have the couch since they don’t have a second bed and they can just buy a new bed when they’re done paying the hospital bills.

Louis goes to sleep, thoughts about Harry forgotten.

………………………………………………………………………………………

When Niall wakes up, it’s after a whole week has passed. His bout of pneumonia was pretty rough and he had to have constant liquid food and fluids pumped into him from how malnourished and under- weight he was, to the point where it was affecting his immunity and recovery period.

Liam had talked to the workers in the homeless shelter and they said that Niall had been frequenting the place a lot, said something even about Niall coming in one day with a busted jaw. This made them ask the doctors to check on Niall’s face and they realized that Niall needs some teeth implants since he’d lost some of his lower and back teeth from rot. They concluded that Niall most probably had been in a car accident on his way to the homeless shelter and had been dragged to the alley way to be left for dead.

It made Louis’ blood boil.

‘’I’m glad he’s 18 now,’’ Liam says. They’re in the hospital ward beside Niall’s bed, heart monitors beeping everywhere around them.‘’He can come home with us.’’

‘’Yeah, I already told Miss Sanders.’’ Louis says. ‘’She’s happy you found him.’’

‘’A stroke of luck,’’ Liam snorts. ‘’Can’t even think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to deliver a pizza in that area.’’

‘’Yeah,’’

Louis takes a look at Niall’s face and seeing no motion, he goes back to looking at his phone. He’s been trying to find ads for a weekend job, which he’s gonna need since he’s pretty sure the hospital bills are racking up day by day.

But all that’s forgotten, when Niall finally wakes up…

Finally

………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’You comfy, Ni? Can I get you anything?’’ Liam has been running around the apartment like a crazed puppy, piling blankets upon blankets on Niall, fluffing his pillows, ruffling his hair, putting one sweater after another on him.

Louis just watched with amusement, tears of happiness in his eyes, sitting on the coffee table and watching Niall cuddle into Zayn’s chest, hugging a cushion to his chest.

They’d told Zayn not to rush to the hospital since they’ve decided to take Niall home after a round of check-ups. He wasn’t supposed to go home until the next day, doctors wanting to keep him for observations but Niall had thrown himself into a panic attack at the thought of Liam and Louis disappearing from his sight.

So, they made sure to promise that they will follow the doctor’s strict instructions to the letter, making sure that Niall’s leg is propped. His knee brace and leg brace are not to be taken off under any circumstances, that the cast on his leg is not to get wet and that he be given his medication on the dot and not miss a single pill.

As soon as they’d arrived home, Zayn must have been too anxious to wait inside the apartment and they found him in front of the building, already rushing towards the door and proceeding to hug the life out of Niall in the backseat of the cab. Louis asked the driver to give them a minute, crying as he observed the reunion.

Since Zayn had carried Niall upstairs, he’d been adamant not to leave him and therefore, Liam was doing all the fussing while Zayn kept Niall propped up on his lap and Niall’s bum leg elevated on multiple cushions.

‘’Sit down already,’’ Niall says, making grabby motions at Liam, Zayn’s hands locked around his waist, resting against his hip.

‘’Okay, okay, here.’’ He hands Niall a bowl of vegetable soup, even goes as far as wrapping his bony hands around the cup like an infant.

‘’Tell me everything,’’ Niall says, head resting back on Zayn’s shoulder. ‘’I want to know everything I missed out on.’’

They talk all through the night, Zayn coaxing him to eat and when Niall gets too droopy, he feeds him himself.

''Go to sleep, Ni.'' Louis says, eyes never leaving Niall's face. It's so good to see him, he can just look at him all day.

''No, not sleepy.'' Niall says stubbornly. He’s adamant and refuses to go to sleep, keeps snapping his eyes open, like he wants to make sure they’re still there, until the third bowl Liam prepared for him is empty and he’s dead asleep in Zayn’s arms.

‘’I’m quitting my part-time job,’’ Liam says quietly, rubbing his hand up and down Niall’s blanket-covered thighs.

‘’Li…’’ Louis snaps back awake, almost dozing on the floor, back against the arm chair closest to Niall. ‘’We need the money.’’

‘’I don’t care.’’ Liam shakes his head at him. ‘’He needs us more and I’ll work something out. I’ll buy a laptop from our savings and work from home or something, do those survey things.’’

‘’Are you sure there’s enough money coming from that?’’ Zayn asks, chin resting on Niall’s head.

‘’Doesn’t matter,’’ Liam shakes his head before looking back at Niall gently. ‘’He needs someone here with him, someone to baby him, help him to the bathroom, cuddle him. This isn’t the time to be apart from him, not after what he’s been through.’’

Niall hasn’t really talked much about what’s happened to him but Liam knows what living in the streets is like so he understands.

‘’I’ll switch to the evening shifts.’’ Zayn says. ‘’That way, I can be home while you guys are at work and you can be here when you get back.’’

‘’I’m free all weekend afternoon,’’ Louis says. ‘’Don’t think the newspaper thing will work out in the long run though. The tips are in dimes. Not exactly a highlight.’’

‘’We’ll work it out,’’ Liam says, like he can read the desperate look on Louis’ face. ‘’We can do it.’’

Louis wants to believe him but he can only image what the hospital bill has raked up to, not to mention the cost of a laptop.

He’s gonna need something stronger than just a pack of cigs.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

They say you can never run away from the devil, not after you make a pact with him. And though Louis tries to believe that things cannot get any worse, that all changes when he runs into Nick Grimshaw.

He’s leaving the bakery a week after Niall's been home, headed towards the hospital when he sees someone waving at him from across the street. It’s snowing again, albeit lightly and he doesn’t recognize the face until the person is right in front of him.

‘’Lewis, don’t you remember me?’’ Nick asks, shaking his shoulders.

‘’Nick, hi!’’ Louis exclaims, surprised. Nick has been one of the kids back in the foster care he was in before he met Leona. He was such a trouble-maker, loved his weed a lot. ‘’It’s been almost a year, man.’’

‘’Yeah and you’ve become one sexy mother fucker.’’ Nick says, hands squeezing his waist. Yeah and he’s also very touchy.

‘’Dude, knock off the goods.’’ Louis chuckles before he pushes Nick’s hands away. Even after he'd been with Leona, they'd still meet up in the skate-park and goof around and seeing him now brings back all those memories.

‘’You working in London now?’’ Nick asks.

‘’Yeah, am headed home actually. You?’’

‘’Working in a night club.’’ Nick says. He’s two years older than Louis and he’s also quite tall and skinny, like a palm tree. ‘’Among other things.’’

‘’Yeah? Like what? Pimping?’’ Louis jokes but Nick’s eyes light up.

‘’Geez, Lou. How did you guess?’’

‘’Wait, seriously?’’ Louis says quietly.

‘’It earns, man.’’ Nick shrugs. ‘’Plus I get to have a free taste every once in a while.’’ He winks.

‘’Gross,’’ Louis cannot help but chuckle because he’s not really surprised. He should’ve known that Nick would land himself a dodgy job.

‘’I’m serious, and if you think I earn a lot, the babes earn more.’’ Nick says, getting an arm around Louis' shoulder and proceeding to walk. ‘’You headed this way?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis shrugs the arm off but continues walking side by side with Nick. ‘’Is that what you call them? Babes?’’

‘’Well, I won’t exactly call them hookers. It’s not cute.’’ Nick chides.

‘’Right,’’ Louis shakes his head at the absurdity of the situation.

''How are the lads? Still back home with your mum?''

Louis' mood dampens as he tells Nick about Leona and Harry and Niall's situation.

''That sucks.''

''Yeah,''

‘’You know what? You need to loosen up. Here,’’ Nick hands him a card. ‘’I work as a barman at the night club too; it’s a good front and it helps with hooking people up.’’ Nick winks. ‘’Come by and have a drink. On me.’’

‘’I might actually take you up on that,’ Louis says. If it’s free, it’s fine by him.

‘’Alright, well, I’m this way.’’ He says before he starts walking backwards. ‘’Great to see you, Lou and your fine piece of ass.’’ He says with a huge shit-eating smirk.

‘’Bye Nick!’’ Louis says loudly, his laughter ringing in the air.

It dies down just as quickly when he realizes he still needs to go to the hospital and check the bill that will take them hell to pay.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Whatever good spirit that came with seeing Nick, it’s all squashed away when he goes home with the hospital bill.

Where the hell will he get 540,000 pounds? That’s not to mention that Niall still needs to have his teeth fixed. The doctor said he can eat solid food but not too soon, they need to help ease his stomach into it after going so long on an empty belly. The accountant told Louis that they can pay in installment over the course of one year, which means he needs to find a way to get 45,000 pounds at the end of every month. Fuck!

He doesn’t tell the boys anything and for the life of him, he doesn’t know why he lies again too but seeing Niall so happy at home, his laughter filling up their cold apartment, Zayn looking more radiant than he has in months and talking animatedly with Niall, music from his cell phone filling the air, he cannot help it.

‘’I got a loan from the bank,’’ he tells Liam when he comes home. ‘It will help us pay the bills.’’

‘’But now we owe the bank instead,’’ Liam says in a frown. ‘’What difference does it make?’’

‘’It means we don’t have to pay anything up until one year from now.’’ Louis lies, lies lies. ‘’The bank had all these offers and I chose that one. They said we can pay a year from now and instead of a one-year plan, they gave me a two-year plan and in that way, we can pay less per month and still make rent.’’

‘’I didn’t know banks work that way,’’ Liam narrows his eyes at him while heating up a packet of noodles.

‘’Yeah but it’s all fine now.’’ Louis assures him.

''Hmm...''

‘’You found any job online yet?’’

‘’Yeah, I did a couple of surveys already.’’ Liam says, head nodding at the brand new laptop on the kitchen table. ‘’Good thing Niall sleeps a lot, I can work without too much of a fuss.’’

‘’He seems to be doing okay,’’ Louis says.

‘’He is and he’s keeping Zayn off the drug dealing too. I’ve never seen him so happy before,’’ Liam smiles at him.

‘’He’s got Zayn wrapped around his fingers, always have.’’ Louis says.

Talking about Niall distracts him from what he intends to do that night and it’s with his heart in his mouth that he takes out the card that Nick gave him after he leaves the toy shop.

_Yeah and you’ve become one sexy mother fucker_

_Yeah? Like what? Pimping?_

_If you think I earn a lot, the babes earn more_

_Great to see you, Lou and your fine piece of ass_

Those words run through his mind as he finds himself in front of the night club, like a condemnation, waiting to swallow him whole.

……………………………………………………………………………………

He finds Nick easily enough and Nick is as delighted to see him as he did that morning.

‘’You look like a lost puppy over there! Come here!’’ Nick says loudly, strobe lights colouring his face. ‘’What do you wanna drink?’’

‘’Can we talk?’’ Louis asks rather loudly, the music ringing in his ears. ‘’Somewhere private?’’

‘’Sure, just give me 10. I’ll take my break after.’’ Nick says. ‘’What will you drink till then? Seriously, it’s on me.’’

‘’Just a beer.’’

‘’You got it, babe.’’

Nick gives him a bottle of beer and it helps ease his nerves, settle the roiling waves in his stomach. The night club is booked full, bodies swaying everywhere but as Louis looks around, he sees a curtained-off area with big beefy guys in front of it. He wonders if that’s where he’s gonna be working if this thing with Nick works.

He manages to finish his beer by the time Nick goes out from behind the bar and pulls at his elbow, escorting him to the back door. The silence and the cold air is a bit of a shock but Nick takes out a smoke and lights one up before handing the cig over to Louis.

‘’Thanks,’’ Louis says before taking a deep hit.

‘’So, why do I get the feeling I know why you’re here?’’ Nick says, eyes roaming up and down on him.

‘’Always to the point, I see. You haven’t changed.’’ Louis says, thankful for the dim street lights that mask his blush.

‘’Yeah well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the streets, is that I have no time for bulllshit.’’ Nick says, taking a deep inhale from his cig. ‘’Only time to make money.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis knows the feeling. It feels like that’s all he does now; wake up, try to make ends meet, fails, worries about money, wakes up, does it all again.

‘’You wanna know how much the babes here make a night?’’ Nick says casually.

‘’I have a feeling you’ll tell me anyways.’’

‘’For a blowie; 50,’’ Nick continues. ‘’For a full on anal, 150. For a bit of rough and kinky 200 and for a threesome or more 400,’’ Nick pauses. ‘’There’s even an hourly rate if you’re cool with the clients doing whatever they want, which is 300 per hour.’’

‘’All in one night?’’ Louis asks, shocked.

‘’Yeah, if you’re up for more than one client, sure.’’

‘’What makes you think I’m here for that?’’

‘’Oh c’mon.’’ Nick chuckles, grin devilish. ‘’You think I talk about my work over here just to anyone I meet in the streets? I saw you and your ratty clothes, saw the exhausted look in your eyes, heard your sob story and I knew you’d be here in less than a week. The fact that you’re here now when we’d only met this morning speaks volumes.’’

Nick has always been like that, even back in the foster care; blunt and confident, ferocious and way too intelligent. If the circumstances were different, Louis would even admire him for it.

‘’The clients…’’ Louis swallows. ‘’They’re not…’’

‘’Are they women? It won’t matter if it’s a man or a woman, straight or gay or whatever, they just want someone to fuck, that’s all, someone to take away their stress. I mean, why else would they pay so much?’’

‘’I mean…’’

‘’If you prefer only men, I can arrange it.’’ Nick grins.

‘’Just stop for a second.’’ Louis snaps before his fingers sting and he curses, lets the cigarette bud fall from his hand. ‘’Sorry,’’

‘’No worries.’’ Nick says. ‘’Listen, I gotta get back in there, fix the clients up.’’

Nick then opens the door and looks at him.

‘’What?’’

‘’You coming or not?’’

‘’Can I think about it?’’

‘’You have till tomorrow or I’ll find another babe.’’ Nick says before he closes the door in his face.

……………………………………………………………………………………

He sneaks back home quietly and is grateful that he works such early hours so that no one has the chance to question why he’d come home late.

He tells them that day though, that he’s applied for extra hours at the toy store so that they don’t suspect anything and heads back to Nick’s night club.

He pays for his drink this time and it’s like a sign that told Nick he was serious.

He doesn’t wait long when Nick tells the other bartender something and then proceeds to take Louis out the back door. They walk up the fire-escape to the second floor until someone opens the balcony for them. The man there just greets Nick with a nod and completely ignores Louis.

Louis finds himself in a corridor, just like that of his building, with doors left and right, only this building looks quite posh, with velvet carpets on the floor and red wallpaper on the walls.

Nick opens a door at the end of the corridor with a key. The apartment they enter looks massive and huge and Louis is taken upstairs, following Nick to a room at the end of the hall. Louis can hear muffled sounds behind the doors to the other rooms and he knows what those sounds are and it’s then that he realizes that shit is getting real.

He’s about to sell himself.

‘’So this will be your room.’’ Nick says when he opens the door with another key and waves Louis in. The room is already lit from a lamp on the bed-side tables sandwiching the bed, which is queen-sized, right there in the middle of the room, with no blankets, just pillows. There’s a telly mounted on the wall in front of the bed and a chest of drawers near the bathroom. Other than that, the room is bare, not even with windows. ‘’There’s a connecting bathroom for you to clean up between clients.’’ Nick says. He opens the bathroom door and turns on the light inside.

‘’I’ll be escorting you to your room every night and will also fetch you when you’re done every night since I’ll be bringing the clients over to you.’’ Nick says. Gone is the friend he’d met yesterday morning and in his place is this business man; his pimp.

He thinks about Niall, about a couple of days ago, when he’d cried into his chest while Liam was taking a nap, begging him not to let him be taken away again, begging him to take care of him, to not throw him to the streets. He thinks about Harry, if the roles were reversed, if it was his sweet-loving Harry who had been put in Niall’s shoes and knows that he would have done the same; would have done anything to take care of him, even if it means stooping this low.

‘’Okay,’’

''There are other rooms out there with other babes. Actually all the apartments on this floor are functioning in the exact same manner.''

''Is that important for me to know?''

''Yes because we have a strict rule that the babes don't talk to each other. You mustn't leave your room the moment you enter and you can only leave when I'm here to escort you out. is that clear?''

''Sure, Nick.'' Louis pauses. ''But who's we?''

''Lewis, I'm not the only pimp in this establishment.'' Nick informs him. ''And we don't like sharing our babes, hence the whole no talking with each other rule.''

''Oh,'' Louis nods. He feels like he's having an out-of-body experience. Nick is so casual about it that it feels surreal. ''Okay, I understand.''

‘’Good. Now, you have to undress,’’ Nick says. ‘’When the clients come in here, you have to be naked already. Saves them time if they’re one of those by the hour clients.’’

‘’Do I undress now?’’ Louis asks when Nick just looks at him.

‘’Yeah, I need to check the goods.’’

Louis swallows and proceeds to take his clothes off, one by one. Nick doesn’t say anything but he does place Louis’ clothes in a drawer next to the bathroom, including his shoes, phone and wallet.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Louis asks when Nick takes out a pair of gloves from his pockets.

‘’I’ll just check you out, that’s all.’’ Nick says. ‘’You a virgin?’’

Fuck

‘’No, you know I’m not.’’ Louis grits. ''It's just been a while.''

He hasn't slept with anyone since he'd turned seventeen. He slept with a girl back when he was 16, a girl that Nick had hooked him up with. He’d also slept with a boy shortly after, a very beautiful boy, who had probably stirred up his sexual awakening and made him realize that what he had with Harry is something he wants and won’t ever find in a girl, or anyone else really because neither that boy nor the girl compare to what he had with Harry.

‘’Okay, so you have nothing to worry about.’’ Nick says and gets behind him. He touches Louis everywhere, checks his ears, the inside of his mouth, his eyes. He touches Louis’ dick and squeezes his balls and then tells him to get on his hands and knees on the bed and checks out his rim.

‘’Alright, that’s it.’’ Nick says and throws the glove in the bin behind the door. ‘’No need for a shower even, you smell good.’’

Louis feels like he was checked perfunctorily, like maybe he did it just for the sake of getting to tell the clients that he’s clean.

‘’What do I do now?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Just lie down and wait for a client to come in.’’ Nick answers before his face turns serious. ‘’Remember just one thing, Lou.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’You do what the clients ask you to do, no questions asked.’’ Nick says. ‘’You’re here for them, not for you and bear in mind that they’ve already paid long before they even see you so you can’t back out.’’

‘’Do you get a cut from all this?’’

‘’Yeah but don’t worry about it, you get the bigger share, always. My boss makes sure of it.’’ Nick promises.

''Who's your boss?''

''A man called Ben Winston.'' Nick replies. ''He owns the night club and this arrangement. You'll meet him after you pass tonight.''

''Oh, okay.'' If this were an interview, it's the weirdest interview he's ever been in. For one, he's naked and two, he's about to get fucked by nameless strangers.

''Now smile,'' Nick says and Louis looks up and sees him holding his phone.

''Dude, I'm naked!'' Louis hisses.

''Exactly, how else will the clients take their pick?'' Nick says before he takes several photos. Louis does not think he's smiling in any of them, too rigid to even cover himself up properly where he's sitting on the bed.

''Are they any good?''

''Doesn't matter; you still look hot.'' Nick says, eyes on the screen before he tucks his phone in his pocket. ''Anyways, when you're done every night, I will give you your share. You don't have to wait till the end of the month like some office job.’’

‘’How long will I be in here?’’

‘’Your shift should start by 10 and end by 3 am.’’ Nick says. ‘’That okay with you?’’

Louis will just have to walk from the night club to the bakery and sleep the afternoon away before going to the toy shop. He can make it work.

‘’Yeah but I can’t do weekends.’’ Louis says.

‘’Too bad, there’s more money then,’’ Nick snorts. ‘’Let me know when you want to though; I have a feeling you’ll be on high demand.’’

‘’Why’s that?’’

‘’Fresh meat always are,’’ Nick says easily. ‘’Besides, you’re young, good-looking, small. Do you have any idea how many male clients I have who want to fuck a twink?’’

‘’I get it, Nick.’’ Louis says warily.

‘’Alright then, see you later.’’ Nick says before he opens the door. ‘’Lou?’’

‘’Yes?’’

‘’There’s no backing away from this.’’ Nick says seriously. ‘’I won’t have you embarrass me in front of my clients, okay? Friend or not.’’

Louis thinks back to their short time in foster care together, back when he was fourteen years old and had just lost his entire family. Nick was the first boy to ever come on to him until he realized that Louis was way too young for him and yet, still cupped a feel of his arse before he pulled away. He thinks back to when they met again a year and a half later in the skate park. Nick was drunk off his arse in broad day light but he was funny and he made Louis and the boys laugh with his quirkiness and dry humor. Nick never made enemies but he also never made friends, never got close to anyone but he also knew everyone, never forgets a face, like he always had to make sure he maintained the upper hand. Looking at him now, Louis wouldn’t want to have Nick as an enemy; he knows what it will cost him.

‘’I need this, Nick.’’ Louis tells him honestly. ‘’Whether I like it or not, doesn’t matter.’’

‘’That’s the spirit.’’ Nick grins before he closes the door and leaves him be.


	6. 6

_White lips, pale face_   
_Breathing in snowflakes_   
_Burnt lungs, sour taste_   
_Light's gone, day's end_   
_Struggling to pay rent_   
_Long nights, strange men_

-Ed Sheeran, the A team

He thought he’d feel better after Nick leaves, less stifled but in truth, he feels like suffocating on thoughts of what’s about to happen.

It was easier with Nick here, easier when the situation was explained in mere words. Nick was so casual about the whole thing, almost like it wasn’t a big deal at some point.

But now, gone is the company, gone are the blanket of words that could distract him a little bit from the noises he can hear outside his door. On impulse, he goes to open it, just to breathe a little and finds that the door is locked.

He shouldn’t have been surprised.

He sits back on the bed in a heap and is shocked at his nakedness. He doesn’t know what Nick saw in him, doesn’t know how his scrawny form, pudgy stomach, heavy-looking thighs and wire-thin arms could look appealing to anyone. He feels like a patchy blanket, with mismatched squares sewn together.

He hears footsteps outside and feels like he ought to prepare himself but for what, he doesn’t know. He probably looks like a deer caught in the headlights when the door opens and a man, just as tall as Nick, enters the room.

‘’Oh,’’ the man says. He’s got long honey-brown hair, rocker style, like waterfalls over his shoulders. His cheeks are gaunt and his eyes look too big for his face. He’s got a long jacket on, boots, slacks and an altogether work ensemble.

His smile is just as unappealing as his crumpled attire.

‘’Nick was right; you are ripe.’’ The man says before he turns around. ‘’I’m good here.’’

Louis didn’t know that Nick was outside.

‘’There’s a guard outside every door.’’ The man explains. ‘’Just to make sure you don’t go anywhere until I’m done or to make sure I stick by the hour I asked for, whatever. Anyways, I’m Jonah.’’

‘’Hi Jonah,’’ Louis says, surprised at the squeak in his voice.

‘’Why do you look so frightened?’’ Jonah coos, amused. He casually starts undressing and Louis instinctively looks away. ‘’Hey, look at me.’’

Louis remembers Nick’s words, detects a hint of ‘no bullshit’ in the tone of the man’s voice so he looks up.

‘’Obedient; I like that.’’ Jonah says and stands in front of Louis in all his naked glory.

‘’What did you pay for?’’ Louis finds himself asking, keeping his eyes on the man’s face. He doesn’t look like the type to work out and he smells like ink for some reason.

‘’Blunt, aren’t you?’’

‘’I can’t ask?’’ Louis doesn’t finish saying when he flinches, the man reaching for his face and cupping it.

‘’You can but I’m not interested in talking.’’ Jonah says. ‘’Get on the bed, hands and knees.’’

Louis swallows and only moves when Jonah lets go of his face. He’s glad that Jonah is too busy rifling through the contents of the bed-side table drawer because he’s shaking and he can barely hold himself up.

‘’You’re so clumsy, it’s adorable.’’ Jonah says and Louis keeps his face down, somehow ashamed. ‘”Say thank you, daddy.’’

Oh hell no. ‘’What?’’

‘’I pay for you to do as I say so do it.’’ Jonah says, a hint of impatience in his tone.

‘’Thank you….’’

‘’Finish it.’’

Louis shuts his eyes. It’s nothing, Louis thinks. It doesn’t have to mean anything.

‘’Thank you, daddy.’’

‘’For what, sweetheart?’’

Louis feels like throwing up.

‘’For calling me adorable?’’ Louis asks before his stomach roils badly. ‘’I’m sorry, can I use the bathroom?’’

‘’Nope,’’ Jonah grabs his wrist and handcuffs it. ‘’No time for that.’’

‘’Hey!’’

The man handcuffs his left hand to the wooden block on the far side of the headboard.

‘’Sweetheart, it’s alright.’’ the man says when he instinctively pulls.

‘’Like hell it is, I said what did you pay for?’’ Louis struggles but the man pulls him up by the hair and slaps him. Hard.

‘’You don’t talk to me like that, slut. I paid for you for the next one hour and for that one hour, I own you. You hear me?’’

Louis wants to leave. This was a big mistake. The man must’ve been wearing a ring because his jaw feels sore. When he looks up, the man is nowhere to be found and then he feels his right hand getting grabbed. He looks the other way and notices the wedding ring while his other hand is getting cuffed.

‘’I said, you hear me?’’

‘’Yes,’’ Louis says, even though he didn’t hear a thing; trying his best not to freak out. Just breathe, he thinks. Just breathe.

‘’There we go, lie down, in and out.’’ Louis feels like his skin is crawling, the way the man gets on top of him and rubs his back up and down. ‘’You’re so pretty, babe. Prettiest boy I’ve ever seen.’’

‘’Thank you,’’ Louis says, trying not to anger the man, trying not to shiver at the feel of the metal on his back. He’s not taking off the ring and Louis doesn’t know why he thought the man would be ashamed and take it off, like he sees in the movies sometimes.

‘’Thank you what?’’

That roiling feeling comes back again. ‘’Thank you, daddy.’’

‘’You catch up quick, I like that.’’

Louis feels the man put his dick between the cleft of his arse cheeks and it’s bare and just…no….

‘’Shh, shh, calm down, it’s alright…’’ Jonah says, both hands on his back now.

‘’Please use a rubber, please, please…’’

‘’This is getting annoying.’’

Louis feels like he’s about to die with how hard he’s breathing and then the man pulls at his hair and puts something in his mouth. Louis tries to push out the ball with his tongue but the man is quick, buckling up the strap behind his head, like he’s done this before.

‘’I’m married, you stupid piece of filth. I won’t ever stick my dick in you. Who knows what diseases you carry?’’ the man mutters. Louis doesn’t stop freaking out though because he can feel the man rubbing his dick between his arse cheeks, slowly getting hard.

‘’There now, that’s better. You sound really sweet like that.’’

Louis doesn’t know what’s sweet about him gasping and about to pass out. Jonah doesn’t seem to mind at all and starts rubbing harder against him, grabbing his arse, alternating between squeezing and just pushing each cheek tighter against his hard dick.

‘’Stop struggling.’’ Jonah slaps his head and Louis feels an instant bloom of pain from the metal of his ring colliding with his skull. He goes still but his breathing gets harder. ‘’You have an arse to die for, babe. Let me enjoy it.’’

He does enjoy it; coming across his back and painting him with his cum. He even goes as far as using his back as canvas for some sort of finger-painting, using his cum as water colours. Louis feels like blacking out.

‘’5 more minutes.’’ A knock on the door accompanied by a gruff voice says.

‘’Oh well, that was fun.’’ Jonah says. He leaves Louis on the bed as he dresses up and only then does he remove the hand cuffs and the ball gag.

Louis doesn’t move.

‘’See you later, babe.’’ Jonah says before his hand tightens on the back of his neck. ‘’What do you say, sweet boy?’’

‘’Thank you, daddy.’’ Louis says automatically.

‘’Lovely,’’ Jonah says, kissing his temple. ‘’Absolutely lovely.’’

……………………………………………………………………………………….

The guard outside, a bald-headed muscle man, orders him to go clean up quickly before he escorts Jonah out and locks the door.

Louis does as he’s told, bypasses the mirror because he doesn’t want to check on the swelling on his jaw. He rubs at the egg in his head, massaging it into submission while he turns on the water. He takes a quick shower, a warm one too and it’s a small relief. He doesn’t get a lot of hot showers back in their apartment and he turns up the heat to scalding.

He looks down at his wrists and sees that they are a bit inflamed. He has to be more careful, he thinks or else the boys will notice. He’s lucky its winter and he can hide them but he needs to be more careful. It won’t do to have sprained wrists or blood all over the sheets.

‘’Hi,’’

Louis startles so badly, he slips and falls on his arse in the shower. The man looking in just laughs.

Nick…

‘’How was it?’’ he asks, turning off the water and drawing the curtains open.

‘’Fine,’’ Louis answers. ‘’Couldn’t go easy on me for the first time?’’

‘’You just made the easiest 300 pounds anyone your age could make.’’ Nick snorts, flaunting the money in front of his face. ‘’Actually 250 since I get 50 for me and you’re complaining?’’

Louis reminds himself of Niall, of the money they need, of the physical therapy that comes after. If Niall will ever get the chance to walk again, to go to uni, Louis needs to do this.

‘’No, of course not.’’ He says quickly, eyeing the money that Nick stuffs in his pocket. ‘’Thank you, Nick.’’

‘’You’re welcome,’’ Nick says grandly, offering his hand and pulling Louis up. ‘’You look like a wet rat. Dry yourself.’’

He catches the towel Nick throws at his face and tries not to shy away as Nick stands there against the sink, observing him.

‘’What?’’

‘’You up for more?’’ Nick asks.

Louis wants to go home.

‘’Sure,’’ he says, remembering the money Nick showed him.

‘’Alright, let’s put those lips to good use.’’ Nick says with a grin.

‘’Nick, wait.’’ Louis calls.

‘’What?’’

‘’They all…they all use rubber, right?’’ Louis stutters out. ‘’If they want to…’’

‘’Of course they do,’’ Nick says, looking insulted. ‘’Unlike you and me, they’re well off sure but they can’t afford STD’s.’’

‘’Oh okay,’’ Louis wonders if Nick knows how much that relieves him.

‘’I gotta go now.’’ Nick says as he knocks on the door and the beefy guy opens it. ‘’Have you met Paul?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis says and doesn’t elaborate. It’s not exactly a friendly setting for a chit chat with his jailer.

‘’Good, that’s good.’’ Nick says before he waves. ‘’See you later, babe.’’

Louis merely sighs. He wishes he could take another shower.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

If he thought Jonah was bad, the rest are worse but then again, he should’ve expected it, should’ve expected the rough, messy blow jobs and the cumming on his face and hair without even asking, should’ve expected to be cuffed again and have some rich college dude play with his dick and making him cum not once but twice, saying he’ll just pay extra and won’t leave unless he can make Louis come again and then have the dude shove a ring gag in his mouth so that he can force his dick in and come down his throat.

Another client wants something similar, wants to hear him moan and come, doesn’t want to hear words out of his mouth but he can’t get it up anymore so the woman this time, shoves a vibrator in his arse without any prep and watches him scream around the ring gag as he comes for the third time that night, wrists ending up bleeding from how hard he pulls at them.

He ends his night with another blow job and rakes a good 2100 pounds from Nick when he comes to collect him at the end of the night.

‘’You need a ride?’’ Nick asks as he watches Louis dress up.

‘’Sure,’’ Louis says, voice rough. Nick notices his bloody wrists and takes out bandages from the chest, helps wrap them around his wrists. For a minute there, Louis thought he actually cared.

‘’You sound hot.’’ Nick says and well, Louis should have known; Nick only cares about the money. It just so happens that he found a boy who needed it too desperately and Nick is not ashamed to complement his find in the only way he knows how. ‘’Knew you could do wonders with your lips.’’

‘’I’m tired, Nick.’’ Louis sighs. It's 3 am and he's just had what felt like marathon sex in the room and not the good kind. Nick just coos at him as he pulls him out the door, arm around his shoulder.

‘’Here, don’t wallow. Go celebrate with this later, yeah?’’

Nick gives him a bundled up wad of money and Louis counts it in Nick’s car. He can’t believe he just made more than one month’s rent in one night.

‘’Directions, Lewis.’’ Nick demands. Louis tells him the way until he’s parked in front of the bakery.

‘’Thanks, Nick.’’ Louis says. He’s so bloody tired, his eyes droopy and wrists smarting.

‘’You’re welcome.’’ Nick says. ‘’You coming tonight?’’

‘’Do I have a choice?’’

‘’You always do.’’ Nick tells him. ‘’But remember; we’re just like any other establishment; you give a two weeks’ notice before you resign. Got it?’’

Louis cannot help but laugh out loud until he’s coughing roughly into his elbow because honestly? Nick is full of shit.

‘’I’m not kidding!’’ Nick whines and Louis just laughs harder, he feels like he’s gonna choke. ‘’Get out of my car; you’re waking the neighbours!’’

‘’Sorry, sorry.’’ Louis says, laughter slowly dying out, leaving him tired to the bone. ‘’I heard you.’’

‘’You heard me?’’

‘’Got you, Nick.’’

‘’Good, now beat it and see you at 10 on the dot.’’ Nick says firmly. Louis throws a two-fingered salute his way before he stumbles out of the car.

In the silence of the bakery, everything rushes back to him; Jonah and the rough man handling, the rich college boy and his designer clothes, even the shy client in the end who just wanted to try a blow job and then gripped his hair so hard that Louis thought he was going to go bald. It hits him so fucking hard he ends up puking his guts out in the employees’ bathroom.

He misses his first hour of work, passed out on the floor.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

He’s glad he’s able to sneak in while the living room is empty. He can hear Niall and Zayn’s voice in Zayn and Liam’s room and he hurries to his own, grabs new clothes and runs to the bathroom.

He’d already taken a shower in his assigned room but he feels the urge to take another.

‘’Lou? Is that you?’’ Zayn calls.

‘’Yeah, I’ll be right out.’’ Louis says, voice breaking.

‘’You coming down with a cold or what?’’

‘’Dude, can I finish my shower?’’

‘’Okay, okay.’’

He finishes up quickly and when he comes out, Zayn is fixing a pillow under Niall’s leg in the living room.

‘’Louis!’’ Niall calls, making grabby motions at him and Louis’ heart melts. He leans down and hugs Niall, smells his boyish smell, sees his crooked-teeth smile, sees his baby blue eyes.

It’s all fucking worth it, he thinks if he gets to come home to this.

‘’I missed you. How was work?’’

‘’Work was fine.’’ Louis says, taking a seat on the edge of the sofa.

‘’What’s wrong with your jaw?’’ Niall asks, concern etched on his face as he cradles Louis’ face. ‘’Lou, it’s bruised. What happened?’’

‘’Slipped on the snow,’’ Louis lies. ‘’You know me.’’

‘’You have to be careful.’’ Niall chastises. ‘’You need an ice pack?’’

‘’No, I’m good. How’s the leg?’’

‘’All good, Zayn got me crutches!’’ Niall says, excitedly pointing at the coffee table where indeed a pair of crutches are. ‘’Aren’t they cool?’’

‘’Very cool.’’ Louis grabs them and notices the sharpie drawings on them. ‘’Zayn drew this?’’

‘’Yeah and I practiced with them today, walked all the way to his room and back.’’ Niall says proudly.

‘’That’s good, love.’’ Louis says quietly, admiring the stick-man figures on the crutches.

‘’Lou?’’

‘’Yeah, Niall?’’

‘’I miss mama.’’

Louis looks up and sees the sad look on Niall’s face. He’s been like that since the hospital, mood going up and down like a roller coaster, changing topics faster than Louis could keep up.

Zayn’s in the kitchen and Louis can tell he heard what Niall said from the brief eye contact they make before he continues with making lunch.

‘’We all do, love.’’

‘’Do you still have my watch?’’ Niall asks. ‘’The one she gave me?’’

Shit.

‘’No, Ni.’’ Louis says carefully. ‘’We had to sell it. I’m sorry.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Niall looks away, trying not to show that he’s shocked. ‘’Okay, it’s no big deal.’’

‘’I’m really sorry, we just needed the money and…’’

‘’It’s fine,’’ Niall smiles big before he shrugs weakly. ‘’It’s just a watch.’’

‘’You know, we’re planning on a surprise for you,’’ Louis tells him.

‘’Really? What kind of surprise?’’ Niall’s eyes light up.

‘’You’ll see, it will blow your mind.’’ Louis smiles at him. They’ve been thinking about organising a birthday party for Niall but Liam thought it would be best if they do it when they can afford a really good present and Louis thinks they definitely can now that he’s working for Nick.

The idea that he has to be locked in that room every night for the foreseeable future is easier to accept when he thinks of all the potential the money he will get from there can bring. He can put Niall through uni, hell, he can probably put Zayn through some form of art school. That boy is too talented to be working in some coffee shop, wasting away.

‘’You know, I ran away from the last foster care I was in because I wanted to find you.’’ Niall tells him. ‘’I knew it was a sign when they sent me to a house here in London. I knew you’d be here, just like you said you would because you always keep your promises, Lou. I knew it.’’

‘’But were they not good people? The family you were in with?’’

‘’Didn’t matter; you’re my family.’’ Niall says seriously.

‘’But if they were good people, you could’ve stayed with them and they could’ve helped you find us. Miss Sanders never stopped looking for you.’’

‘’No, you promised.’’ Niall shakes his head at him. ‘’I had to help you find me. You said you won’t give up on me. You swore it.’’

‘’And we didn’t, Ni.’’ Louis rushes to say, doesn’t want to work him up. He just thinks about Harry and how he found a better family than them, a family that can probably pay for his medical bills if he ever broke a leg, a family that can pay for school for him to study whatever he wanted. He hates the thought of Niall settling for them when he could’ve had better options, better choices.

‘’I know, Lou. I never stopped looking for you guys.’’

‘’Yeah?’’ he says as he puts the crutches back on the coffee table.

‘’Yeah, I just had to be patient, you know. And then I saw one of your flyers in the dumpsters,’’ Niall says, gripping Louis’ hand now. ‘’Forgot all about the half-eaten burger I found there, read that flyer over and over again, kept it with me too. I don’t know where it is now though.’’

‘’Not that important now that you’re here.’’ Zayn says, joining them. He drags a chair from the kitchen and he sits down behind the couch so that he’s close to Niall. ‘’Eat up, love.’’

‘’Yay,’’ Niall says when Zayn hands him the bowl of fried rice with cut up pieces of chicken nuggets in it. Hearing Niall say that word, the word that rubbed off on Harry too, makes tears spring in his eyes.

‘’Lou, you okay?’’ Niall asks, mouth full. Louis cannot help but cup the back of his head and kiss his forehead.

‘’I’m more than okay. Happy that you’re here.’’ Louis says, voice thick.

‘’You want a bite? Tastes good.’’ Niall says, offers him a spoonful of rice. He hasn’t changed much, always generous with everything, always mindful of other people’s feelings above his own.

‘’Just a bite.’’ Louis says and even though he has zero appetite, he lets Niall feed him and he chews happily under his watch. ‘’It’s good. Eat up, bro.’’

Niall does and he looks happy and warm, regaling them with stories from the streets, like it doesn’t break Louis’ heart when he excitedly tells them about a story of how he found 50 pounds in the street one day and bought himself some McDonald’s, how he slept in the homeless shelter and stole a sweater without anyone finding out, how he folded and refolded that flyer like a prayer book, his own little beacon of hope in a world full of despair.

Niall never gave up on them, chose the streets for them and as Louis begs off for a nap, he promises himself that he won’t ever give up on Niall in return.

He just wishes he never gave up on Harry. He would’ve loved some of his comforting cuddles as he falls asleep.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

Liam comes home from work right as Zayn flies by the door and he takes him to his old bedroom, glad that Niall’s napping on the couch. He shrugs off Liam's worries about the bruise on his jaw and pulls out the money Nick gave him from his pocket.

‘’Check out the tips from my new job,’’ Louis tells him.

‘’What new job?’’ Liam asks before he notices the money. ‘’Holy shit!’’

‘’Count them.’’ Louis says, giddy as he watches Liam’s lips move, eyes growing wider as he counts the bills.

‘’Holy fucking shit!’’ Liam crows and Louis shushes him quickly. ‘’Where did you get this?’’

‘’I got a new job.’’ Louis says.

‘’Wait, you left the toy store?’’

‘’No, I just found this new job at this fancy night club so the hours are quite late, from 10 pm to 3 am.’’

‘’As a stripper?’’

‘’No,’’ Louis laughs. He wishes he could be a stripper, wishes he didn't have to lie. ‘’Serving alcohol, man. The tips are insane.’’

‘’Wow, they sure are.’’ Liam says, looking at the money again. ‘’I can pay for Niall’s physical therapy if you keep raking up money like this.’’

‘’Won’t that be after he takes off the braces and the cast?’’

‘’Yeah, still 7 weeks from now.’’ Liam sighs. ‘’Have you seen the crutches?’’

‘’Yeah, pretty cool.’’

‘’They’re aluminium not wood and adjustable too. Zayn sold his type-writer for it.’’

‘’What?’’ Louis says, shocked.

‘’Yeah, said he didn’t want to write anymore, wants to draw and paint instead.’’ Liam shakes his head fondly. ‘’Don’t know what’s wrong with that kid.’’

‘’A Jack of all trade…’’

‘’But master of none…’’

They pause for a second before they laugh quietly. Leona used to always say that about Zayn whenever he changed his mind about what he wanted to be when he grows up.

‘’Miss her a lot.’’ Liam says quietly.

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’Thank the heavens for you, though…’’ Liam says, catching his eyes. ‘’You’re a life savour, Lou. We’d be dead in the streets without you, man.’’

‘’We’re family, right?’’

‘’Stronger than blood.’’ Liam hugs him fiercely and Louis didn’t even know he needed one until he feels Liam’s strong arms around him.

‘’You know, we can pay for the hospital bills with this.’’ Louis suggests. ‘’We don’t know what will happen a year from now, so best we just go for it and pay up.’’

‘’It’s your money, if you feel like it’s the right thing to do, I’m with you, bro.’’

Louis nods.

‘’Thanks, Li.’’

It’s easy for the words to come out, because he knows they’d do for him anything if the roles were reversed, if it was Louis who was sifting through garbage, looking at a flyer for hope.

It’s easy to believe that maybe things are meant to be this way because maybe he’s the one who can take it, the one who can do the dirty. He can’t ever imagine Liam or Zayn or Niall doing what he’s doing to make ends meet. It makes him sick, the thought of any of the boys in that room, pleasing those people.

They can’t win it all but they can at least have each other.

………………………………………………………………………………………

He spends the rest of the week blowing people, sometimes two at a time. He lets people come on his face, his nipples, his back, his arse, his thighs and even the back of his feet. He has a group of girls for clients who wanted nothing more than to watch telly and get drunk with him tied up, spread-eagled on the bed while he writhed and moaned, mouth-gagged, with a cock ring around his hard dick and a vibrator in his arse. They covered him with whipped cream and spills from their beers and laughed when he tried to beg them to take the edge off. They booked him for two hours while they watched some R-rated movie.

He pays the hospital the first down payment of the month and his nights spent in that hell hole are forgotten at the thought that he’s one month down and eleven months to go. It’s still worth it, he tells himself every time he sees Liam count the bills and pencil it into his financial notebook, all worth it when Liam tells him all the good the money can do for them.

They bring Niall to a dentist for his teeth and it’s a long road ahead and he’s gonna need braces too but Louis and the boys agree to pay for it, no second thoughts about it. Louis gets a lapful of Irish boy for it and he’s happy, so long as his boys are happy.

Zayn starts applying for art classes online while he whiles the days with Niall. He even borrows some books from the library and signs Niall up in a nearby local school to finish his A-levels. Louis knows there is no better tutor than Zayn and is happy when they tell him that Niall can finish school online so that he doesn’t have to put too much pressure on his leg or hinder his recovery.

They celebrate Niall’s belated birthday by throwing him a surprise party in Nandos the weekend before Christmas. They invite people as well; the old lady at the flower shop that Zayn works in comes with her grand-daughter. Liam and his buddies from the gas station come in as well as some of his colleagues from the restaurant. Louis’ boss at the toy store comes as well. Louis is happy to splurge for it.

Financially, Liam is paying for the electric and water bills, as well as the heating that he got fixed up. Zayn pays for all the food but Liam does the grocery shopping. It was up to Louis to pay for the rent and since he’s the one earning the most, he’s footing Niall’s medical bills. The boys share with their tips on anything extra, like clothes or shoes or phone bills. Louis knows that he’s not forced to carry any extra responsibility, sees it in the way the other two care so much with the little things, like with the purchase of Niall’s crutches. It’s all the more reason why he’s willing to do it no matter the price.

They take so many Polaroid photos and the wait staff sings Niall happy birthday as they get the cake out. Louis got a discount on a custom-made cake from the bakery, streaked with the flag of Ireland. It made Niall cackle with delight, leg cushioned on an extra chair and almost hitting the bottom of the table. Zayn had to move the chair away to make sure Niall’s leg doesn’t suffer.

‘’Okay present times.’’ Liam announces, ever the man who wants to keep everything on schedule. Everybody has already left, after an hour of chatting and another hour of blowing candles and eating cake. Besides, they get the feeling that it’s too soon for Niall to be around people, as he’s paranoid that any one of them could be the one that hit him with their car and left him for dead.

‘’Yay,’’ Niall says, clapping and bouncing on his seat.

‘’Okay, me first.’’ Louis says and pulls a small box from under his chair, messily wrapped in newspaper.

Niall decimates the wrapper and Zayn takes one photo after another.

‘’Louis, you didn’t!’’

‘’I sure did,’’ Louis laughs as Niall pulls out his new laptop from the box. ‘’You’re gonna be a uni kid soon, yeah? You’ll need it.’’

‘’Come here,’’ Niall pulls at his hand until Louis turns around the table and allows himself to get smothered in hugs. ‘’I can’t believe you!’’

‘’It’s just second-hand, but it works well.’’ Louis shrugs before he goes back to his seat.

‘’You can exchange with mine if you want.’’ Liam says. ‘’Mine’s brand new.’’

‘’No, Louis got this for me. It’s mine.’’ Niall pouts at Liam and gently puts the laptop back in the box, teeth biting his lower lip in concentration.

‘’Fine, fine.’’ Liam tuts, obviously amused. ‘’My turn.’’

‘’Where are you going?’’ Niall asks when Liam goes to the counter and asks the cashier to pull out a big irregular -shaped gift from behind her. From the shape of it, Louis can guess what it is.

‘’You didn’t…’’ Louis says, shocked.

‘’Worth all my tips, man.’’ Liam says and they watch as Niall gently places the laptop box on his lap before he tears through the wrapper loudly and stares in awe at the guitar case.

‘’Oh my god!’’ Niall says, hands roaming the case with reverence. ‘’Oh my god!’’

‘’Open it, bro.’’ Liam encourages.

Niall does open it and tears spill at the sight of the wood and the strings.

‘’Fuck, how did you hide that?’’ Louis asks. Even Zayn is shook.

‘’Bought it from my one of my mates at the petrol station; said he couldn’t afford it anymore if he’s gonna need to make rent. I asked to buy it from him and he brought it today.’’ Liam explains. ‘’I didn’t think he’d wrap it up for me. Nice of him, really.’’

‘’Ni, why are you crying?’’ Zayn asks, rubbing at Niall’s shoulder.

‘’It’s beautiful.’’ Niall says as he touches the guitar. ‘’I haven’t played in so long.’’

Niall used to tell them about his father’s guitar, how he started playing when he was nine years old, how he sometimes feels his fingers move of their own accord on invisible strings when he’s alone with his thoughts.

‘’You can play again now,’’ Liam says softly, pushing Zayn away so he can take the seat next to him. ‘’Happy?’’

Niall laughs at him. ‘’So happy.’’

‘’Well, I do not like to be upstaged.’’ Zayn announced grandly and pulls out a small package from his jacket. ‘’My turn.’’

Niall closes the guitar case and opens the package on it. His eyes bulge.

‘’Is this…’’

‘’I bought it back,’’ Zayn says softly. Christmas songs are playing in the background and Louis just sits up at the sight of the watch in Niall’s hands, the watch that Zayn sold for the money they used up to pay for Niall’s first set of medication. ‘’It deserves to be with you.’’

Niall puts it on right away.

‘’It’s like having a piece of mama with me.’’ Niall says quietly. Louis chokes up a bit at that, they all do so he claps loudly.

‘’Group photo!’’ he announces.

They ask one of the wait staff to take a photo of them using Zayn’s smart phone and then Liam's and Louis hands his too so that they can all have a photo each saved in their phones.

It’s obvious as they take extra slices of the birthday cake until it’s all gone that they wish Harry was there with them to complete the day.

If only they knew, that in a month’s time, they will be meeting Harry again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's about time that harry makes his grand re-appearance, yeah?


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, heed all the warnings please

_Lay your weary head to rest_   
_Don't you cry no more_

-Kansas, Carry on my Wayward Son

It's fucking cold.

That's the first thing that comes to Louis' mind as he trudges out of the bakery. He's cold, he's sore and he wishes he had boots to stave off the cold biting his toes. He can feel his nose running as he sniffs, covers it with glove-covered hands, afraid his nose might actually fall off.

It’s mid-January now and Niall starts his physical therapy beginning of February, along with his online classes. He'll be studying all the way till the summer and hopefully, if his grades are really good, he'll be getting a scholarship and going to uni in the fall. Louis knows that with Zayn's guidance, he's going to ace it.

Liam had partially given up on his laptop since Zayn was also spending most of his free time working on his online art classes. Their dining room, which was just a small empty space in their apartment, has practically been turned into Zayn's artistic zone. Sometimes, Louis would come home and see an easel by the balcony window, fumes of paint sifting through the air and newspapers on the floor of the dining room with pain splatters on it. The art equipment and materials are not cheap and Zayn doesn’t ask for anything, pays what he can for his water colours and brushes but Liam, like an overly concerned papa, begs him to be supportive, anything that will make sure that Zayn doesn't go back to dealing again and naturally, Louis gives in, so long as the money doesn't hinder Niall's medical bills. Liam says he'll take care of that and Louis is glad for Liam's budgeting expertise because Louis really doesn’t want to work weekends at Nick's.

He sniffs again, worries that he might be coming down with something before at long last, the sight of his apartment building appears before him so he hurries the last few steps. He opens the door of the apartment with shaky hands and almost trips over Zayn's boots in the door way.

''For god's sake,'' Louis mutters before he kicks the shoes away, kicks his own off and then rushes to the room he's sharing with Niall. They didn't buy a proper bed yet but they did buy two mattresses which they've placed on the floor with loads of blankets. For now, it will do since its still better than their lumpy couch. Niall doesn’t mind them sharing the bed but Louis had one time kicked his bum leg in his sleep so he never did it again.

''Hey, Lou!'' Niall says, opening his arms for a hug. He's on the bed, laptop propped on his lap and books open on the blanket, ''I got your clothes ready,''

''I think I'm coming down with something, Ni,'' Louis says and just ruffles his hair. ''Don't pout at me, you know I love your hugs but I don't want you getting sick.''

Niall had decided to make himself useful as soon as he was able, not liking the fact that everyone was coddling him and supporting him financially. The boys don't mind but Niall won't have it. He does his best to clean around the house, does the laundry, the dishes and the sweeping but more than that, he takes care of them in his own way.

Louis had gotten used to coming home and finding a fresh set of clothes ready, since Niall had figured out his love for showers right after he comes home. He does most of the cooking when he can, even though the boys don't like him standing around in the kitchen or standing around at all. To Louis, it's the little things that make his heart melt, like the fact that Niall loves to give free hugs whenever he or any of the boys come home.

''You want soup?'' Niall asks and then he's already getting up. ''I'll go make soup.''

''No, it's alright. I saw Zayn in the kitchen...''

''I'll go tell him to make you soup.'' Niall says stubbornly before he grabs his crutches and hurries out of the room. Louis follows him half-way just to make sure he doesn’t trip in his haste.

He sighs before he goes back to his room, grabs the fresh clothes and locks himself in the bathroom.

He gave the usual blow jobs the night before but there were a couple of clients that were a little bit weird and rougher than usual (They’re all rough). He'd realized that the room was more equipped than he thought and he just hadn't noticed, too scared of what the clients would want to do to him to really look around.

If he had looked around, he would have noticed the hook attached to the wall.

After a client, a big burly man by the name of Jim, had handcuffed him, he literally hauled Louis up by the waist and asked Louis to lift his arms and get the chain of the handcuffs over the hook. When Louis did so, the man let him go without any warning and Louis found himself barely holding himself up by the tip of his toes...

Next, his mouth was held open by a ring gag and at first, Jim only touched him, admiringly even and then he started dipping his fingers inside his open mouth, using his saliva to wet his dick. Louis was startled (not all clients are interested in getting him hard, let alone allowing him to cum). After he'd gotten Louis hard, Jim pulled bundles of rope out of the chest and tied his thighs together, right under his balls and arse, tied his knees together too and then his ankles.

He then got behind Louis and stuffed his dick in the tight space between his thighs, right under his balls and started fucking into him.

''Can you see that?'' he whispered into Louis’ ear. ''Look down, can you see my dick?''

Louis looked down and indeed saw Jim's long and hard dick thrusting in and out from under his balls. The man kept stuffing his fingers into Louis' mouth to wet the area, to make the glide easier, keeping his other arm around Louis' midriff.

All the while, the man's thrusting was making Louis unbalanced, making the strain on his wrists painful, until finally the man came between his thighs.

Louis thought it was over, until the man stood in front of him and stated playing with his nipples again but rougher than before, almost pinching them.

''I want you to come,'' Jim said, a head taller than Louis even while hooked to the wall. ''I want you to come untouched, babe. I wanna watch you.''

It was hard and the man kept using Louis' saliva to wet his chest, his nipples. It was hard for Louis to focus on his release when his wrists were killing him but after a maddening amount of touches and the man kissing his neck, he came across the man's stomach. The man then fed him his own cum and then gathered the drying cum between his thighs before stuffing his filthy fingers in his mouth…

The second client was also peculiar.

An old man, maybe in his fifties, booked him for two hours, just to make him drink five bottles of water and then he tied him up on the bed, spread-eagled. Much to Louis' horror, the man then put a diaper on him and started pressing on his lower stomach. Louis immediately knew what the man wanted but he still struggled, horrified.

When the man got annoyed, he pulled another bottle from his bag and wanted Louis to drink it. Louis tried to refused, called for Paul and then the man punched his stomach, one, two, three times and no matter how loud he screamed, he pissed into the diaper.

While he tried to collect his breath, he opened his eyes in shock when he felt a stream of something wet splatter across his face. The man had his pants down and had his dick out, squeezing it as he came all over his face…

After that, finally, his night ended.

But it was awful (they're all awful).

He showered back in the room, he always does and he's glad the bruises are easy to hide but being naked at such an hour and going out in the cold with his hair dripping wet was starting to bite him in the arse.

Even with the shower he's taking now, he feels light-headed as he steps out of the stall, stomach in pain from the punches. He doesn't feel like anything is broken but he can still feel the imprints of the punches on his lower abdomen. He dresses up slowly in the warm, fuzzy clothes Niall prepared for him, notices they're the sweaters Niall got from Leona.

He makes sure to towel-dry his hair as best as possible before he steps out of the bathroom and then keeps the towel on his shoulders.

''Come here, Lou!'' Niall calls. He must have heard the click of the lock. Louis goes to the kitchen and sits gingerly on the counter separating the kitchen from the living room.

''I made you tea.'' Niall says, carrying the mug to him.

''Thanks, love.'' Louis says and is grateful for the warmth. There's nothing like a warm cuppa to ease his throat after a night of blowing people and swallowing cum.

''You okay?'' Zayn asks. He's chopping tomatoes on the other counter, back to Louis. ''You sound funny.''

''I think I'm coming down with something.'' Louis says, takes another gulp of tea. ''This is so good, Niall.''

''I told Zayn to make you some tomato soup.'' Niall says, standing next to Louis with his crutches, looking at him with concern. ''You need some medicine?''

''Nah, this is good.'' Louis says, sniffs a little bit. ''What's for lunch?''

''Zayn's making curry,'' Niall says with delight.

They talk for a bit until Louis feels drowsy and begs off for a nap like he always does. No one asks him about it since they know he works long hours.

Louis is out cold the moment his head hits the pillow. He doesn’t dream about Harry anymore, too exhausted and too heart-heavy to manage a thought for him.

...................................................................................................................................

Half-way through his job at the toy store, he knows he's definitely sick. He keeps coughing dreadfully, and not just a silly cough but more like one of those dreadful, wet coughs that feels like he's about to hack his lungs out. Good thing it's a slow night because the couple of customers that enter are not pleased by him spreading his germs, even though he'd gotten the hand gel out of the employees' bathroom and makes sure to clean his hands before he hands back their change, coughing into the bent of his elbow.

He's proper shivering by the time he's undressing that night.

He texts Nick to go easy on him, says he's not feeling good. Maybe he should've explained more because Nick doesn’t reply.

Just his luck, Jonah comes back.

''Hi sweetheart,'' he says. Louis is not in the mood. He feels cold.

''Hi,'' he says. He's already given a couple of dreadful blow jobs and he's pretty sure his voice is ruined and that Nick won't be pleased because he kept coughing and trying to breathe between one suck and another, delaying the client's time.

''Forgotten your manners already?'' Jonah asks, undressing and tone definitely taking on a familiar edge.

''Sorry daddy,'' Louis says. His head is pounding. It’s not easy remembering his clients’ kinks, especially the repeaters but something about Jonah makes it hard to forget his kind of fetish and Louis attributes it to the fact that Jonah was his first ever client and therefore, probably scarred him for life.

''Good boy.''

Jonah sits against the headboard and pulls Louis on top of him so that he's straddling his lap.

''Here, let's get you more comfy,'' Jonah says and cuffs Louis’ hands to the front before draping his arms around his shoulders. ''That's better. Now, I got something for you.''

''What?'' Louis asks, the smell of ink invading his nostrils. The man must work in a publishing office or something, Louis thinks.

Jonah took off everything except his boxer shorts and socks and now he pulls a pair of panties from the pockets of his discarded trousers.

''You like it?'' Jonah asks. ''I bought it with you in mind.''

''Thanks daddy,'' Louis says automatically but he wants to gag.

''Here, stand up, let me help you put it on.''

Louis stands on the bed and uses the wall for balance as he puts one leg after the other through the leg gaps of the lace panties. They’re bright red and really tight, barely fitting all his cock in. Jonah pulls him back on his lap and immediately starts touching him.

''Beautiful slut,’’ He croons. ‘’Can barely stuff all your cock in.’’

Louis wants to cough in his face.

‘’C’mon, rock on me.'' Jonah croons. ''Show how grateful you are to daddy.''

Louis understands the message. He tarts grinding against the man while Jonah plays with his dick. The position helps him rest his head on Jonah's shoulder and he takes the chance under the guise of intimacy to rest his eyes and his head, letting his body move to get to this man's completion.

''Oh, you're adorable. You missed daddy?'' Jonah asks, moving his hands to Louis’ arse and pressing his panty-covered arse harder against his dick.

''I asked you a question.'' Jonah says before he slaps his arse. Louis startles and coughs into the man's shoulder. He can't believe he almost fell asleep on the man and starts rocking faster to compensate.

''I'm sorry, daddy.''

''Are you sick?''

''No daddy,''

''I don't believe you.'' Jonah says, annoyed. ''Get up.''

Louis lets Jonah manoeuvre him until his back is against Jonah's chest. The man grips his hips and moves Louis back and forth against his dick, makes sure that Louis' face is tilted down and away from him.

''There we go. What a view.'' Jonah says before he pulls Louis to him and starts playing with his dick again.

They come almost at the same time and once the high is over, Jonah shoves him off and starts dressing up. It makes Louis cough against the blankets.

''What a fucking disease.'' Jonah mutters before he leaves the room, leaving Louis cuffed.

.................................................................................................................................

As the night progresses, Louis feels worse and worse. It comes to the point where he's glad that the next client just wants to slap his arse and not ask for a blowie.

That's where he finds himself now, draped across a man's lap, dick trapped in a cock ring and still wearing those damn panties that are now pulled down his thighs. His hands are still cuffed to the front and he buries his head in his folded arms, while the man with the many rings on his beefy hand slaps the living shit out of his arse, ordering him to count.

Louis begs to come, just like the man orders him to and when he coughs roughly, the man just slaps harder, says he's turned on by Louis' wrecked throat, even though Louis can't breathe from the pressure in his chest.

After close to 50 slaps, the man turns him around and takes the cock ring off before he swallows Louis down and Louis comes with a rough shout as he comes in the man's throat.

His last client sees his red arse and the red panties and is very fascinated. He simulates something similar to Louis' first experience with Jonah, only this time, there's a vibrator in Louis' arse and Louis is wearing those damn panties again while the man comes across his back.

Louis just wants the cuffs off, wants the panties ripped apart and in the end, asks Paul to do it when the time on the clock says his shift is over.

He's not happy when Nick says he can't drive him to work, which he hasn't been able to do since that first time and Louis wishes he wasn't above begging. Nick doesn't yield though, says he wants to go home so Louis has no choice but to walk in the snow again. He just doesn’t feel well at all and walking in the streets at 3 am on the way to the bakery is not helping.

The hot shower he took before he left helped a little bit and he's glad he brought a beanie this time, courtesy of Niall.

The warmth of the bakery is a haven and for a while there, he feels a bit better. But by the end of his shift though, he's shivering uncontrollably and he's clocking out in a daze. He needs to go home.

He takes the bus, unable to walk and arrives faster than he usually does. He waves away Niall's greetings and just grabs the clothes he offers quickly before he's rushing to the bathroom and throwing up.

...................................................................................................................................

By the time he emerges, he feels like a zombie.

''Lou? Here, drink up.'' Zayn says. He's still standing up by the doorway of the bathroom when Zayn gives him the mug, makes sure he's holding it. ''You don't look well.''

''Lou, you look sick,'' Niall whines standing by the door of the kitchen.

''I feel sick,'' Louis says before he pushes at Zayn's chest. ''Stay away, man.''

''You need to sit down.'' Zayn says, trying to guide him to the couch when the door rings. ''Fuck, is it rent already?''

''No way,'' Louis sighs, closes his eyes and rests his head against the wall. He doesn’t know if he can take a step without the risk of toppling over.

''Hi, I'm Billie, I'm a...''

‘’Louis!!!’’

He topples over and the world turns black.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Lou? Lou, can you hear me?’’

Louis has a pounding headache but he can hear just fine. Niall ought to stop shouting in his face.

‘’I think he’s waking up.’’

He feels like there’s a lead weight on his chest and then he startles himself awake when he coughs rather violently.

‘’I’ll call the nurse.’’

Louis’s chest is heaving when he finally opens his eyes. The first thing he sees is a pair of baby blue eyes.

‘’Ni, don’t stand too close, he’s infectious.’’

‘’He’s got that mask on, Zayn.’’ Niall snaps before he pushes his face closer. ‘’Lou? Can you see me?’

‘’Hey Niall.’’ Louis says and then winces at the pain in his chest, closes his eyes as he tries to take a deep breathe. Suddenly, the bed moves up.

‘’Wh…’’

‘’You’re in a hospital, Mr. Tomlinson. Rise and shine.’’

Louis looks to the side and sees a nurse who is somehow elevating the upper part of the bed so that he’s held up in a sitting position. Niall on the other side starts fixing his pillow but Zayn pushes him away gently and does it himself.

‘’What happened?’’

Liam takes the place of the nurse and sighs. The nurse tuts at him and leaves, saying something about getting the doctor.

‘’Bronchitis, Lou.’’

‘’What the fuck is that?’’

‘’You apparently have it.’’ Zayn explains. ‘’Like a really bad case of the flu, highly infectious.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Louis looks down and sees an IV attached.

‘’You need a lot of fluids,’’ Liam says sternly. ‘’And a lot of bed rest. I called your part-time job and you’ve got the week off.’’

‘’Why the fuck are you mad at me?’’ Louis asks, noticing the angry features on Liam’s face but then he dissolves into a cough that makes his chest feel like it’s on fire. He's glad he has that plastic mask attached to his face, covering his nose and mouth.

He notices his surroundings for the first time and it’s similar to the ward that Niall was in. There are other beds around with other patients, some curtained-off, some not and lots of heart monitors beeping that are making his head pound.

‘’Can you explain these, please?’’ Liam asks with barely contained patience, pointing at the red marks on his wrists.

Oh fuck

‘’The night club, man.’’ Louis lies. ‘’Handsy, drunk people.’’

‘’What? They can’t do that.’’ Zayn says.

‘’They’re drunk and I do pull away from them anyways so it’s not a big deal.’’ Louis says, trying to cover his wrists with his palms.

‘’These don’t look like marks made from hands, Lewis.’’ Liam says, as shrewd as ever.

‘’Look, it’s not like I can punch a girl and tell her your nails are like fucking talons!’’ Louis snaps. He’d wanted to do that to one client who kept scratching the back of his head and digging her claw-like nails in while he ate her pussy so it’s not really a lie. ‘’Back off already!’’

‘’Yeah, Li, please. He’s not feeling well.’’ Niall pleads and fuck, his chin is shaking.

‘’Ni, don’t cry.’’ Louis says, throat on fire as he coughs. ‘’I’ll be fine, bro.’’

‘’You freaked me out, Lou.’’ Niall says, wiping his stray tears away. ‘’You passed out on the living room floor and we had to call an ambulance. You started turning blue at one point and you kept making these wheezing sounds. I was really scared, Lou. You even made that telemarketer run for the stairs.’’

''Who?''

''A guy called Billie. He was selling...''

‘’Listen, I’m more concerned that these could turn into an infection and your immune system is already weak enough.’’ Liam interrupts loudly, pointing at the wrist marks.

‘’Look, it’s been going on for a while, ever since I started work there and I haven’t been treating them, I know that was stupid of me.’’ Louis sighs. ‘’But, they tip really well so I didn’t make a big deal out of it.’’

‘’Well, we’ve got bandages at home and some rubbing alcohol.’’ Liam sighs. ‘’Fuck, Lou. Don’t scare me like that.’’

‘’Can I go home?’’ Louis asks. ‘’I can’t really stay here. We can't afford it.’’

‘’Yeah, but you’ll be on bed arrest. I don’t care.’’ Liam warns sternly. ‘’Call the night club and the bakery and ask for a week off, I think you’ve earned it.’’

Oh fuck, he hopes Nick will approve or else he’s gonna have to find a way to sneak out.

‘’Yes, Lima.’’ Louis snorts before it dissolves into another cough.

‘’I’m sorry my tomato soup idea didn’t work.’’ Niall says, actually pouting.

‘’Or my curry,’’ Zayn says, although there’s fondness in his eyes, directed at Niall.

‘’It’s fine, it’s fine.’’ Louis tries not to laugh. He can’t really afford to hack up a lung laughing.

In a way, he’s actually looking forward to a week off, like a luxury he couldn’t afford. He can worry about work when he feels better.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Nick is understanding but asks him to make up for the seven days out of commission with weekend hours to compensate. Louis has no choice but to agree.

The bakery is understanding too but they tell him that it will be unpaid leave. He also has no choice but to comply or risk losing the job.

His boss at the toy shop was the most understanding and even sent a fruit basket with a ‘’feel better soon’’ card. It’s sweet but the bananas only remind him of Harry and it’s so startling after so long of not thinking of him that he even asks Zayn if he can whip up a banana cake.

‘’Dude, you’re the baker here.’’ Zayn says. They’ve ordered a cab to take them home and now, Louis is in bed, with an oxygen tank and a mask covering his nose and mouth. He’s going to ask Liam later how much he splurged on him for the medication and the equipment. He hopes they have enough to pay this month’s installment for Niall’s surgeries. They can’t afford to get behind.

And he sure as hell cannot afford to get sick again.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis says. ‘’Maybe I can…’’

‘’You are not leaving this bed.’’ Liam interrupts severely. ‘’I’m putting Niall and Zayn on watch while I’m not around and if you so much as get up for anything but the bathroom, I will end you.’’

‘’Wait, why am I on Niall’s bed?’’ Louis asks, ignoring the threat.

‘’We need to wash your blankets.’’ Zayn says. ‘’And your pillows. Niall and Liam will switch beds for now so that Niall’s leg doesn’t suffer and Liam can make sure you don’t sneak out to the night club.’’

‘’I wasn’t going to sneak out!’’ Louis argues. ‘’I already called me bosses and it’s been sorted. What the fuck, Li?’’

‘’I know you, Lou and I know if they said you have to go, you’ll go. You’re just lucky it got sorted.’’ Liam says and Louis feels properly chastised because Liam is right.

‘’Fine,’’ Louis sighs. ‘’Now what?’’

‘’Now, I’ll go back to work, ask for some over-time to compensate, Zayn will sanitize this house with the alcohol spray bottle we bought and Niall will keep you company.’’ Liam says, level-headed and calm. ‘’And you will sleep, rest and drink lots of fluids, okay?’’

‘’Not like I have a choice,’’ Louis mutters.

‘’Zayn, can you start with the living room, where he passed out?’’ Liam asks. ‘’And Niall, some of your famous tea and tomato soup will do for now.’’

‘’Got it, boss.’’ Niall says before he follows Zayn out of the room, crutches making their familiar clanking noises.

‘’What?’’ Louis sighs, knows Liam has more to say to him but then he sees Liam’s face crumble. ‘’Li, hey…’’

‘’Don’t do this to me.’ Liam cries, standing at the foot of the bed. ‘’Don’t fucking scare me like this, I can’t afford to lose any one of you, especially you, Lou. I can’t do this alone, man.’’

‘’I’m right here, I’m not dying, Li.’’ Louis says, taking on his comforting tone. ‘’I’ll be as good as new in a week, less than that even.’’

‘’You’d better.’’ Liam says, wiping his face with the back of his hand. ‘’You’re gonna break Niall’s heart if you’re anything less than perfect a week from now.’’

‘’Then I’ll be perfect.’’ Louis smiles at him.

‘’Okay,’’ Liam sniffs and gets himself under control. ‘’I’ll go get those bandages for your wrists. You can go to sleep. We’ll take care of you.’’

‘’Okay, Li.’’ Louis says gently. For now, he’ll do anything they ask, just to appease them. He can’t afford having them look into his business too closely, terrified at the thought of them finding out his shame.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’Hey, you feeling okay?’’

‘’Its been ten days, Li. Stop asking already.’’ Louis laughs. He does feel better, almost suffocated in affection even. To be fair, it’s been a good period of rest; doing nothing but sleeping, eating and using the facilities. He still feels bone-weary but he’s getting bored out of his mind. He needs to be back out there, making money.

In the time that he’d been out of commission, Zayn decorated his room with paintings. Liam had grown some potted plants in their balcony and Niall had filled the apartment with his guitar strumming and beautiful singing voice. It’s been a haven but having a lot of free time on his hands got him worrying incessantly about the money again and now that he’s better, he can’t wait for the weekend to be over so that he can get back out there and carry his weight around.

Mostly, he misses being needed.

‘’Sit down then. This will be set up in a jiffy.’’ Liam says.

‘’You need any help?’’ he asks, standing by the doorway of the bathroom –he’s tired of sitting down, he needs to get his legs back to functioning.

‘’Nah, we got this.’’ Liam is setting up Netflix on their telly which is not really a state of the art one but it will do. Zayn got it after the cheerful old lady he works for in the flower shop saw Zayn’s painting one day when he was working on one in the break room. She asked to buy several of them to decorate her flower shop and her niece’s dental clinic. It’s the same clinic that they shifted to for Niall since it was cheaper and the lady dentist there, the niece, was nicer than the male dentist they brought Niall to that first time. His hands were heavy, Niall had complained so they changed up clinics.

The paintings Zayn made earned him a decent amount of money, enough to buy a second-hand but fully functioning telly and a brand new bed for Louis. Now, he doesn’t have to sleep on the floor anymore. Although to be fair, he’s less concerned about back problems and mostly concerned about the monthly subscription fee they are now going to have to pay to keep up their Netflix account and the increase in their electricity bills. Zayn can be so rash with his money sometimes, sweet to a fault but he’d just bought Louis a bed so he doesn’t complain. When he goes back to work, he’ll be able to pay for the bills anyways.

‘’Are we still ordering sushi, Li?’’ Niall asks, practically vibrating on the couch at the thought of watching anime again. Liam had gone the day before and paid for the hospital bill of the month, which Louis is grateful for. That same day, he’d gotten a bonus at work as ‘’employee of the month’’ from the pizza shop. Now that Louis is fully recovered, they decided to celebrate. It was Liam’s idea to spend his bonus money for the celebration and he wants to order sushi, something they’ve never tried before and are curious about. It’s expensive but it’s not like they’ll ever eat it again. Naturally, Zayn’s not having it; he's never really been into trying new food.

‘’What if we don’t like it?’’ Zayn asks. ‘’It will be a huge waste of money and I’ve read it’s not even cooked food.’’

‘’But it’s something new.’’ Liam says, fiddling with the remote. ‘’We can at least have the experience.’’

‘’I’m not into throwing food away, Lima.’’ Zayn says warily.

‘’We won’t throw it. We’ll just give it to Niall. He can eat anything.’’ Liam shrugs.

‘’Oh and the rest of us can just have Louis’ left over tomato soup.’’ Zayn says, falling dramatically on the arm chair, a mess of unhappy boy.

‘’Hey, that soup did wonders for me.’’ Louis reminds him.

‘’It’s working!’’ Liam crows. ‘’Ni, look. Naruto!’’

‘’Move out of the way then.’’ Niall flails and there indeed, is the yellow-headed cartoon figure, a fixture of their childhood, on the screen of their telly.

They’re all quiet for a while, watching in a daze at an episode Louis is sure he saw before.

‘’Do you think she’s proud of us?’’ Zayn asks the room at large, eyes on the screen.

‘’I think she is.’’ Liam says before he blinks down at them, appreciating the moment.

Louis feels nothing but shame at the thought of Leona knowing what he’s doing. It's such a huge contrast, watching something so innocent and feeling anything but.

‘’Anyways, final decision.’’ Liam says, throwing the remote on the sofa next to Niall, who snatches it and turns the volume up. ‘’What are we going to order?’’

‘’Li, you don’t have to…’’ Louis tries to say.

‘’No, it’s my money and I want to treat you guys.’’ Liam interrupts. ‘’Sushi or something else? C’mon people.’’

‘’I don’t want su…’’ Zayn is about to say when the door rings.

‘’Did we pay rent?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Yeah, I did.’’ Zayn said, confused. 

‘’Then who is…’’

‘’Oh shit!’’

Louis must still be sick because there’s no fucking way Harry is standing at their doorstep.

He must be hallucinating.

''Hi,'' Harry says, voice gravelly.

Oh shit indeed.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Harry!’’

‘’Li!’’

Both boys hug after an eternity of shocked silence but everyone else is still in a daze. Zayn’s jaws are on the floor, Niall’ eyes are as wide as space saucers and Louis is frozen on his feet.

Harry, sweet baby Harry, is almost as tall as Liam now and just as broad. His legs are long and encased in skinny jeans, feet clad in brown boots that look brand-spanking new and he’s wearing a long black coat and a lilac sweater, hair encased in a blue beanie.

‘’I thought I got the place wrong,’’

Oh my god, what’s with the deep voice?!

‘’You were looking for us?’’ Liam says, still hugging Harry.

‘’God, I miss you, Li.’’ Harry just hugs tighter, burying his face in Liam’s shoulder.

They hug it out longer before Liam pats Harry’s back and breaks away.

‘’Come in! We were just about to celebrate.’’

‘’Zayn!’’

Louis watches as Zayn barrels into Harry, almost lifting him off the ground.

‘’You were so missed, bro.’’ Louis hears Zayn say. ‘’Can’t believe you’re here.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry says, eyes getting teary and then he notices Niall behind Zayn, standing with his crutches and his face crumbles. ‘’Ni, what…’’

‘’Long story,’’ Niall shakes his head, already crying. ‘’My turn. Hold this.’’

Zayn lets go and holds Niall’s crutches. Harry hugs Niall gently at first and when Niall doesn’t break, hugs him tighter.

‘’Never thought this day would come.’’ Harry says, voice thick. ‘’I waited so long for this.’’

‘’I thought Louis told you where we lived.’’ Liam says. "You could've come anytime, Haz."

‘’Louis’ here?’’ Harry asks, breaking away from Niall and wiping his face, even helps Niall with his crutches before he looks at Liam.

The whole while, Louis was still frozen against the wall of the bathroom doorway, unable to move. He takes one step forward now, comes into view.

‘’Lou…’’ Harry says, a single line of tear falls from his beautiful green eyes that Louis cannot believe he almost forgot about, stopped dreaming about.

His boy is here in front of him and he’s totally and completely speechless.

‘’No hug for me?’’ Harry asks, chuckling wetly.

‘’I think he’s in shock.’’ Zayn laughs.

Louis spares him a glance before he takes another step and another until he’s standing in front of Harry, in front of a beautiful boy.

He presses his hands against Harry’s chest; real.

He swipes his hands up Harry’s sturdy-looking shoulders; real.

He runs his hands down the length of his arms; real.

He clutches his big, broad hands in his callous, rough ones; real.

He’s real and he’s looking down at him –he’s the shorter one now, what the fuck?- eyes soft and shiny like whirlpools and then a dimple pops.

‘’Hi, Lou.’’

‘’C’mere.’’ He proceeds to hug the living shit out of him, startles when Harry practically lifts his feet from the ground and spins him around even. Jesus, he’s strong.

Louis still thinks he’s hallucinating, especially after Harry puts him down and just looks at him, a radiant happy look on his face.

‘’I finally found you.’’ He says

Yeah, definitely hallucinating, he thinks.


	8. 8

_How can I just let you walk away_

_Just let you leave without a trace?_   
_When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh ooh_   
_You're the only one who really knew me at all_

_How can you just walk away from me_   
_When all I can do is watch you leave?_   
_'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain_   
_And even shared the tears_   
_You're the only one who really knew me at all_

_So take a look at me now_   
_Well there's just an empty space_   
_And there's nothing left here to remind me_   
_Just the memory of your face_

-Phil Collins, Against all odds

Louis is in a daze.

17-year-old Harry (less than a week away from his 18th birthday) is sitting in their ratty couch, in their small living room, eating sushi (because Liam got his way) and piling his plate with kebabs (because Zayn got his way too) and laughing and regaling stories of a picture perfect life, a life Louis had never even dreamed about.

He’s in his last year of school. His adoptive parents are rich, filthy rich and they seem kind and loving from what Harry tells them if not a bit over-protective of him. He’s going to a private school and from what Louis can tell; he seems like a popular kid. Just by the little bit of changes in the way he words things, he sounds incredibly posh but he reacts very endearingly when the boys tease him about it, like he’s aware of the change but he just can’t help it.

His parents already celebrated his birthday by gifting him a car which is parked outside. He’s just arrived back from a family vacation not too long ago, which was spent in Italy, having spent Christmas in Paris and then the New Year’s in Milan but his parents decided to extend their trip to the Caribbean so it’s just Harry and his sister Gemma in their house (half-sister…Louis is not sure how to word that). Niall asks that Harry show them pictures of where he lives so Harry passes his phone around, even though he's shy about it, says the place is too big, spaces too wide. Their house, the house Harry lives in now, has a pool, a back yard garden and a parking space enough to fit three cars. Harry had also just finished his mid-year final exams and won’t start school again till February 9.

He tells them all this simply because the boys prod for every detail but Harry doesn’t seem comfortable about it and maybe because it has to do with the fact that Harry didn’t grow up with such privileges and it’s nice to see how he still clings to that, clings to where he came from, even if he doesn’t dress like them or talk like them.

All Louis can do, is stare at him.

‘’Louis? Louis, man; how come you never told us any of this?’’ Liam snaps his fingers at him and Louis blinks out of his daze.

‘’What?’’

‘’I thought you guys stayed in touch?’’ Liam says before he turns back to Harry. ‘’He doesn’t tell us much about you; said you’re incredibly busy and we can see why. You’re going places, Harry!’’

‘’He did text me where you guys lived and yeah, I was busy but am here now.’’ Harry lies and Louis cannot believe he is playing along with this. ‘’What about you guys?’’ Harry asks and Louis is almost grateful for the change in subject, knows that they’re going to talk about the whole loss contact and obviously lying about it thing later and he’s grateful that Harry isn’t making a scene. To be fair, he’s also not making it easier, sitting so close to Louis, their thighs touching, shoulder to shoulder.

Liam and Zayn talk about their jobs and Niall mentions how he was found, which almost made Harry bawl his eyes out but Niall has the uncanny ability to make things simpler than they really are and he just cuddles into Zayn and focuses on that instead, on how things are better now for him despite the bum leg and messed-up teeth. The boys mention Niall’s birthday and show Harry pictures, eager to talk about good times. Niall even brings out his guitar and shows off his laptop and the watch too. Louis feels almost embarrassed. Their things must be out-dated compared to what Harry has (he's seen the phone and the shiny cover) and Niall is shamelessly showing his stuff to Harry like they’re real treasures.

Harry is sport about it but Louis is feeling uncomfortable. Harry found them on a good day because most of the time, all they have are pot noodles and used tea-bags that they keep in the fridge so that they can squeeze some tea out of it. Most of the time, all they do is pay bills and make sure they work their butts off only to do it all again the following day. Most of the time, they can barely survive; hit with one hurdle after another, first with Niall's bills and then Louis getting sick and sometimes some of Zayn’s druggie friends pop up and ask for money and Zayn doesn’t want any trouble so he gives them whatever cash he can spare but no way will that hard-earned doe ever be paid back again.

Most of the time, they can hardly get by and now Harry shows up, thinking that life is all roses and daisies. It’s not right.

It’s decided then; Harry cannot come here again.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

After Harry exchanges numbers with Zayn and Liam (Niall doesn’t have a phone yet), he tells them that he needs to go back home as Dusty, their cat, needs to be fed and Gemma is out partying somewhere. Louis decides to walk him out.

‘’Be careful now; don’t want you getting sick again.’’ Liam says and rushes to put another coat on Louis.

‘’Liam, stop mothering me.’’ Louis mutters and avoids Harry’s worried eyes as he begrudgingly wears the second item of clothing.

‘’Stay in touch, Haz.’’ Liam says, hugging Harry for the second time. ‘’I can’t believe it’s been a year, lad!’’

‘’Yeah, me neither.’’ Harry says quietly, hugging Liam back just as tight. ‘’I’ll definitely come by again.’’

‘’Good lad,’’ Liam says, ruffling Harry’s set of curls before Harry covers them with his beanie.

Harry says goodbye to Zayn and Niall before Louis ushers him out the door and finally, they’re alone.

Louis doesn’t leave room for a conversation and starts marching down the stairs, Harry hot in his tails.

‘’That’s it? You won’t talk to me?’’ Harry asks and Louis ignores him. ‘’A whole year without you and now you see me and you won’t talk to me?’’

Louis opens the door of the building and looks left and right.

‘’Where’s your car?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’This isn’t exactly a posh neighbourhood!’’ Louis hisses. ‘’I asked where’s your car!’’

‘’Right behind you,’’ Harry says and when Louis looks around, the car is covered in a black car wrap. Louis exhales, relieved it wasn’t scratched or stolen.

But now, it’s time to face the music.

He turns around and Harry is already advancing on him, fingers bunching around fistfuls of his jacket.

‘’You!’’ Harry grits out, pushing Louis against the side of the car, angry tears swelling in his eyes. ‘’How can you forget me?’’ he enunciates every word through gritted teeth. ‘’How fucking dare you?’’

It’s weird hearing Harry curse, weird seeing the height difference, how the span of Harry’s hands almost cover his entire chest.

‘’I waited for you!’’ Harry cries, almost rattling him against the car. ‘’I waited every day for your call and I fought the social workers tooth and nail, waiting for you to come and get me. I didn’t want to leave and I hated my parents for taking me away from you, I blamed them when they didn’t deserve to be blamed and all because you decided to take matters into your own hands.’’

‘’What are you talking about?’’

‘’Don’t act cute with me, it’s not funny.’’ Harry snaps. ‘’I asked Anne, my adoptive mother, to give me Miss Sander’s phone number, I demanded it as her birthday gift to me and she pulled strings, made some phone calls and when I finally talked to Miss Sanders, she tells me that she had your new number all along, could’ve passed it down to me since my parents were amiable people and then she tells me you told her no? You decided to forget about me? After you promised me?’’

The car was digging into Louis’ back from the hard way in which Harry was pressing him to it.

‘’When were you adopted, Harry?’’ Louis asks quietly.

‘’What? What does that have to do with anything?’’ Harry demands.

‘’Answer me,’’ Louis says, tone just as even.

‘’Around the end of the summer.’’

‘’And you waited till now to reach out to Miss Sanders? You waited…’’

‘’I didn’t fucking wait; my parents wanted me to forget all about you.’’ Harry hisses. ‘’They made a deal with me; they thought I came from the slums, thought you guys were drug addicts or hoodlums, that’s why they sent me back to the orphanage separated from Niall. But I told them I would prove them wrong so they made a deal with me; they said if I behaved, if I promised them good grades, they will reward me, give me anything I wanted; first the phone for getting straight A’s, then the car for my Christmas present.’’

‘’You lied to us about the car,’’

‘’I covered for you.’’ Harry corrects him. ‘’The moment Liam opened his mouth, I knew you kept it to yourself and that you lied to them too.’’

Harry finally eases up on his hold and straightens up.

‘’I asked for the phone so that I can search, tried to look into the system on my own, tried to find Niall because I knew if I found him then I’d find you but I didn’t have the resources. So, I asked for the car and sometimes, I’d drive up and down alleyways, thinking I’d find Zayn somewhere and when all that didn’t work, I waited till my birthday because they kept me busy, always pushing me to attend school events, to join up with school activities and finally, I demanded Miss Sander’s number because I gave them what they wanted; I gave them a son to be proud of but I vowed to them that I would never, no matter what they did, I promised them that I would never forget you and that I’ll prove it and the moment I got that number, I didn’t hesitate to dial it and lock in your address on the car GPS. I kept to my word, just like I said I would and they had no choice but to give in to me.’’

‘’I thought they were good people.’’

‘’They are, Lou.’’ Harry whines. ‘’They’re the best I could have asked for but they are not the best thing that ever happened to me, you are!’’

Louis cannot help but stare at him, like he hadn’t been staring almost all night. It’s hard to believe but Harry, sweet, loving Harry has kept his good heart in him, the heart that sees the kindness in people, the heart that stands its ground and makes grand promises and sticks by them.

Deep down, Louis knows he is still the same boy who tried to sleep under the bed and failed, the same boy who leapt to his lap because he needed a hug and Louis was offering him one, the same boy who held unto his hand so tightly when they ran through the mall, the same boy who cried into his arms after Leona died.

And now, he’s crying in front of him in a snow-covered street, snowflakes sticking to his lashes and nose rosy from the cold.

‘’You know?’’ Harry starts, brushing his tears with the back of his hand.

‘’What?’’

‘’I told everyone at school that I’m seeing someone.’’ Harry says. ‘’I tell all my mates about you, I tell them that you’re my boyfriend. All I do is talk about you, about seeing you again, as if all this was some long-distance relationship.’’

‘’You…what?’’

‘’And I don’t sleep easy,’’ Harry continues. ‘’Because most nights, all I can think about are those damn curtains you talked about and until now, I still push them aside every night in my room just so I could sleep a little. I even tried sleeping under my bed and it never works. It just makes my back ache.’’

Louis couldn’t help but chuckle wetly.

‘’And till this day,’’ Harry says, taking a step closer. ‘’I still think about my promises to you. I think about promising that I would never leave you, telling you that where you go, I go and where you stay, I stay. Do you remember that, Louis?’’

Louis nods. He’d forgotten, he’s not man enough to admit it but he’d brushed all those moments under a rug and made himself forget them but Harry is upending all those memories, throwing the rug aside and bringing those memories back to life.

‘’Do you remember me telling you that I love you?’’ Harry asks, framing Louis’ face with his big beefy hands. ‘’That I can’t be without you? How alone I’d be?’’

‘’Why are you saying all this?’’

‘’Good question,’’ Harry says and then, ever so gently, he kisses Louis forehead. Louis wants to hold him but he’s rigid, rooted to the ground.

‘’You may have broken your promises to me,’’ Harry murmurs into his brow. ‘’But I haven’t broken mine. I promised when I’m older that I’ll take care of you and that’s what I’m going to do and you’re not going to stop me.’’

Louis exhales harshly when Harry steps back, face determined and mature.

‘’I never stopped loving you,’’ Harry says. ‘’And I never will.’’

Louis watches him as he starts removing the cover off the car so he stands back. Harry then takes out his car keys before he turns towards the driver’s side and opens the door. He folds the cover again and again before throwing it in the passenger seat. After that, he turns back to Louis.

‘’What’s this about you being sick?’’ Harry asks, frown back on his face.

Louis feels like he’s in a daze again, like he’d been hit by a whirlwind and was chewed out.

‘’Just the flu,’’ Louis clears his throat. ‘’I’m better now.’’

‘’Go inside, Lou.’’ Harry says. ‘’Don’t want you getting sick again.’’

Louis just nods but he doesn’t move.

‘’Answer your texts, okay?’’ Harry asks and when Louis nods again, Harry gives him one last look before he gets in his car and drives away.

What the fuck just happened?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Harry keeps to his word and texts. He even makes a WhatsApp group and adds Liam and Zayn to it. He called the group, ‘’Leona’s boys’’. Louis hates the reminder but deep down, he felt warmth at the thought that Harry never forgot the woman that meant everything to Louis, even now, long after she was gone.

Louis’ next goal is to buy Niall his own phone and therefore, after being out of commission, he gives his work his all. He’s like a hurricane in the bakery, baking batch after batch of bread and he’s more hands-on at the toy store, catching up on all his late work.

It’s at Nick's night club that his vigour deflates.

Harry doesn’t stop texting all day and Louis plays along, texts him back what he ate for breakfast, what he was doing at work, sends a silly selfie because Harry asked. His answers are short; he cannot afford the distraction and by nightfall, he turns his phone completely off.

He can think about Harry some other day.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

He’s surprised when he comes home from the bakery the next day only to find Harry in the flat.

It’s the first thing that greets him when he unlocks the door; the sound of Niall’s loud cackle and Harry’s honking laugh. His feet lead him to the kitchen and he sees Harry dressed in an apron and loads of grocery bags are spread open on their kitchen table. Niall is sitting on the far counter, drinking what looks like a can of fizzy drinks and Zayn is standing next to him, leaning against the fridge. Harry is by the stove, cooking something that smells marvelous.

But that’s beside the point.

‘’What is this?’’ Louis demands before he snatches the can from Niall’s hand. ‘’You know this is bad for your teeth! Why are you drinking this?’’

‘’Harry bought it for me,’’ Niall says, hurt. ‘’He also bought groceries.’’

‘’We have grocery money,’’ Louis snaps. ‘’And that’s Liam job.’’

‘’Lou…’’ Harry says but Louis’s fiery eyes makes him zip up.

‘’You,’’ he points at him with the can. ‘’In my room, right now.’’

He turns around just as quickly as he’d appeared, slamming the door to his room open. It’s only been one day he’s been back to work but his bum is killing him from the slapping he got and right now, he's pissed enough to forget all about his aching bum.

‘’Lou, what…’’

‘’What the fuck are you trying to do here, huh?’’ Louis demands, whirling at him.

‘’I just wanted to do something nice,’’ Harry says, shocked.

‘’Nice? You call this nice?’’ Louis says, holding up the can. ‘’Liam told you yesterday that Niall needed braces because his teeth are messed up and you buy him a sugary drink? Are you crazy?’’

Harry fish-mouths, obviously chastised into silence.

‘’And what’s with you disrupting our routine? What, are we some kind of charity case to you?’’

“No, Lou, I…’’

‘’Quiet!’’ Louis hisses and Harry immediately shuts up.

‘’I saw the contents of your grocery bags and you have got to be kidding me!’’ Louis says, furious. ‘’Bags of kernel? Crisps? Fizzy drinks? Chocolate bars? Beer? Are you fucking…’’

‘’Stop shouting at me!’’ Harry yells. ‘’I’m sorry, okay? I just wanted to do something nice!’’

Louis notices that Harry is on the verge of tears and just like that, his steam stops oozing out of his ears, the fight leaving him.

‘’Harry,’’ he exhales. ‘’This isn’t some bachelor pad, love. We don’t need that shit here, we don’t need you to come in here bearing gifts or anything, you can come any time you want.’’

‘’Can I?’’ Harry flaps his hand. ‘’Because I don’t really feel very welcomed at the moment,’’

‘’You are,’’ Louis insists. 

‘’If that’s so, how come you never explained?’’ Harry asked.

‘’Explained what?’’

‘’Why you never called me,’’ Harry replies. ‘’Miss Sanders told you where I was going, she told you she could've made arrangements for us to reconnect and you just decided on your own that I was better off. You never told me why, Lou. I want to know why!’’

‘’You just said it; you were better off, Harry!’’ Louis says bluntly.

‘’What?’’ Harry staggers. ''That is not true! What the fuck, Lou?''

‘’Harry, you were given a life that we can't even dream about.’’ Louis says kindly. ‘’A fairy-tale, is what it is and we won’t ever envy that life you have, not now, not ever. In fact, we are so happy for you. Why take that away from you, huh? Why drag you down here with us?’’

‘’If this is about money or wealth, I didn’t choose it.’’ Harry shakes his head. ‘’I can live without it but I can’t live without you.’’

‘’You can,’’ Louis says gently. ‘’You’ve done it for a whole year and you can. You made it, love. You were strong and brave and I’m so proud of you. You did it all on your own.’’

‘’I know what you’re doing.’’ Harry shakes his head more vigorously. ‘’Don’t think I’m still that stupid little kid who followed you like a little duckling. Stop pushing me away, Lou.’’

‘’I’m not but I can’t give you what you want.’’ Louis tries to explain. ‘’I’m not the same boy who took you under my wing, Harry. I’m not…you don’t need me anymore.’’

‘’That’s not true,’’ Harry’s tears spills. ‘’Please stop pushing me away. Please.’’

Louis thought he’d become immune to Harry’s tears, to his big green eyes demanding comfort but apparently, he isn’t. He puts the can on the floor before he closes the gap between them and hugs Harry. It’s surreal having to get on his tip-toes just to wrap his arms around his shoulders but he somehow manages.

‘’Stop crying you big baby,’’

Apparently it’s the wrong thing to say because Harry just cries harder.

‘’You still love me,’’ Harry says into his neck. ‘’You wouldn’t say that if you love me no more.’’

And then it hits him, the memory of him and Harry in the guest room, back in mama’s house. The thought makes him chuckle.

‘’I’m not wrong, you still are a big baby.’’

Harry sniffs and chuckles before he steps back, hands on Louis’ hips.

‘’You smell funny.’’

Louis swallows; he didn’t take his customary shower yet.

‘’Like, bread.’’ Harry says. ‘’You smell like an oven.’’

Louis laughs, tries to hide his unease. The thought of Harry finding out about what he's doing mortifies him.

‘’I usually take a shower as soon as I come home.’’ Louis explains.

‘’Do you want lunch after you shower?’’ Harry asks. ‘’I can cook something up.’’

‘’Weren’t you cooking something already?’’

‘’Yeah, I was making pasta but I can make something else.’’ Harry says, hope in his eyes. ‘’I bought some frozen pizza and hot dogs. Is there something you want instead?’’

‘’No, pasta’s good.’’

‘’Do you want me to throw the junk food away?’’ Harry says, guilt in his eyes.

‘’Nah, Zayn will have enough good sense by now to hide it.’’ Louis says warily. ''I can't believe he let him drink that shit.''

‘’I won’t do it again, I promise.’’ Harry says, grabbing his hands.

‘’Okay,’’

‘’I can still come and visit?’’

‘’Yeah, you can, just don’t do that.’’ Louis says. ‘’Don’t buy anything; we don’t want that from you. It’s enough that we’re reunited, love. That’s all that matters.’’

‘’And we can go back to the way things were? With us?’’

‘’Harry, one step at a time, okay? Please?’’ Louis pleads. He cannot jump into a relationship with Harry too soon, should wait at least a year from now. It doesn't feel right, not when he feels like he's selling his soul to Nick every night.

‘’Okay, anything you want.’’ Harry nods, eager to appease.

‘’C’mere.’’ He hugs Harry again, relief flooding his bones.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

They celebrate Harry’s birthday the same way they celebrated Niall’s birthday, in Nandos.

It’s also sort of a reunion party since Zayn said they don’t have a lot of photos with all five of them together so it was time they remedy that fact.

Harry was all aboard with it, got them all in his car even and drove them to Nandos only to be surprised by the cake and the wait staff singing for him.

Louis cannot believe he is 18 now.

It’s a short celebration, since Liam took the bus to not cut through his lunch break, stayed long enough for a bite of cake, loads of pics and then had to rush again for more pizza deliveries. Harry drove them home after and when he noticed Louis’ eyes drooping, took his leave a short time later, once again giving Louis a forehead kiss goodbye. Louis doesn't know what it means but he welcomes the gestures, tries to be immune to it but doesn't inherently dislike it.

All in all, it was a good day.

And as all good days, they are naturally followed by bad days ahead.


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, my wifi was awful all day
> 
> Anyways, heed the warnings please

_You can't hide your lyin' eyes_   
_And your smile is a thin disguise_   
_I thought by now you'd realize_   
_There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes_

-Eagles, Lying eyes

Louis doesn’t really think his life is all that bad. Sure, he's had ups and downs but everybody has those. What happened with Doris was an accident, what happened to Ernest was out of his control. Losing his biological mum was also out of his hands, same with losing Leona. It's not like he played any part in them, not like he timed their deaths. It's just the cycle of life.

Besides, how can his life be so bad when he's got Liam? His faithful Liam, so diligent, righteous and courteous and never fails him or lets him down, ever. He's got Zayn, amazing Zayn who knows how to get things done, who knows how to read people so well, knows how to get his way, even if he does it on impulse. He's got Niall, wonderful and positive, who chooses to face the world with a smile. Niall, who chooses to find happiness in the little things and is always giving free hugs.

And to top it off, Harry is back, like a blazing shooting star, lighting up his life.

School starts for Harry but twice a week he comes to the apartment, even when all Louis can do is greet him at the door before he has to leave for the toy store. It's nice to know that Harry wants to catch up with the lads, even when he's napping or when he's not there because of work.

Harry also decides to drop by in the weekends after Zayn's home and he says they can make this a routine and that his parents won't mind so long as he brings his homework with him. To celebrate, they decide on a movie marathon instead of an afternoon of playing scrabble. Since Louis had banned him from buying anything, Harry decided to bring his board games and the lads played all sorts of them when Harry passed by, like monopoly and this wicked game called 'spell way'. It's fun.

And then Louis has to say goodbye after the third movie because his temporary weekend shifts at Nick's start.

''I'm sad to see you go,'' Harry says, walking him to the door.

''You sure about this?'' Louis asks, ignoring Harry's comment. It's getting late and Louis doesn’t want Harry's parents to worry. ‘’It’s almost 10.’’

''I've got the car parked outside, besides my curfew is at 12.'' Harry snorts.

''Lucky boy,'' Louis says, putting on his shoes and dressing in warm clothes. Niall had picked up on knitting and put Leona's old yarn balls to good use. He choked up when Louis said he'd kept them and started knitting beanies for him and the lads. Mostly for him and Zayn since Zayn finishes work at 1:30 am during the weekdays. As for him, he's...well, he's...yeah.

''Not really,'' Harry shrugs and Louis blinks at him, sees Harry's wandering eyes.

''Why's that?'' Louis asks as he diverts his eyes and opens the door.

''Wish I could spend more time with you,'' Harry says honestly. ''You work too hard.''

Louis looks back at the boys congregated in the kitchen. They've decided to take a break before they continue with the movie marathon, loading up on some snacks. Louis wishes he could spend some more time with them, wishes he could go out drinking, hit the clubs, live a little.

He wishes he could take up cooking more professionally. He's got Leona's notebook, the one full of her recipes. Back when he'd first come to her house, that was how they bonded; making pastries and taking buns out of the oven, cooking delicious meals and sharing cooking tips and secret recipes.

Alas, he's got no time for dreams and he certainly has no time for Harry.

''I've got to go,'' Louis says. He tries not to make his smile look too tight or his tone too clipped but he knows he fails from the dim look in Harry's eyes

''Take care then,'' Harry says and leans in quickly for a forehead kiss. Louis is pretty sure it’s because he was afraid that Louis would turn his face away, like he did the two times he came by.

''Yeah,'' Louis says quietly before he turns away, afraid that Harry would see his blush.

.............................................................................................................

''Hey Nick?''

''What?''

Nick turns back to him while he undresses. Usually Louis waits for him to leave before he gets naked but Nick has seen him in worse states so he's gotten used to it. To be fair, talking to Nick helps him normalize the situation, helps him accept it as something akin to work, just work and nothing more, like talking to his colleagues in the break room.

Honestly, Nick helps him pretend it’s that way anyways.

''How come I've never met Mr. Winston?'' Louis inquires. ''You said I'd meet him that first night.''

''Oh,'' Nick blinks his eyes at him before he clears his throat. ''Well, he got busy.''

''Has he seen my pictures?'' Louis asks as he folds his clothes in the one drawer he can open. The other drawers are locked, keys only given to the clients and given back to Paul when they leave.

''Yeah, he did.'' Nick says, averting his eyes. ''He'll come when he's free. Don't worry about it,''

''Right,'' To be fair, Louis isn't really sure if he wants to meet the man.

''Listen, Lou.'' Nick says, closing the door and facing him.

''What?''

''It's the weekend, alright? The clients this time are quite different.'' Nick says hesitantly.

''Meaning?''

''You know, they've got more time on their hands, willing to stay longer and pay for it. You know what I mean?''

Louis doesn't know what he means but he does have a feeling that he's run out of luck. You see, for all the shit that's gone down in this room, he's not once been fucked. He doesn't know why but he's just counted his lucky stars, counted his money and got the hell out of there.

Maybe Nick is trying to tell him to be ready for the worse or maybe he's just playing him.

''I can't do extra hours if that's what you mean.'' Louis says. ''I leave at 3 means I leave at 3, I don’t care how long they want to stay.''

''No, babe. That's not what I mean...''

''Don't call me that.'' Louis says bluntly. ''You're my pimp not my customer.''

''Geez, sorry for trying to warn you.''

''Warn me about what?'' Louis snaps. ''Enough with your games, yeah?''

''I'm just saying I want you to be as docile as you can be.'' Nick says sternly. ''I don't want you freaking out. These clients you hate so much are here for a willing partner and whether you like it or not, you will be willing. No one's forced you to do this, Lou so get that stick out of your arse and wake up!''

Louis swallows and tries not to stagger back. In a way, he knows that Nick is right, knows that he's made his bed, so he ought to clean the sheets. But he's been trying hard not to accept that and he doesn’t know why when Nick is absolutely right.

He's here because no other job will pay him enough; no other job will give him the money he needs. He's here because he's willing, just as Nick said.

''I hear you, Nick.'' Louis says, defeated.

''Good,'' Nick says with finality. There's an unreadable expression in his eyes and if he didn't know better, Louis might even interpret it as pity but it's gone to soon when Nick opens the door again and leaves without another word.

..............................................................................................................................

The first two clients are just there for the usual blowie, nothing out of the norm. He's been back into it for a week now so it wasn't as hard as the first two days to accept his reality.

The third client that comes in though, has Louis confused.

You see, he's gorgeous. He's wearing what looks like an expensive suit, the type you'd see in the display behind the glass of high-end stores. He's got a goatee and jet-black hair, long legs and he looks proper ripped. This is made clear when he takes off his suit, clothing leaving him one by one before he folds them neatly on the end of the bed. Even his leather shoes look expensive.

''You're going to keep standing there watching me?'' the man asks, voice baritone and smirk etching his face.

Louis diverts his eyes; he'd been coming out of the bathroom when the man came in. He was cleaning his mouth with water and then some mouth wash but now, his mouth feels dry. You see, this man doesn’t look like he ought to be here, looks like the kind of guy who can have anything he wants, man born with a silver spoon in his mouth and has made use of his wealth. He doesn’t need to be here in this room with Louis.

''No,''

''No, sir.'' the man corrects him. He's proper hung when he turns to face Louis. He’s still wearing his black boxer briefs but Louis can tell from the shape of his bulge. His biceps look large and he's got bricks for abs. ''You don't call your clients, sir?''

''Sorry,'' Louis flushes. ''I mean, sorry, sir.''

''That's better.''

Louis doesn’t know if he should move towards the bed or stay standing. For all that he's been doing this for a while, he still doesn’t know how to read what the clients want from him, finds it easier to just follow instructions and hates it when they don't give him any and expect him to just know what to do with his hands or his tongue. It's not like people have the same ticks or the same tastes.

''What's your name?''

Louis looks up from the floor here. It's very rare that they ask for his name and Nick had advised him never to give his real one but to also stick with the one they agreed on.

''Lewis.''

''Just Lewis?''

''Yes, sir.''

''My name is Allen, Lewis.'' the man says as he starts to approach him, until he's standing right in front of him. The top of Louis' head is aligned with the man's chin. ''But you will call me, sir. Okay?''

''Okay,''

''I'll take care of you tonight, babe.'' the man says, his hands cupping Louis' neck. ''You see, I like taking care of gorgeous boys. It gets so stressful for me at work and I come here to relax, unwind. Can you help with that?''

''Sure,'' Louis says, finding it hard to maintain eye contact but the man's grip on his neck tightens just a smidge and it forces his face up, forces the eye contact. ''I mean, yes sir.''

''Good, I'm glad we see eye to eye about this,'' the man grins, loving the pun.

Louis cannot help but swallow his nerves down, feeling it against the man’s fingers.

''Do that again.'' Allen says, thumbs brushing against his Adam's apple.

''Sir?''

''Swallow,'' Allen points out. ''Keep doing it.''

Louis doesn't know what his game is but it seems simple enough, so he does it one, two, three times and whatever confusion he felt about Allen’s intentions that stumped him for a minute there, it slowly leaves his mind when Allen's hands tighten with every swallow.

And then his hands are gone and Louis cannot help but exhale harshly.

''You are absolutely delightful.'' Allen says, taking a step back and beaming at Louis.

Louis finds his smile loathsome.

''Get on the bed,'' Allen orders lightly before he picks up his clothes and puts them on the chest of drawers.

Louis wants to get away from him so he gets on the bed, sits up against the headboard.

''Lie down, Lewis.'' Allen says. ''On your back, right in the centre and fold your legs.''

Louis keeps his eyes on the ceiling as he does as required.

''Spread your legs.''

Oh fuck.

Slowly, he spreads his legs.

''Hands palm down on the bed, please.'' Allen instructs next. Louis gets the impression that he's ruthless at work, wherever that is. He talks like someone so particular, someone who loves the power of control, someone at the top of the chain of command.

Louis feels like a pawn in his mercy.

''Very good, babe.'' Allen says and Louis looks and sees him standing at the foot of the bed, eyes down and focused on the display in front of him, on the spread of his legs and he...

He feels sick.

''I paid for three hours with you tonight,'' Allen tells him and Louis cannot look at him, doesn’t want to see what he's collecting from the drawers. ''I saw your picture and I knew you'd be the perfect toy for me to play with tonight.''

Louis takes deep breaths, keeps his eyes towards the ceiling. He doesn't care if his breathing is loud, so long as he can drown out the man's voice. It doesn’t work.

''Now, I'm not really one to break my toys. I actually take good care of them but you see, my toys; they don't always stay put together.'' Allen continues. Louis can feel rope against his legs, tying his ankle to the top of his thigh. He keeps breathing, even when he feels light-headed. ''They're just not sturdy enough for me so I feel like it’s my job to put them back together, you know? You can say I like fixing my toys more than I like playing with them, I like putting them back together in a way that makes them better than before, more beautiful even.''

Louis doesn’t even know he's crying until Allen grips his jaw.

''Sweetheart,'' Allen tots. ''You look like you're going to need a lot of work.''

''What?'' Louis doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand how he got here or what happened.

''We haven't even started yet and you're already crying.'' Allen laughs.

Louis feels his chest is caving in.

''But that’s okay. That's what I'm here for.'' Allen says as he ties up his other leg too. ''I'm going to fix you up and make sure you become so beautiful that by the time I'm done with you, you're going to be a living, breathing piece of art.''

Louis returns his eyes to the ceiling when Allen tugs at his wrist and ties it to his ankle, doing the same with the other. Whatever peace he got out of staring at the ceiling, of trying to check himself out of Allen's spiel about toys and art, it's gone when something cold touches his rim.

Fuck, he can't do this.

''No, no...s-stop…'' Louis stutters but Allen only grips his neck with his free hand, eyes blazing.

''That's not how this works, Lewis.'' he says, cold finger entering his bundle of muscles.

''Paul!'' Louis shouts and then chokes when two hands grip his neck.

''Oh do shout again, babe.'' Allen says; voice deadly calm and collected. ''Let me hear you, sweetheart. Go on. I like it when my toys squeak.''

Louis shouts but it doesn’t come out strong enough, not when the grip on his neck intensifies.

Instinct kicks in and he panics, tries to dislodge Allen's weight from on top of him, finds his weeping eyes staring into jet-black orbs, darker than the night sky and his harsh breathing is so loud and only gets louder with his rattling and thrashing.

''Please, please...'' he begs.

''There, there, sweetheart, you're doing great. C'mon shout again, for me.'' Allen grips his neck harder, cutting off his air and Louis just bursts into enough tears to make his sight go hazy.

The air gets sucked out of him as he tries to talk, beg, say anything. He wants to tell Allen that he can do anything else, just not this and he doesn’t even know why. Maybe he wanted to cling to the one part of this whole ordeal that made him feel like he was still intact, like there was still hope for him to redeem himself. He should’ve known better; should’ve had his wits about him.

He thrashes and tries to scream one last time but black spots start clouding his vision, ears picking up on Allen’s cackle.

He blacks out.

............................................................................................

Of all the times he thought he'd get fucked, he didn't think it would be while he's passed out.

He wakes up to intense pain shooting up his spine, to something in his mouth that's preventing him from voicing his discomfort, to Allen driving his ramrod of a dick into his wet hole.

He feels a pillow under the small of his back, feels the bed shaking from the intensity of Allen's thrusts. He feels the ropes burning around his limbs, tightening as he tries to free himself.

''Hello, babe.'' Allen exhales, keeps his dick inside him as he stops and reaches for his neck again. ''Decided to join the ride?''

Louis shakes his head but Allen just laughs and continues with his thrusting, using his grip on Louis' neck to help him hold on.

''Love it when you look at me,'' Allen says, keeping one hand on Louis' neck while the other slithers up and grabs a fistful of hair at the back, keeping his head immobile. ‘’Your eyes speak volumes.’’

Louis is too terrified to close his eyes, too delirious with pain to look away and Allen just smiles at him, sweat dripping from his brow and splattering across Louis' face. He realizes that what's keeping his mouth trapped is rope, tied several times around his head, keeping his lips separated, with drool leaking down his chin. He knows its rope because it burns across his cheeks.

''Fuck, fuck, you feel so good clenching on me.'' Allen says, moves getting erratic. ''Like a good breathing baby doll. You're so tight.''

Louis whites out when the pain hits a whole new level as Allen thrusts in deep and guttural. Allen then shudders on top of him, moves wild, like he's having an out of body experience.

''Fuck,'' Allen takes his dick out of Louis and quickly gets rid of the condom just as he sprays Louis' dick and balls with his release. ''A piece of art, Lewis. There we go,''

He blabbers as he shakes his dick, milking himself and spreading his release on the spread of Louis' legs. Louis doesn’t even have to look down to see that he's not even hard.

He's not aware when Allen lies down next to him, spent. All he’s aware of are his aching limbs, rope burns probably going to make an appearance on his skin.

He’s given a few minutes of silence only interspersed by Allen's heavy breathing.

''I'll just rest up for a bit.'' Allen then says and Louis sees him looking at his watch. He didn't notice that he still had it on him. ''And then we'll go for another round.''

Louis wants to die.

.......................................................................................................

He's not fully there when the other clients come in, eyes dead and vacant as he ends his nights with one perfunctory blow job and two ladies, one who wanted him to finger her and the other who wanted to come just by him using a vibrator on her.

The money that Nick hands him at the end of the night doesn’t even make him feel better. He's like a zombie as he walks out in the snow. He's got no work since it's the weekend but he finds himself telling Nick to take him to the bakery, having gotten used to the route.

He has a key to the back door and he finds himself going in. There's no one there yet, too early since Nick gave him a ride, probably having noticed that Louis wasn't really himself and perhaps took pity on him.

He enters the employee’s bathroom and locks the door before he stands in front of the sink, looks at his face in the mirror.

It's so quiet, not even 4 am yet and the bathroom is small, mirror cracked in a corner and sink a bit too low.

For a while there, he just breathes, takes a quick check of himself. He couldn't do that after Allen untied him, couldn’t do that after Paul helped him clean up and even slapped him extra hard to get him to cooperate and ready for the next clients.

His eyes slowly fall to his neck after he'd taken off his scarf. It’s bruised in the shape of fingers.

It's so quiet, save for his breathing, so quiet save for his thoughts.

He's as quiet as a toy, discarded and forgotten on the bedroom floor when he leaves the bakery and goes out into the snow.

..................................................................................................

He feels better after he leaves, the cold biting him and numbing him as well as his thoughts that by the time he gets home, his mind has stopped racing. He knows the boys would disapprove him walking home, would rather he catch a ride home with a friend. Louis was quick to assure them that he does have a ride even if Nick really is unreliable and surprised him when he offered one.

Still, the walk helped him loosen up a bit and though he knows breathing in frozen air was not really good for him considering he’d just gotten back from being mended, his walk in the snow helped him accept what happened, helped remind him what he was doing it for, who he was doing it for and why it’s worth it, all of it.

Suppressing it all helps put his mind at ease that by the time he’s in front of his apartment building, whatever turmoil he was feeling is finally locked up deep in the recesses of his mind. Allen won’t be the only man that fucks him, he won’t be the last and Louis owe to be prepared for the next time if he wants to still have his sanity by the end of the year.

It's only after he shuts the front door that he feels his weary limbs, like the biting cold and snow has encased him from head to toe. He also notices that Harry is on the couch, asleep after he turns the lights on.

''What are you doing here?'' he asks quietly and sighs. He divests himself of his shoes before he goes over to Harry's sleeping form and wakes him up.

''Wha...'' Harry stirs and after another shaking, he opens his eyes. ''Lou?''

''Why are you still here?'' Louis asks. ''It's past 5 am. Your parents must be worried about you....''

''I called them,'' Harry mumbles, bringing the blanket he's covered in back over his shoulder, huddling on his side. ''Said I could sleep over. Why are you bothering me?''

''Oh,'' Louis sits back.

''Go to sleep, Lou.'' Harry sighs, closing his eyes. ''I'll be here when you wake up. Breakfast is on me.''

‘’Okay,’’ Louis says belatedly before he gets up.

‘’Turn off the lights,’’ Harry mumbles. Louis does as told before he tip toes to his bedroom. Niall is snoring loudly and it helps him gather some clothes quickly and tread to the bathroom.

He takes a warm shower and stays long enough until he prunes up.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’Hey,’’ he greets when he enters the kitchen. He’d slept well into midday and Harry is still in the apartment, playing scrabble with Niall on the kitchen table. ‘’Zayn ate?’’

‘’Yeah, Harry made some toast with peanut butter for him before he left.’’ Niall says before he looks up. ‘’Never saw a turtle neck on you before.’’

‘’Yeah, I feel cold.’’ Louis explains. ‘’Borrowed one from Liam.’’

‘’You want some tea?’’ Harry asks but he’s already getting up towards the kettle.

‘’Sure,’’ he sits down next to Niall and puts his head on his shoulder.

‘’What’s wrong, Lou?’’ Niall asks. Louis opens his eyes and sees Niall’s scrabble tiles.

‘’Tired,’’ Louis says before he plays with Niall’s letters. ‘’You winning?’’

‘’He keeps beating me,’’ Harry says. ‘’I keep asking for a re-match and he never takes it easy on me.’’

Louis smiles and closes his eyes.

‘’Smart lad,’’ he says before he presses a kiss to Niall’s shoulder and then rests his head back there.

He hears the sound of cutlery and plates, the wheezing of the kettle and the splash of milk on warm water. He’s not so sleepy anymore so much as bone-weary. He opens his eyes just in time for a plate laden with what looks like a chicken sandwich and slices of tomatoes on the side to appear in front of him, followed by a warm cup of tea.

‘’Here, Lou.’’ Harry says before he takes his seat back in front of Niall. ‘’Eat up.’’

He observes the game while he chews, bites off bits of the sandwich while he watches Niall kick Harry’s arse. Niall is loud and Harry is witty, comebacks so fluid between them. It’s fun, normal.

It makes him feel sane.

Liam then comes in with bags of groceries and Harry gets up to help.

‘’Lou, you wanna play?’’ Niall asks.

‘’Not really,’’ Louis says.

‘’You not hungry?’’ Niall eyes the half-eaten sandwich and the one slice of tomato left on the plate.

‘’No, I think I’ll just go back to bed.’’ Louis says as he gets up. ‘’Here, you eat up.’’

‘’Lou, your appetite has been shit lately,’’ Liam says while he folds the grocery bags for recycling. ‘’And why are you wearing my turtleneck?’’

‘’I felt cold.’’ Louis says. ‘’And I’m not hungry.’’

‘’I can make something else,’’ Harry offers.

‘’You bought cereal?’’ Louis asks Liam because he knows they won’t let this go. Liam just huffs at him.

‘’You cannot survive on cereal alone but fine. At least it will get you to eat.’’ Liam sighs as he opens a cupboard and gets out a box of coco pops.

Louis notices that Harry looks sad as he gets Louis’ mug from the table.

‘’You want another cuppa?’’ he asks. He’s lovely, Louis thinks, big kind eyes and red pouty lips, so willing to make him happy, dying for his attention.

‘’Yeah, okay.’’ Louis says, smiles when Harry beams at him.

He thanks Liam for the bowl of cereal with a light dash of milk, kisses the top of Niall’s head before he heads for his room.

He knows Harry will follow so he sits up against the bed, closes his eyes and waits.

‘’How can you eat with your eyes closed like that?’’ Harry asks when he enters the room.

‘’Just resting them for a bit.’’ Louis says. He opens his eyes when Harry sits in front of him, leg folded and warm cuppa held between his hands.

‘’I can stay all day today, my mum told me it was okay.’’ Harry says.

‘’And what do you plan on doing today?’’ Louis asks him while he spoons his cereal.

For the first time in a long time, they catch up on everything they had missed out on. Harry tells him about his classes, which one he likes, which one he doesn't. He tells Louis about his teachers and his adoptive parents. Anne’s apparently a brilliant defense attorney and a successful one too and his father is a plastic surgeon. He talks about his cat Dusty and his mates from school. Anne wanted Harry to play for the footie team like some of his mates but he wasn’t good at it and neither was he good at basketball but she was so insistent on sports that he signed up for some dad and son quality time in the country club two days a week and plays squash there. Sometimes they play golf instead or badminton. Every Friday, he goes out partying with his mates or he sometimes helps out with some school activities . Every weekend, instead of studying at home, he decided to come and spend his time with the boys.

Eventually, they talk about music and Harry takes out his phone and clicks on a playlist, which serves as background music. Louis recognizes some of Leona favourite tunes and it cocoons him in a blanket of warmth. He doesn't know if Harry knows about that but he chooses not to say anything about it.

_Embrace me, embrace me with your kind love_   
_It's all I've ever wanted, all I've ever dreamed of_   
_And all of this dreaming of silver and gold_   
_Is something to break this winter so cold_

Louis finds himself content just listening to Harry talk, voice blending well with the music. Harry’s voice still has that slow drawl to it but now his voice is deeper and it’s soothing and calming. His lips quirk up when Harry divests his hands from the empty bowl and replaces it with the tea and it wakes him up enough to answer Harry’s prodding questions.

He finds himself giving in a little but maybe it’s because Harry asks all the right questions. He asks about Niall’s bum leg, knows that Niall played it down when he’d asked. He asks how they found him, where he’s been. He asks about Zayn’s dealing problem and Louis shares his worries about him running into the wrong people and how easy it was to find them when they’d first arrived in London.

  
_And these sorrows I'm crying over_   
_And these sorrows I'm crying over_

Louis unburdens himself a bit and maybe he does it because he can’t do it with the other three; he can’t complain about the enormity of Niall’s medical bills with the boys because he cannot worry them, can’t talk about Zayn’s dealing problems because he knows it’s a sore topic and they don’t want Niall to know anything about it.

With Harry though, it’s easy to talk about all those issues because it turns out, Harry is a good listener; he always has been but it’s different now with the way he reciprocates. Before, when they were younger, it was always Louis assuring him and Harry remaining quiet. Now, he's not quiet so much as more understanding of the world around them and not just giving in to Louis' comforting words. He doesn’t offer lame suggestions or one of those over-zealous ‘you can do it!’ mantras. Instead, he lets Louis talk it out, says enough to keep the conversation going, like signs on the road to help one navigate. He lets Louis unload a bit even if he can’t say everything that he wants to say (some secrets he will take to the grave), he says enough that he feels lighter, less like there’s a lead weight on his chest.

‘’You’re the best brother anyone can have, Lou.’’ Harry says and Louis looks down and sees that they’re holding hands, or that Harry has been holding Louis’ hand but only now he holds back, folding his fingers over Harry’s palm. ‘’They’re lucky to have you.’’

‘’Hmm…’’ Louis hums, eyes focused on Harry’s hand.

‘’Can I try something?’’ Harry asks gently, enough for him to look up.

‘’What?’’ Louis says but he can tell what Harry wants; knows that look in Harry’s eyes, has been at the end of that look before. ‘’You want to kiss me?’’

‘’Want to take care of you,’’ Harry says. ‘’Want to love you.’’

‘’I’m not stopping you.’’

‘’But something is holding you back.’’ Harry says. ‘’I can tell.’’

‘’I’m just not in a place right now for a relationship, Haz.’’ Louis says honestly.

_We go straight for the thunder, straight for the rain_   
_Love leaves a mark and love leaves a strain_   
_Back in the saddle again and again_   
_Millions of eyes and none of them friends_

‘’It’s not that.’’ Harry shakes his head. ‘’I feel like you don’t want anyone to take care of you, like you got used to it but I see the way the boys are with you and how you’re tactile with them. You’re not like that with me.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’It’s like you’re afraid of us getting close, even with simple touches.’’ Harry explains. ‘’And I don’t know why.’’

‘’We’ve just been talking for hours,’’ Louis points out. ‘’I’m holding your hand. Not close enough yet?’’

‘’That’s because I pumped you full of tea,’’ Harry snorts. Whatever magic that had befallen on them breaks, like Harry knew he ought to take a step back and he did. ‘’I tricked you into holding my hand.’’

‘’What a mastermind you are,’’ Louis smiles and closes his eyes, lax in bed. He opens them when he feels lips on the back of his hand, sees Harry caressing his knuckles.

‘’Can I do my homework here?’’ Harry asks, a blush on his face. ‘’It’s just Liam had turned on the news before I came in with your tea and Niall said he will study in the kitchen.’’

‘’You can stay in Zayn and Liam’s room.’’ Even as he says it, he doesn’t want Harry to leave. ‘’More privacy.’’

‘’Nah, I’ll be gone tonight, earlier even.’’ Harry says. ‘’Want to spend some more time with you before I go.’’

‘’I’d like that,’’ Louis says and he means it.

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Go get your book bag,’’ Louis smiles.

Harry kisses the back of his hand again before he stands up. He grabs the bowl and the empty mug and heads for the door but stops, turning back to Louis.

‘’I love you,’’ Harry says, like it took him everything to be so bold.

‘’I know,’’ Louis says. It’s the only thing he can reply with and not everything he wants to say. If it was everything, he would have told Harry that he loved him too, that his heart was hurting so much, that his soul was crumbling to ash and that maybe he needed some saving.

But he says none of that.

It’s better that way.

_You better light it up, baby, you better light up that fire_   
_Cause I don't know what's gonna save me from the cold now_   
_From these sorrows I'm crying over_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song from Harry's playlist (words in italic) is Patty Griffin's, ''crying''


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning; an episode of sleep paralysis is mentioned in this chapter

_I was standing_

_All alone against the world outside_

_You were searching_   
_For a place to hide_

_Lost and lonely_   
_Now you've given me the will to survive_   
_When we're hungry, love will keep us alive_

_Don't you worry_   
_Sometimes you've just gotta let it ride_   
_The world is changing_   
_Right before your eyes_   
_Now I've found you_   
_There's no more emptiness inside_   
_When we're hungry, love will keep us alive_

-Eagles, love will keep us alive

He enjoys the day spent with his head on Harry’s shoulder while the curly-haired boy did his homework, clings to the sound of pencil on paper, eraser rubbing out answers, the press of calculator buttons and the turning of pages. He even shuffles music on Harry’s phone and closes his eyes while pressed against Harry’s side who says nothing about the proximity. But Louis catches the happiness in his eyes, the serene look on his face when he dares to take a peak.

He wonders if Harry is one of those weird kids who enjoy doing their homework.

He hopes he isn’t like that. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing homework but selfishly, Louis wishes he’s enjoying his company more.

Eventually, Zayn comes back and they have a late lunch. Louis is reluctant to leave the bed but surprisingly, he lets Harry hold his hand and walk with him towards the kitchen. No one says anything when Harry pulls a chair for Louis to sit down.

Zayn tell them that Madam Rose, the owner of the flower shop, had her friends over and Louis laughs as Zayn tells the story of how these bunch of old ladies kept doting on him and how Rose was trying to set him up with every single one of their grand-daughters that were single. In the end, it ended with them getting jealous over Zayn’s paintings and paying up front to have some of their own.

‘’Now I feel like I ought to go on all these blind dates.’’ Zayn says; frustrated as he pulls out one scrap of paper after another from his pocket, phone numbers of grand-daughters he was apparently set up with. ‘’I don’t even know these people.’’

‘’Hence it’s called a blind date.’’ Liam drones.

‘’But I don’t want to go on blind dates.’’ Zayn complains. ‘’I want to paint instead.’’

‘’Well, you should do that.’’ Louis says. ‘’They did pay you in advance after all.’’

‘’Exactly,’’ Zayn crows.

‘’At least go on a date or two, just to appease them.’’ Liam compromises. ‘’Or else they might ask for their money back.’’

‘’Are you saying they won’t like my paintings?’’ Zayn asks, shocked.

‘’They will love it,’’ Niall says, throwing Liam a withering look. ‘’And you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to.’’ He then gathers the scraps of paper and throws them in the drawer where they keep their cutlery. ‘’There now, don’t think about it.’’

Sometimes, Louis wonders if there is anything going on between them and then shudders at the thought. Zayn is bad at relationships and he wonders if Niall even had his first kiss. It’s like a disaster waiting to happen.

‘’I gotta go,’’ Harry says after he laughs at something the boys said. He puts his hand down after looking at the time on his watch before he looks up. ‘’Say, are you guys up for a day out together next weekend?’’

‘’What do you have in mind?’’ Liam asks, setting his fork down. He’s the only one still eating since he’d cooked today.

‘’Well, I was wondering if you’d like to come up to the country club, meet my parents?’’ Harry asks hesitantly. ‘’They’d like to meet you guys.’’

‘’No,’’ Louis says at once. ‘’Zayn has work and we…’’

‘’We can go after he comes back.’’ Harry says, determination in his voice but hope dwindling from his eyes. ‘’My dad can’t come to our badminton sessions this week and proposed to make it up me so I thought we could all get together. I know you guys work in the evenings during the week anyways so…’’

‘’Look, I really don’t think it’s a good idea…’’ Louis starts.

‘’Why not? We can play golf for a bit...’’

‘’Golf?’’ Niall says, perking up. ‘’I’d like to try that,’’

‘’Niall, your leg…’’

‘’What’s wrong with my leg?’’ Niall interrupts Louis. ‘’It’s not like footie, I’m not going to kick a ball or run around or something.’’

‘’And my mum really liked my birthday present,’’ Harry says. Zayn had given him a large painting depicting Leona’s house and their front garden, their childhood home painted to an almost uncanny perfection. ‘’She wants to meet the artist himself.’’

‘’Really?’’ Zayn says, eyes shining. Louis knows it has a lot to do with Harry saying the word 'artist' the sly fox.

‘’Guys, can we be rational about this?’’ Louis says, exasperated. ‘’Think about the people we’re going to run into when we get there…’’

‘’My parents go there,’’ Harry says and he looks hurt. ‘’I go there, my sister goes there. What’s wrong with spending some time in a country club?’’

Louis fish-mouths, doesn’t know how to say that there’s nothing wrong with Harry or his family going there but there’s something wrong with him, Louis, and the boys going there and how other people in the country club might not be as accommodating. Besides, what will they wear? How they will go? The country club can’t be just around the corner; they’re going to need cab money, they’re going to definitely pay an entrance fee and he has to be at Nick’s night club at 10 and …

‘’We’ll go, Harry.’’ Liam says, breaking off the tension. ‘’Just text me the time and the address and we’ll be there, yeah? Don’t worry about it.’’

Louis wants to glare at Liam for making that decision by himself but Niall starts talking excitedly about golf, grabbing Harry’s attention immediately, asking him this and that and a hundred other things. Louis catches Zayn’s eyes and sees him mouth to him what Louis thinks is, ‘’Talk later’’.

Yeah, they will talk later alright, about how they can fix Liam’s mistake and get the hell out of that invite.

Mostly, he’s upset that his day spent in bed with Harry was ruined over some stupid invite. He wishes Harry would realize that both their worlds cannot merge because if they do, they’ll collide.

Instead, he stays quiet; he doesn’t have the heart to disappoint anyone, let alone the boys and least of all, Harry.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’What were you thinking?’’ Louis asks after Harry leaves. They were a bit awkward after lunch was over and for all that it got him flustered, he was bummed when Harry didn’t give him his customary kiss in the forehead goodbye.

But that’s not the main issue right now; the main issue is finding a valid excuse as to why they can’t go to the country club.

‘’I was thinking that Niall and Zayn really want to go so,’’ Liam shrugs. They’re in the living room, waiting for the new episode of Naruto. ‘’And so do Harry and I, which means you are out-numbered.’’

‘’What? Why do you want to go?’’ Louis asks, curious.

‘’Because I want to make sure Harry is really looked after, I want to see that he’s really being taken care of and that his parents are really the great people Harry says they are.’’ Liam answers. ‘’What better way to do that than by seeing them for myself, right?’’

Louis sits back, stumped. In a way, Liam does make a valid point. Louis chose to believe Harry because he knows the boy won’t lie to him but what if he’s just covering up the situation? What if he’s just hiding the truth so that they don’t have to worry about him? What if Harry’s parents are just a bunch of rich douche-bags?

Oh shit…

''Lou, if you really don't want to go, we're cool with it.'' Zayn says. ''We can go without you.''

Now that just hurts.

''I mean...''

''It's just that we'd really like you to come,'' Zayn continues. ''It's never the same without you, man.''

''Yeah, Lou.'' Niall adds. ''We barely see you anymore.''

‘’I’m going to this thing, aren’t I?’’ Louis says warily. Screw Zayn and his devious methods of convincing. Screw Niall for taking Zayn's side as always and screw Liam and his knowledge of Louis’ weak points. Not that Harry is a weak point but Niall and Zayn really seem enthusiastic about going and they’re giving him these cute puppy-like look right now even though they usually pay attention to the opening song of the anime. They’ve heard it a million times but it still gets them going every single time. It means they really, really want to go and Louis is standing in the way.

‘’No one is forcing you,’’ Liam says, eyes on the telly, acting all indifferent the little shit. ‘’We can just tell Harry that you’re sick or something. I’m sure he’ll understand.’’

‘’I hate you so much right now.’’ Louis says, head shaking in dismay.

It’s decided; he’s going to this thing.

Damn it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

That night, Allen comes back. He ties Louis’ wrists together and fucks him while he hung from the hook, taking him from behind and then forcing Louis’ legs on his shoulders and fucking him from the front. His wrists bled from the rope burns, the pain enough to make him forget all about Harry.

He gets fucked by another man after Allen but this time face down on the bed. He never even saw who it was as Paul had come in first and put a blindfold on him, asked him not to move.

He never even heard the man’s voice, just his grunts and harsh breathing as he finished into the condom before throwing it at his back.

He left before Louis could say a word.

Who knows? Louis cannot help but think. At the rate he’s going, maybe he’ll be dead by the time next weekend comes around, wrists bleeding out, exhausted to the bone.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The week that follows is like a haven at Nick’s compared to the weekend; he doesn’t get fucked at all and the clients are not as bad now that there’s room for him to compare. He even gets a couple of lady clients who ask him to fuck them nice and slow. He wears two condoms, afraid of any unnecessary accidents and the ladies assure him that they’re on birth control. They were actually really sweet and it was easy being nice to them, easy to want to show them a good time.

It puts him in a better mood when Harry comes around on Monday after school. He’s there at 4 pm and Louis has to be at work at 5 and they get half an hour together because Louis was awake this time before Harry came.

Zayn runs out the door as soon as he opens it for Harry and Niall is in the kitchen, preparing lunch for when Liam gets home.

‘’Check this out,’’ Louis says when Harry leaves his bag by the door, awkward and avoiding Louis’ eyes. He approaches now when Louis addresses him.

‘’What?’’

‘’Zayn’s real talent.’’

Louis hadn’t even noticed. Sometimes he’d go with Zayn and buy with him art supplies and won’t complain as he hauls huge canvases or paint buckets up the stairs. The living room smells like paint fumes and he admonishes Zayn more often than not about the mess. It’s only now, as he takes a look, that he sees there is more to meet the eye.

Zayn’s drawings are a little bit odd but he’s slowly come to draw what he really wants. The paintings of scenery he’d done for the dental clinic and Madam Rose’s shop is nothing compared to what he’d given Harry for his birthday but even more out of this world compared to what he’s got spread in the living room, is nothing compared to what Louis is looking at now.

‘’Is that a picture book?’’ Harry asks, intrigued.

Louis is flipping through the pages of a huge drawing book and they’re filled with illustrations a little bit similar to that of Tim Burton’s styles but with a dash of anime in it, dark and spooky but eyes so big and wide. There are words next to the drawings and they’re not mere scribbles or calligraphy practice.

‘’I think it’s a fairy tale,’’ Louis says. It’s an unfinished work, some words crossed out and drawings slashed in frustration and repeated on the next page in a much better state, a state closer to perfection. ‘’or like, one of those stories with a moral to them.’’

‘’Yeah, it looks like a fairy tale story alright.’’ Harry says, in awe. Louis flips back to the first page, reads the title ‘’zombie boy’’ painted in gothic calligraphy. ‘’I remember he was into writing back in the day but…’’

‘’He sold his type-writer,’’ Louis says.

‘’Seriously?’’ Harry looks up at him. ‘’But mama…’’

‘’He bought Niall his pair of crutches,’’ Louis says quietly, doesn’t want Niall to hear. ‘’Said he gave up writing.’’

‘’This doesn’t look like giving up,’’ Harry says, looking back at the drawing book in Louis’ hands, traces the drawing of a frankly intimidating-looking boy drawn under the title. He’s got spiky hair and squiggly eyes, all done in black ink. ‘’This looks like a real gem.’’

‘’Yeah, he’s really talented.’’ Louis agrees. ‘’I think he’s finally found his calling.’’

Louis feels so proud; all that money spent on acrylic paint and brushes, calligraphy pens and pastel chalks, drawing books and canvases. It’s not that Zayn doesn’t pay for them, he does his best, only applies for the free courses he can find online to harness his art, watches YouTube tutorials for ideas and inspirations but neither one of them can deny that to make a work of art, obtaining the best materials for them means buying expensive things and Louis had chipped in massively because Liam knows how much the boys are desperate for his approval, how much he has a say and how much it weights with them, knows that if he says no, Zayn won’t be upset about it, will just brush his dreams aside because if Louis doesn’t condone it then he won’t question it.

Louis doesn’t want to trample on anyone’s dream, no matter how he feels about them and right now, he feels immensely proud to be a small part of Zayn’s world, to have had a hand in him finding his passion, doing what he loves, even if it means painting flowers on canvases to please some old ladies. To Louis, it’s a foot in the door now and not just a hobby or a dead end.

‘’What about you?’’ Harry asks gently. ‘’What’s your dream?’’

Louis shuts the drawing book and looks up at the clock Liam bought.

‘’I have to go soon,’’ Louis says. He’s already dressed; he just needs to grab a quick bite before he goes. Niall usually makes him a sandwich when he’d noticed that Louis will only eat a spoonful or two before he leaves.

‘’You really coming?’’ Harry stops him from entering the kitchen, his grip gentle on his elbow. ‘’To the country club next weekend?’’

‘’Yeah, don’t worry about it.’’ Louis smiles. He still doesn’t think that it’s a good idea but compared to working at Nick’s, he doesn’t think a little embarrassment or perhaps humiliation from showing up at some tea party or golf event will one up the rotting, horrible feeling he experienced at Nick’s in the weekend.

Yeah; nothing will really one up that.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The next day passes by in a blaze of snow but Zayn brings Niall to the hospital to finally take off the brace and the cast. According to the doctor, he’s going to need to start physical therapy as soon as possible and so, he signed Niall up in a nearby youth centre that specializes in leg mobility and physical recovery and he’ll be going there twice a week, four hours a day every Monday and Wednesday, for the next two months. It doesn’t coincide with his dentist’s appointment which is every Tuesday morning so that’s great.

The physical therapist told Zayn that if Niall does his exercises and is diligent every session, he’ll be able to walk without the crutches anymore come spring. Zayn had texted them on the WhatsApp group about the news but it was still odd coming home and seeing Niall in shorts in the middle of winter and crutches, all because he wanted to show that he’s no longer tied down by the heavy brace or cast. His leg, particularly his knee, sports a couple of wicked-looking scars from the surgeries and Louis laughs at the sight of his chicken legs but he’s happy all the same.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Harry texts him on his way home from the bakery on Wednesday that he won’t be able to come, citing the incoming blizzard that is all the talk in the news. Louis can feel it already, can feel the biting cold in the air and he takes a bus half-way through his walk when his teeth chatter too hard.

‘’Hey,’’ he says when he sees an incoming call from Harry and answers the call. ‘’Aren’t you at school?’’

‘’They’re letting us go home early,’’ Harry says. Louis puts his hand between his thighs as he takes a seat in the bus, trying to warm up. ‘’Are you outside?’’

‘’Taking the bus,’’ Louis says, looking out the window, it sure isn’t looking good and he’s bloody tired. The cold isn’t helping with his work schedule, with his lack of proper sleeping hours. He can’t wait for spring. ‘’Just left the bakery,’’

‘’I can hear your teeth chattering,’’ Harry says. He doesn’t sound pleased.

‘’I’ll be home soon,’’ Louis says, wrapping his arm around his middle.

‘’Okay, text me please.’’ Harry says and Louis tells him he will before he hangs up.

For all intents and purposes, Harry does act like a boyfriend, always texting him, always calling him and the thing is, he doesn’t mind. He likes it even but he feels like Harry is disregarding his all ‘not ready for a relationship right now’ talk and is dating him anyways. Louis doesn’t know how to feel about that.

By the time he gets home, it looks like the blizzard is going to be really horrid, the sky darkening and the wind howling.

‘’Hey lad,’’ Louis says when he sees Zayn sitting in front of his easel, doing an incredible painting with vivid colours and warm tones, the total opposite of the weather outside. ‘’That looks nice,’’

‘’Thanks,’’ Zayn says, hand steady with the brush. ‘’I got a call from work,’’

‘’Okay,’’

‘’The restaurant is not going to open tonight due to the weather so we get the day off,’’ Zayn announces.

‘’That’s good,’’ Louis says and then takes out his phone when he feels an incoming text buzzing in. ‘’apparently, the toy store won’t be open tonight either.’’

‘’Liam hasn’t come back yet,’’ Zayn cites. ‘’he ought to have the day off, no? It’s no good delivering pizzas in this weather.’’

Louis hums as he texts Harry that he’s made it home and feels like ice thawing around his chest when he sees his reply;

_Stay warm and toasty, love xoxo_

Fuck, Harry is totally stealth-dating him. He has to be.

‘’Can you text him?’’ Zayn asks, making Louis look up.

‘’Who?’’

‘’Liam, can you text him? Make sure he’s okay? It’s looking bad out there, man.’’ Zayn says. The curtains to the balcony are open and when Louis looks out, the sky is looking menacing.

‘’I’ll text him now,’’ Louis says but when he looks back at his phone, he sees a text from Nick, saying that the night club is giving everyone a night off due to the mad weather. It means no money from the night but it is possibly the best text Louis has ever received in ages.

‘’Did Liam send a joke or something?’’ Zayn asks when he notices Louis smiling. ‘’Tell him delivering pizza in a blizzard is not funny.’’

‘’He hasn’t replied yet,’’ Louis says and starts moving towards his room as he texts Liam to be careful and to see if he could come home and not risk it out there, work be damned.

''Lou?''

''Yeah bro?'' Louis turns back to Zayn. He sees Niall through the open space separating the kitchen and the living room, headphones in and head leaning against one hand, eyes on the laptop. It looks like he's listening to music using Zayn's headphones and mobile. Louis really needs to buy him his own phone soon.

''You seem distracted lately.''

''What?'' Louis says, leaning against the wall next to the kitchen door. ''Me? Distracted?''

''By Harry.'' Zayn clarifies. ''Whenever he's around, you disappear inside your head or you just blatantly ignore him.''

''I don't ignore him.'' Louis says. ''I just...''

''What?''

''Lately, I feel...'' Louis pauses.

''Lou, you can talk to me.'' Zayn says, putting his brush aside. ''What's wrong?''

''Is he stealth-dating me?'' Louis asks bluntly. ''Is he like...or am I just being...obtuse?''

''What makes you say that?'' Zayn inquires, turning towards him on his chair, hands clasped loosely. ''That he's dating you?''

''He told me that he told everyone at school that he has a boyfriend?''

''And he meant you?''

''Yeah, he clarified that.''

''Okay,''

''And he gives me these forehead kisses whenever I leave for work.’’

‘’Okay…’’

‘’And he texts me all the time,''

''He texts us too,'' Zayn points out.

''Yeah but does he end most of his messages with hearts and kisses?'' Louis asks, feeling like he's going crazy. ''Does he send you a text that says good morning every day and good night before he goes to sleep?''

''Um, no,'' Zayn says and notices the size of Louis' eyes, something akin to panic in them. ''I guess that means...he is stealth dating you?''

''I knew it!'' Louis crows. ''What the fuck??''

''Technically you guys never broke up.'' Zayn points out. ''Like, if I recall, you were very much an item before you got separated, labelled a relationship or not, you were exclusive.''

''But I told him I'm not ready for a relationship now.'' Louis explains. ''I haven't even taken him on a bloody date.''

''Do you want to?''

''What?''

''Take him on a date?''

''I said I don't have time for that!'' Louis snaps.

''Then make time,'' Zayn shrugs, picking up his brush again.

Louis deflates.

''It's not that easy,''

''Is it because of work or are you scared?'' Zayn says, eyes on his canvas, dipping his paint brush in something blue.

''Why would I be scared?'' Louis swallows.

''I don't know; maybe you feel like you're not good enough for him anymore and if that's true, then maybe you need Liam to knock some sense into you.''

Louis sighs. ''You know what? I'm tired. I can't deal with this right now.''

''Lou...''

‘’Hey guys!’’ Louis stops in his track as the door opens, Liam coming in with a big smile on his face and two boxes of pizza in his hand. ‘’I’m home.’’

‘’You got the day off?’’ Niall asks, coming out of the kitchen where he was studying. He’s got Zayn’s headphones around his shoulders, attached to Zayn’s phone which is sticking out of his hoodie pocket.

‘’I sure did; boss man gave everyone two boxes of pizzas.’’ Liam says as he starts untying his boots. ‘’Let’s eat, yeah?’’

‘’Save some for me, I’m knackered.’’ Louis yawns on his way to the bedroom.

''Lou?''

''Yeah?'' Louis turns back to Zayn begrudgingly.

''I know what Harry sees in you,'' Zayn says after he approaches him, making sure the boys in the kitchen can't hear them.

''And what's that?''

''A great friend,'' Zayn answers. ''A selfless, kind, loving and brave person. Who wouldn’t want to date you?''

'Me,'' Louis snorts. ''I wouldn’t want to date me, that's for sure.''

''Well, lucky for you, Harry has better perspective,'’ Zayn pats his shoulder.

''What do I do?'' Louis sighs. '’I can't exactly let him keep dating me. He'll just get hurt and talking won't do. I've tried,''

''If anyone is going to hurt him, it's you.'' Zayn says. ''And if anyone is going to hurt you, it's you.''

''What's that supposed to mean?''

''It means you should stop denying what you want.'' Zayn replies. ''Stop denying that you don't have feelings for Harry anymore. He wouldn't try this hard if he thought you were over him because you're not. I know you're not and guess what? You and Harry getting together, is easier than Niall going to uni or me getting my big break as an artist. You’re meant to be together, no matter the circumstances.''

Louis doesn't know how Zayn can know all that, doesn’t know how Zayn can conclude all that just from a few interactions with Harry.

‘’Niall will go to uni.’’ Louis says, focusing on what he knows is certain. ‘’And you will get your big break and Liam will be a fireman some day and…’’

‘’And you and Harry will be together.’’ Zayn interrupts him.

‘’Right…’’ he snorts tiredly. What he wants, what he hopes for, is different from what he can get, what he can make come true. He doesn’t blame Zayn for being blind to that though. It’s not like he’ll ever fully understand.

''Go to sleep, you look dead on your feet.'' Zayn says softly, finally cutting him some slack.

''Yeah,''

''Zayn, you coming?'' Niall calls from the door to the kitchen.

''Coming Ni.'' Zayn says before he pats Louis' shoulder again.

‘’Sweet dreams, Lou.’’ Niall calls.

Louis takes his customary shower and it just makes him drowsier that by the time he crawls to bed with his wet hair, he’s dead asleep, flat on his back and all thoughts of Harry disappear like footsteps in a blizzard.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He wakes up in increments, body clock used to the hour. He knows he’d turned off his alarm for the day since he wanted to sleep for as much as he can but apparently, he’s just too used to it already despite his exhaustion.

It’s quiet, save for the howling of the wind, which is strange since there is no window in his room. The blizzard must’ve finally hit.

He opens his eyes, expecting to see the ceiling and instead sees Allen on top of him.

‘’W…’’ his eyes widen, not sure if he’s really seeing the man. Is he in the room? Did Nick change his mind about work? Did he fall asleep in the middle of a session?

‘’Beautiful,’’ Allen croons, eyes tracing over his face. ‘’You’re my favourite baby doll, my favourite fuck toy, Lewis.’’

Louis can’t move. Oh, he thinks. He must be tied to the bed this time but he’s not sure how; he can feel his arms by his side. He can feel his legs flat on the bed.

The thing is though, one moment he feels clothes on him and the next they're gone. He doesn't even think he's blinked. Oh right; he's usually already naked before a session start. How did he forget that?

But he's sure he made it under the blankets, sure he just took a shower but he feels so cold already, feels Allen lift his legs, big hands under his thighs, thrusting in.

‘’N…’’ he cannot speak, there must be rope jammed in his mouth. Allen likes rope on him, says it makes him look pretty. He still tries to speak though because there’s something wrong. Allen cannot be here; cannot be in his room, in his bed.

‘’Don’t say no,’’ Allen warns, face an inch on top of his. Louis cannot breathe; tries to thrash, to dislodge the weight on his chest but he’s immobile, he can’t even move his head side to side. ‘’Don’t you ever say no to me.’’

Louis feels like he’s falling apart at the seams with fright because Allen is not just on top of him, he’s floating above him and that can't be right. Maybe that’s the darkness in the room playing a trick on him, maybe he’s not seeing clearly from the tears flooding his eyes.

‘’Pl…’’ he tries to beg. He cannot breathe; feels a familiar tightening to his neck, feels blunt nails digging in. Allen’s eyes look pleased with glee, black orbs making his face look cruel and tips of his smile like a crescent moon.

‘’Beautiful toy,’’ Allen says and Louis doesn’t understand how he’s being fucked when Allen is hovering above him like that, like a ghost.

Louis screams and screams but no sound comes out. It just gets worse when Allen spreads his fingers, nails scratching down his collarbones, his chest, digging into his pectorals.

''Scream, babe. You know how much I love it when you scream.'' Allen says, sickly sweet, his nose bumping into his. ''Or do you want me to choke it out of you? Hmm? You like that, don’t you?''

Louis shakes his head or tries to at least and he keeps trying to scream, body shivers erupting as Allen reaches for his neck again, thrusts getting out of control.

''Next time, I'll fuck you bare till you bleed out,'' Allen says, black orbs expanding until it is all he sees. ‘’Fuck you till you’re painted in red; like art.’’

His chest caves in as the bed shakes, muscles in his throat falling apart, gasping for air. He wants to move, wants to push Allen away but he can’t. He can’t….

''Lou?''

He can't breathe...

''Louis!''

He's going to die now. He's going to die....

''Lou!''

He blinks once and opens his eyes to Harry.

Shit, what is he doing here?

''Lou!'' Harry shakes him roughly and he feels that, feels clothes on his skin, feels Harry's hands gripping his forearms, no rope between them. ''Stop shouting! What's wrong? Lou!''

Harry pulls him up and Louis screams in fright. He tries to push him the moment he sits up. He can’t be here. Harry cannot be in the room.

''Get out!'' he shouts, pushing harshly against Harry's chest.

''Stop shouting! It's just me!''

''Run please, please!'' but Harry doesn’t budge and Louis just wails in a full-on panic, screams in frustration and he's sure he's frightening Harry, can feel it in the way he’s holding him, hands shaky and he wants to comfort him, wants him to stay, wants him to leave, wants to be held by him…..

''Shh, shh, it's alright, it's okay,'' Harry gathers him to his chest, hold strong and unwavering when Louis tries one more attempt to push him away but his strength gives out on him, fails him.

He hopes that Allen is gone and not hiding in a corner. The thought scares the living shit out of him and he cannot help but burrow into Harry’s chest.

He’s just so afraid.

...........................................................................

Harry notices that Louis is not even aware that he's gripping his sweater so Harry knows he did the right thing by hugging him, by keeping him in his embrace, by letting him cry frightfully into his chest.

He'd surprised the boys by coming by, says that he's sure the blizzard won't hit fully till tonight and he wanted to come by before it does, says his parents allowed him to stay the night since there won't be school the next day. He didn’t tell Louis; wanted it to be a surprise and texted Zayn instead.

They told him that Louis was sleeping when he'd arrived but he didn’t mind Louis resting, he wanted him to rest as much as he can anyways. So as not to disturb him, they decided to watch a movie on Niall's laptop in the other bedroom.

Harry then suggested making hot chocolate for everyone so they decided to stop the movie and wait for him....

Harry can hear them laughing, can hear them discussing the movie. It's a Christopher Nolan one and it's got a complicated plot but as their arguing got louder, so did the sound of whimpering coming from Louis' room.

He leaves the coco powder on the table so he can go to investigate. The door of the other bedroom is closed and the boys are deep in their arguing so Harry doesn't think they will notice his delayed absence as he approaches the other room.

Upon opening the door, the whimpers get louder and from the light spilling into the room from the hallway, he can see that Louis' eyes are wide open, looking at the ceiling. His arms are by his side, legs stuck together but his chest is heaving, like he's having some sort of asthma attach or something.

''Lou?''

Louis doesn’t respond though but the whimpering gets more frantic. Harry rushes towards the bed but Louis still doesn’t budge.

''Louis!''

He looks frightened out of his mind, looking at something beyond Harry but when Harry looks up at the ceiling, there's nothing there.

''Lou!'' he touches him, shakes him roughly and Louis blinks at him, whimpers now louder…

Now, he's feeling him in his arms, all compact and small, whole and clinging to him. Louis is all passed out but his grip on his sweater is still tight, like he's afraid to let go even in his unconscious state.

He'd freaked out when Louis screamed at him, like he forgot he wasn't dreaming anymore but sitting up, losing it over something Harry wishes he knew what it was, made him stay instead of leave, made him get on the bed, legs crossed and using his bigger size to encompass Louis into his arms.

He holds Louis now, holds him gently. One hand of Louis' falls limp, still trying to hold on even now and Harry gathers his hand and keeps it from falling.

He's still shaking, little tremors rolling off of him in waves. Harry wants to keep holding him until he's still and breathing evenly.

''Harry?''

He twists his neck and sees Liam by the door.

''Shh,'' Harry whispers. ''He's sleeping,''

''Yeah, I know.'' Liam says, confused. ''I thought you turned on the telly. Came to tell you to lower the volume but you weren't outside.''

''Oh,''

''Why are you holding Louis up?'' Liam asks, entering the bedroom but leaving the door open. ''I thought you got bored of the movie.''

''No, I...''

''Is he crying?'' Liam asks, looking closely at Louis' face. Harry looks down and even now, he can see that Louis' face is restless.

''He was,'' Harry says. ''And I didn't turn on the telly. Louis was screaming.''

''What?'' Liam says, shocked. ''That was him?''

''Yeah, I think he was having a bad dream. I came to wake him up but he was frightened out of his mind. Scared me a bit.''

''Fuck,'' Liam says. He then extends a hand and starts rubbing Louis' back gently. ‘’This isn’t the first time.’’

‘’Wait, really?’’

‘’Yeah, I don’t think he’s aware of it.’’ Liam says, eyes focusing on his task, rubbing up and down Louis’ back in long strokes. ‘’He got sick a while back, before you showed up, tossed and turned in bed at night, mumbling things and then crying out in fright before going back to sleep. I think it was just the fever.’’

‘’He’s not sick now though,’’ Harry says and he’s pretty sure Louis wasn’t tossing or turning in bed, more like he was unable to.

‘’No, he isn’t.’’ Liam sighs and he looks worried.

Harry only notices that he's rocking Louis a little bit and he tries to hide it by wrapping both arms around Louis' waist, hands locking by his hip.

''He sleeps at odd hours,'' Liam says; eyes sad. ''And he's losing weight, I can tell. He never has any appetite anymore.''

Harry leans his chin against Louis' bed head while he looks at Liam.

‘’Maybe he is coming down with something.’’

''Hmm, he's still shaking,'' Liam notes.

''Yeah, can you get another blanket?'' Harry asks. ''I'll lay him down, tuck him in.''

''Okay,'' Liam rubs Louis' back some more before he gets up.

''Wake up soon, love.'' Harry cannot help but whisper before he lays Louis back down. He brings the blanket up to just below Louis' chin and then, caresses his hair gently.

''Wish I know what's hurting you,'' he says and masks his words with a cough when Liam re-enter the room.

''This will do,'' Liam says as he spreads the thick wool blanket over Louis. ''He's always so cold these days.''

''He's still wearing your turtle neck,'' Harry notes.

''Yeah, he basically stole it from me,'' Liam chuckles fondly. ''I bought him some new ones and Niall is knitting him some scarves but he likes that one the most. Don’t know why.''

''You guys are his comfort.'' Harry says simply. ''You mean the world to him.''

''You too,'' Liam says. ''You mean the world to him too.''

''Doesn't feel that way sometimes.''

''You must be blind then,'' Liam snorts. ''He loves you so much, Harry. You don’t even know.’’

‘’That’s the worst part.’’ Harry says. ‘’You see, I do know which is why I don’t know why’s he’s holding back on me. It makes me think that maybe he doesn’t think I’m worth the effort anymore.’’

‘’Look, I know what it’s like when Louis loves someone. I see it in the way he is with Niall, with Zayn, with me. He gives us his everything even if he's got nothing left. He puts more effort into his affections more than anyone I know.''

''What does he give me then?'' Harry cannot help but wonder bitterly. He knows the boys don't know that they haven't really stayed in touch and he won't break Louis' trust no matter how much it hurt that Louis forgot about him, that Louis chose to forget about him. ‘’Huh? He gave me his word before, gave me false promises. What about now? Where are his efforts towards me now that I’m here?’’

''He didn’t just give you his word back then, Harry. He gave you his entire heart,'' Liam argues. ''He knew you needed it back then and he gave it to you, no questions asked and he hasn't gotten it back since. Because you've been holding it for him this whole time, yeah?’’

‘’Liam…’’

‘’Just tread softly with it. That's all I can ask because if you don’t, next he'll give you his soul and if you lose that, if you trample on that, there will be nothing left. He'll be gone, just an empty shell.''

Harry isn't sure if Liam knows the depth of his feelings for Louis. Back then in mama's house, he already loved Louis with all his heart and maybe he thought that the love he had for him then is the same love he has for him now.

But Louis is not the same boy back then and he's been finding that hard to accept until tonight, until the last few days really.

Louis is all rough edges now and they need smoothing. He's all skin and bones and he needs someone to fatten him up. He's all tight smiles and dim eyes and he needs someone to elicit a belly laugh out of him.

Mostly, he needs someone to take care of him; the way that he’s silently screaming for it, begging for someone to sooth whatever hold is gripping him. He sees that in the tired set of his shoulders, in the way he carries himself, in the way he disregards his dreams and talks of his ambitions.

Every time Louis leaves the apartment when he comes around, it's like he doesn’t just put on his shoes or jacket but an armour and a shield, a wall to protect him and when he comes back home, that's the only time his guard is down, the only time he can relax.

And that's all that Harry wants; he wants to smooth his rough edges, feed him full, crack a genuine smile out of him, make his eyes light up the way they used to when they'd kiss. He wants him to laugh even if it’s on his account.

Mostly he doesn’t want Louis to be alone, wants to be there when he opens up, the way he did in the weekend, wants Louis to talk to him, to lay down his armour, his shield and open his arms wide without having to be afraid.

''Do you think I'm good for him?'' Harry asks. ''Me being around...does it help?''

''It does,'' Liam answers. ''You just have to be patient, that's all. He's gotten used to not relying on anyone, not even me sometimes and it will take a while for him to realize that he can rely on others, ask others for help. When that happens, he'll realize that he can also love again. Not that he ever stopped, I seriously don't think he's aware that he's never stopped loving you.''

''You're so sure of this.'' Harry observes.

''I know Louis.'' Liam shrugs. ''I’ve known him for years. Trust me, you're making all the right moves, you just need to be a little bit more patient. That's all.''

Harry sighs; patience it is then. For Louis, he'll do anything, anything but letting him go. He honestly doesn’t think he can do that.

....................................................................................................

Harry leaves Louis be, leaves him asleep in the room once his breathing has gone even and steady but he keeps the door open, light from the hallway spilling in. The boys decide to watch a movie in the living room to draw Louis out of his long slumber.

It works and Harry doesn’t say anything as Louis stands behind the arm chair where Zayn is sat, looking all groggy and rumpled.

''Hey Lou,'' Liam says, like nothing's amiss. ''Harry drove here right before the blizzard hit and he's going to sleep over. Isn't that great?''

Louis just nods, hands tucked into his hoodie donned over his turtleneck.

''I'm going to make some more hot chocolate,'' Niall says before he jumps to the kitchen.

Harry keeps his eyes on the screen of the telly and keeps still when Louis joins him on the sofa. He's sat in the middle and the sofa dips slightly under Louis' weight.

He stays still as Louis leans his head on his shoulder.

''Thank you,'' Louis says quietly, words only meant for him, lost in the cacophony of the characters jumping from one dream to another in Nolan's world.

''I got you, Lou.'' Harry says before he lifts one arm and allows Louis to cuddle in.

They spend the rest of the night like that, glued to each other's side.

.........................................................................................................

The blizzard breaks the night of the following day and once again, all the boys are given the day off since there are shops and buildings outside that are all snowed in, streets covered in thigh-deep snow.

Louis spends the day cooking with Harry. Or rather Harry spends the day learning from the master himself.

He teaches Harry how to make banana cake for breakfast, telling Harry that Leona’s secret to making the cake all soft is adding bicarbonate of soda. The boys enjoy it but Louis enjoys the company more.

For lunch, Harry is right there with him awaiting instructions like an overzealous student.

''The trick to making the vegetables so crispy is by dropping them in the fire while they're still freshly out of the freezer,'' Louis says as he stirs the green peppers, carrots and onions in the sauce. ''That way, they don't go soft when you serve them.''

''Oh, that's a good tip.'' Harry says. He's actually got a pad out, taking notes.

The boys are sat behind them at the kitchen table, playing scrabble.

After lunch, they watch a movie and then Niall prepares some sandwiches for Harry to take with him when the storm finally lets up a bit.

''I think you should just go from here to school,'' Liam suggests. ''I don't think you should drive in this weather, not tonight at least.''

''Yeah, I agree.'' Zayn says. ''You can shower here and borrow some clothes if you'd like.''

To be fair, Harry doesn’t want to leave either. Louis is tucked into him where they're sat squeezed on the arm chair, sleeping and using his chest as a pillow. Harry doesn’t want to leave him and with that, the decision comes easy.

''I'll text Anne,'' Harry yields. He can just tell her to meet him in front of school tomorrow with some of the books he'll need. Besides, he'd done all his homework and all his online assignment the school sent to make up for the two days there were no classes.

When Anne reluctantly agrees due to the weather still not being all that stable, Harry just smiles and goes back to holding Louis in his arms.


	11. 11

_Little by little_

_Step by step,I see you_

_Even when you don’t talk_

_I think I can hear you_

_I was looking for a place to rest_

_So I came all this way_

_And I’m so thankful that it’s you_

_On any day_

_You excite me_

_Even your smallest expressions_

_Make my heart flutter..._

  
-Cheeze, little by little

''Lou, is this okay?''

He and Niall are in their room, dressing up for the country club outing. They don’t really have much in terms of options, even though Liam had stopped by the thrift store and bought them some new outfits. Louis is glad that Liam had bought some turtle neck sweaters for him but it’s not really his thing so he’ll just go for a button-up. He’s contemplating putting on a tie when Niall enters the room. They only have two mirrors in the apartment, one that Zayn had bought for himself and the one in the bathroom. Since Zayn is hogging his mirror, he, Liam and Niall are running back and forth between the bathroom and their rooms as they dress up.

‘’Niall, I told you already, you can’t wear Zayn’s leather jacket to this thing!’’ Louis says exasperatedly. All that Niall’s changed out of his outfit are his shoes.

‘’But it’s cool!’’ Niall argues.

‘’And not appropriate.’’ Louis concludes. ‘’You can’t play golf wearing that, love.’’

‘’What do I wear then?’’ Niall whines. ‘’You said mama’s sweaters are too lumpy, you said hoodies are way too informal. What do I wear, Lou?’’

‘’Look, go ask Zayn…’’

‘’He’s styling his hair!’’ Niall actually stomps his foot.

‘’Don’t get fussy with me.’’ Louis warns.

‘’Do I go naked then?’’

‘’Go ask Zayn,’’ Louis insists. ‘’He’s the artist here, he’ll dress you up.’’

‘’Fine.’’ Niall says before he stomps his way out of the bedroom. ‘’You’re no fun.’’

Louis chuckles as he heads to the bathroom. He holds up two ties to his chest, both of which are actually part of Zayn’s uniform as a server in the restaurant, one red and one black. The thing is; he’s already wearing a full-on black ensemble; one button-up black denim shirt, buttons closed up to his neck and down to his wrists and skinny black jeans with vans knock off that Liam had found on discount. He wonders if the black tie is too much of an over kill.

‘’You look dashing,’’ Harry says, leaning against the door.

He’d driven in a couple of hours earlier and sat out in the living room, doing his homework while they prepared themselves, insistent on driving them to the country club. Louis was a bit disappointed that he left this morning to spend some time with his friends instead of staying for breakfast. After all, he did sleep over like he did last weekend.

‘’I think I need to fix my hair,’’ Louis says before he brings up the red tie to his chest, lowering the black one. ‘’Although I don’t think I have time for that.’’

‘’I like it like that,’’ Harry says.

Louis cannot look at him; for one they shared the bed last night because Louis didn’t want him sleeping out in the living room and two, he’d woken up right before dawn to Harry holding him tightly to his chest, sharing one pillow. To be honest, it was the best sleep he’s ever had since he’d left mama’s house. He was so toasty warm and cocooned in Harry’s embrace that he’d turned around and cuddled into him before he went back to sleep, only to wake up and find that Harry was gone.

‘’I think I’ll go with the black one,’’ Louis clears his throat.

‘’You don’t need either one,’’ Harry chuckles, entering the bathroom and ridding him of the ties. ‘’It’s not that type of place.’’

‘’You sure?’’ Louis asks as Harry turns him so that they’re standing in front of each other, face to face.

‘’I’m sure but hold still,’’ Harry says. Louis tries not to flush as Harry gently reaches out and starts fixing his fringe, brushing his strands loosely through his long fingers, sweeping his hair to the side and over his forehead.

He’s already dressed up in loose beige trousers and a moss-green sweater with a white shirt underneath. Louis saw his black coat outside, saw his brown leather boots. He looks effortlessly handsome and it’s strange, how the Harry he’d first met; clinging to his rucksack and following him around the house with hunched shoulders was the same boy standing in front of him right now.

‘’Much better,’’ Harry says, hands on his shoulder.

Louis swallows as he stares at Harry, finding his eyes staring back at him.

_Love it when you look at me. Your eyes speak volumes_

He remembers Allen telling him that and he wonders what Harry sees looking into his. Does he see a hollow toy? Does he see feelings in his eyes? Can Harry understand the depth of his soul just by looking at him, rather than hearing words that Louis cannot find the strength to say?

‘’I love you so much,’’ Harry says in gentle earnestness, brush of his eyebrows swooping like a caress. ‘’I love you more now than I ever did back in mama’s house when I’d first kissed you. Can’t you tell?’’

If only he could turn back the hands of time, he would. Louis wishes with all his heart to return back to that one perfect day, before Leona passed away, when they were walking home from school, Harry tucked under his arms, stealing kisses behind the canteen and tucking notes into each other’s books only to find them in class or in their lockers. He would've been living a different life if mama hadn't died. He would've had the chance to suddenly wake up one day only to find that Harry had hit his growth spurt. Perhaps, they would even dress together on their way to a date night after spending all day just kissing him...

‘’I…’’ Louis exhales. ‘’I don’t know what I did to deserve this…’’

‘’Louis,’’ Harry interrupts him. ‘’You were and still are just yourself...your absolute radiant, brilliant, kind selfless self and I love you. ’’

‘’I have nothing to offer…’’

‘’Doesn’t matter…’’

‘’I have nothing to give you, nothing to…’’

‘’Doesn’t matter to me.’’ Harry cups his face gently between his large warm hands. ‘’Because I was told you gave me your entire heart and that I apparently never gave it back to you and that’s worth everything to me.’’

‘’You won’t give it back?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Do you want me to?’’

And that’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it? This would have been easier if Louis didn’t still love him, didn’t still want him this whole time. If only Harry knew that his heart is torn to shreds. If he’d just take a closer look, he’d notice it tied down with ropes, hung on a hook, left to bleed out dry and every time Harry holds him, he only mends him just a little before he’s torn apart again but it’s like a drug, that feeling of being held together just for a little while, that feeling of cocooned warmth and lying one’s weary head on a chest that encases a strong beating heart, a heart that wants him regardless of his imperfections.

‘’It’s safer with you,’’ Louis says. ‘’Sheltered from the storm and all.’’

‘’I tread softly when I hold it.’’ Harry says, a sweet smile lifting his lips up.

Louis knows he does; knows that there’s no one more competent, more loving than Harry out there, always facing blizzards head on, always set on proving people wrong, set on keeping his promises.

‘’And you know,’’ Harry continues, taking a small step closer. ‘’I kiss softly too. I can remind you.’’

‘’Is that right?’’ Louis bites his lower lip, sees Harry zero in on it.

‘’You forgot, I know.’’ Harry says. ‘’I can show you if you want. Help you remember?’’

‘’Hm,’’ Louis’ eyes fall on Harry’s lips and he finds himself losing himself to it, hands coming up and holding Harry’s hips. Of all the things he shed, he didn’t shed his love handles, still got some baby fat there and its one of Louis’ favourite things about Harry.

‘’Boys, let’s go!’’ Liam calls out, making them jump apart. ‘’Harry, aren’t we gonna be late?’’

Louis lets go of Harry’s hips and takes a look in the mirror. He’s flushed, he knows that and he’s trying to will it away.

‘’Coming,’’ Harry calls back, voice shaky.

‘’I think my hair’s all good,’’ Louis says, nods at himself in the mirror and then turns around, Harry following behind him a minute later.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

They keep up a pleasant conversation in the car as they drive into a bit of London traffic. Louis is sat in the passenger seat and the three boys are in the back.

Louis doesn’t know what’s gotten into him but Harry’s hand is right there; palm up over the console and he doesn’t know if that’s a signal or not.

You see, he’s never properly dated. Yes, he’s 20 now but life was in the way so any possibility of a dating life was annulled. Therefore, he doesn’t know if a potential significant other, placing his hand palm up over the console, is grounds for holding it.

Perhaps he needs to read up on dating tips. He’s going to have to ask Liam about that.

Fuck, why is he even thinking about dating Harry?

‘’Wow, this looks nice.’’ Niall says. The neighbourhood they’re in is definitely much different from their neighbourhood. they pass big houses with beautiful gardens out front, all spaced out nicely for privacy. Louis notices that even the people milling about are different; all dressed up warm and nice, some even walking their dogs. Hell, even the dogs are dressed nice. Is that a new trend?

‘’We’re almost there now,’’ Harry announces and Louis almost startles when he grabs his hand.

He looks up and sees Harry looking straight ahead. Louis looks at the front mirror and notices that the boys are all gazing outside the window, not noticing anything amiss.

‘’Don’t be nervous,’’ Harry whispers to him before he pecks the back of his hand quickly and places it back on his thigh, both hands now on the wheel.

Louis looks out the window, and rubs the back of his hand from the goose bumps erupting there.

He does relax a little bit but only because Harry is beside him. He wouldn’t ever go near such a place if he didn’t have Harry with him and the thought is nice, a big massive comfort.

Soon, they join a row of cars and Louis can tell that the country club is big, like a mansion turned country club. He can see people drinking cocktails on balcony floors, can hear peals of laughter and a general buzz in the air. The people leaving the cars up ahead are surprisingly decked out in light tones of colour, a mix between beige and white, clothes in pastels and soft shades of the spectrum.

Louis looks back at the boys and realizes that he hadn’t noticed what they were wearing before they left and now that he’s looking, he wants Harry to turn the car back around.

Zayn is wearing a dark maroon jumper and skinny jeans ripped at the knees with combat boots. Liam is wearing a grey jumper and ripped blue jeans with black boots on and Niall…

‘’For god’s sake, Niall, I told you not to wear that!’’ Louis turns around, seat-belt holding him back.

‘’Zayn said he was okay with it!’’ Niall says. He’s wearing Zayn’s leather jacket on top of a white shirt and skinny black jeans and white converse shoes.

‘’Do you see anyone around you wearing a leather jacket?’’ Louis hisses. To be fair, they look like a rag-tag boyband, their tones all dark compared to everyone else’s wardrobe.

‘’Leave him alone, Lou.’’ Zayn says, face disapproving. ‘’At least he’s not wearing the flag of Ireland.’’

‘’Or the red and beige Christmas sweater that mama knitted for him.’’ Liam shudders.

‘’See? This is my best look!’’ Niall says in his defense.

‘’You look amazing, Nialler.’’ Harry says, smiling at him in the mirror. ‘’Don’t worry about it.’’

Louis huffs; he has a feeling the words are more for his benefit than Niall’s and hates that no one is taking his side. But there’s no time to stew on it as a valet steps up next to Harry.

‘’Let’s go, boys.’’ Harry says pleasantly before he opens the car door. Louis takes a deep breath and steps out of the car. He can see fairly lights by the entrance of the night club and a waiter serving oeuvres to those entering. He wonders if it’s free food and then immediately shuts that thought; he’ll have to pay close attention to Niall.

‘‘You okay bro?’’ Louis looks at Niall and sees him adjusting his crutches under his armpits. Zayn fixing his leather jacket.

‘’I’m good,’’ Niall smiles. He got his first set of braces on his top, front row teeth two weeks ago and has only recently started feeling less like his jaws were getting crushed. Louis feels bad instantly; he ought to let Niall have fun regardless of what he wears.

‘’Shall we?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Lead the way,’’ Louis says on their behalf and they follow one step behind him. Niall seems to be doing okay, has gotten a handle on his crutches weeks ago and Liam and Zayn are walking beside him so he walks in front of them and scours his surroundings.

There are a few grand steps up ahead and he starts noticing people looking at them, looking at him. He wonders what they’re thinking, saying…

‘’They’re with me, Josh.’’ He hears Harry say and turns to the left and sees a man greeting Harry by the door. ‘’My parents are expecting them.’’

‘’Personal guests?’’ the so-called Josh says and he’s eyeing them up and down.

‘’Yes, I’m sure my father has already settled it?’’ Harry says.

‘’Friends from school?’’ Josh asks, eyes making a final unpleasant swoop before looking at Harry.

‘’My brothers to be more accurate.’’ Harry says before he points ahead. ‘’Are they upstairs?’’

‘’Yes, sat by the left-wing balcony, fourth floor.’’ Josh says, faux cheerful. ‘’Have a great night.’’

Harry doesn’t reply as he guides them towards the lifts.

‘’Where’s the golf course, Haz?’’ Niall asks. He’s rather loud and people who join them in the lift look at him with perfectly manicured eyebrows raised.

‘’You’ll see it soon,’’ Harry chuckles. ‘’The view out back is amazing.’’

Louis cannot focus on what Harry is saying because he’s too busy trying not to reach out and pinch the old lady and her husband who are with them in the lift. He wants to pluck their eyebrows and slap their faces to the side to get them to stop looking at them like they’re scum. Besides, who comes to a country club decked in pearls and a heavy-looking fur coat? The man is even smoking a pipe in the lift. Isn’t that dangerous?

Thank goodness they finally arrive at their destination and he’s glad that when they step out, the obnoxious-looking couple head the opposite way.

‘’This way,’’ Harry guides them down a semi-long hallway with a chandelier hanging in the middle and to a gold-plated set of double doors that is wide open.

‘’What a pompous place,’’ Zayn whispers in his ear. Louis snorts.

‘’Tell me about it,’’ he’s glad he’s not the only one feeling like a sore thumb standing out.

‘’Guys, there they are!’’ Harry says and points to a big massive table.

The dining hall they are in is covered in ceiling high glass windows. On one side is a bar with a long counter and on the other side are booths and tables spread about but the best part about the room is the view outside the windows.

Golf course after gold course are lined up as far as the eye can see, fields of green with flags and golf carts, lit up with lamp posts and fairy lights. Louis can even see a pool in a glass house off the side, people swimming and drinking in Jacuzzis, kids playing around in the mini pool. On the other side of the golf course is an outdoor café, also encased in a glass box. It’s like a whole other world.

‘’Harry, glad you made it!’’ Louis looks up and sees a stout man with a pair of circular glasses and short-crop hair, leaning away from the table as Harry bends down for a hug.

Next to him is a frankly drop-dead gorgeous woman with tresses of black hair, green rabbit eyes and a perfectly-sloped nose.

‘’Hi dad,’’ Harry says before he turns around and gives Anne a kiss on the cheek. There are two ladies sitting on Anne’s side, one that looks like her and another one who is blonde and right now, eyeing him from head to foot.

Oh boy.

‘’Mum, this is Louis.’’

Louis blinks up and sees the beautiful woman standing in front of him. She’s a short woman, wearing a beige cashmere sweater and white slacks, feet encased in white flat shoes.

‘’Hi Louis,’’ she says, voice warm and genuine, eyes alight.

‘’Hi ma’am.’’ Louis stutters out. ‘’..I-I mean good evening.’’

‘’Stop it with the ma’am, darling.’’ Anne chastises and then opens her arms to him. ‘’And come give me a hug.’’

Someone gives him a push from the back –he thinks it might be Zayn- and he finds himself between one blink to the next wrapped up in Anne’s arms.

She smells like mama’s lemon ice-tea, something citrusy in her scent and suddenly his knees feel weak. If not for Anne’s strong hold on him, he thinks he might’ve choked on his memories.

‘’It’s so nice to finally meet you,’’ Anne says, voice like a song-bird.

‘’You too,’’ Louis manages to say, manages to actually hug her back.

It goes on for a while and he only steps back when Anne lets him go and then she does the same with the others, hugging them tight and long, even rocking Niall a bit; rubbing her hand up and down his back.

He’s never been hugged like that before and is almost in daze as he shakes hands with Robin Styles, Gemma styles and Gemma’s friend Chelsea.

‘’Have a seat, please.’’ Anne says, waving her hands as they pull up chairs and spread out around the rectangular table. Harry grips his elbow and pulls a chair for him right next to him. Zayn ends up sat next to Chelsea, Liam at the other end of the table opposite Robin and Anne, and Niall next to Louis. Anne had switched seats and is now sat next to Harry, both her and Robin sat on the other head of the table, which is wide enough for no elbows to bump against each other. The tablecloth is pristine and the menus look expensive and not the greasy ones he's seen in Nandos.

‘’Harry here has told me so much about you,’’ Anne says. She gives the kind of air of someone who is a great conversationalist, a veteran hostess of massive parties and a confident spokeswoman. He sees it in her mannerisms, in the way that she waves the waiter over without even breaking eye contact. ‘’And I have to say, he told me you were really handsome but I didn’t think you were this good-looking, love.’’

Louis chuckles nervously and so do the boys although its more in a teasing way but Harry flushes beetroot red.

‘’Mum, you said you wouldn’t do this,’’ he whines.

‘’Oh c’mon; they’re practically family, not strangers.’’ Anne tots and hearing her say that makes something warm pool inside his chest. Family, she said. She sees them as family.

‘’Anyways, what will you boys have?’’ Anne says, gesturing that they open their menus. Louis looks down and then hears a bang, making him lift his head up.

‘’Sorry, sorry,’’ Niall apologizes profusely but Zayn gets up before he can and picks up Niall's crutches from the floor.

‘’Here love, just put them against the window, there we go,’’ Anne says as she points behind Zayn like nothing’s a miss, like they hadn’t just startled the people around them. ‘’Lovely drawings, you did that?’’

Zayn takes a seat and tells Anne about his work. Louis can tell the boys are putting up a brave front and he’s immensely proud of them but he’s also glad that for all that she looks like an intimidating woman, Anne is far from it and so is her family. Robin is kind and engaging, Chelsea and Gemma are in a bit of a stilted but nice conversation with Liam and Niall and so far it looks like everything is going smoothly.

They soon look at the menus so that they can order but for the life of him, he doesn’t know what to get. Everything looks fucking expensive.

‘’What do you boys want to order?’’ Anne says, excitedly. ‘’My treat.’’

Louis looks up, waits for someone to order first so that he can just have the same but he finds Anne looking straight at him.

He flushes and looks back at the menu, words blurring out.

‘’He’ll have the pasta with tomato sauce and basil.’’ Zayn answers. Man, thank goodness for him, bringing his server skills out. ‘’I bet he’s been looking for it this whole time.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis says, relieved.

‘’Liam and I will share a veggie pizza and Nialler here wants a steak burger with curly fries.’’ Zayn continues confidently. ‘’Harry, what are you having?’’

Louis breathes easy after that. He cannot honestly stand the sight of food when his stomach is all in knots.

Fortunately, the conversation flows smoothly after that. Niall talks about his online classes when Anne asks. He’s a term behind Harry and will continue throughout the summer and no one asks why considering that Niall spent a half of last year in the streets, sleeping next to gutters and inside homeless shelters.

Robin asks about Zayn’s art and he tells them about his art classes, the recent orders he got and Gemma and Chelsea keep the topic engaging, comparing their marketing and business classes and talking about their own artist friends in uni.

Louis stays quiet and just observes. He sees the way Harry is really sweet with his mum, his dad and the boys, how he flushes when Liam teases him about his poor footie skills back in the day, commends his cooking skills and his weird but interesting taste in music.

They’d arrived at 5:30 and it’s already 8:30 pm. They have to leave soon but now he’s thinking that maybe the boys can stay a little longer.

‘’Niall, would you like to see the golf course?’’ Robin asks.

Niall finishes his water quickly and nods his head. ‘’Yes, please.’’

‘’Let’s go then,’’ Robin stands up and so does Anne so Louis follows suit.

‘’Can I take a cab from here?’’ Louis asks Harry quietly as they Anne settles the bill by the cashier before she leads them towards the door.

‘’What for?’’ Harry asks, frowning. He’d been keeping Louis present all evening by subtly placing his hand on his thigh almost all throughout the dinner.

‘’I have to go to work soon,’’

‘’You didn’t cancel?’’

‘’Of course not,’’ Louis says, miffed.

‘’Oh,’’ Harry says as they follow everyone out the door. ‘’What time is your work?’’

‘’10 pm,’’ Louis replies. ‘’I don’t have to leave now but I think the boys want to stay a little longer and…’’

‘’You know Zayn?’’ They stop when Robin pauses in the middle of the hallway on the way to the lifts.

‘’Yes, sir?’’ Zayn says.

‘’I want you to meet the owner of this fine establishment. He’s headed this way.’’ Robin says before he turns to an older gentleman. ‘’Irving, you silver fox! Where have you been all night?’’

Robin greets a man who looks to be in his mid-fifties with his big guffawing voice. They exchange pleasantries and Harry has to leave his side as he greets the man along with his mother. He looks like a family friend with the way they laugh and exchange stories. He remains in the back as they’re introduced, just waves and smiles like the boys. Niall and Liam are in front of him, Zayn is held gently by Robin and Anne and Harry are off to the side, Gemma and Chelsea choosing to stay behind for some cocktails.

‘’By the way, I found you your artist,’’ Robin then says to Irving, wrapping a fatherly-like hug around Zayn’s waist, keeping him to his side. ‘’He can do your murals.’’

‘’What?’’ Zayn’s voice hitches.

‘’Oh this is the one you’ve been telling me about!’’ Irving says, eyes alight. ‘’I’ve seen your painting, the one you gave to young Harry here. Robin kept nagging me about it until I told him to snap a picture and send it to me.’’

‘’Ah, you know me, technology doesn’t go well with my age.’’ Robin says, another belly laugh coming out of him.

‘’Me neither, I had to get my son to open the photo for me,’’ Irving says and they both laugh the way that old people do when they just accept the way life is and are happy that they’re not alone in the ever-modern fast-paced world.

‘’I had to get Harry to take the photo. I’m rubbish at those things.’’ Robin says. ‘’But anyways, he can do them for you,’’

‘’Do what exactly?’’ Zayn asks.

‘’Look here, son.’’ Irving says as he points at the empty walls of the hallway. There are potted plants decorating each end of the hallway and the floor tiles are actually quite lovely. The lamps are small but they shed enough light to give off a relaxed vibe. Still, maybe Irving doesn’t like something about it.

‘’My walls, they lack vision.’’ Irving says. ‘’You saw the gardens on your way here?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Zayn replies.

‘’I want you to paint those gardens on my walls,’’ Irving says. ‘’Starting with this one,’’ he says as he sweeps his hands across the hallway. ‘’I want one mural here in front of the other so that there are gardens on both walls and I want gardens on every floor in this whole building. Can you do that for me?’’

‘’Um, it will take weeks, months maybe.’’ Zayn starts.

‘’I will pay you 2000 dollars for every mural you make me.’’ Irving says grandly.

‘’Excuse me?’’

‘’Irving, that’s too little.’’ Anne chastises, a twinkle in her eyes. ‘’Where are your manners?’’

‘’Fine, 5000 dollars.’’ Irving says easily, like he can make money rain. He probably can.

‘’Um…’’

Louis zones out of the conversation when the shadow that had been following him since he’d entered the dining area and kept him rigid in his seat almost the whole night finally decided to show their face.

‘’You look better without clothes, Lewis.’’ Jonah says. ‘’Still, that pair of skinny jeans is doing wonders for your arse.’’

‘’Thank you, daddy.’’ Louis replies automatically. He’s behind enough that the boys can’t hear him and Jonah is just leaning against the wall, dressed in a purple sweater and beige slacks. He still smells like ink.

‘’Is that raven-haired boy your boyfriend?’’ Jonah asks.

‘’No,’’

‘’Why is that old geezer offering him a job?’’ Jonah asks next. He’s got a cocktail in his hand, wedding ring clinking with the glass. ‘’Is he worth the money?’’

‘’He’s an artist.’’ Louis says, keeping his face to the front. ‘’A really good one at that.’’

‘’Ah I see.’’ Jonah says before he sighs. ‘’Too bad you don’t work together. I would’ve liked to play with him.’’

Louis sees red for a second, grits his teeth to the point of his jaws aching.

Slowly, he turns to face his client.

‘’What?’’ Jonah say, faux innocent look on his face. ‘’You don't like to share?’’

Louis wants to throttle him but then, he smiles.

‘’Daddy, please behave.’’ Louis says nicely. The sound of footsteps approaching makes him want to laugh with glee.

‘’Why babe?’’ Jonah says slyly.

Louis smiles again and takes a step towards him. He gives kudos to Jonah for not flinching when he moves his lips towards his ears.

‘’Because your wife is right behind me and I don’t think she’d like it if she finds out why daddy is being naughty in public.’’

Jonah flinches and takes a step back.

‘’Dear, there you are,’’ a pleasant woman says. ‘’I was just about to call you.’’

Louis had seen her when he’d first entered the dining area, sat with Jonah near the door, right in Louis’ line of sight and the moment he’d turned, he saw her get up, eyes focused on her purse, probably in search of her cell phone. he made a wild guess about the 'wife' thing but he's glad he nailed the coffin right on the head.

Louis turns back around and steps up behind Liam like nothing’s amiss. Zayn is shaking hands with Irving and they seem to be exchanging fond goodbyes before the man eventually parts ways with them.

They finally enter the lifts and Louis discovers that Zayn is now going to be coming every morning so that he can paint Mr. Azoff’s murals. For now, he will just focus on the two he was asked to do and if Mr. Azoff likes them, he will do eight more for the other floors. Mr. Azoff offered him 6000 dollars per mural since he wants Zayn to cover almost the entire wall with each painting.

Louis smiles as he catches Jonah’s eye briefly before the door to the lifts close, hand in hand with his wife. He knows he’s going to pay for that later but for now he doesn’t care.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’That was a good shot!’’ Anne says in awe as Niall cackles, golf club in hand. ‘’Louis, your turn.’’

Louis steps up to the plate after Niall hands him a club. He knows he’s going to blow it but he gives it his all and the ball soars in the air before dropping lamely to the ground, making the boys roar with laughter.

‘’Dude, you just gotta teach me.’’ Louis tells Niall before he hands the club to Liam. They have a section to themselves and Robin had ordered some drinks for everyone and some refreshments. 

‘’I’m a natural, I guess.’’ Niall says where he’s sat, crutches between his legs and Zayn squeezed next to him. He’s had a few beers in him so his face is flushed red but he looks happy, the type of happy of a man who’d stumbled upon a heap of gold and is resting atop the hill.

‘’You definitely are,’’ Louis chuckles before Harry gets his arm around him.

‘’You having fun?’’ Harry asks.

‘’I am,’’ Louis says, getting an arm around his waist.

‘’Wish I could get your drunk,’’ Harry says before he nods at Zayn and Niall. ‘’I wonder what you’ll look like all loose-limbed like that.’’

‘’Hmm,’’ Louis looks back at the sight of Anne, Niall and Zayn talking and laughing, Robin and Liam engaging in tactics by the golf stand. It’s another good day and looking back, he’s had a fair share of them. Niall’s birthday was a good day. Reuniting with Harry again was a good day. Zayn giving Harry that painting was a good day.

And standing next to Harry on a golf course is shaping up to be a good day too and he’s glad he doesn’t have the chance to ruin it by getting drunk on fine wine and expensive beers. If only he didn't have to leave soon.

‘’Probably not too good,’’ Louis says.

‘’Can I tell you a secret?’’ Harry asks, lips next to his ear.

‘’Sure,’’

‘’My mum likes you,’’ Harry whispers before he smiles at him. ‘’She genuinely likes you.’’

‘’Is it because you told her that you’re dating me?’’ Louis asks boldly.

‘’What?’’

‘’Sorry, stealth-dating me.’’ Louis corrects himself.

‘’How did you figure that out?’’ Harry asks; a surprised smile on his face.

‘’You’re apparently not all that subtle.’’ Louis says, pressing on his hip fondly.

‘’And you’re okay with it?’’

‘’No, not really.’’

‘’Oh,’’

‘’Here’s why.’’ Louis says. He doesn’t know where the boldness is coming from; maybe it has to do with the thrill of one-upping Jonah, maybe it has to do with the fact that he’s not the one with less power tonight. Whatever the reason is, tonight, he feels like he’s the one in charge of his life. ‘’First of all, you haven’t taken me on a date yet.’’

‘’Um…’’

‘’Right?’’

‘’Right,’’ Harry says, a small smile on his lips.

‘’And second, your texting etiquette needs work.’’ Louis continues. ‘’See, all you do is send hugs and kisses after every message. You need to work on changing it up a bit.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry says, biting his lip to stop his lips from smiling wide.

‘’And lastly, you did this whole thing wrong; I mean, you told me you love me, you cooked with me, you spent a night cuddling me to sleep and you have indeed introduced me to your parents but you haven’t once kissed me since we’ve reconnected.’’

‘’And whose fault is that?’’ Harry asks, a fake frown on his face since his eyes are alight with mirth.

‘’Well I have every right to make you work for it.’’ Louis says, patting his chest. ‘’You see, I’m not going to be an easy catch Mr. Styles.’’

‘’No, you’re not Mr. Tomlinson.’’ Harry says fondly, eyes turning soft. ‘’You’re definitely not.’’

Louis hears Niall’s cackle in the background. He hears Liam exchanging clubs with Zayn and laughing when Zayn staggers to his feet. He hears Robin and Anne snap pictures and selfies together but he’s too lost in Harry’s eyes to notice.

If only he knew that Harry had seen the whole interaction with him and Jonah and was too busy getting lost in Louis’ eyes to ruin the mood.


	12. 12

_I'm not saying that you're lying_   
_But you're leaving out the truth_   
_And I'm not saying that you're guilty_   
_'Cause I don't have any proof_   
_Feeling like I'm going crazy_   
_And I don't know what to do_   
_'Cause on paper, you don't break them_   
_But it hurts so bad the way you bend the rules_

-Niall Horan, Bend the rules

When he arrives home from the bakery the next day, Harry is waiting for him in his room, doing his homework.

‘’Hi love,’’ Harry greets him. ‘’I got your clothes ready.’’

‘’I thought that’s Niall’s job.’’ Louis says. He’s exhausted; Allen sure has a lot of stamina in him. ‘’Did you dismiss him or something?’’

‘’Nah, just kicked him out of the room,’’ Harry chuckles. Louis just shakes his head minutely before he collects the clothes and goes to take his shower.

Under the spray of warm water, dreadful thoughts of tomorrow’s session with Jonah plague him. Jonah doesn’t always come as regularly as Allen but he knows that after yesterday’s encounter, he will definitely show up. Louis tries to remind himself that he is three months down and nine months to go on his payments of Niall’s medical bills. He cannot depend on the money that Zayn will get from his murals because that will take a while to finish and who knows? Maybe Mr. Azoff might not keep to his word about the rest. He knows that Harry’s parents are trying to help out subtly and that meeting Mr. Azoff may not have been a coincidence and while he appreciates it, he cannot depend on it fully either.

The shower washes away all his weary thoughts, muting them for now and once he’s all pruned up, he finally steps out from under the water.

He dries himself and puts on his turtleneck under a ratty hoodie paired with threadbare but comfy sweatpants. He picks up a pair of fuzzy socks and trudges back to his room where Harry awaits.

‘’Thanks for this,’’ Louis says as he sits on Niall’s bed and puts on the socks. He knows they're brand new and courtesy of the curly-haired lad.

‘’No problem,’’ Harry discards his notebook to the side and turns around to face him, feet on the floor and a thoughtful look on his face.

‘’Lou?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Are you free today?’’

‘’Until 10 pm I’m free.’’

‘’Good,’’

Harry sits up excitedly and unplugs his phone from the charger.

‘’What are you up to?’’

‘’Shh,’’ Harry says as he places the phone by his ear. ‘’Hi, this is Harry Styles, I wanted to confirm my reservations, please.’’

Louis’ pair of eyebrows rises as he listens to Harry, who confirms a time and date and whatnot before he hangs up.

‘’Do you have a meeting or something?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Nope,’’ Harry grins. ‘’I’m taking you out on a lunch date today.’’

‘’Excuse me?’’

‘’What?’’ Harry shrugs before he sits back against the headboard and opens his book again. ‘’I saw you flirting with that guy yesterday and I heard you loud and clear at the golf course. If you were trying to make me jealous, then it worked. Therefore, I’m going to make the first move here; I’m not going to just wait around for someone else to snatch you.’’

Louis’ mouth drops open in shock. Harry saw him talking to Jonah and thought he was flirting?

Wait, Harry got jealous of a client?

Oh shit

‘’Um…’’ Louis pauses. ''Did you hear me talking to...''

''Didn't need to,'' Harry snorts. ''I have eyes and it was obvious he had the hots for you and I didn't like it.''

''Right, but I...''

‘’Yes?’’ Harry says all too coolly, trying to hide his smile.

Louis thinks about it and then decides not to correct him. Sure, if he were in Harry’s place, it would look like he was flirting. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.

‘’Nothing,’’ Louis shakes his head.

He’s going on a date with Harry. That’s better than telling him the truth and dealing with the inevitable repercussions yeah?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

He naps on Niall’s bed for two hours before Harry wakes him up and tells him to get ready for their date. Louis heads to the bathroom and washes his face, looks into the mirror and tries to understand what the fuck he got himself into.

He’s going on a date with Harry that will basically lead nowhere. Unless that’s all they do; if they just date, hold hands and maybe kiss a little, that’s fine right? That’s not cheating. His clients never kiss him and for all that they have taken everything else from him, they never took that. Harry was and still is the only boy he’s ever loved to kiss, not even the girl he slept with before or the boy that had awoken his sexuality ever kissed him the way Harry did, the way Harry’s kisses mean so much more.

And as long as Harry doesn’t ask for more, as long as he doesn’t push the boundaries that Louis had metaphorically set, then everything will be fine.

Come to think of it, he doubts that Harry ever slept with someone. He was definitely Harry’s first kiss but he wonders if Harry had kissed other people after him and he doesn’t know why that thought makes him feel ugly inside considering how much he’s holding back, how much he shouldn’t feel entitled.

Harry is not doing anything wrong and Louis doesn’t want to disappoint him.

‘’I’m going on a date with Harry,’’ Louis says to his reflection in the mirror. ‘’And I will not ball-screw this up.’’

Yeah, easier said than done.

He ignores the voice in his head and rushes to the bedroom before he could feel nauseous only to find Liam there, looking through his scarce wardrobe.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Louis asks as he approaches.

‘’Harry figured you’d be nervous, asked me to help you pick an outfit.’’ Liam replies, pulling out a shirt, shakes his head at it and then dives back into his sparse collection of clothes.

‘’You’re okay with this?’’

‘’What? With you and Harry going on a date?’’ Liam snorts. ‘’What type of question is that?’’

‘’I mean…’’

‘’Dude, the boys and I have been waiting for this to happen for days.’’ Liam tells him. ‘’Zayn is right now on the phone with Harry, giving him tips and advice. Speaking of Zayn, did you know that he’s dating a bird?’’

‘’Wait, what?’’

‘’Yeah, he’s dating Niall’s dentist’s assistant; a girl named Perrie.’’ Liam informs him.

‘’You’re kidding me,’’ Louis says before Liam throws a bunch of clothes at him.

‘’Here, wear these and don’t freak out.’’ Liam advises him. ‘’Go easy on him, okay? For all his bravado, I think he’s more nervous than you.’’

‘’What if this is a mistake?’’ Louis cannot help but ask. ‘’I haven’t been on a date ever and…’’

‘’Neither has he,’’ Liam interrupts before his eyes soften. ‘’Lou, that boy kept himself pure for you; he hasn’t dated anyone in school, hasn’t even kissed another person since he’s kissed you. He’s head over heels for you, lad.’’

''How do you know that?''

''I asked him,'' Liam says looking at him like he'd just asked a stupid question. ''Had to look out for you, yeah?''

''Right,''

''Anyways...''

‘’But he thinks too highly of me,’’ Louis shakes his head. ‘’I’m not perfect, Li. I’m not who he sets me up to be. He cannot just put me on a pedestal and expect me not to ever fail him.’’

‘’Do you plan on failing him?’’

‘’It might just happen, I’m not…’’

‘’You just do your best, Lou.’’ Liam interrupts gently, hands on his shoulders. ‘’You’re meant to be together against all odds. I know this, Zayn and Niall know this, hell even mama knew this. Please, Lou; just be happy for once.’’

Be happy…Louis wants that, he really does.

But…at what cost?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He puts on the clothes Liam had set out for him after Liam gives him some privacy.

Be happy, he thinks. Well, if he cannot be that, then the least he can do is make Harry happy.

And that’s what he plans to do.

He steps out of the bedroom dressed in a dark blue sweater with a white button-up shirt underneath and his only pair of skinny jeans and his vans. Harry stands up from where he was sat on the sofa when he sees him; he’s wearing a black sweater, skinny jeans and a dark green coat.

‘’You look lovely,’’ Harry says, eyes bright.

‘’Liam picked my clothes for me.’’ Louis says, trying not to flush.

‘’Still lovely,’’ Harry smiles before he approaches. Louis can see Niall and Liam by the kitchen door, trying to be scarce and failing.

‘’This is for you,’’ Harry says. He didn’t even notice the box in Harry’s hand. ‘’A belated birthday gift.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Louis opens the box and inside it is a leather-band watch. It’s quite simple, analogue and not digital and already adjusted to the time. ‘’You didn’t have to.’’

‘’I wanted to,’’ Harry says before he puts his hand out. ‘’Can I put it for you?’’

‘’No,’’ Louis says quickly and turns away from Harry as he sets the box on the counter next to their bowl of keys. ‘’I can put it myself.’’

Allen doesn’t choke him anymore so much as he enjoys staring into his eyes while he rams him, slaps him when Louis closes his eyes, delirious from the pain. The rope burns around his wrist don’t look like they’d be fading anytime soon and he doesn’t want Harry to see them and get suspicious.

‘’Can I see?’’ Harry asks belatedly, probably taken aback by Louis’ actions.

‘’Sure,’’ Louis says carefully. He clasps the leather band around his wrist and makes sure nothing is seen but he just holds his hand up against his chest instead of extending it to Harry. ‘’Looks nice?’’

Harry doesn’t comment on his actions, probably just thinks he’s nervous.

‘’Suits you,’’ Harry says. Louis hears a cough from the kitchen.

‘’We’re leaving now,’’ Louis says loudly, tries not to flush at Niall’s cackle.

‘’Have fun boys!’’ Liam says, waving at them as he steps outside the kitchen door. ‘’Remember Harry; try to bring him back by 8 sharp, please.’’

‘’Fuck off,’’ Louis mutters and then flushes when Harry just laughs and grabs his jacket.

‘’Will do, Liam.’’ Harry says as he helps Louis into his jacket like the gentleman that he is. Louis feels like his face is going to catch fire.

Louis steps out of the door and waits for Harry to grab his book bag before he joins him in the hallway, immediately reaching for his hand before he closes the door.

‘’You going home after this?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Yeah, I have school tomorrow.’’ Harry says as they descend the stairs. ‘’I would’ve preferred a dinner date but I know you have work so I thought this is better and I can have dinner with Anne and Gemma.’’

‘'Your mum is probably worried about the amount of time you’re spending here.’’ Louis says.

‘’Yeah but I don’t care.’’ Harry says, tightening his hand for a second on his. ‘’Not when I get to see you. It doesn’t matter.’’

‘’They’re still your family, love.’’ Louis points out.

‘’And so are the boys.’’ Harry says back. ‘’I’ll find a balance soon but for now, my focus is on you.’’

Louis doesn’t have anything to say to that and neither does he have anything to say when Harry opens the door to his car for him. He's pulling out all his cards today.

‘’Where are we going?’’ Louis asks as soon as Harry takes off.

‘’This restaurant down town,’’ Harry tells him. ‘’I asked my dad for options and he has pretty good taste so,’’

‘’Does everyone know that you’re taking me on a date?’’ Louis asks, shocked.

‘’Yeah, why should I hide it?’’ Harry replies easily. ‘’Do you have any idea how excited I am? How jealous I’ve been since last night?’’

‘’Nothing to be jealous about,’’ Louis mutters, looking out the window. ‘’You know what you are to me.’’

‘’Do I?’’ Harry muses.

‘’Yeah,’’

‘’And what’s that?’’ Harry asks before he continues. ‘’Your lover? Your beau? Your boyfriend? Tell me.’’

Louis flushes some more. Since when did Harry get so bold?

‘’Or is it all the above?’ Harry smirks at him when Louis looks back.

‘’Shut up,’’ Louis mumbles but preens silently when Harry laughs and just reaches for his hand over the console.

They hold hands until they reach their destination.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The restaurant that Harry brings Louis to is upscale and class, with a nice terrace and a lovely rooftop view. Harry holds his hand again when they go inside and after he confirms their reservations, they follow the maître to the second floor.

It’s not as empty as the first floor and Harry leads him to a table for two by the huge windows. Looking out now, he can see the Thames.

‘’Lou, have a seat,’’ Harry says and Louis notices that he’s pulled his chair for him.

‘’Thank you,’’ Louis says and takes his seat, Harry gently tucking his chair in.

‘’Do you like the view?’’ Harry asks.

‘’I’ve never seen the Thames before so, yeah.’’ Louis answers honestly.

The menu isn’t hard to decipher and he picks a club sandwich for himself and Harry chooses Alfredo pasta. They share between themselves a bowl of Caesar salad and a platter of chips. Louis doesn’t want any alcohol so he just goes with some fresh orange juice and Harry orders the same.

It doesn’t feel like a first date when the conversation flows so smoothly and effortlessly. It’s not difficult to remember that he knows this boy; knows Harry through and through. He’s always been an open book and a year later, he still is. He wears his heart on his sleeve and maybe loves a little too much, almost to a fault but his intentions have always been good and sincere.

He wonders what tips Zayn gave him but Louis feels almost pampered under Harry’s attention. If he had a check-box list of all the right moves to pull on a date, Harry gets all his ticks;

  * Feet entangled under the table? Check
  * Sharing food from his own fork and feeding him a bite for a taste? Check
  * Holding his hand over the table as they await dessert? Check
  * Making him laugh? Check
  * Ordering chocolate brownies with strawberries on top and exchanging the spoon for it between them? Check
  * Making him laugh some more? Check
  * Asking the waiter to take a picture together, hands held over the table, empty dessert plate between them? Check
  * Looking at him all throughout the date with Disney heart eyes? Check! Check! Check!



‘’Time for our movie,’’ Harry says after he insists on settling the check.

‘’Movie?’’ Louis hasn’t been to the movies since…ever.

‘’Yeah, there’s a cinema nearby. I want to take you there,’’ Harry says before he gets behind Louis and holds his jacket up.

‘’Zayn must’ve trained you well,’’ Louis cannot help but say as he tucks his arms into the sleeves of his jacket before he pushes his chair in.

‘’Why do you say that?’’ Harry asks as he captures his hand again on the way to the stairs.

‘’You’re almost too good of a boyfriend.’’ Louis points out. ‘’I don’t think first dates ever go so well.’’

‘’Boyfriend, huh?’’ Harry grins.

‘’I mean…’’ Louis stammers. Shit, he shouldn’t be feeding into Harry’s infatuation.

‘’Don’t stress, Lou.’’ Harry chuckles as they head out in the opposite direction of the car. ‘’We’re doing this at your pace, not mine.’’

Louis nods. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Harry’s patience and understanding but he’s glad for it.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The movie they choose is a romantic comedy because of course, why not?

Louis insists on buying the popcorn but refrains from the fizzy drink that Harry wants them both to have.

‘’If Niall can’t have any, then neither can I.’’ Louis tells him. He and the boys try to avoid anything sweet in solidarity of Niall’s messed-up teeth and just because Niall isn’t around don’t mean he should have a cheat day.

‘’That’s really sweet of you.’’ Harry says as Louis buys a bottle of water for himself and a mountain dew for Harry.

The movie is nice if not a little bit cheesy and predictable. To Louis, it’s a picture perfect scenario he knows is not all that realistic but he wants it all the same. He wants an apartment with Harry, wants them to go to uni together, wants them to share their day on the sofa after long hours at work and cuddle into each other every night with a glass of wine and some Netflix. He wants to have arguments that can easily be fixed with a date and a wild tumble in bed. He wants supportive parents and a huge, amazing group of friends that he can go out with every weekend.

He wants Harry so bad, wants to swoop him off his feet the way the lead character is doing to his lover. He wants to provide for him, take care of him and appreciate him in all his forms.

He wants to feel like he’s not cheating on him by going off into the night and letting some stranger do unspeakable things to him.

‘’You liked it?’’ Harry asks and Louis blinks when the lights in the cinema turn on.

‘’Yeah, it was nice.’’ Louis didn’t catch the ending, too lost in his own head.

‘’Let’s take a walk,’’ Harry says as they leave the cinema. ‘’It’s still early and we have some time,’’

‘’Okay,’’

They walk through a square and though it’s cold, it’s not exactly freezing. Still, Louis cannot help but cuddle into Harry’s side instead of just holding his hand. He knows it’s dangerous, falling into Harry’s comforting touches, falling into the safety net he provides with his warm voice and even warmer eyes. It was easier going to Nick’s before Harry, easier to expect the derogatory language and to be enveloped in a sense of ownership and possession. After tonight, he’s not sure he can handle it, handle not being deserving of love, handle not being deserving of some kindness and affection.

He knows he’s damning himself but he cannot help it, cannot help but seek it and fall into it, not when Harry is so willing to give him all his devotion, to shower him with all his attention.

‘’You know, I’m not jealous anymore,’’ Harry says. Louis looks up and sees that Harry had stopped under a street lamp. There’s a violinist busker playing in front of them with a small crowd surrounding him. Some passer-by’s throw coins into his case and some people in the crowd are videoing his performance.

‘’Why’s that?’’

‘’Because you’re here with me,’’ Harry tells him, both hands wrapped around him, locked by his hip where he’s still cuddled into his side. ‘’Not with anyone else.’’

Louis looks at the violinist, can see him above the heads of the crowd.

‘’I’ve slept with people,’’ Louis finds himself saying. ‘’After we’ve arrived here in London. I didn't plan for it to happen but with you far away, I went for it. The boys don't know and...I honestly never thought I’d ever see you again.’’

Harry is silent, chin resting on his head. Louis cannot tell him everything but he can at least tell him some, give him something. He feels like he owes him so much.

‘’I forced myself to forget you,’’ Louis continues. ‘’Forced myself to believe that if I just worked and worked and worked, you will no longer occupy my every waking thought. But to be honest, deep inside, I think I still found it hard to sleep because deep down I was thinking of you. Deep down, I worried about you all the time, wondered about what ifs and whether you were okay or not, If you were coping and adjusting with your new reality.’’

Louis looks up here and sees tears in Harry’s eyes. He can feel some on his lashes too.

‘’Deep down, I know. I never stopped loving you,’’ Louis tells him because it’s the truth, the one thing he stubbornly clings to. ‘’You were it for me then and you are it for me now and I want you to be it for me in the near and far future."

‘’Lou…’’

‘’But I also never want to hurt you.’’ Louis’ tears spills but he doesn’t brush them away. ‘’That’s the only reason I’m holding back on you, the only reason why this is all I can give you and I need you to just be a little bit patient with me. I can’t tell you what’s going on, I can’t tell you everything for now and maybe I never will but I can tell you that my heart is yours and that I've never given it to the people I slept with. I never gave it to anyone who so much as looked my way and I never looked at any person the way that I'm looking at you now like you're all I see.''

Harry's eyes blaze under the street lamp, stray tears resting on his eye lashes. He's so beautiful inside and out.

''I love you and I don’t ever wish for us to be apart ever again.’’

Harry sniffs but he doesn’t break eye contact. Eventually, he lifts a hand and gently wipes Louis’ tears from underneath his lashes.

‘’Okay,’’ Harry nods.

‘’Okay?’’

‘’But if I find out on my own, that’s my business.’’ Harry says. ‘’I promised to take care of you, even if it means taking care of you from yourself. Okay?’’

Fair enough, Louis thinks. It’s not like Harry will ever find out anyways.

‘’Okay,’’ Louis nods.

''Can I kiss you now?'' Harry asks gently, hand cupping his face.

''Do you expect it will feel the same?''

''As our first kiss?''

''Yes?''

''Nah,'' Harry shakes his head. ''I think I love you better now so,''

''Have you kissed other people before?''

''Does you count?''

''Oh,'' Louis thinks. Liam was right. ''You can't say that you're still a vi...''

''And will be until you're ready,'' Harry interrupts. ''Doesn't matter to me.''

''Oh,'' Louis swallows. 

''So, can I go for it?'' Harry asks, a small exuberant smile on his face.

Louis wets his lips and nods.

Harry bends his head down slowly and Louis' eyes close when Harry's lips cushion against his. 

His lips are chapped but the kiss is so gentle, Louis feels butterflies erupt in his stomach. They stay like that for a while, kissing softly, almost just pecking before Harry pulls back.

''Best I stop now,'' Harry says, cheeks flushed and eyes a valley of happiness. ''Lest I swoop you down like a dancer and turn this all cheesy,''

Louis chuckles into his chest and rests his head there. He wouldn't mind some swooping but they are in public and Harry has fawn-like legs so they might tumble and fall if they attempt it.

They have to part ways soon, but for now, he enjoys the night and the arms of the boy wrapped around him, enjoys the music in the air and the fluttering of butterflies in his tummy.

Three months down, nine months to go. He repeats it like a mantra inside his head as they watch the violinist play some more melancholy music.


	13. 13

_First thing's first_   
_I'ma say all the words inside my head_   
_I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh, ooh_   
_The way that things have been, oh, ooh_

-Imagine Dragons, Believer

Louis knows he might regret this later but he texts Nick that he can’t come on Monday, citing that he’s violently ill and as he expected, Nick tells him he will add the day to be compensated on a weekend.

Between Jonah and Allen, he doesn’t know who is worse but for now, he cannot face Jonah without some serious back-up plan and a lot can happen from one appointment to the next but if Jonah does a number on him, he’s sure he won't be able to take it, not after his promises to Harry.

You see, he’s realized that he can’t do this for long, can’t keep going to that room. He cannot sleep and he’s already lacking on hours of rest in that department, plagued by living nightmares and constantly being paralyzed with fear, from the boys finding out, to Harry finding out, to the shame of it all crashing down on him.

Louis isn’t alone in his sufferings anymore; Harry is right there with him, patient to a fault and Louis cannot do this to him, cannot keep betraying his trust like this, not when Harry is so loyal, so devoted.

He comes up with a plan.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He starts by texting Harry.

_This may sound awkward but I need a favor_

A favor? Louis Tomlinson is asking me for a favor? :D :D :D

_Don’t be a dick about it. Please, it’s important._

Sure, Lou. Anything for you :D Am honoured, really.

_Right, well. I need Mr. Azoff’s contact number._

I thought Zayn has his card

_Yes but it goes through to his personal assistant. I need to talk to him directly_

Are you in trouble?

_No, I just want to surprise Zayn with something_

Does this have to do with that fairy tale story of his? I don’t think old man Irving has any connections in that department

_No, not exactly. I can’t explain it but I will soon, promise_

Hmm, okay. I’ll ask my dad and get back to you

_Sorry for texting while you’re in school, I really appreciate this, Haz_

It’s alright, you should be sleeping. Go rest please :D

_Thanx_

Have u noticed my change in texting?

_Yes, you’re all smiley faces now_

My friends think am weird, smiling down at my phone

_Oh, real smiles and smiley emojis?_

Ur making one boy very happy right now

_Hahahah okay love_

Go to sleep please

_Okay_

Love u

_Xoxo_

Hahahaha

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

When Louis is on his way to the toy store that evening, he receives a text from Harry, just a string of numbers.

This is it.

He dials the number and hopes for the best

‘’Hello?’’

‘’Good evening, Mr. Azoff?’’

‘’Who is this?’’

Louis’ heart thumps with dread. ‘’It’s Louis Tomlinson, sir. I’m Zayn Malik’s brother?’’

‘’Oh, the artist?’’

‘’Yes, sir.’’

‘’How did you get this number?’’

‘’I asked Harry who asked his dad. I’m so sorry for bothering you, sir.’’

‘’Well, I hope it’s urgent.’’

‘’Well, it sort of is,’’ Louis pauses. He’s walking down the streets on the way to the toy store, having left early to clear his head a little especially since Harry said he couldn’t pass by after school anyways. ‘’I was wondering if you are familiar with a gentleman who frequents your country club? Someone by the name of Jonah?’’

‘’Jonah Eckerton? The publisher?’’

‘’Publisher?’’

‘’Yes, married to an heiress of a woman. He heads a small publishing company owned by his wife's brother and always smells like ink from always frequenting the press blocks.’’ Mr. Azoff says with delight, like a man who enjoys a gossip or two.

Jackpot though. Honestly, Louis wants to laugh; he didn’t expect this to be so easy.

‘’Yes, that’s him.’’

‘’Does he owe you money? I hear he’s down on his luck these days.’’

‘’How come?’’

‘’Ah well, some writer threw a tantrum and one too many didn’t meet a deadline and so on and on. The brother wants to fire him and shut the business down due to a nearing bankruptcy but his sister won't let him. I don’t know how his wife puts up with him really, spending all her money on him like that, like a kept man.’’

Louis wonders the same indeed; wonders what his wife sees in a man who obviously has a different taste in what goes on inside the bedroom.

‘’Well, thank you for helping me out.’’

‘’Hardly at all, lad. What did you need him for anyways?’’

‘’Oh nothing,’’ Louis says as he sees the toy store up ahead. ‘’I just think that Zayn might like to publish an art book one day and he might be of help.’’

‘’Do you actually know Jonah?’’

Haha, what a question indeed.

‘’No, I read about him in some Ad online.’’ Louis lies smoothly. ‘’Wanted to look out for Zayn, see if I could find him a publisher or mentor or something and then I noticed him at the country club, just in passing and thought maybe you were friends?’’

‘’Hardly, I know his wife’s family, that’s all. And my advice to you, young lad; you best let Zayn carve his own path and focus on his painting. He’s got a bright future ahead of him in that area.’’

‘’Yes, I totally agree with you.’’

‘’And if he wants to publish an art book, Jonah is not the man for you. Best let him deal with his own problems and look for someone else.’’

‘’Yes, sir. Thank you for your advice.’’

‘’You’re most welcome.’’

‘’I also do appreciate your discretion,’’ Louis mentions. ‘’I didn’t mean to gossip about a country club goer.’’

‘’As long as you don’t give this number to anyone else, then we can call it even.’’

Louis smiles. ‘’You’ve got my word, sir.’’

‘’And you have mine.’’

Time for step two

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’I can’t believe this!’’

Niall and Louis look up from where Niall was showing Louis something on his laptop. It’s a list of pros and cons of universities in the UK and though Louis would prefer for Niall to stay in London, he also knows that its best to apply to all options available. As always, Niall always asks the boys for their input in this sort of things and Louis is more than happy to help him decide.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Louis asks as Zayn stares down at his phone.

‘’Mr. Azoff’s assistant just texted me and said that old man Irving is going back to the US to attend his son’s wedding and won’t be back until end of March.’’

‘’So, what’s the problem?’’ Niall asks.

‘’I’ll be done with the first mural by the end of this month and he’s leaving without paying me for it,’’ Zayn says when he looks up from his phone. ‘’I’ll have to wait until end of March to get the money for it.’’

‘’Zee, c’mon.’’ Louis says. ‘’End of March means you’ll be done with the second mural and when he comes back, he will pay you for both murals.’’

‘’Louis, I spent a fortune on all the paint cans and equipment.’’ Zayn points out. ‘’You know how expensive they are. A down payment would have been nice, man.’’

Louis sees his point. The money he’s getting from the night club is never constant and some days are more lucrative than others and he can’t keep asking Liam to pull extra shifts at the pizza shop and cycle in this awful winter they’re going through.

‘’I can work now,’’ Niall says.

‘’No,’’ Louis and Zayn say in unison.

‘’But my leg is better,’’ Niall argues. ‘’I need to start pulling my weight around here.’’

‘’And we cannot risk your grades flopping because you’re working,’’ Louis argues back. ‘’You need to get a scholarship, Niall, a free ride to uni and you won’t get that unless you pass all your entrance exams with flying colours.’’

‘’But…’’

‘’No buts bro,’’ Zayn says kindly. ‘’Focus on your future. That’s most important.’’

‘’But I feel bad,’’ Niall whines softly.

‘’Don’t,’’ Louis wraps his arm around his neck. ‘’Seriously, you getting that scholarship will make up for all of it, yeah? I promise.’’

‘’You sure?’’

‘’A 100 percent.’’

‘’I won’t disappoint you guys.’’

‘’I know.’’

Niall offers him a fist bump and Louis gladly reciprocates it.

The oven dings a few seconds later and Louis gets up and pulls the baked pasta stuffed with ground meat out. Again, it’s one of mama’s recipes that he’s finally perfected.

‘’Your food is a godsend, Lou.’’ Zayn says after they’re done eating and Niall had gone to his room to attend an online class. ‘’Have I told you that before?’’

‘’A millions times,’’ Louis chuckles as he and Zayn do the dishes. He feels quite rested since he hadn’t gone to Nick’s the night before, telling the boys that he wanted to take the night off to catch up on some sleep which isn’t exactly a lie.

After they’re done, Louis opens the topic.

‘’Zee, I wanted to ask you something,’’

‘’Sure,’’ Zayn says as he takes his seat at the kitchen table after Louis offered some tea.

‘’I noticed you’re writing stories again.’’ Louis says after he’s taken his seat and given Zayn a mug. ‘’What is it called? ‘Zombie kid’?’’

‘’Hardly anything worth reading.’’ Zayn snorts. ‘’Just a silly fairy tale, is all.’’

‘’But I read it. Really, I couldn’t help it.’’ Louis says honestly. ‘’It looks really good,’’

‘’You’re only saying that because it’s your default setting to be supportive.’’

‘’I’m serious, man.’’ Louis insists. ‘’And like, I have a proposition for you.’’

‘’What kind of proposition?’’

‘’Okay, so there’s this client who frequents the nightclub.’’ Louis says carefully, choosing his words wisely. ‘’And he always smells like ink. Turns out he works for a publishing company and I was thinking that maybe he could take a look at your story?’’

‘’Sure,’’ Zayn says easily.

What?

‘’That simple for you?’’

‘’I mean, I think its trash and if it gets thrown out, I won’t be upset,’’ Zayn smiles, all laid back and chill. ‘’So, yeah, go ahead. No harm, no foul.’’

‘’You can’t honestly tell me you want to paint flowers and scenery all your life,’’ Louis points out. ''You seriously not interested in publishing your writings? At all?''

‘’Of course not but painting is what's paying me right now, isn’t it?’’ Zayn says. ‘’All those paintings I did for those ladies, the murals which I hope I really get paid for…’’

‘’You will,’’ Louis interrupts. ''You will get your big break one day. I know you will.''

‘’I’ll believe it when I see the money raking in, man.’’

‘’Still…’’

‘’I know, I know, writing is my real passion, yada yada yada.’’ Zayn sighs. ‘’Look, sometimes doing what I love just doesn’t pay the bills, Lou.’’

‘’Then why did you write it?’’ Louis asks

‘’Because it’s still my passion, my hobby.’’ Zayn explains. ‘’Just because I don’t make money from it doesn’t mean I still don’t love it.’’

‘’I really think you have a great talent, I honestly do.’’ Louis says. ‘’I want to be a part of it sometimes, that feeling of accomplishment.’’

‘’Well, if that client or whatever gets my stupid fairy tale book published, you can have a piece of the profits,’’ Zayn says.

Louis blinks; he’s been thinking about ways of begging Zayn to partner up with him about this even though he knows there’s a hug percentage that it might not work out. Hearing Zayn being so easy-going about it, so blasé, is almost heady.

‘’You’re kidding, right?’’

‘’Lou,’’ Zayn smiles softly, a look of exasperated fondness on his face. ‘’Whatever success I ever accomplish, it will always be attributed to you, okay? You get to demand what you want, man. Trust me,’’

‘’I don’t support you to make you owe me.’’ Louis argues.

‘’But I appreciate it all the same,’’ Zayn says. ‘’You ought to let me show you that appreciation back, okay? Please?’’

Louis isn’t unfamiliar with shame but doing this to Zayn, no matter how amazing he is being about it, is different because he doesn’t like stealing anyone’s thunder and Zayn deserves all the recognition for his talent. Moreover, he only wants a part of it because it’s an end game to being with Harry. If the circumstances were different, he wouldn’t have ever brought it up, not even as a silly comment.

‘’Besides, let’s not jump the gun here, yeah?’’ Zayn says before he finishes his tea in one gulp. ‘’Let’s see what that client has to say first and who knows? It might not be a big deal after all.’’

Louis hopes with his entire heart that it will be a totally big deal because right now, his life, his relationship with Harry, hangs on the line.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

That night at Nick’s night club, he tries to be as mentally and emotionally ready as possible for the storm that’s about to go down. However, since when did things ever run so smoothly with him? He’d maybe expected Jonah to be the second or third client of the night. Alas, he should’ve known better.

‘’Well, look here,’’ Jonah says as he closes the door. ‘’Someone is eagerly waiting.’’

It’s show time.

‘’Daddy!’’ he runs up to Jonah in delight and gives him a massive hug. He can tell the man is startled by his actions. Good, he thinks, best to maintain the upper-hand while he still can.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Jonah asks as he kneels at his feet.

‘’Daddy, I’m sorry,’’ Louis says, biting his lower lip and clasping the hem of Jonah’s slacks. ‘’I know I was bad. I’m sorry.’’

Jonah stares at him long and hard and he does his best to maintain eye contact and make it believable. He does feel sorry for Jonah, sorry that his marriage is in apparent shambles due to having a wealthier partner for a wife, sorry for his about to go bankrupt publishing company because his wife's brother hates him and wants to shut the company down and perhaps most of all, he feels sorry that the man has chosen to take his frustrations out on Louis because of his pathetic life only for Louis to make a mockery of it back in the country club right to his face.

‘’Is that right?’’ Jonah finally says, a look of glee overcoming his face, his persona for when he’s in this room getting turned on with a flick of a button.

‘’Yes, daddy, I was bad. I know I was bad.’’ Louis almost whines and tries not to over-do it. ‘’Tell me what to do to make me regret it.’’

He doesn’t say to make Jonah happy because he knows that Jonah knows that Louis doesn’t give a shit about his happiness but Louis knows that Jonah thrives on humiliating him and that doing it now to avoid getting hurt is more believable.

‘’Hmm,’’ Jonah hums and slowly takes his coat off and loosens his tie. Louis subtly spreads his legs where he’s still kneeling and sneakily cups himself. He doesn’t ever get hard of his own free will when he’s with his clients but tonight, he might need it to make this work.

‘’Who said you can touch yourself?’’ Jonah says cuttingly.

‘’Sorry daddy,’’ Louis says, putting his hands behind his back and staring at Jonah through his lashes.

‘’I’m really trying to buy all this façade you’re putting,’’ Jonah says, putting his hands in his pockets. ‘’However, I have to say you do make a nice picture kneeling at my feet like some subservient dog. Not to mention, you did go far with your actions and guess what?’’

‘’What?’’ Louis asks lowly.

‘’Daddy was not pleased, Lewis.’’

‘’I know, I was just scared.’’

‘’Scared of what? That I’d embarrass you?’’

‘’Yes…’’

‘’But instead, you chose to embarrass me.’’ Jonah says, hint of real anger in his voice. ‘’You chose to humiliate me and make me feel like a cheating husband.’’

Louis wants to say that he is but he stays silent, chooses to lower his head.

‘’So now my question is,’’ Jonah says, a hand coming under his chin and lifting his face up. ‘’What can you possibly do to make it up to me?’’

‘’Can I suck you, daddy?’’ Louis asks, wetting his lips.

‘’Hmm, you’re gonna have to do better than that.’’

‘’Anything daddy, I’ll do anything, please.’’ Louis begs.

‘’Well, let’s start with that mouth of yours. See if it’s really worth paying for three hours tonight.’’

Oh shit.

He’s about to bring his hands to unzip Jonah’s slacks when Jonah pushes his hands away.

‘’I said your mouth, Lewis.’’ Jonah says sternly. ‘’Are you stupid?’’

Louis swallows and puts his hands back behind his back. He waits for Jonah to put his hands in his pockets again before pushing forward on his knees. It’s tricky, getting his teeth on the zipper but he eventually manages and pulls it down. He then goes back for the button and uses his tongue a little bit to work it out of the loop. He’s never blown Jonah before but as he uses his teeth to pull his underpants under the man's balls, he realizes that maybe he’s about to regret his offer.

He should’ve asked to be spanked instead because fuck, Jonah is not as hung as Allen but his dick is long.

‘’Put this in you,’’ Jonah says and Louis notices that he’d opened a drawer from the chest they were next to. After all, Louis didn’t exactly give the man a chance to step away from the door.

Louis looks at the items thrown on the floor and sees a familiar dildo and a bottle of lube.

‘’Daddy?’’

‘’I've decided we're going to play a game, Lewis.’’ Jonah says as he relaxes by the wall next to the chest. ‘’We’re going to see if you love daddy more than yourself, if you’re going to be a selfish boy or a selfless boy. You see, if you come first then you deserve the right for me to hurt you for what you did but if I come first, then and only then, you will deserve my forgiveness.’’ Jonah pauses, eyes brimming with delight. ‘’Are we clear, baby boy?’’

Louis tries not to break character, tries not to let defiance and revolt show on his face so he turns his head towards the lube and picks it up.

Alright then, challenge accepted.

Jonah watches in silence as Louis preps himself, fingering slowly at first and then inserting two fingers and then three until he feels loose and wet enough. Allen never lets him prep himself before he fucks him (not like he can anyways because Allen always has him somewhat tied up) but some of the other clients do. This isn’t exactly the first time he’s had a vibrating dildo up his arse.

‘’I’m getting impatient here,’’ Jonah says, lips curving up with scorn.

‘’Sorry daddy,’’ Louis says as he finally puts the dildo between his legs and slowly, starts lowering himself. He wants to make a show of it, wants to earn some bonus points but at the same time, it’s not like Jonah is in a merciful mood anyways.

When the dildo is all the way in, he looks up and sees Jonah turn the remote on to the lower setting. He puts the remote away in order to take off his dress shirt, tie and under shirt before he picks the remote again

‘’Suck me,’’ Jonah says as he tucks his hands in the pockets of his loosened trousers, remote away from view. Louis just hopes he uses that well because if he jumps to the highest setting, Louis might bite his dick off in shock.

‘’Yes daddy,’’ Louis wouldn’t call himself a master at blow jobs but he’s done enough of them to last a life time. Soon, he’s sucking on Jonah’s dick the way he’d molest an innocent banana, using his tongue to get it all wet. Without his hands, it proves to be somewhat difficult but for now, he manages…until Jonah turns the remote to the second setting and then extracts his hands from the pockets to hold his head, letting his slacks fall around his feet along with his underwear.

‘’There, there now.’’ Jonah says as he holds Louis’ head with one hand. He puts the remote on the top of the chest and then uses both hands and starts pushing in forcefully. Louis coughs, not exactly managing to lose his gag reflex until now and Jonah’s dick bumping the back of his throat has got him to raise his hands against Jonah’s thighs. ‘’Hands behind you, Lewis.’’

Louis feels himself getting hard, feels himself trying to hump the dildo but he refrains. He cannot think of coming, cannot lose this game they’re playing. He won’t let Jonah get the upper hand no matter what.

Jonah pus his dick back in Louis' mouth and starts pushing in and out slowly. Louis tries to breathe through it, tries not to gag and then Jonah does it again, holds his head in so Louis swallows instead and instantly regrets it

Fuck, he coughs and tries not to wheeze. Jonah shows no mercy, doesn’t give him time to try and take a breath and Louis cannot help bringing his hands up again.

Jonah slaps him hard.

‘’Do that again and I’ll muzzle you with a longer dildo and whip you instead like I wanted to,’’ Jonah threatens.

Louis is really afraid now. He locks his fingers together behind his back as Jonah begins to use him again. He tries to tongue Jonah’s slit for stimulation and for a while Jonah lets him; releases his head and just watches him.

‘’A real fucking whore,’’ Jonah says lowly and then, he turns on the vibrator to the third setting before he reaches for Louis’ head again. ‘’Look at you worshipping my dick like a real low-life.’’

Louis knows he’s hard and leaking because the vibrator presses right against his prostate when he shifts a bit, can't help but try and ease the pressure of his knees but it proves to be a mistake and now, he doesn't know how to dislodge the vibrating dildo without accidentally coming. He knows that without a cock ring, he might not be able to hold himself back and the only way to win this game is to let Jonah lose by chasing his own high.

So he stops fighting it when Jonah starts thrusting harder into his mouth, grip on hair causing just enough pain to help him hold back a little but the air in his lungs start getting thinner with every long thrust and he knows he’s choking on dick, knows it and is helpless to it.

He cannot bring his hands up, wouldn’t dare do it after Jonah’s real threat and soon, black spots appear in his vision.

He passes out when Jonah presses in long and hard as he comes down his throat.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

When he comes to, it’s to an instant coughing fit.

‘’There, there, sweetheart, it’s okay. Here,’’ Jonah coos at him and though Louis really hates him right now, he accepts the glass of water Jonah gives him, even if he pushes his hand away and holds the glass to his mouth like some helpless infant.

He feels weak and dizzy enough not to fight it.

‘’You were amazing, babe.’’ Jonah says and as Louis slowly checks himself over, he finds that he's being held into Jonah’s side on the bed where the man is sitting up against the headboard, totally naked.

‘’This is a gem,’’ Jonah says and Louis flinches when Jonah skims the side of his throat. ‘’Swallowed every drop, you. Fascinating work,’’

‘’Thanks, daddy,’’ Louis says, voice rough.

‘’No thank you,’’ Jonah says grandly. ‘’You made it up to me in spades.’’

Louis realizes that the dildo is still in him and though it's turned off, he wants it out. But the act is not over yet.

‘’Daddy?’’

‘’Yes, sweetheart?’’

‘’I want to do more,’’

‘’You want to come?’’

Oh, so he did win.

‘’No but can I stand up?’’

‘’Okay, let me help you.’’

Jonah grabs his waist and helps him stand by the side of the bed. He slaps his arse when Louis walks towards the chest drawer that has his clothes and things. He picks up Zayn’s drawing book and walks with it towards Jonah.

‘’I always smell ink on you,’’ Louis says as he hands Jonah the drawing book. ‘’I thought maybe you can help me?’’

Jonah looks at him with an inscrutable expression before he flips through the pages of Zayn’s drawing book. Not that he wants to but he still feels light-headed so he kneels between Jonah’s legs when the man sits up properly against the side of the bed.

He waits patiently, wonders how much time has passed since he’d passed out, wonders if he’s hard but when he looks down he’s only at a semi. He tries not to fidget too much with the dildo still in him, tries to be comfortable on the floor.

‘’Stop fidgeting,’’ Jonah demands.

‘’Can I please take out the dildo?’’ Jonah waves his hand at him dismissively, eyes focused on the contents of the drawing book. Louis is all too glad to leave him to it and takes out the dildo finally. He feels himself clench over nothing but at least now, he’s more comfortable kneeling.

‘’You did this?’’ Jonah eventually asks.

‘’No, my brother did.’’

‘’The artist?’’

‘’Yes,’’ Louis responds belatedly after he remembers that Jonah did see Zayn back at the country club.

‘’What’s the catch?’’

‘’What?’’

Jonah snorts as he puts the drawing book on the mattress beside him gently before he rests his hands in his lap.

‘’You seriously think I bought your act?’’ Jonah asks. ‘’You must be dumber than I thought you were.’’

Louis swallows. It’s now or never.

‘’I want out,’’ Louis admits. ‘’I want to stop having to come here to make ends meet and I think you and I can help each other.’’

‘’Why should I help you?’’ Jonah asks.

‘’Because I know my brother, I know he’s really talented and I know that if this book of his becomes a hit, it will help you a lot and…’’

‘’What makes you think you know me?’’ Jonah interrupts. ‘’Did that old geezer rat out my business to you?’’

‘’No, but you come here and you’re married, which means I mean something to you and I want to give you that before I quit for good.’’

‘’On what condition?’’

‘’Does his book have potential?’’

‘’Answer me first.’’

‘’Please,’’ Louis begs. ‘’Humor me. What is your honest opinion?’’

Jonah narrows his eyes at him before he looks back at the book, flipping to a page with one of Zayn's many incredible illustrations. It’s beautiful if not slightly dark and morbid but Louis had never seen anything like it. He knows that fairy tales are not really all roses and daises, that’s there’s dark history there and for Zayn to encapsulate that darkness and bring it to life with his own take is sort of mesmerizing.

‘’It’s definitely unique work,’’ Jonah says, his tone of voice different, like a man who misses the chase of finding treasures. ‘’I’ve never seen anything like it and the font,’’ Jonah gently sweeps the pads of his fingers over the words. ‘’I know it’s by hand but it’s almost perfect, like it was done by computer.’’

‘’Will it sell?’’ Louis asks.

‘’It won’t just sell,’’ Jonah chuckles before he looks back at him. It’s not a look of scorn or disgust or misplaced lust; it’s a look of awe, of opening a chest of gold and finding diamonds. ‘’This can be one mega-hit wonder. Do you have any idea what you’ve just given me?’’

‘’I haven’t given it to you yet.’’ Louis reminds him. Whatever blissful look that was on Jonah’s face dims at his words. ‘’I want you to help me in return for this first.’’

‘’Help you how?’’

‘’I want you to buy my time here for the two weeks I have to serve before I stop for good,’’ Louis says. ‘’And no more sex or games or whatever. In return, you get this book and you make your hit and you put my brother’s name out there with you.’’

‘’And if this book doesn’t make a hit? You know, it’s not like my opinion matters; it’s the buyers that matter.’’

‘’Then make them buy it,’’ Louis says. ‘’Publish the book and market it the best you can and make a profit from it. Who knows? If it’s truly as amazing as you think it is, it might be enough incentive for my brother to publish another. Why stop at one?’’

‘’You really want out so bad?’’ Jonah asks him after a pause.

‘’I can’t do this forever,’’ Louis says honestly. He doesn’t know why he’s explaining himself to this man, didn’t know that there could be more lows to reach but somehow he reaches them, manages to sink lower and lower to the bottom of the food chain. ‘’I have someone who loves me and wants me and I can’t keep betraying him like this.’’

‘’Is it the artist?’’ Jonah asks before he smirks. ‘’You don’t look like brothers.’’

‘’That’s…no.’’ Louis feels repulsed. ‘’We’re not like that. It’s someone else.’’

‘’And you think he’ll still love you even after you stop being a low-life?’’ Jonah snorts before he shakes his head. ‘’If that’s true, my wife wouldn’t be fucking my lawyer and wouldn't be happy shoving it in my face.’’

Oh…

‘’I…I’m sorry, I…’’

‘’I don’t need your fucking pity,’’ Jonah says but he’s on a roll now. ‘’But news flash, kid; they say they love you, they say they want you, they vow to be there for you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer and in the end, you stumble one time too many and your wife thinks that she’s the one who wears the pants in the house and therefore can do whatever the fuck she wants instead of supporting me, can sleep with my lawyer, in my bed, in my house but refuse to divorce me just to save face and show off to everyone how awesome she is for choosing to take care of me regardless and I mean…fuck, it’s not like I can control the market, it’s not like I can control those lazy writers of mine to find inspiration only to end up with some half-arsed draft of a book and publish it anyway just to meet some deadline because what the boss wants the boss gets and so what if I’m the one that gets screwed up in the end, yeah? Fucking arse-holes.’’

Louis doesn’t know what to say to all that but in the end, he finally, somehow understands. Jonah has no control over his life so he comes here to find it, even if it means terrorizing Louis sometimes to find that semblance of control. It’s not healthy or moral and its’ still cheating but in a way, he understands.

‘’Anyways,’’ Jonah clears his throat and stands up, almost knocking Louis back with how swiftly he moves. If Louis looks closer, he might guess that Jonah’s ashamed of blurting too much.

But Louis still has his own agenda to seek.

‘’Do we have an agreement?’’ Louis asks as he stands up and holds the drawing book in offering to Jonah. ‘’Will you at least think about it?’’

Jonah finishes dressing up instead of answering and only looks up when Paul knocks on the door, calling out his customary 5 minutes.

‘’Let’s see if I can make this work first,’’ Jonah says as he grabs the drawing book. ‘’I can’t buy you for two weeks straight and spend all that time doing nothing here but if this book is a hit, you get a share of the profits, I'm sure.’’

''But Nick has stipulations and I don't want trouble. I can't just quit cold turkey on him.''

''Look kid, I can't come here every night and stare at the walls for close to 5 hours.''

‘’You can bring work,’’ Louis says hurriedly, desperate. ‘’I won’t bother you or…’’

‘’That’s not what I mean, I can’t go home every day after 3 am for 10 days straight,’’ Jonah interrupts. ‘’I can’t have my wife suspect my whereabouts and she’s already suspecting. If she finds out about this, her family will crucify me and my name will be ruined. If that happens, I take your brother down with me; no one will think his work will ever be credible enough if his name is tied to mine.’’

Louis knows they’re running out of time but he wants this to work so badly, held onto it so hard this past 48 hours that he refuses to yield.

‘’It will work,’’ Louis insists. ‘’Please…’’

‘’I’ll try babe,’’ Jonah says and Louis can see genuine guilt in his eyes; he wants this too, wants to redeem himself, wants to get back to his wife’s good graces by finding success again. If only the path towards that goal could run smoothly. ‘’I really will.’’

If Zayn’s book won’t be a success, then Louis is going to damn Harry with him for the next 9 months. Louis won’t be able to quit and if Niall doesn’t get a scholarship, then Louis is dreading another year, maybe more of him voluntarily slaving away unless Zayn’s art works out or Liam finds a better paying job than delivering pizzas.

If he thought he could manage those possibilities, he’s dead wrong. Just thinking about it makes him feels like suffocating.

‘’Thank you,’’ he tells Jonah anyways, the man who’d choked him on his dick until he'd passed out, the man who has a fetish for boys calling him daddy and making them wear panties while he keeps on his wedding ring, the same man who is now holding his future with Harry on the balance.

What even is his life?


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm sure some of you already know, the book, mentioned in previous chapters and in this one, called ''Zombie kid'' (also known as ''the boy who fed on nightmares'') is mentioned in one massive hit of a k-drama called ''It's okay not to be okay'' starring my bae Kim Soo Hyun :D
> 
> More info about the other fairy tales mentioned in the drama can be found here;  
> https://meaww.com/its-okay-to-not-be-okay-a-look-at-folklore-fairytale-used-in-kim-soo-hyun-seo-ye-ji-show-zombie-kid
> 
> Anyways, enjoy :D

_No one knows what it's like_   
_To be the bad man_   
_To be the sad man_   
_Behind blue eyes_   
_And no one knows what it's like_   
_To be hated_   
_To be faded to telling only lies_

-Limp Bizket, behind Blue eyes

The book ‘’Zombie Kid’’, tells the story of a boy who was limited by his nightmares while trying hard to forget about it. He gets his wish when a witch decides to remove the memories that gave him nightmares in return for his soul. However, without remembering the hardships, this boy grows up to become a man who is devoid of happiness. This tale's moral is to ensure that all of us do not forget the hard times, but remember it, face it head-on and overcome it to make our lives fuller.

Sometimes, Louis wonders if Zayn knows more than he lets on.

But what intrigues him more, is how eerily certain events keep unfolding…

It’s the end of February and he’s made another payment. He is now four months done and eight months to go.

Jonah doesn’t come back after he’s taken the book from him. Zayn doesn’t think about it at all so Louis tries not to either but as the days pass, he begins to worry.

He’s undeserving and lucky to have Harry to distract him.

They go out on more dates throughout the month of March; they go ice-skating (a first for Louis), they go to Liam’s pizza shop for a low-key date (a first for Harry) and they go to a winter wonderland carnival (a first for them both). It's so easy to forget about his life when he’s with Harry, easy to drown in his kisses and hand-holding, easy to give him all his attention. But it gets more and more difficult to ignore the want in Harry’s eyes, the lingering looks, the questions that come a little too close to the truth.

By the third week of March, he’s finally done with his weekend shifts and he hopes to never fucking see Allen again. Spring will come soon and he needs the marks on his neck and wrists to be gone. For the first time, he’s grateful that it’s still so bloody cold.

One Thursday, on his way home from the bakery, he receives a call from Niall (he’s finally been able to buy him his own phone) to hurry back home. Louis, fearing the worse, takes the bus and is jittery all the way up the stairs.

‘’Niall?’’ he calls. He wants to take a shower, wants to sleep but he’s worried sick. ‘’Bro?’’

‘’In here!’’

Louis runs to Zayn and Liam’s room and…

‘’Why are you crying?’’ Louis asks, shocked at the tears in Zayn’s eyes.

‘’You were right,’’ Zayn chuckles wetly as he gets up from where he was sat on the bed. He hands Louis a simple white envelope. ‘’You were fucking right.’’

Louis, still confused by the giddy look in Niall’s face and the wet tint in Zayn’s eyes, looks down and opens the envelope.

It’s a cheque addressed to Zayn Javad Malik.

A cheque for 12,000 dollars.

‘’Oh my god,’’ Louis gasps before he looks up at the boys then back down at the cheque in his hands. ‘’Oh my god.’’

The cheque looks legit, signed by Irving J. Azoff.

‘’Apparently, he came back early without telling anyone,’’ Zayn explains. ‘’I'd texted his assistant that today was my last day working on the second mural but I wanted to pass by to apply some final touches. That old geezer stood behind me the whole time and when I turned around, he clapped my back and said something along the lines of, ‘’well done, lad!’’ and then gave me this!’’

‘’Just like that?’’ Louis cannot believe it. The amount is almost too much even though it is what was promised to Zayn.

‘’Just like that, man.’’ Zayn chuckles; totally and utterly disbelieving.

‘’I am so proud of you!’’ Louis barrels into him and tackles him into a massive hug. ‘’You did it, Zee.’’

‘’I can’t believe he liked my murals.’’ Zayn says in awe. ‘’I never painted on walls before,’’

‘’Oh please,’’ Louis snorts as he pulls back. ‘’You used to spray paint the alley-ways back in Manchester. Don’t even try to lie about it.’’

‘’Yeah, I remember that,’’ Niall says as he wraps his arm around Zayn’s shoulder. ‘’You painted a long dick and…’’

‘’Alright, enough about my ‘bad boy’ habits.’’ Zayn laughs and they laugh along with him. Louis cannot help but look back down at the cheque before he hands it back.

‘’Do you have plans?’’ Louis asks. ‘’Any idea what you’ll do with this?’’

‘’I’m going to open a savings account,’’ Zayn says, a look of pure ambition in his eyes. ‘’I’m going to buy Madam Rose’s shop when she retires and I’ll get the apartment right above it as well.’’

‘’You thought about this.’’ Louis says, surprised.

‘’Yeah, I want to turn that flower shop into a diner. I want you and Liam to run it.’’ Zayn barrels on. ‘’It’s in a better neighbourhood and we can move into the apartment upstairs. It’s massive and…’’

‘’You wanna move out?’’ Louis interrupts. ‘’And who’s we?’’

‘’Louis, don’t be dim.’’ Zayn chuckles softly. ‘’The location of the flower shop is nearer to the campus area and that way, when Niall goes to uni in September, he doesn’t have to stay in the dorms and you can move in with him and Liam…’’

‘’You want to buy an apartment?’’ Louis cries.

‘’Yes, aren’t you listening to me?’’ Zayn says, exasperated. ‘’No more paying rent and no more broken heater and no more broken faucets and Liam coming home to fix the pipe under the sink all the time.’’

‘’And Madam Rose is okay with you buying her shop and her apartment?’’

‘’Yes, her daughter wants her to move in with her because she’s getting too old to live on her own and too old to run the shop. She promised to sell it to me.’’ Zayn says, happiness radiant in his eyes. ‘’And you know what else?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I’ll be painting six other murals for Mr. Azoff,’’ Zayn announces. ‘’I’ll be getting three more cheques just like this, Lou. Isn’t that great?’’

Louis is so happy for him, he’s lost for words.

‘’Come here you,’’ he hugs him again and pulls Niall in too. ‘’So proud of you, Zee.’’

Life has finally decided to be kind to them for once and he couldn’t be more grateful to be even a small part of it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Jonah comes back three days before the month ends after so long an absence.

And for the first time ever, he asks Louis to wear his clothes. He’s the last client of the night and for the first time ever, he doesn’t want to play.

‘’I got this for you,’’ he says. His eyes don’t leave him as he covers more skin and Louis tries not to swipe at him for looking like a hungry wolf, lamenting the loss of his prey.

‘’What is it?’’ Louis asks as he takes the manila folder being offered to him.

‘’Open it.’’

Louis does, tears the top of the envelope and then holds it upside down for the content to fall straight to his palm.

It’s a book.

‘’No way…’’

The title stares at him, in hard cover and vibrant colours.

‘’Zombie Kid’’ by Zayn J. Malik

‘’It’s getting published tomorrow in all local bookstores,’’ Jonah says. ‘’The marketing team had done a great job promoting it online and the reviews are positive so far. We will see the initial profits after its debut and if they are successful, we will release a second edition of the book but with a proper author bio and perhaps illustrations in colour instead of black and white.’’

‘’You’re serious?’’

‘’You’re going to need to ask your brother to come pass by the offices,’’ Jonah continues and presents Louis with a card. ‘’Cowel Publications’’ is written in bold and gold letters. ‘’He’ll need to sign a contract to make sure he gets all his rights.’’

‘’Cowel…’’

‘’My wife’s brother, yes.’’ Jonah confirms. ‘’He’s been very pleased that I haven’t fucked up this time.’’

Louis looks up here and sees a serene look on Jonah’s face.

‘’Is your wife happy now?’’ Louis ventures.

‘’I’m not sure; I mean she’s stopped fucking my lawyer now so there’s that.’’ Jonah shrugs. ‘’But I’m happy.’’

‘’You’ve found your passion again.’’

‘’Excuse me?’’

‘’Reading good books,’’ Louis points out, waving the masterpiece in his hands. ‘’Searching for treasures and finding them.’’

Jonah’s eyes pierce him in a way that is different from when he’d undress his skin with his eyes, the way he’d do when he’d stare at him while he’s hand-cuffed to the bed and begging for ‘’daddy’’ to do something.

‘’Books are not my only treasures,’’ Jonah says, not losing eye contact. ‘’So are my secrets.’’

The message is perfectly clear.

‘’Zayn won’t ever know,’’ Louis assures him. ‘’I told him you’re a frequent client here at the night club. They think I’m a waiter.’’

‘’Who’s we?’’

‘’My boyfriend, my brothers.’’ Louis replies.

‘’Hmm,’’ Jonah sighs. ‘’Best we keep it that way.’’

‘’Yes, of course.’’

Jonah keeps looking at him, like he’s taking his fill.

‘’I will buy your time the next two weeks, as promised.’’ Jonah then says. ‘’But we will play.’’

Louis swallows; he somehow knew that would happen. He shouldn’t have been surprised. Still, what about Harry?

‘’That’s not…’’

‘’Take it or leave it.’’ Jonah cuts through.

Louis knows he has no choice. He reminds himself that it’s only two more weeks and when it’s all over, he’s going to have to find some other way to pay for Niall’s medical bills. He chooses Harry and he knows he shouldn’t feel bad about that choice, no matter the consequences. Somehow, he still does.

‘’Okay,’’ Louis says and offers his hand.

Jonah shakes his hand on it once before he pulls open a drawer.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Undress,’’ Jonah says as he pulls out a pair of metal hand cuffs. ‘’Can’t have your watch dog outside think that something’s amiss. Besides, we still have 15 minutes and I've changed my mind; I want your mouth again.’’

Louis undresses in silence.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

When Louis tells the news to the boys, they can hardly keep it to themselves. Harry calls his parents and Anne invites all of them over to the house for a big massive dinner in the weekend. Zayn brings his girlfriend and Liam also brings his girlfriend from work. Her name is Sophia and she is as lovely as Perrie is, if slightly a bit shy.

Zayn tells Mr. Irving so the old man is also invited to attend the mini-celebration.

It’s a night to remember.

Harry’s house is bigger than the pictures they saw almost two months ago. The pool out front is covered for the winter, the garden is well-trimmed and the interior of the house is enormous. The sitting room alone is double their entire apartment!

The dining table is one of them long ones and almost each chair is full. Louis notices that Gemma’s best friend Chelsea is there again and…is she flirting with Niall?

Anyways, Harry had given him and the boys a tour earlier while Anne, Irving and Robin talked downstairs. Gemma and Chelsea as well as Sophia and Perrie shared a glass of wine in the upstairs balcony, leaving the boys to explore.

‘’Guys, look.’’ Harry says. They’re sat in a circle on the floor in his bedroom, Zayn’s painting of Leona’s house hung above his headboard.

‘’What?’’ Louis calls. Zayn is trying to teach them poker and is mostly failing.

‘’I still have this,’’ Harry says from where he emerges from his huge wardrobe. It’s his old rucksack. He brings it now as he takes a seat back in the circle, bag in his lap.

‘’That looks so old, love.’’ Louis cannot help but say.

‘’Yeah but I still have all this.’’ Harry says. He pulls out a wool scarf, made by Leona. He also pulls out the first set of clothes she ever bought for him. It brings Louis back to when they were playing footie in the front yard and Harry was shy and asking him how he'd looked. In one of the front pockets, Harry pulls out sweet wrappers, courtesy of Niall and the day they ran through the mall. He even pulls out a comic book that he’d borrowed from Zayn and one tattered pocket book, from when Leona was stern about him reading throughout the summer.

Louis cannot help but pick each item gingerly, waves of memories washing over them all, of simpler, happier times.

For some reason, those memories are reminders of a time he’d wish he’d forgotten about, because those memories, as good as they were, are then accompanied by the bad ones too; of the day they buried Leona and had to collect every penny they had to pay for her casket, of the day they lost Niall and Harry without even a proper goodbye, of the day they lost their house.

But Louis looks at how far they’ve come and though it wasn’t easy-still isn’t easy- he knows he would’ve been a slightly more jaded person if he gave up all the sad memories that has led to where they are now, in Harry’s massive house, celebrating the publication of Zayn’s first ever book.

‘’This is unreal,’’ Niall says, the sound of wrinkling wrapper emanating from between his fingers. ‘’I can’t believe you kept these.’’

‘’Wanted to remember you guys,’’ Harry says softly, eyes on Louis. ‘’Had to hold on to something, you know?’’

Louis draws him into a grateful kiss.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The dinner is great and Zayn receives a lot of congratulatory speeches, citing how proud they are of him and how they cannot wait to know what happens after he signs his contract a week after the release of the book.

‘’I can come with you if you’d like,’’ Anne says after she takes a sip of her wine. ‘’I’m a lawyer so I can make sure you get all your rights.’’

‘’I’d actually like that, thank you.’’ Zayn nods eagerly.

‘’To Zayn,’’ Harry says as he raises his glass for a toast. ‘’Our future fairy-tale writer and mural painter.’’

‘’To Zayn,’’ they all repeat but then Zayn stops them before they take a sip, standing up abruptly and almost knocking his chair back.

‘’Wait, wait, wait.’’ Zayn says. Louis adjusts his chair for him and looks up at him, confused.

‘’Before you congratulate me more than you’ve already done,’’ Zayn smiles. ‘’I think we’re forgetting someone important here and I cannot allow that.’’

Louis looks at Mr. Irving, trying to exude as much gratitude towards the man for jump-starting Zayn’s path back to his art and passion.

‘’To Louis,’’ Zayn says.

Louis’ head whips back at him so hard, he almost cracks his neck.

‘’What?’’ Louis asks, shocked. He’s sat between Zayn and Harry, right in the middle of the table to Anne’s right so all eyes are easily on him.

‘’None of us and I speak on behalf of my brothers when I say this,’’ Zayn pauses before he turns to Louis bodily, glass of wine slack between his hands. ‘’But none of us would be here without you, living our lives to the best of our abilities.’’

Louis flushes at his words, and turns to Harry when the boy wraps his arm around his shoulder. Why does he look so proud?

‘’You have no idea how amazing you are, Lou.’’ Zayn continues. ‘’How hard-working, how patient and how supportive you are, is beyond me. There is no one I know that puts others before themselves more, who works almost day and night just to make sure that we never feel like we had ever gone without…I love you and I am honoured to call you my brother. Cheesy, I know.’’ Zayn chuckles, flushes red at the quiet laughs around him. ‘’But yeah, man, I meant every word. I wouldn’t have this book if it wasn’t for you and I wouldn’t have everything I have if it wasn’t for your never ending ability to give and never expect anything in return.’’

Louis wants to drown in his seat at the teary eyes around him. Instead, he just stands up and hugs Zayn.

‘’I love you, man.’’ He whispers in his ear.

‘’I love you too.’’ Zayn says, hugging him back fiercely.

They laugh in self-consciousness as they draw apart when they hear coos from everyone around them.

Louis just cuddles back into Harry when they toast and drink in his honour.

It makes Louis forget all about the chafing in his wrists and the feel of sandpaper in his throat.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Zayn’s book is a hit and they find out the day that Anne and Zayn go to the publishing office for the contract signing. Louis goes with them too and though Jonah is in attendance, they never make eye contact after the first formal hand-shake. They meet a Mr. Simon Cowell, the head of the publishing company and they also meet a bunch of lawyers. Louis sits quietly as Anne fights for every penny and makes sure that Zayn receives 80% of the book’s profit, the rest going to his publisher and the company since the book did not undergo any heavy edits or changes in the illustrations, printed almost a mirror image to its original version.

Zayn decides after that to quit the restaurant he was serving at in order to focus on the book-signing events and book-reading events. He also took some time off from the flower shop, just until he can finish all the events that he’s obligated to attend. Anne buys him suits and dress shirts and brings him to a hair salon before his first ever photo-shoot for the bio pics and the social media platforms for promo and well, Louis has to say when they see the publication’s social media posts of their newest artist, that with money and the right tools, Zayn does clean up nicely.

They all go to the first ever book-signing event and the lines are huge, long and mostly girls. Louis cannot blame them; he also cannot blame Perrie for staring daggers at them.

They also go to the first book-reading event at a book club for children and Liam, the ever avid photo-taker, captures almost a hundred photos of Zayn just flipping pages of the 2nd edition of his book and smiling at the little children sitting around him.

After two weeks of promo, things die down a bit and Zayn goes back to painting Mr. Azoff’s murals, citing that the activity will help inspire his next fairy tale.

In those two weeks, Jonah buys his time as promised. Although he’d been doing this whole selling his body for a long time, it’s in those two weeks that he feels like a dying, rotting shell of a man. It’s like whatever kindness that Jonah had showed him before evaporates completely at the thought that he won’t ever get to use Louis again and it’s like he’d decided to milk every moment of it.

It feels almost never ending, the way that Jonah could play with him for hours, has him spread-eagled on the bed, blind-folded and gagged while he pushed a vibrator into him, a cock-ring around his hard dick to keep him in near delirious pain and want. Sometimes, he’ll turn on the telly and leave him writhing on the bed totally ignored.

He never expected by the end of the first week for Jonah to fuck him.

He begged too, reminding him over and over that he has somebody, that he has Harry, to please not do this…

‘’Please, you saw him, he’s real.’’ Louis cries as Jonah slaps his hard dick against Louis’ balls. Harry had of course attended the first two most important events in Zayn’s writing career along with them and of course Jonah was there, staring him down like he had any right. ‘’I’m not lying to you, please don’t do this.’’

‘’Shut up,’’ Jonah slaps him hard and then, like a mad man, keeps slapping him over and over. ‘’Just fucking shut up.’’

The shock of being penetrated and then fucked roughly leaves him numb.

He cannot help but wonder; will forgetting the nightmares of his time in that room with Jonah be too much to ask? Will forgetting about how the man had licked his tears in glee and made him come lead to his eventual unhappiness?

‘’Beautiful, babe.’’ Jonah whispers in his ear. ‘’Best slut I’ve ever had. Never wanna say goodbye to you, never want you to forget me, want you to crawl back to me, never want you to…’’

He babbles on before he throws away the condom, shoves his dick down Louis’ slack mouth and comes down his throat. Louis wonders; if his limbs weren’t tied to each of the four corners of the bed, would he even have the strength to fight him?

Louis wishes he was a zombie kid but one that never complained about losing his soul. There’s no point in getting it back anyways, it will just be returned back to him in tatters, bleeding red with rope burns.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

And then it’s over.

Just like that

He says goodbye to Nick, thanks him for everything and Nick is kind enough to give him one last ride to the bakery.

‘’I hear Zayn is the next Hans Christian Anderson,’’ Nick says.

‘’I didn’t know you read fairy tales,’’ Louis says quietly, head resting on the frosted window in Nick’s car.

‘’There’s a lot you don’t know about me.’’ Nick shrugs.

‘’True,’’ Louis says wanly, a long stretch of silence spread between them.

‘’You know,’’ Nick says after they’ve finally arrived at the bakery. ‘’You don’t look happy that you’re done.’’

‘’Well, I will miss your ugly face.’’ Louis turns back to him.

‘’Lou, I’m being serious.’’ Nick says carefully. ‘’If you feel like you’ve been taken advantage of, please remember that I had nothing to do with it; it’s just the clients, man; they…’’

‘’It’s okay,’’ Louis interrupts him. He knows he looks bad, knows he looks like he’s shed a couple of stones but he can’t tolerate Nick talking like he had no say because he had; he could’ve censored his clients better, could've protected him. But maybe Nick is just a pawn in the grand scheme of things, maybe....

And then he realizes how wrong he is to think of Nick as a victim of the system because Nick will always do what Nick does and Louis shouldn’t excuse him. He’s just too tired to fight; it’s not like he didn’t have an inkling of what he was getting himself into and he’s at least glad that he’s done with it all; done with Allen, with Jonah, with all of them.

‘’So…we’re good?’’ Nick asks.

‘’We’re good, Nick.’’ Louis sighs. ‘’Thanks for helping me out.’’

‘’Anytime, lad.’’ Nick says. ‘’Off you go then.’’

Louis goes into the bakery in silence.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

At the end of April, Zayn buys the flower shop and the apartment above it as he had promised. Harry comes over one weekend with his car to help them with the move and Zayn was right; the neighbourhood is more upscale and much safer to live in.

The apartment is massive, with three bedrooms and two balconies and a huge kitchen. Zayn claims one of the bedrooms to be an office for his writings and art and this time, Liam rooms with Louis and Niall rooms with Zayn.

It’s tiring and they only move their things the first day, with their furniture and their boxes and then arrange everything the next day, Harry there again to help.

‘’Don’t you have exams to study for?’’ Liam asks. ‘’You don’t have to be here, lad.’’

‘’I already studied,’’ Harry says. They’re sat in the living room with boxes of pizza for dinner. ‘’It’s not a big deal, promise.’’

‘’Lou, you alright?’’ Niall asks. Harry looks beside him and sees Louis’ eyes are glazed over. Every time he looks at him nowadays, Harry's shocked by the gaunt cheekbones, by the paleness of Louis' skin, by the bags under his eyes. He doesn’t look well and Harry wishes he knew why.

‘’I’m not hungry,’’ Louis says quietly before he stands up. ‘’I’m knackered. I think I’ll head to bed.’’

‘’You don’t have the night club tonight, right?’’ Zayn asks.

‘’No, I quit, remember? Can’t handle the hours anymore,’’ Louis shrugs; Harry notes that even just that move seems to have taken all his strength. ‘’Need to find another job soon,’’

‘’Well, don’t you worry about it,’’ Zayn says. ‘’I’ll pay this month’s bills.’’

‘’Me too,’’ Niall crows. ''I can chip in now.''

Niall had gotten what he’d wanted eventually, specially after finally being done with his physical therapy and shifting his dental appointments to the weekends. Harry is glad that the boys finally allowed it; he knows how much Niall had been eager for a job and well, it’s not a bad one. The restaurant owner where Zayn was working at was looking for a singer for the evening shifts and it’s just part-time and Niall went for the job interview with his guitar and nailed it. Since most of his online classes are during the day, Liam and Zayn were convinced and Louis eventually did too, as long as Niall’s grades don’t slip up, they’re okay with it but the moment he gets one A-, he will quit right away, no buts. Niall was eager enough to compromise.

‘’Happy for you, lad.’’ Louis tells Niall, his smile small and wan before he trudges to his room in silence.

After the door closes, Harry looks at the boys.

‘’You have got to tell me what’s going on,’’ he almost begs.

‘’Trust me, lad; I want to know too.’’ Liam sighs. ''He's been so quiet lately.''

‘’He looks miserable,’’ Niall admits. ‘’Right? It can’t just be me that’s noticed.’’

‘’I think it has to do with that night club.’’ Zayn says. ‘’He’s been down since he’d started working there.’’

‘’The hours are tough,’’ Liam notes. ‘’It can’t have been easy.’’

‘’But he’s quit already,’’ Harry points out. ‘’Why does it look as if he’s fading?’’

Harry is met with resounding silence, all of them wondering the same thing.

Why does Louis reek of sadness? Why?

Harry’s patience might hit its limit soon if he doesn’t find out.


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: severe panic attack and a brief mention of human trafficking (not described and is quite vague)

_I don't like my mind right now_   
_Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary_   
_Wish that I could slow things down_   
_I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic_   
_And I drive myself crazy_   
_Thinking everything's about me_   
_Yeah, I drive myself crazy_   
_'Cause I can't escape the gravity_

_I'm holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_   
_Holding on_   
_So much more than I can carry_   
_I keep dragging around what's bringing me down_   
_If I just let go, I'd be set free_   
_Holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_

_You say that I'm paranoid_   
_But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me_   
_It's not like I make the choice_   
_To let my mind stay so fucking messy_   
_I know I'm not the center of the universe_   
_But you keep spinning 'round me just the same_   
_I know I'm not the center of the universe_   
_But you keep spinning 'round me just the same_

_I'm holding on_   
_Why is everything so heavy?_

_-Linkin Park, Heavy_

Nothing makes sense anymore.

You see, life is actually perfect right now (or at least perfect compared to what it was before).

Zayn is writing his next masterpiece. Liam is turning their new apartment into their new home. Harry is around almost all the time. Niall is working, teeth all better and leg getting stronger and stronger.

But Louis feels like spiraling.

Zayn had insisted on paying the rest of Niall’s hospital bills. Liam was now taking care of Niall’s dental appointments as well as half of their bills. Niall had enough pocket money to spend on his own transportation, clothes and school supplies. They don’t have to pay rent anymore so it’s Louis’ job to pay for food and the other half of their bills. They’ve decided to save up for the diner until Liam’s done with his online marketing course and business night classes which he’s decided to take during the weekends. They can start working on the diner come the following year. With Zayn’s money from painting murals added to the savings, they’ve got a good head-start.

But for now, their future diner remains to be a flower shop, even if the owner has changed. Louis decided to quit the toy store and take up Zayn’s old job at the shop and Madam Rose was all too happy to keep coming around to open the place during the weekdays instead of the weekends while her daughter is at work.

It’s a big change in the pace of his life; he doesn’t have to work late at night anymore or rush to the bakery before the crack of dawn from the night club. Moreover, Harry usually comes around after school and they go upstairs together when Louis’ shift ends at 6 pm.

It’s weird not seeing Niall around in the evenings and it must be weird for the lot of them too. Zayn would sometimes come out of his work space just to go and fetch Niall from the restaurant. Even Liam, when Zayn’s too engrossed in his art, he would call Niall when he’s on his way home just to make sure he’s okay. They know that Niall is a big boy and that he’s okay now but they’ve gotten so used to mothering him that they can’t break out of the habit easily. Niall doesn’t seem to be miffed by it; always all too happy to garner their attention.

Louis is so happy for him; happy that he did not end up crippled, happy for Zayn’s success, for Liam’s diligence, for the way life has turned out. Life is so perfect and he doesn’t have to worry about money all too much anymore, not when Zayn is fully and humbly supporting them now that his career is on the rise.

Which is why Louis doesn’t understand why every waking moment feels like the floor keeps swooping from underneath his feet…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Shh, shh, it’s okay, it’s okay, just wake up, babe. C’mon, just wake up.’’

He hears him before he sees him. He hears other things too; someone wailing, a whimpering mess.

‘’Open your eyes, c’mon. Lou!’’

He does when Harry shakes him roughly. Blinking up, he sees Harry straddling him, eyes wide as saucers, hands gripping the collar of his ratty hoodie.

‘’Shh, shh, it’s okay, there you are. It’s okay.’’ Harry soothes him, hands leaving his shirt and reaching for his face. Louis flinches.

‘’Get off,’’ he says, voice trembling as he sits up. He feels shaky, like he’d just run a marathon. He wipes sweat under his chin and realizes that he’s the one breathing harshly. He swallows and tries to tone it down.

‘’Another nightmare?’’ Harry asks from beside him, making Louis snap his head at him.

‘’What?’’

‘’Please tell me what’s wrong,’’ Harry begs. ''This isn't the first I had to wake you up like this.''

‘’Nothing’s…’’

‘’You’ve been having awful nightmares almost this entire week,’’ Harry interrupts him. ‘’Even before that; before the country club weekend, Lou. What’s going on? Tell me.’’

‘’I don’t know.’’ Louis says as he sits back. He blinks sweat out of his eyes and tries to stop trembling. He honestly doesn’t know why he still dreams of Allen, of Jonah, of all those fucked up people in that room. The thing is, his dreams are so distorted and it haunts him. He doesn’t know why he dreams of Niall getting into another car accident, why he dreams of Zayn’s career flopping, why he dreams of the boys kicking him out of the house and him finding no other choice but to find shelter in that room and beg to be fucked so long as he doesn’t end up in the streets. He dreams of Leona condemning him to an eternity of shame, of Harry kicking him to the curb. Mostly, he dreams about being useless and no one needing him anymore.

Everyone is going places; Niall is going to be a sound engineer one day, Liam will turn that diner into a successful business, Zayn will conquer the world with his paintings and writings and Harry will teach the brilliant minds of the future and him…what will become of him? Who would want someone who used to sell his body? Who has no talent, no brains? Who…?

‘’Lou,’’ Harry says gently, catching his eyes.

‘’What?’’

‘’Be here with me,’’ Harry begs. ‘’Please,’’

Louis remembers that Harry had asked his parents if he could stay over for the next couple of weeks. Louis doesn't know how they agreed but Harry has been here, has been sharing his bed with him. It’s a tight fit but Louis doesn’t mind cuddling Harry to sleep.

Since Niall finishes work at 9, the boy usually wait for him to come home to have a late dinner together. Louis usually opts for a nap after his shift at the flower shop and Harry usually sits next to him in bed, studying or doing homework.

Louis wonders if he’s been bothering Harry with his nightmares this whole time.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Louis says, reaching for Harry’s hand. ‘’I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.’’

He should be over it. He shouldn't be thinking about the night club anymore, shouldn't be thinking about the money he got from there.

‘’Nothing’s wrong with you,’’ Harry is quick to assure. ‘’You just…’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I feel like I’m losing you.’’ Harry gently reaches for his face, cupping his cheek and Louis sees visceral pain in Harry’s eyes. He knows his face looks gaunt, cheekbone all sharp and bony. Louis doesn’t know why Harry bothers to stick around for him. ‘’And I don’t know why.’’

Louis doesn’t know why either.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The next day after his shift at the flower shop, Harry tells him that Liam gave him a grocery list and asked if Louis could go with him shopping.

‘’Sure,’’ Louis says as he closes the shop down. He’s glad the marks on his neck and wrists are all gone now that the weather is easing up. Sometimes though, and he doesn’t know why, but sometimes he finds himself looking for them in the mirror, any hint of a blemish or a patch of bruised skin. He feels like his time at the night club was all a dream, like it didn’t really happen. He has no proof of his time spent there, of what he did there and he feels like, without the marks, it was all for nothing.

Harry grabs his hand as they walk the short way to the grocery store. It took them a night of exploring the neighbourhood to find the important places that they’re going to need to frequent a lot, like the grocery store, the library, the café nearby when Zayn needed a coffee fix to pull an all-nighter. Aside from his upcoming book, he has multiple orders of murals and paintings from Mr. Azoff’s associates and Zayn likes the challenge but it just means nights upon nights of not leaving his art room and only coming out to go and get Niall from work.

‘’You cold?’’ Harry asks, rubbing his hand between his palms. Truth is; he always feels cold. Maybe it’s the lack of food. He just has no appetite nowadays.

‘’Not really,’’ he lies. He’s gotten so good at it that it comes all too easy for him. The thing is Harry looks at him, the way he does now, like he can see right through him and Louis feels instant shame, enough to look away for being caught out. It’s easy, lying to the boys but he doesn’t understand how Harry is immune to it. Maybe it’s because his soul is pure and intact. He’s too untarnished by the world that he knows instantly when someone is lying to him.

‘’Right.’’ Harry’s lips purse in discontent. They don’t say anything as they finally reach the grocery shop and to be fair, Louis is glad for the warmth.

‘’Where’s Liam’s list?’’ Louis asks quietly. Harry hands it over to him before he grabs a rolling cart. He still doesn’t let go of his hand.

‘’Where to first?’’

Louis frees his hand from Harry’s grip so that he can unfold the list. It’s a long one, which means they’re down on supplies. They can afford little luxuries now that Zayn sometimes pitches in when he sells more than one painting a day. He doesn’t always have time to deliver them so one of Harry’s mates from school called Michael Clifford is now delivering them for him by bike and earning some money on the side. It was nice knowing that Harry did have good friends keeping him company at school.

Louis has his own money with him and he really doesn’t mind splurging on the boys even if he’s not earning as much as he did back when he worked for Nick’s. Most of the leftover money from his time there had gone to the savings account that Liam had opened for their diner. Louis still has no idea what possible role could he play there in order to contribute.

For now, he focuses on the list in his hands.

‘’Let’s get the condiments first.’’ Louis says. Harry pushes the trolley while Louis picks up the supplies. He makes sure to check for discounts and coupons and admonishes Harry for picking out the fancy stuff without looking at the pricing. He knows that Harry isn’t a spoiled brat and is just trying to get a laugh out of him but Louis is not in the mood.

He’s debating between two jars of pasta sauce when he feels hands on his waist.

‘’What are you t…’’

Harry doesn’t finish because Louis flinches so badly and almost loses his footing when his back hits the end of the trolley.

‘’Don’t scare me like that.’’ Louis berates. His heart is beating so fast and he knows he was a bit loud but he can’t help but feel a little bit like a live wire.

‘’I..I’m sorry,’’ Harry apologizes and Louis feels bad for the confused hurt on his face. ‘’I thought I could help. You were thinking so deeply.’’

‘’It’s nothing,’’ Louis says before he reaches for one of the jars by random and drops it in the trolley.

‘’Are you mad at me?’’ Harry asks when Louis by-passes him so that he can look at the produce. Harry follows next to him with the cart.

‘’Why would I be mad at you?’’ Louis asks warily.

‘’Stop it with this passive aggressive bullshit.’’ Harry snaps, putting the trolley in front of Louis, blocking his way. ‘’Can you actually look at me?’’

‘’What do you want from me, Haz?’’ Louis asks as he turns to him.

‘’I want you to talk to me…’’

‘’I am talking to you,’’ Louis says. ‘’We’re talking right now, here, in the produce aisle of all places.’’

‘’That’s not what I mean…’’

‘’Then what do you mean?’’

‘’Lou…’’ Harry sighs, looking at him plaintively. ‘’You didn’t use to be like this.’’

‘’Like what?’’

‘’For one, you always looked me in the eye when we talked.’’ Harry points out. ‘’And you used to sleep easy when I’m around, you always ate whatever I made for you, even if you couldn't finish it and now you don’t even bother to finish your tea. Am I doing something wrong?’’

‘’No, Haz…’’

‘’Am I pressuring you? Asking too much? Pushing you? Anything, Lou!’’ Harry snaps again, a desperate look on his face. ‘’Because I have done nothing but give you space but every time I touch you, it’s like I’m burning you! What gives?’’

‘’Can we please not do this here?’’ Louis grits, noticing the eyes of the people around them and if there is something that Louis hates more than fighting with Harry, is the feel of his skin crawling when he sees people looking at him. He knows they’re not undressing him with their eyes, he knows they’re not like his clients but he can’t help but feel trapped under so many gazes from strangers.

‘’Fine, but we’re talking when he we go home once and for all.’’ Harry says sternly. ‘’Okay?’’

Louis just nods before he pushes the trolley towards Harry.

‘’Can you go get soy milk and fresh orange juice, please?’’ Louis asks quietly, giving Harry the list and pointing at some of the items listed at the bottom of the paper. ‘’You’ll find these five things in the same area. I know what to get from here.’’

He knows he’s pushing Harry away but he needs some room to breathe and Harry looks at him with sad understanding. Louis hates putting that look on his face.

‘’Fine,’’ Harry sighs. He grabs the list but leaves the trolley behind. ‘’My hands will do.’’

Louis doesn’t argue with him.

He keeps the trolley beside him while he bags some lemons and tomatoes. His hands are shaking slightly and he knows it’s because he hasn’t eaten anything since breakfast which was just a bowl of cereal and nothing else.

He doesn’t want to talk with Harry when he goes home. He knows what will happen if he tells him and he doesn’t want to see that look of disgust on his face. It's a look he's seen in Jonah's eyes, like he's some used whore. It haunts him, the possibility of being rejected by the one person who is keeping him sane and he already feels fragile enough as it is.

He keeps his face down as he bags some bananas and apples next. He doesn’t know where his anxiety is coming from, doesn’t know why he’s so wary of people, so hyper aware of his surroundings but…

‘’Are you traveling next week?’’

‘’Yeah, you know me. I hate London in the winter.’’

‘’It’s not really winter anymore.’’

‘’Still, it’s so god-awful cold.’’

No…

That voice…

No………

Louis takes a peak through his fringe and sees Allen pushing a trolley to a stop and standing at the end of the produce aisle. There’s an elderly woman between them, right in the middle, keeping Louis hidden from view. There’s a man next to Allen, dressed in a casual suit and he looks…familiar.

‘’But you’re rarely around anymore.‘’ Allen says as he bags some vegetables. ‘’And you haven’t compensated for the weekend loss I’ve suffered.’’

‘’Ah, I should’ve known there’s a catch.’’ The man laughs.

‘’I’m being serious, Winston. Talk to Nick, already yeah? I know he's a good scout.’’

Louis is rigid as they start coming closer to him. He can barely breathe, wants the ground to swallow him up.

They come to a stop right behind him next to the frozen section and Louis wants to die.

He recognizes the other man now and he can hardly believe it; Nick’s boss is the same man that took Harry and Niall? That Ben is the Ben Winston?

‘’Look, I said I’ll make it up to you and I will.’’ Ben says. ‘’It’s not like I can force anyone to keep working for me; that would be illegal.’’

‘’I would’ve paid exclusively, you know I’m good on my promises.’’ Allen says and Louis knows he’s smirking; he’s been on the receiving end of his smirks whenever Allen chokes the life out of him.

He feels dizzy all of a sudden, has to grip the low counter in front of him to stay on his feet. His sight is going hazy, flashes of fingers and black eyes…

‘’Ben!’’

Oh no…

Louis looks up behind his shoulder just in time to see Harry and Ben hug it out.

They know each other?

‘’Hey lad, it’s been a while!’’ Ben says jovially.

Louis cannot be here, he cannot see this.

‘’Yeah, since Manchester,’’ Harry says, a dimpled smile on his face. ‘’Margaret put me up with a good family here in London.’’

‘’She did now, did she?’’ Ben muses.

''Yeah, I still can't thank you enough for getting me all my phone privileges.'' Harry says. 

''Nah, Miss Sanders helped a lot.''

''Still, I never got the chance to tell you before I was transferred.''

''Don't think about it.'' Ben says before he turns to Allen. ‘’Now, I haven’t introduced you to a friend of mine. This is Allen. Allen, this is Harry, one of the kids from the foster care system that moved to London.’’

‘’Not a foster kid anymore.’’ Harry reminds him before he shakes hands with Allen.

For a moment there, Louis whites out.

''Hi, nice to meet you.’’

‘’Likewise.’’ Harry says politely.

‘’Allen and I go way back since college.’’ Ben says.

‘’I’m honestly glad he came back to his senses and picked up his family business.’’ Allen continues. ‘’Working in social services really took a toll on him.’’

‘’What do you do now?’’ Harry asks Ben.

‘’My father was getting old in his years and asked me to come back and handle his night club franchise just like he’d wanted me to do. I didn’t like the way he did business back then but after he passed away last June, I finally had free reign.’’

Oh…

‘’So you own a night club now?’’ Harry asks.

‘’More than a couple, yeah,’’ Ben chuckles. ‘’I was cut off at some point in my life because of things my father did not approve of and well, he was just too strict, you know? But it’s not a bad life now, it feels like coming full circle more like.’’

‘’Right,’’ Harry nods and that’s when Louis knows that things are about to take a turn for the worse. ‘’You know, Louis is here with me.’’ Harry looks up and down the aisle before he catches his eye and waves him over. ‘’C’mere, Lou.’’

He sees the look of recognition in Allen’s face as he takes the few steps towards them. He sees Ben lose a bit of his cool as he steps up next to Harry. He still has the plastic bag of bananas and apples in his hands, gripping them with white knuckles.

‘’Lou, you remember Ben?’’ Harry asks. Louis sees him about to put his hand around his shoulder but Louis takes a slight step back so Harry’s hand flops in the air before Louis steps forward.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis croaks, trying not to wilt under Allen’s sharp gaze. ‘’I remember him taking you and Niall away.’’

‘’I was just doing my job,’’ Ben points out before he smiles politely. ‘’Nothing personal.’’

‘’Right,’’

‘’Hi, I’m Allen.’’ Louis turns his face and sees Allen’s hand extended towards him. ‘’Nice to meet you.’’

Louis knows that Ben knows him, knew him all along. He probably even knows what Allen had done to him, what all those clients had done to him. Is this why he refused to meet him this whole time?

If it wasn’t for Harry, Louis doesn’t know how Ben would have really reacted to seeing him. But if it wasn’t for Harry, he also wouldn’t be shaking hands with Allen right now.

‘’Same,’’ Louis says, breaking eye contact when Allen presses a little too hard with the handshake before letting him go. ‘’Harry, we have to go.’’

‘’Right, well, we have to get going.’’ Harry says. Louis leaves him to it as he returns to the trolley and drops the bags of produce in it a little carelessly, like he’d lost his grip on reality.

‘’Nice seeing you, Louis.’’ Ben says as Harry grips the handle of the trolley.

‘’Me too,’’ Allen says a little too sharply.

Louis just nods before he turns towards the meat section.

‘’Lou, are you okay?’’

Louis ignores him; he feels drained of colour. He wants to bleach his eyes, wants to wipe the memory of Allen ever laying a hand on Harry. He wishes he’d never worked at the night club, wishes he’d never been so desperate.

What had he been thinking?

‘’Lou, what’s wrong?’’ Harry asks. He knows he’s breathing harshly and the meat vendor is looking at him impatiently.

‘’Can I wait in the car, please?’’ Louis asks desperately. ‘’I don’t feel so good.’’

‘’Sure,’’ Harry says, concern etched on his face. ‘’Here, take the keys. I’ll finish up here.’’

Louis doesn’t say anything else before he grabs the keys and gets the fuck out of there.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He should’ve just driven straight out of the parking lot, even if it means leaving Harry behind.

Now, he’s trapped against the passenger door, jammed between the car and Allen’s body pressed against his back, Ben standing casually next to him.

‘’I want him.’’ Allen demands, like as if he’s not even there.

''No...''

''Ben, I want him.'' Allen insists, holding his arms behind his back and pressing him further into the car. ''I know you can make it happen.''

‘’Allen, please.’’ Ben says with a breeze, his words like a simple swat of a fly. His hands don't even leave the pockets of his trousers as he leans against the car. ‘’I don’t do that anymore.’’

‘’Do what?’’ Louis asks boldly, even though he’s shaking like a leaf.

‘’You really think I worked for social services just for kicks?’’ Ben snorts. ‘’All those boys and girls in my grasp…c’mon, Lewis, you’re a smart, lad.’’

Louis suspected that, he really did but to have it confirmed like that...

‘’Harry and Niall…’’

‘’Nah, they got away from me.’’ Ben says before he sighs. ‘’Margaret, that devil of a woman; always by the book, always going after the souls that can’t be saved and Bella and Phil,'’ Ben says with disgust. ''They truly are selfless heroes but such a pain, you know? Glad I don't associate with them anymore.''

And to think that Louis hated Margaret, Louis thinks. Fuck, Ben is a monster compared to her, compared to all of them.

‘’Anyways, I was getting too close to getting arrested until my old man passed away.’’ Ben says. ‘’It was my chance to get the hell out of Manchester and start fresh, make the business legal and all, using the night clubs as a disguise. I mean, no one forced you to be in that room, Lewis. You and I both know that, right?’’

Louis knows that and he knows it will forever be held over his head but Allen's possessively holding him like he wants to buy him again and Louis won’t accept that, not this time, not ever again.

‘’I still want him.’’ Allen grits out, shoving a leg between Louis’ thighs.

‘’Oh for fuck's sake, get a grip! We’re in public.’’ Ben snaps and pushes Allen away, much to Louis’ relief. ‘’I already told you I’ll get you a replacement. Behave yourself.’’

Louis turns around and hugs his arms around himself. He wants to know what makes Allen and Ben friends, enough for the latter to cater to the former man’s whims. But then again, he doesn’t know anything about Allen’s job. He’d rather not know.

‘’You better get someone just as good at taking it, you hear me?’’ Allen threatens before he looks Louis up and down with his predatory eyes. ‘’God, you were one fine piece of meat, Lewis. Still are, babe…’’

‘’Yeah, we’re going.’’ Ben says as he grabs Allen’s arm. ‘’I’m sorry about him. Enjoy your life, Lewis.’’

Ben gets Allen out of there and a few second later, they’re laughing like a pack of hyenas.

Louis sinks to the cold ground, heart rabbiting inside his chest.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

When Harry finally comes out of the store with the trolley, it’s a proper 15 minutes later. The line at the cashier was long and he’d worked up a proper frenzy. He’d dialled Louis’ phone, with the intention of keeping him company while he waited in the car all by his lonesome but Louis wouldn’t pick up his phone.

Now, Harry is sprinting towards his car, worried sick.

He only calms down when he sees Louis sat in the passenger seat.

‘’Hey Lou,’’ he says when he pops the back of the Rover. ‘’You okay?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis says, his voice a bit off. He really must be sick then.

Harry hurries with loading up the grocery bags before he pushes the trolley back with the others left in the parking lot. He speed-walks towards the car, closes the hood and finally, gets in the driver’s seat.

It’s only when they’re already in the main street, stuck in traffic that he looks over at Louis.

‘’How are you feeling?’’ Harry asks gently. Louis’ eyes are wide open, like he’d see a ghost. There’s sweat dotted on his upper lip and he looks pale.

‘’I wanna go home.’’ Louis stutters out before his chest heaves. ‘’Please.’’

Harry is now properly worried and when traffic eases, he presses on the accelerator a bit.

‘’Do you need a doctor?’’ Harry asks, wants to keep him talking. Louis looks the same when he’d wake up from a nightmare, all staccato breathing and hands lax by his sides, like he’s held helpless in his seat.

‘’Please…’’ Louis begs frantically. Much to his horror, he brings up his knees to his chest and starts crying and hyperventilating. ‘’Please, please, don’t do this…’’

‘’Do what?’’

‘’I can’t breathe. Stop….’’

Harry tries to keep his eyes on the road but it looks like Louis is on the verge of a panic attack.

‘’Lou…’’

‘’No, no….’’

''Baby, calm down...'' Harry feels torn; he doesn't know if he should keep his hands on the wheel or comfort Louis. 

''Help, please...''

‘’Louis!’’

He reaches out for his wrist, hopes to ground him with his touch, bring him back, anything...

His touch proves to be a fatal mistake.

‘’No! No!’’

‘’Fuck, Louis!!!’’

Harry didn’t even notice that Louis wasn’t wearing a seat-belt. Between one blink and the next, Louis’ gotten the car door open and is throwing himself unto incoming traffic.

‘’Louis!!!’’


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay; this chapter was supposed to be posted yesterday but work distracted me :c
> 
> Anyways, chapter inspired by a lovely Sterek (Stiles/Derek from teen wolf) fic called, ''Lovely Penmanship'' by the amazing DLanaDHZ. Do check out her fic :D

_Just have that secret hope_   
_Sometimes all we do is cope_   
_Somewhere on the steepest slope_   
_There'll be an endless rope_   
_And nobody crying._

-Patty Griffin, Nobody's crying

Harry thinks that maybe it’s a good sign that Louis wasn’t really all that aware of what happened after he threw himself out of the car.

You see, if he was aware, he would have realized that maybe what he did nearly gave him a heart attack.

Louis would have also broken his own heart in two if he knew that his little stint got Harry distracted enough that he hit the back of the car in front of him. If not for the fact that he had his seat-belt on, who knows what might’ve happened.

The air bags burst at him so fucking hard, it hurt his entire face. The seat belt was so tight around his chest that he felt like he couldn’t breathe as he was pressured forward in his seat from the momentum before he was flattened back hard.

For a second there, he was woozy from the pain and the shock of it all until he heard the sound of screaming tyres.

Louis….

‘’Lou…’’

He staggers out of the car after he manages to snap the seat-belt out of the way. He doesn’t know why he’s wheezing but his chest and face hurts so much. Still, he manages to turn around, uses the car for support and finds a man huddled over Louis and there’s blood on him.

Everything else…he doesn’t remember much else.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

They tell him in the hospital that he needed to be sedated.

Him and not Louis

The paramedics that arrived at the scene of the accident said that Louis wasn’t all that hurt since the driver of the other car hit the brakes right on time. It’s just that his collision with the road caused cuts all over his arms, from his hands all the way to his shoulders. They had to remove gravel embedded in the palms of his hands. His face also got scratched from the asphalt road and he’d skinned his knees from the fall too but other than that he’s physically in one piece.

But Harry did not know any of that. All he saw was Louis throwing himself out of his car and another driver asking him if he was alright and Louis was just there, on the ground, eyes big and unresponsive.

Harry tried to snap him out of it but Louis wasn’t with him, like he’d slipped entirely from his grasp and Harry thought he was genuinely hurt, broken bones and all. He was delirious with panic and fear that the driver whose car he’d hit thought he was the one who was injured and told the paramedics that he needed treatment.

They told him that it took a herculean effort to get him to let Louis go and knocking him out was the only way.

Now, he’s holding an ice-pack to his face and he’s got his chest wrapped up from the couple of ribs that were severely bruised from the impact of the air bags. He got lucky, he was told.

He doesn’t feel lucky.

...........................................................................................................................................

He’s on a bed, in a room full of other beds and people but he isn’t too injured to lie down and he’s too anxious, wants to know if Louis is alright or not.

His mum had checked on him first until Harry told her that Louis was with him in the car and that they didn’t ride in the same ambulance together. Anne immediately left the moment the ER doctor told her that Harry was free to go and just needs to rest and take it easy for at least one week.

She was surprised when Harry recounted the incident after a policeman came by. They all know that neither boy was drunk but Harry insisted that Louis wasn’t feeling well and maybe just needed to throw up. Harry honestly doesn’t know how to explain what happened.

And now, the boys are with him (thank god his phone survived the crash) after he’d called them and they’re waiting for Anne to come back.

‘’He threw himself out of the car?’’ Liam asks for what feels like the umpteenth time.

‘’Yes, Liam.’’ Harry sighs. ‘’I told you already.’’

‘’It’s just so unlike him.’’ Zayn says. They all can’t seem to grasp the situation –hell, Harry can barely understand what happened and he was there- but he’s tired of their questioning.

‘’Where’s Niall?’’ Harry asks warily.

‘’At work,’’ Zayn answers before he pulls his phone out. ‘’I’ll tell him to come over when he’s done.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry says before his eyes return to the door. His mum’s been gone for too long.

Harry hopes the aching in his chest is just the bruising and not because of some dreadful feeling.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Anne isn’t ashamed to use her status as a defense attorney to find out about Louis’ situation. Deep down, she’s slightly mad at what he’s put Harry through but she knows that there must be a reason for it.

She’s met Louis several times now, enough to know what warranted Harry's love for him, because honestly, Louis is lovely. She knows that Harry is dead-set on him, loves him to bits and she knows that the feeling is mutual, which is why it doesn’t make sense that the Louis she is looking at now is the same one that she’s last seen back at Zayn’s party.

The boy back then was bubbly and all genuine smiles, if not a bit pale and shaky. Anne always had to hold back on being too invasive, on sending the boys bags of groceries because she understood the feeling of wanting to make something out of your own hard work and they were doing fine. Harry assured her of that and she saw it with her own eyes.

What she’s seeing now is entirely different.

‘’Louis? Sweetheart?’’

They’d put Louis in an isolated room and the moment she found out, she was confused. She asked for his room number and was told instead to speak with the physician treating him first. She was escorted to the hallway outside of Louis’ room and asked to wait until the doctor came to her.

But Louis was right there; she can see him through the glass door and the mother in her couldn’t wait...

She enters the room quietly but not enough for Louis not to notice her presence.

He's sitting by the side of the bed, hunched and rigid. His arms are bandaged and there’s gauze plastered to his cheekbone and forehead. He doesn’t even look up at her.

‘’Louis? It’s Anne.’’ She tries again until she grabs a chair and takes a seat so that she’s an inch below Louis’ height. His eyes are wide open and he looks tightly coiled. ‘’Sweetheart, it’s okay. Talk to me.’’

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Louis gasps out. ‘’I hurt him.’’

‘’Harry’s fine,’’ she assures him. ‘’He’s alright. He’s just worried about you.’’

‘’Take him away from me.’’ Louis stutters, big scared eyes turning to her. ‘’Please.’’

Anne feels more confused now. Did they break up?

‘’Sweetheart, did you argue? Did you have a fight or something?’’

Louis turns frustrated eyes away, his fingers wrapped around his wrist, nails of his other hand digging in to the meat of his thighs.

‘’Please…’’

‘’Mrs. Styles?’’

Anne looks behind her and sees a doctor looking at her.

‘’Would you please step outside for a moment?’’ she asks politely.

Anne doesn’t want to leave Louis, is utterly perplexed by his words, his actions but alas, she gets up without another word.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’I’m sorry, what?’’ Anne asks, shocked.

‘’Well, it means…’’

‘’I know what it means; I’m a defense lawyer for crying out loud.’’ She snaps but then she sighs. Post-traumatic stress disorder? Why would Louis be exhibiting signs of PTSD? Anxiety, sure. Even Harry had that in the early days, separation anxiety to be more accurate and she knows what type of upbringing the boys have been through, is sure that its left some scars but what she’s hearing right now is far from what she had expected.

‘’Well, I’ve talked to him.’’ Dr. Brown says, a petite woman with black-rimmed glasses. ‘’And I think throwing himself out of the car was panic-attack induced. He mentioned symptoms of hyperventilating, seeing flashes of things and hyper vigilance. Has he been through…’’

‘’He was a foster care kid.’’ Anne interrupts. ‘’But he’s fine. He’s a functioning individual. He works. My son is his boyfriend and…’’

‘’Then there’s something he’s not telling you.’’ Dr. Brown says carefully. ‘’Something big, something awful. He needs counselling and…’’

‘’You’re telling me he’s traumatized.’’ Anne concludes.

‘’Yes and he’s keeping it all bottled up.’’ Dr. Brown says. ‘’It’s eating away at him mentally, emotionally and physically; he looks self-starved and for a boy his age, he’s severely underweight. For someone supposedly functioning, what he did today was far from sane.’’

‘’He’s not crazy.’’ Anne hisses, defensive like a mother lion.

‘’I didn’t say he was but he is mentally in shock.’’ Dr. Brown says kindly. ‘’You need to find out what’s wrong. Something is crippling him with fear and we need to know what that is.’’

Anne nods. She plans on it. She loves Louis, loves him like her own children but he’d put himself and Harry in danger today, whether he meant it or not. She can’t let that happen again.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’Dad’s bungalow?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Yes, I think a change of scenery will be good for him.’’ Anne says. They’re in the waiting room after Harry’s been checked out and found Niall bursting in, demanding to see Louis.

Good thing that Anne knows how to calm people down somewhat.

‘’Why would you take him from us?’’ Niall demands.

‘’I’m not taking him away from any of you,’’ Anne assures him. She doesn’t want to tell them what Dr. Brown said, doesn’t want them to follow Louis to the edge. She knows how co-dependent they are; she’s seen it in the way Zayn and Liam interact with Niall, seen it in the way Harry is with Louis and for Louis to heal from whatever it is he’s going through; he needs to put himself first for once. ‘’I just think he needs a break,’’ Anne continues. ‘’He’s obviously not well and he needs to recuperate. He’s been working too hard.’’

‘’Can’t we talk to him?’’ Liam asks.

‘’He’s asleep,’’ Anne lies. ‘’Look, I’ll drive him and Harry there myself and I won’t leave him. In fact, I already called work and will take some time off.’’

‘’You diverted your cases?’’ Harry asks, surprised.

‘’Yeah, I can do that.’’ Anne shrugs. She’s successful enough to warrant a week or two off. And honestly, she doesn’t mind; Louis is family and right now, her family needs her. ‘’You can stay with me if you’d like.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry nods just like she’d expected.

‘’Are you really sure about this?’’ Zayn asks, ever so shrewd. ‘’Did Louis agree to this?’’

‘’He will call you as soon as he is able.’’ Anne assures him. ‘’He’s in good hands, I promise.’’

The boys are reluctant to leave but Anne confirms that Louis has his phone on him and will call them the moment they arrive. After she gets them to leave, she takes Harry aside.

‘’Listen baby,’’ she starts. ‘’Maybe you should go home. I’ll call Gemma and…’’

‘’What?’’ Harry recoils. ‘’But you said…’’

‘’Something is wrong with him,’’ Anne says carefully. ‘’Something very wrong. You know it. I know it and…’’

‘’I’m not leaving him.’’ Harry shakes his head. ‘’You promised me…’’

‘’Honey, I’m not trying to separate you again.’’ Anne assures him. ‘’But this is different, he’s hurt and I need to know what hurt him. What happened tonight could have been far worse and you could’ve…’’

‘’It wasn’t on purpose!’’ Harry snaps. ‘’Mum, he needs me. I don’t care if it’s to vent or shout or whatever. He needs me. He loves me.’’

‘’Baby…’’

‘’You’re not getting me to walk out of here.’’ Harry interrupts.

‘’Harry, don’t use that tone with me.’’ She warns.

‘’Mum, I’ll still go to school.’’ Harry says hurriedly. ‘’I’ll clean up after him, I’ll cook and you can work in your office and I won’t be a bother. I promise. Please.’’

Anne knows a losing battle when she sees one. She’s had this conversation with Harry a million times; every time he grabs his car keys and says he’s staying over at Louis’ place, ever since they reconnected, she knew this would happen, that she won’t be able to keep Harry all to herself the way she knows is irrational. She’s just too over-protective, too loving to a fault and she knows she shouldn’t be that way, shouldn’t be too controlling of things she has no control of, like how much her son loves that broken boy down the hall, the boy who loves her son so much, he’d willingly distance himself just so that he won’t hurt him again.

‘’Okay,’’ Anne sighs. ‘’Just…’’

‘’Thank you,’’ Harry hugs her tightly. ‘’I love you. You’re the best.’’

‘’Yeah, yeah,’’ she cannot help but hug him back. ''Just don't push yourself, your chest is still bruised.''

''I'll live,'' Harry smiles, even though it makes him wince. Anne just tots at him.

She just hopes she’s doing the right thing.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

When Robin and Gemma arrive, she tells all three of them about what Dr. Brown said about Louis and they all agree that the quiet of the bungalow will do Louis a lot of good. Harry accepts the clothes that Anne had asked Gemma to get from home. After Robin pays the bills and goes home with Gemma, Anne takes the clothes and enters Louis’ room. She’d sent Harry to the parking lot to get her car ready so she hopes Louis won’t be difficult.

He isn’t. In fact, he’s very docile when she asks him to get dressed and is very quiet when they both get into the car.

Anne cuts Harry a look so he remains in his seat and drives in silence towards the bungalow. Louis just looks out the window, like Harry is barely there. Anne had made sure to text Harry to lock the car doors from the front as soon as they arrive and is glad her son had taken heed of her instructions. She feels stressed at the thought of Harry behind the wheel again and is glad that the traffic is not too heavy.

And then they were off into the night.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Nick?’’

Louis had noticed his phone was with him, still intact and all. He figured now is the chance to ask what’s been eating at him this whole time.

Anne had just left his room and knowing her, she will probably do whatever it takes to fix him because that’s what she is; she fixes people, she sees broken things and takes them in and glues them back together.

Louis doesn’t mind; he just pities her efforts. He doesn’t think his scars can be healed. He isn’t like Harry. You see, Harry isn’t stupid, he isn’t a disappointment. He’s loving and kind and brave and with just a little glue and a warm house, he's become the Harry he is now; confident and sweet and wholly good at heart.

He isn’t like Harry because no glue can soak his scars deep enough to weld his skin back together. There’s not enough warmth that can siphon the cold out of his heart.

There’s also not much that he can take anymore.

‘’Oh hey babe,’’ Nick says, voice a bit crackled before coming through all clean. Louis is sure he’s getting the night ready back at the club. ‘’It’s been a while.’’

‘’Yeah, wanted to catch up a bit.’’

‘’Need some cash?’’ Nick asks before he continues. ‘’You know, that Allen guy, he was proper mad when I told him you no longer work here. He passed by several times during the weekdays, probably thought he could book you at a different hour. Man, you sure know how to…’’

‘’Ben Winston.’’ Louis interrupts.

‘’Yes, what about him?’’ Nick says after a moment of careful silence.

‘’Did he fuck me?’’ Louis asks, no preamble, no embellishments.

‘’…’’

‘’Answer me,’’ Louis says. ‘’I won’t be mad.’’

‘’Why would you be mad?’’

‘’Just tell me.’’ Louis is close to begging. ‘’I need to know.’’

‘’What difference would it make?’’

‘’Nothing so just tell me.’’ Louis insists. ‘’He knew me, didn’t he? Before he met me, he knew me.’’

‘’Yeah, so?’’

‘’And what? Did he think I’d tell him no?’’

‘’You would have thrown a fit!’’

‘’Oh, the way I did with every other guy I said no to?’’ Louis snaps back, his skin crawling like ants. ‘’Just answer me already!’’

‘’Fine, fine. He did fuck you. So what?’’ Nick says, aloof. ‘’He even paid for you, just like a normal customer. Usually, he samples the babes for free.’’

‘’Why the exception?’’ Louis wants to puke. ‘’Why did he fuck me like that?’’

‘’Nothing really, that’s just how he does business and just because he knew you, didn’t mean you should be the exception. He liked you enough though that he paid for your time and you know, he is rarely that generous so count your blessings. Besides, I even got a cut so you helped me out too. A win-win for everyone, yeah?’’

‘’He’s Allen’s friend.’’ Louis says, voice dead. ''I saw them earlier tonight.''

‘’Dude, they’re step-brothers.’’

What?

‘’What?’’

‘’Yeah, but they like to keep it on the down low, something about Ben being a bastard son, I don't know. To everybody, they're like mates from uni and nothing else. But kinky right?’’ Nick laughs. ‘’They both wanted to fuck you at the same time but Allen doesn’t like sharing so…’’

‘’So…he waited until he was done so that Ben could fuck me right after and…’’

‘’Babe, you’re so dim.’’ Nick laughs. ‘’Allen never left the room, man. Ben fucked you while Allen watched by the door. That’s how much you turned him on, you sexy doll. You should be honoured, getting a man like that so crazy for you. I mean, did you know he had a hit and run accident last year and got away with it? He’s that powerful. Rumour has it that he had some babe sucking him off while he was behind the wheel and that he was so out of it with lust that he hit some poor passer-by because he lost control of the car. He had to drag the kid to some alleyway with his dick still out of his pants.’’ Nick guffaws.

Louis’ blood runs cold.

‘’When did this happen?’’

‘’I don’t know, like, last November maybe.’’ Nick says. Louis can hear the sound of clinking glass in the background which means that Nick is somewhere near the bar, maybe in the storage room. ‘’He dropped the babe back at the club here and got drunk out of his mind, was telling me all about it by the bar. I didn’t believe a word he said but man, what a story.’’

‘’Did he say what the kid looked like? The one he’d hit?’’

‘’He was getting his duck sucked off, Lewis! How could he fucking now?’’ Nick laughs incredulously. ‘’All he said was that it was the best head he ever had and that the blonde kid will surely survive. He left him beside a homeless shelter, it’s not like any of the goody two-shoes Samaritans working there won’t notice him.’’

Oh my god….

‘’I gotta go,’’ Louis heaves before he hangs up. He rushes to the connecting bathroom and throws up his meager breakfast and maybe what’s left of his soul.

When Anne escorts him to the car, he’s numb to the core.

He can feel Harry’s gaze on him, can smell Anne’s perfume from where she’s sat next to him in the backseat of the car.

But he can’t feel his limbs, weighed down by the heaviness in his heart and the fat drops of rain heaving up a storm of pain in his head.

He wishes he could hand Niall a knife and let him stab him. He wishes Zayn could turn him into a zombie so that he doesn’t have to feel anymore.

Mostly, he wishes he’d died on the road tonight. He wants that with all his heart.

Too bad he needs to suffer just a little longer.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’Why am I here?’’ he asks quietly. He didn’t say anything when Harry drove him up to the unfamiliar place, said nothing when he was seated in the living room while Harry and Anne assigned rooms.

All he has on him are borrowed clothes from Harry and his phone and wallet.

It’s late and he wants to go home.

‘’Mum said you needed a break,’’ Harry tells him. The room he’s in has a single bed but there’s a wardrobe next to a connecting bathroom. ‘’As a result, you even get the best room in the house.’’

‘’I have work tomorrow.’’ Louis reminds him.

‘’Zayn took care of it.’’

‘’Do the boys know?’’

‘’About what?’’

‘’That I’m here?’’

‘’Yeah, Lou.’’ Harry assures him as he puts some clothes on the bed-side table. ‘’These used to be mine. I think they’ll fit you.’’

‘’Do you know?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’Why I’m really here?’’

Harry kneels down in front of him gingerly but keeps his distance. Louis doesn’t want to be touched and he appreciates it.

‘’I’m waiting for you to tell me,’’ Harry says kindly.

‘’You shouldn’t be around me.’’

‘’Because of the accident?’’ Harry asks.

‘’I hurt you.’’

‘’I’m not hurt.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’You’re the one all wrapped up in bandages.’’

‘’You know what I mean.’’

Harry nods; there’s a lump growing in his throat at the sight of Louis looking ready to bolt at any given moment, looking so uncomfortable with himself, so conscious of the way Harry is looking at him.

‘’I know,’’ Harry starts. ‘’that something terrible has happened to you, something that’s making you so afraid.’’ He swallows. ‘’And I know its haunting you. I know it’s hurting you deeply and I know that you’re too ashamed to tell me…’’

‘’You have no idea,’’ Louis shuts his eyes. He hasn’t once managed a proper eye contact the moment they started talking, either keeping his eyes down or looking over Harry’s shoulder or behind him. ‘’What terrible things I’ve done.’’

‘’I wouldn’t know unless you tell me.’’ Harry proposes gently. ‘’I won’t know how to help unless you…’’

‘’You can’t help me.’’ Louis bursts into sudden tears, back hunching further. ‘’It’s too late. I’m ruined.’’

Harry doesn’t want to push him, not so soon and he wants to hug him so bad but his mum warned him off touch, said that it’s not a good idea, not when Louis is so volatile and emotionally unstable.

‘’You will tell me.’’ Harry just says before his voice gives out but he picks it up again. He can’t be the one who needs somebody right now, not when Louis is falling apart in front of him. ‘’You will tell me everything and I will love you through it all. I will love you no matter what and I will wait for you, no matter what.’’

Louis tries not to make a sound as he cries and it comes out choked and stifled, and it hurts, it smarts seeing him like that, so closed off, like an alarm clock wailing inside a vacuum-pumped jar.

‘’Goodnight, Lou.’’ Harry says before he gets up. ‘’I’ll just be in the room next to you if you need anything and mum is here too. Love you.’’

He manages to find the strength to walk away.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The next morning, Louis is startled out of a bad dream.

He rolls to his side and gags, but it comes out empty. He hasn’t had anything to eat since yesterday morning but he doesn’t think he can stomach anything either.

Remnants of Nick’s words and Allen and Ben’s cackles crawl over him and he cover his head with his arms protectively. His chest burns with ache and his breathing becomes more rapid with every passing moment. He feels trapped in his clothes and tied with rope. He wants out of that room, he wants the wardrobe door to open so that he can be sure there’s nothing there, wants to check the door and make sure Paul isn’t standing behind it, make sure Allen isn’t watching him. He feels lost in a sea of torment, unable to find a surface. He can’t breathe. He wants to call Niall, check up on him. He can’t breathe!

“Louis?’’

A calm, familiar voice shocks him. Still heaving, his eyes open and he finds Anne kneeling on the floor beside his bed.

‘’Where am I?’’ he asks, his voice trembling almost violently.

‘’You’re in my bungalow.’’ Anne says calmly. ‘’You were in the hospital last night and Harry drove us here per my request. You’ve been having bad dreams all night. We could hear you but you’re awake now. You’re okay.’’

His breathing slows down in increments. Where-? Bungalow? His eyes skitter around the room. It isn’t his shared room back in the new apartment. He isn’t on a hospital bed. The room is not too big but one entire wall has a set of double windows, the one with the sliding doors and the view outside is all green and fenced in. It looks secure.

‘’You hungry?” Anne asks.

‘’I’m okay?’’ Louis asks, not that he heard her in the first place.

‘’You will be.’’ Anne says, her voice full of determination and promise. ‘’I’ll make sure of it.’’

Closing his eyes against a headache, he says, “Why can’t you just give up on me? Harry deserves better.’’

‘’If you think you can use my son against me, you’re utterly mistaken.’’ Anne says, making him open his eyes but they look away quickly in shame. ‘’He’s done nothing wrong to deserve this mistreatment and lack of trust from you.’’

‘’I’m sorry,’’

‘’I’m not reprimanding you.’’ Anne says softly. ‘’Louis, please tell me why you’re so afraid. I just want to help...''

‘’I can’t, please I can’t…Something bad will happen, I know it…’’

‘’You know, your jumpiness and anxiety, this constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen? It's called hyper-vigilance.’’

‘’Hyper…what?’’

‘’It’s the persistent feeling of being under threat.”

‘’What does…what?’’

‘’And you suffer from sleep paralysis…’’

‘’I…’’

‘’All those are signs of trauma and severe anxiety, Louis.’’ Anne concludes. ‘’We all know something traumatic has happened to you. We all know it’s something awful but we’re here. We still love you and we’re still here. You just have to be here in return too. We’re not going anywhere.’’

‘’You don’t understand.’’ Louis says almost manically before he closes his eyes again, wraps his arms around his waist where he’s still lying on his side. ‘’The threat is real. It’s still out there, capable of hurting people and getting away with it. And knowing that, every waking moment feels like a panic attack and I can't even breathe.”

“Is it like you're drowning?”

“Yes.” It comes out a little desperate, a little wild. “It’s just- it’s tiring and it won’t stop. I’ll wake up in a panic and…like, I don’t understand. Last night, I went grocery shopping with Harry. It was so domestic and he was lovely and he was trying to make me laugh. I- I'm free. I have my life together now and when he laughs, I’m happy. But it just keeps getting worse. I don’t understand, I shouldn’t be this affected anymore and it’s… it’s agonizing.”

“You remind me of some of my clients.’’ Anne says, eyes understanding.

‘’Your clients?’’

‘’Yes, I do deal with some tough cases and you remind me of some of them.’’

‘’I’m sorry…’’

‘’You know, I think your mind has spent so much time in hypervigilance while growing up that you stopped noticing it. When you were finally allowed to relax, the truth of your past reality began to settle on you, and it feels like it’s overwhelming you.”

“It is overwhelming me,” Louis confirms, pressing his face to the pillow. He can’t take this anymore. He’s tired and he’s so worried and…

‘’But you’re stronger than that, love.’’ Anne says. ‘’Harry has told me all sorts of stories of how protective you were of him before, how protective you are of all of the boys, how caring you are of him now. He’s told me that story of when he got sick in school. Do you remember?’’

Louis does remember. He remembers when Harry got sick because some classmate of his that liked to bully him dared him to eat some week-old pizza he found in his bag. Harry was alone in the cafeteria and he didn’t want to get beat up so he ate it. He ended up in the nurse’s office after throwing up in math class and Louis was lucky to have gotten wind of it. He had insisted to take Harry home instead of having Leona come and pick him up. Harry had looked so green and she wouldn’t be able to carry him to his room, let alone to her car. It was in the middle of the day but Louis skipped class and carried Harry on his back because Harry was afraid he might throw up in the bus or a cab.

He walked with Harry on his back all the way home, drew him a warm bath while Leona left for the drug store to buy him some more medicine to ease his stomach.

The next day, he’d punched the kid in the cafeteria in front of everyone and got himself three days in detention.

‘’I remember,’’ Louis exhales.

‘’You’re still that kid at heart.’’ Anne says. ‘’You’re so afraid of hurting anyone that you’d rather be the one shouldering everyone’s burdens. But all what you’ve been through they’re meant to make you stronger, my love. You’ve been through too much to let such agony bully you. You need to punch back like you did back then. You need to fight back, sweetheart and you can. I know you can.”

Louis licks his dry lips. “But what if it just gets worse? What if the people I love don’t love me anymore? What if they don’t need me anymore? What if they get hurt worse because of me and…”

"If you're going through hell, keep going." Anne interrupts kindly, her eyes soft. ‘’And if you can’t carry the weight alone, then you’ve got people to carry it with you and help you to the top, where there’s an endless road where no body’s crying,'' she chuckles gently. ''like the song.’’

‘’I love that song,’’ Louis says after a while.

‘’I know,’’ Anne smiles. ‘’Harry loves my music. Said Leona had a similar taste.’’

‘’He remembers?’’

‘’It’s what got him to open up to me back then,’’ Anne confesses. ‘’What got him to tell me all about you; how wonderful and loving and caring. How selfless and sweet and keen to put everyone else above his own interests. You deserve to be cared for, my darling.’’ Anne’s eyes tear up. ‘’You deserve a second chance. You deserve our love, I promise you that.’’

Louis blinks tears out of his eyes as he slowly sits up.

''Is Harry here?''

''No, he's at school. I didn't want him to go but he has mid-terms.''

''Oh,''

‘’How about breakfast?’’ Anne suggests. ‘’And then we can talk, yeah?’’

Louis nods minutely.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Harry really is in school so it’s just them both alone. The house is cosy and warm and the kitchen is quirky and nice, with classic looking tea-cups but a modern oven and a fancy coffee machine. Anne asks him to text the boys so he does, assures them that he’s fine.

After breakfast, he tells her everything.


	17. 17

_So sick of this lonely air_

_It seems such a waste of breath_   
_So much that I need to say_   
_So much to get off my chest_

_I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow_   
_I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that_

_You're the one designed for me_   
_A distant stranger that I will complete_   
_I know you're out there we're meant to be_   
_So keep your head up and make it to me_

-Sam Smith, make it to me

‘’Hi mum,’’

Anne snaps her head up. She hadn’t even noticed Harry coming back from school, too lost in her own thoughts. She wipes the stray tears she can feel on her cheeks as Harry takes a seat next to her in the living room sofa.

‘’You okay?’’ Harry asks, worry etched unto his face. He’s such a beautiful boy, a kindred spirit and she is so grateful for him, so happy and honoured to be called his mum, even if they can never be related in blood. It never mattered to her, not when she loves him so fiercely, so ardently.

‘’I am so grateful,’’ she says as she reaches for his hand. ‘’That you’re okay.’’

‘’I’m fine,’’ Harry smiles uneasily, probably confused by her behaviour. ‘’My chest hurts a little but I did my best not to move too much all day.’’

‘’That’s good,’’ she says as she lays his hand on her lap, sandwiched between her own. ‘’You know I didn’t want you to go. Doctor said…’’

‘’I know but…exams.’’ Harry shrugs. He looks uneasy. Anne understands perfectly why.

‘’You know, um…’’ Anne starts, looking into Harry’s eyes, the eyes that she has grown to love and cherish. They are always wide with innocence. No matter his maturity, his resilience, Harry’s eyes have always weakened her. They brought out a fierce protective instinct in her that she thought she’d only ever feel when it came to Gemma. But for all intents and purposes, Harry is hers. Therefore, his pain is hers too. ‘’When you first came to my house, you were so skittish. I knew you weren’t rebellious by nature, that you were probably confused and hurt. When I told my therapist, she said you were desperate for the comfort of familiarity.’’

‘’I didn’t know you were seeing someone.’’ Harry says quietly.

‘’I have to, especially in my line of work.’’ Anne admits. ‘’It’s good for me.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry nods before he smiles. ‘’Happy you’re okay, mum.’’

Anne squeezes his hand.

‘’I wanted to make your life with us, with me, be your new familiar.’’ She continues. ‘’I wanted you to have better memories, a better life and in doing so, I was unintentionally trying to erase your past, the people that made you who you are.’’

‘’I understand now…’’

‘’I am still sorry,’’ Anne interrupts. ‘’I will forever be sorry for ever trying to do that to you, for ever believing that we were better people for you, the only people you would ever need.’’

‘’Mum, what are you trying to tell me?’’ Harry asks gently.

‘’I am just so grateful,’’ Anne’s voice thickens. ‘’You have no idea how grateful I am that you are not hurt, that you are not desperate or destitute.’’ Her tears spill. ‘’I am grateful that when I found you, you were whole and intact, that you were not backed into a corner, that I wasn’t saving you from hell because there are some things that even I can’t bear and just the thought of you in a situation like that breaks my heart.’’

She lets Harry hug her and she lets herself cry a little bit into his chest. She knows she must be scaring him; she’s not usually one that loses her wits so easily but today is probably one of the hardest days she’s ever had and she is about to share it with the one person who doesn’t deserve any more bad memories in his life.

‘’You’re scaring me,’’ Harry admits quietly above her. She sits back and dries her face with the back of her hand, takes a deep calming breath.

‘’Sweetheart,’’ she says as she looks into his green eyes swirling with anxious worry. ‘’You know how much I love you, right?’’

‘’I know,’’ Harry says, squeezing her hand.

‘’And you know I’d do anything for you.’’ Anne continues, eyes roaming Harry’s cherubic face and his halo of curls. ‘’I’d kill for you. That’s how far I’ll go if I ever find the need to make sure that you will never be harmed.’’

‘’You’re really scaring me now.’’ Harry says.

‘’I’m just trying to tell you that love comes in all sorts of forms.’’ Anne says. ‘’There’s my love for you, the type that sees no faults, that loves you in all your forms. There’s the type of love that makes people desperate, the type that warrants the need for self-sacrifice, the type that is blind and makes mistakes. And then there’s the type of love that is so strong and instinctual, it elicits a sense of urgency and perhaps a bit of madness. This type of love needs forgiveness, it needs understanding, needs to be swallowed whole.’’

Harry looks at her, perplexed until he straightens up.

‘’Where’s Louis?’’ he asks carefully.

‘’He’s in his room,’’ she says and immediately tightens her hold on his hand. ‘’Harry, please listen to me.’’

‘’What’s going on?’’ Harry asks, eyes wide again. ‘’Did he talk to you? Did he tell you anything?’’

‘’You love him.’’ Anne tells him desperately. ‘’Please remember that you love him and I’ll support you no matter what but please remember that, okay? You mean the world to him, honey; he’ll lay his dreams at your feet to step on if that's what it takes for you to see, that’s how much you mean to him. You have no idea the hold you have on him.’’

Harry stands up, worry escalating as Anne covers her mouth with her hands.

‘’He talked to you,’’ Harry concludes.

‘’He is so ashamed, Harry.’’ Anne tells him. ‘’Please, tread softly. He meant no harm, okay? He just didn’t know better…’’

Harry nods hurriedly before he strides towards the room Louis is in, leaving Anne behind.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

When Harry opens the door, Louis is sitting up on the side of the bed, feet socketed and flat against the floor, hunched and eyes, as has been usual these past few days, maybe even a month or more, looking somewhere over his shoulder upon his entrance.

‘’You talked to mum,’’ Harry says with no preamble.

‘’Yes,’’ Louis confirms, voice soft, almost weak with hunger, the type that no food can fill, no water can quench. He’s dressed in another set of his old clothes; a loose pair of grey sweatpants and a baggy lavender jumper. The neckline is so wide, he can almost see Louis’ protruded collarbone. It’s shocking how thin he is, how small he’s become. This can’t be because of Harry’s growth spurt anymore.

‘’But you couldn’t talk to me,’’ Harry says and wants to take it back. He shouldn’t be selfish, should be glad that Louis talked at all, so soon after what happened last night.

‘’I’m just too tired.’’ Louis says, voice almost a whisper. ‘’I can’t do this anymore.’’

‘’Do what?’’ Harry asks carefully, still standing by the open door. He closes it almost fully but not quiet, as he steps into the room.

‘’I can’t keep hurting you.’’ Louis says. ‘’It’s been tearing me apart.’’

‘’Whatever it is, we can fix it,’’ Harry tells him.

‘’Can you change the past?’’ Louis asks before he laughs almost deliriously. ‘’I bet you’ll try. Only you, Harry, would go that far for someone like me.’’

‘’Someone like you?’’ Harry asks, confused and dreadful all the same.

‘’Someone who let people fuck him for money,’’ Louis says quietly, voice almost dead.

There’s a ringing in his ears, like maybe, just maybe he didn’t hear correctly, like maybe he’s under water and whatever Louis said can’t be true, muddled in between liquid particles and probably the words meant something else entirely.

‘’I’m sorry, what?’’

‘’I let people fuck me for money,’’ Louis repeats before he looks up at him for the first time in a long time. ‘’I’ve been doing it since we found Niall again. We needed the cash. We had debts...we had to sell the car because Niall was in a bad way when we found him and it was just not enough...we had huge debts to pay.’’

Harry feels his legs getting weak.

‘’H-How…I mean…’’

‘’You remember Nick Grimshaw?’’

What?

‘’Nick…from the skate park?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis drops his eyes. ‘’He’s working here in London now. We met by chance one day. He runs the bar in the night club I worked in. He offered me a job.’’

‘’He made you a prostitute.’’ Harry almost spits the words.

Louis visibly shudders before he gained back his composure.

‘’I chose it, Harry.’’ Louis says, eyes desperately hiding behind his fringe. ‘’I consented and it paid well and…’’

‘’If you consented then why are you like this?’’ Harry interrupts.

‘’Like what?’’

‘’You’re not okay.’’ Harry enunciates. ‘’You recoil when I touch you, you scream bloody murder whenever you’re dreaming and last night….’’

Harry links things together, memories flashing before his eyes.

‘’Ben and Allen,’’ he says after he takes a step closer to Louis. He sees with his own eyes how Louis’ eyes widen, how they fill with fear. ‘’Last night, you were afraid of them.’’

‘’They…’’ Louis swallows. ‘’Ben is Nick’s boss at work. He left social services and is running the family business now. I don’t think that’s a lie.’’

‘’He said he runs a string of nightclubs.’’

‘’Among other things.’’

Harry feels his chest caving in. He sits down heavily on the edge of the bed, leaving a gap between him and Louis.

‘’Did he…did he touch you?’’ Harry asks and fears the answer.

Louis is rigid still at first.

And then he nods.

‘’Allen too?’’

Louis nods again. There are silent tears streaming down his face.

‘’All while we were dating?’’ Harry asks.

Louis visibly bites down on a shudder, teeth tight over his lower lip.

He nods.

‘’Fuck,’’ Harry looks up at the ceiling, wishing the ground would swallow him whole.

‘’There were others...’’

‘’Fuck!’’ Harry stands up, mad with rage. He whirls towards Louis and is shocked to see his arms raised, covering his face, as if anticipating a punch. ‘’Lou…’’

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Louis gasps. ‘’I am so ashamed of myself. I’m sorry…’’

‘’How could you do this?’’ Harry almost wails, heart torn with hurt, hurt, hurt. ‘’How could you keep this from me?’’

‘’I had to, please..."

"Do the boys know?"

"No! Fuck, the boys don’t know. They can never know.’’

‘’Niall doesn’t know?’’

‘’Please!’’ Louis lowers his arms and then to Harry’s shock, he lowers himself to the floor, like a crazed animal. ‘’Please, you can’t tell Niall. Please don’t do this to me.’’

‘’And what about what you did to me?’’ Harry shouts. ‘’I love you! And you chose those men over me? You chose their touch over mine?’’

‘’I didn’t want it!’’ Louis cries on the floor, big blue eyes looking up at him. ‘’Please, I didn’t want it. I love you, Haz! I’ve always loved you!’’

‘’If you have, you wouldn’t have been so desperate.’’ Harry snaps. He feels like he’s spouting all the wrong things but he’s so angry, too enraged to be hurt by the sight of Louis on his knees, on the floor, looking up at him like he holds all the power to break him to pieces. ‘’There’s always another way out, Lou! Money isn’t everything! We survived on so little before, when mama was alive. How could you do this?’’

‘’I had no choice,’’ Louis cries, face almost lowered to the floor in shame. ‘’I saw no other way, I was stupid…please, believe me, I didn’t want it. Please….’’

Harry takes pity on him, emotions finally running dry as he realizes what he’s done.

‘’Lou…’’

‘’I hate every single one of them,’’ Louis covers his face. ‘’I hate Nick for finding me. I hated it whenever he reminded me that I asked for it because he was right. I hate that even though I’ve stopped, it doesn’t erase what I’ve done. But mostly I hate that you love me. You don’t deserve this…’’

Harry ignores the tears dripping down his face as he approaches Louis. He thinks of what Anne said, he thinks about the type of love he has for Louis and wonders if love is truly blind enough to warrant his undying breed of loyalty or maybe he just knows no other love, knows no other person to love so fiercely the way that he loves Louis.

‘’C’mere,’’ he gets on the floor and beckons Louis into his arms but Louis backs away. He understands now his aversion to touch. He doesn’t fear it; on the contrary he thinks he’s repulsive which...Harry never knew that hate could run so deep and seeing Louis visibly hate himself smarts like a burning iron rod piercing his side.

‘’No…’’

‘’Let me hug you. I swear it’s okay.’’

‘’I’m filthy, I’m used…’’ Louis crawls back, hands pushing against the floor but Harry follows him. ‘’Don’t come any closer.’’

‘’Baby, it’s okay…’’ Harry says and opens his arms wide when Louis finds no more room to back into. ‘’I still love you, it’s okay…’’

‘’You shouldn’t, you shouldn’t, get away from me.’’ Louis pushes against his chest.

‘’Lou…’’

‘’Please, please…!’’ he wails and punches but Harry catches him, holds him tight into his chest. ‘’No!’’

‘’You’re not filthy,’’ Harry stresses as Louis tries to get up and free himself but Harry is stronger, healthier and too weighed down by his love for this boy to let him go and break apart. ‘’You’re not used.’’

‘’Stop…’’

‘’And I’ve made promises to you,’’ Harry continues as Louis violently struggles. His head butts with his chin and his chest hurts from the bruises and Louis' punches. He almost topples over but he holds fast. ‘’I’m not breaking my promises, Louis! You won’t make me!’’

‘’I hate you!’’ Louis shouts viciously. ‘’I fucking hate you!’’

‘’I hate you too!’’ Harry shouts back. Louis almost slips from his arms but Harry grabs him and they struggle for control until Harry’s got him again, Louis’ back to his chest. He latches unto Louis’ arms and locks Louis in with his legs too. ‘’I hate you for not thinking about yourself, for always putting others first. I hate that you think I’m not good enough for you! Stop it already!’’

‘’I hate you, I hate you!’’ Louis mutters brokenly, tears freely flowing and Harry doesn’t have to wait him out long. He knows that Louis’ physically weak, consumed by heartache and trauma, going on with lack of sleep and nutrition, emotions getting the better of him as he sags in his arms.

''Lou...''

‘’Please don’t let me go.’’ Louis mutters as he succumbs into his fatigue.

‘’I won’t.’’ Harry fastens his hold on him, wraps one long arm around his small waist and holds his face to his chest with the other, keeping his head tucked into his shoulder. ‘’I won’t.’’

He rocks them gently as Louis’ hiccoughing and broken sobs finally subside, repeating his words like a plea.

_I won’t let you go_

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Anne enters the room later on and tells him everything that Louis told her, all while he held a passed out Louis in his arms.

She tells him about Niall’s medical bills, Jonah, how Louis got Zayn his big break, the driver behind Niall’s car accident, Allen’s disregard for consent and the reason behind the turtlenecks and the man that took him while he was blindfolded and how that man turned out to be Ben.

He cries into Louis’ hair and holds on tighter. He’s never been desperate to kill someone before but he feels his blood curdling with the vile need to wring someone’s neck for what Louis’ gone through.

‘’He was fooled,’’ Harry tells her. ‘’Yes, he went to Nick and agreed to the sex but what happened in that room was not safe. He still has the right to say no and be heard and listened to.’’

‘’He doesn’t want to press charges.’’ Anne says, sat on the floor, legs folded underneath her. ‘’I told him I can open a case, I can claim rape and non-consent but he says he has no proof. All his injuries are healed now that he doesn’t go there anymore and they always used a condom. Always.’’

‘’What about Niall’s car accident?’’ Harry asks, desperate for an in, anything. ‘’You can file for compensation for Niall’s accident, right? The man was practically drunk on road head!’’

‘’I can look into that, into traffic tapes,’’ Anne nods. ‘’A man like Allen wouldn’t want to have his reputation tarnished.’’

‘’Don't push for a settlement; if he’s behind bars, he can’t touch Louis anymore.’’ Harry says, adjusting his arms around Louis. ‘’He’d be free. He won’t have to be afraid all the time.’’

‘’I need to have my detectives investigate Ben too.’’ Anne says. ‘’That man’s business is shady enough as it is.’’

‘’Yeah…’’

He shudders at the thought of Ben and what he really is. And to think that he hugged him, smiled at him…no wonder Louis was in a bad way after he left the grocery store.

‘’You know?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I am so proud of you,’’ Anne says, her eyes roaming between Harry and Louis in his arms. ‘’I was worried for a second that you’d let your anger get the best of you but I guess I had nothing to worry about.’’

‘’You wouldn’t have let me near him if you truly believed that I would make him worse,’’ Harry notes.

‘’True,’’ Anne nods. ‘’You never make promises you don’t keep. Like when you’d promised you won’t forget him, or when you got all those grades just to prove me wrong or when you’d sneak out in the middle of the night with the car just to look up alleyways in search for them…’’

‘’You knew?’’ Harry interrupts, surprised.

‘’Of course I knew,’’ Anne snorts. ‘’You think I slept knowing that you were out there in the snow? You think I could close my eyes until you were back home safe and warm?’’

‘’He means everything to me,’’ Harry tells her, wants her to understand. ‘’He doesn’t ever want us to be apart. It’s not his fault that he couldn’t keep his promises to me. I know now.’’

‘’I believe you, honey.’’ Anne assures him before she sighs. ‘’I just hope he finds it in himself to make it back to you again. That’s all.’’

‘’He will,’’ Harry says before he tucks his face into Louis’ temple, waiting for him to wake up.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

When Louis opens his eyes, he’s in bed.

The moon is high up outside his window, indicating that its night fall…

‘’Hey,’’

He turns his head and sees Harry looking at him, cheek resting against the palm of his hand, elbows on the table. There are books and papers open on a study table that wasn’t there before. Harry is sat on a chair that looks like the ones in the kitchen. His rucksack is open on the floor by the legs of the chair. The lights are off, only a study lamp glowing on the table as well as the lamp on the bed-side table. There’s a plate covered in aluminium foil on said table too.

‘’Hey,’’ he croaks out before he sits up, arms shaky.

‘’Mum made some sandwiches,’’ Harry tells him before he unwraps the plate. ‘’Eat up,’’

He doesn’t feel up to it but Harry places the plate on his lap before he could say anything and turns back to his books.

Louis nibbles on pieces he tears from the sandwich, eyes tracing over Harry. He recalls what happened earlier and a lump steadily grows in his throat that’s making it hard to swallow.

The silence is killing him.

‘’I said some things.’’ He says, fingers loose on a piece of bread.

Harry looks up from his book. He sits back and rests his hands in his lap, fingers coiled around a sharpened pencil.

‘’And Anne told me some things,’’

‘’You…you’re still here or I mean…’’ Louis exhales.

‘’What?’’

‘’You haven’t kicked me out. You and Anne.’’

‘’I don’t plan to.’’ Harry shrugs. ‘’And neither does she.’’

‘’Harry, please. You must feel something.’’ Louis looks up at him here. He still feels ashamed when he catches Harry’s eyes but sometimes he can’t help himself. He misses the love that Harry showered him with, misses his touches and wishes he didn’t feel like Harry was touching mud whenever he so much as grazed his skin.

‘’I feel hurt,’’ Harry says and it makes a vice grip his heart before Harry continues. ‘’because I know you’re hurting. I feel wounded right here,’’ he points at the right side of his chest with the butt of his pencil. ‘’because I know you’re wounded there too. I feel like I miss you because I know that look in your eyes and I know you miss me too.’’

‘’I don’t regret what I did,’’ Louis tells him. ‘’What Niall had been though…I would have found a way, I would have still done anything to make sure he doesn’t end up crippled over something that wasn’t his fault. And you know why?’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because it could’ve been you,’’ Louis admits. ‘’It could’ve been you that Liam had stumbled upon with his bike. It could have been you in that alleyway with a broken leg and body torn with fever. It could’ve been you in the streets, searching for us, surviving on food from dumpsters and seeking refuge in homeless shelters and I would have gone mad if I couldn’t find a way to save you.’’ A single tear slips down his face at his admission but Harry needs to know how he feels. He’s already said everything; he might as well lay out all the rest. ‘’I would have sold my very soul to the devil himself if that’s what it took to make sure you never had to be hurt like that ever again. I did it for Niall, I let those vile men split me open and I would have done it a thousand times more, if it was for you.’’

‘’Then do this for me,’’ Harry stands up abruptly and sits beside him on the bed. He puts the plate aside on the duvet before he grips both his hands. ‘’Get better; let me help you heal. You’ve done your part; you’ve shouldered your burdens. It’s time to rest now.’’

‘’You’re not ashamed of me?’’ Louis dares to ask, eyes trying to maintain contact, trying to find the bravery he had when he’d stepped into that room with Nick for the first time, when he’d undressed and let him look him over and take pictures of him.

‘’I’m proud of you for telling me.’’ Harry says. ‘’I’m proud of the bravery you had for choosing to walk down that road, for the invisible scars you carry, for finding the will to carry on even when you knew it was killing you.’’ Harry pauses. ‘’I’m proud that you still have it in your heart to love me even after all that’s happened. You did well, Lou. I’m proud of you for surviving it.’’

‘’I don't know where you find the conviction to believe in me like this.’’ Louis croaks. ‘’It’s a bit scary.’’

‘’I’m the last thing you should be scared of.’’

‘’You’re the only thing I’m really scared of.’’ Louis admits. ‘’I’m scared of losing you, I’m scared that one day, you’ll think of me in pity, that I’ll be a lesser man in your eyes. I’m scared of a lot of things but you scare me the most.’’

‘’Why?’’ Harry asks, distressed.

‘’Because no one loves me like you do.’’ Louis squeezes his hand. ‘’You’re my surest thing and if I lose that…I lose everything and it’s not fair, putting that hold on you, keeping you leashed like that.’’

‘’I want you,’’ Harry interrupts him. He gets on his knees as Louis sits up, his knees bumping Harry’s abdomen. ‘’Don’t break up with me over this, thinking that you're too ruined for me.’’

‘’Harry…’’

‘’I’m not letting you leave until you promise me that.’’

‘’Who said I’m leaving?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Then where are you going?’’

‘’I need to use the bathroom.’’

‘’Oh,’’

They look into each other’s eyes for a moment before they laugh.

‘’Look at you boxing me in.’’ Louis says, laughter small and tinkling.

‘’Yeah, well,’’ Harry just says as he looks up at Louis’ eyes.

‘’Can I go now?’’ Louis asks. Harry chuckles before he shakes his head and gets up. He feels off-kilter as he watches Louis leave the room. He’s too wired to sit down, like he’s overflowing with feelings.

He knows it will hit him later, the weight of the truth that Louis revealed to him but for now, he wants to be with Louis, he wants to keep him sheltered and encompassed like he can’t bear the thought of him straying from his sight.

He wants to make sure he’s 24/7 okay, wants to keep him on his watch at all times and that’s not sane or healthy; that’s borderline obsessive but he’s worried for his safety, his sanity, his well-being. The thought of Louis falling apart is like being punched in his gut repeatedly, the thought of other people touching him, hurting him... He knows it will affect him more when it really sinks in, it already is driving him crazy and just…

‘’I’m back,’’ Louis says. Harry blinks and looks up from where he’s leaning against the desk. He watches as Louis sits by the bed again and looks behind him at his books. ‘’Anne said you have mid-terms.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ he says as he gets on the floor again. His hands cover Louis’ knees. Even the meat of his thighs are gone and he misses them, misses when Louis used to hold him in his lap on their old couch back in Leona’ house, misses when Louis used to play with his hair. He even misses when Louis used to smile at him serenely when he’d look up after he pecks his cheek because he liked his stubble.

‘’Haz?’’

‘’Is it too soon for me to kiss you?’’ he asks bluntly.

‘’Um…’’

‘’It’s just…the thought of those people touching you,’’ he says, staring deeply into Louis’ eyes. ‘’That gets me the most.’’

‘’They never kissed me.’’ Louis admits.

‘’What?’’ Harry blinks at him, watches the colour of blush fill Louis’ cheeks.

‘’They never wanted to kiss me,’’ Louis says, covering Harry’s hands on his knees and then holding them, eyes looking down. ‘’I was glad for it; it meant I kept that part of us intact.’’

Harry swallows; wonders what Louis went through in that room, what type of activities took place. Was he at least a little bit loved, even just a little? Was it all just rough and no mercy? Was it all just black and terrible?

‘’Can you tell me?’’ Harry ventures. ‘’What happened there sometimes?’’

Louis looks up at him in shock.

‘’You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’’ Harry assures him quickly. ‘’It’s just…it kills me not knowing the extent of how much you were hurt.’’

‘’It wasn’t all bad,’’ Louis says. ‘’Some of the girls, they were nice.’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Yeah, like they were shy and lonely and they just needed a warm body to hold them sometimes.’’ Louis says, eyes roaming his face in hesitance. But Harry rubs his thumb over the back of his hand, looks at him in encouragement. ‘’There were some boys that I think wanted to explore their sexuality, wanted to know if they were gay or not, like maybe they weren’t out to their family or friends and didn’t know how to overcome their urges. They were nice too.’’

‘’But…’’

‘’Well, you know…’’

‘’It got bad sometimes too, right?’’

Louis looks away but nods.

‘’How bad?’’

‘’You said Anne told you some things.’’

‘’She said you told her you had to cover up a lot.’’ Harry’s eyes roam Louis’ neck, thumbs grazing Louis’ wrists. ‘’You didn’t want me to see.’’

‘’It was ugly.’’

‘’But you’re not.’’ Harry says, catching his eyes and holding it.

‘’You don’t know that.’’ Louis looks away.

‘’Do you think I’m beautiful?’’ Harry asks.

Louis looks abruptly.

‘’You’re lovely,’’ he says with conviction.

‘’Then so are you,’’ Harry shrugs. ‘’Because you’re my person…‘’

‘’That doesn’t make sense; we’re not one and the same, Haz.’’

‘’But I’m only as good as you ever need me to be.’’ Harry explains. ‘’I’m only the person I am today because you’re everything I wanted you to like, everything I wanted you to be proud of. I looked up to you back then and all I thought of is being someone good enough to be seen beside you, good enough to be with you. We may not be one and the same, yes but I think we belong to one another, enough to be two parts of a whole, like two halves of one heart.’’ Harry pauses before he picks up Louis’ hand, the one with the watch he gave him and kisses his knuckles. ‘’Believe me when I tell you, Lou, that I am everything I am because you love me.’’

‘’I can’t believe you just quoted a Celine Dion song at me.’’ Louis says after a while of regaining his composure. ‘’You absolute love-sick fool.’’

‘’Well, I’m a fool for you and you can’t do nothing about it.’’ Harry grins. His forehead rests on Louis’, sensing his quiet laugh. ‘’You’re finally here with me.’’

‘’Getting there,’’ Louis sighs. ‘’Trying.’’

‘’I know,’’ Harry pecks his upper lip gently. ‘’You’ll make it to me.’’

Louis pulls back ever so slightly, eyes glittering with familiar warmth. ‘’I’ll make it to you.’’


	18. 18

_You never love yourself half as much as I love you_   
_And you'll never treat yourself right, darling, but I want you to_   
_If I let you know, I'm here for you_   
_Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh_

_One Direction, Little Things

When Harry comes back from school the next day, Louis is no longer in the bungalow.

Anne tells him he called the boys –Harry doesn’t know who- and said he needed to go home.

He calls Zayn and finds out that Niall had taken Louis’ shift at the flower shop, going early so that he can still catch his shift at the restaurant. He’d also called the bakery and asked if he could fill in for Louis while he was recuperating but they’d refused.

Naturally, Louis flipped.

But Harry’s not sure who is more enraged; Louis for once again not thinking about himself or Liam for telling Louis to come home and deal with it. Niall, bless him, was only trying to do something nice for Louis but Liam could’ve handled it or Zayn even. The fact that Zayn was blasé about it and found it sweet made Harry’s blood boil. Harry knows that Louis doesn’t want Niall to do anything that will jeopardize Niall’s future and Harry feels the same way, especially after all that Louis had gone through to ensure it.

‘’Love, they don’t know the details.’’ Anne tells him after he was done talking to Zayn on the phone, frustrated and venting. ‘’Louis told them he was alright and physically he is.’’

‘’Why didn’t you keep him here?’’ Harry asks, frustrated.

‘’Honey, I’m not his keeper.’’ Anne reminds him. ‘’He said he was fine and that he needed to go. Besides, we know now. We can do something.’’

‘’I’ll do something alright,’’ Harry mutters.

‘’Don’t be rash,’’ Anne soothes, watching him as he paces in front of her in the living room. ‘’Don’t go barging in there, exposing his secrets. He doesn’t deserve that from you.’’

‘’They need to know!’’ Harry snaps. ‘’They can’t keep treating Louis like he’s immune. He’s not okay.’’

‘’Harry, Louis will only be okay when he wants to be, you can’t force it.’’ Anne says gently. ‘’You should know by now that taking care of others is in his DNA. He’s been doing it almost his entire life.’’

‘’It’s what got him here in the first place!’’

‘’But it doesn’t mean it’s wrong of him to care, to be like that.’’ Anne says. ‘’Don’t go in there telling him it was all in vain. You’ll just make him feel worse.’’

Harry’s shoulders sag.

‘’He doesn’t want Niall to know,’’ Harry says quietly.

‘’And maybe it’s best that he doesn’t.’’ Anne says kindly. ‘’He wouldn’t be able to take it, knowing how great of a sacrifice Louis had given. Besides, he’s a good kid and he’s making up for it in spades, yes?’’

Harry knows that Niall is brilliant; Harry had thought he needed some help with his classes but Niall’s been acing all of them, getting even much better grades than him. He knows that Niall is worth every penny Louis had spent for him, knows that Niall would do anything to take care of his boys the way they took care of him.

He also knows that his mum is right.

‘’Can we go home now?’’ Harry pouts. ‘’I’m hungry.’’

‘’Thought you’d never ask,’’ Anne smiles as she stands up. She’d already called the house-keeper to clean up the place and it’s not like Harry doesn’t miss his sister and dad.

Sometimes, he just wishes he could be in two places at once.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

They go to a drive-thru and order some take-away and eat in the parking lot. After that, Anne drives them home where Harry’s car is parked outside, finally all fixed up.

He doesn’t stay when he finds out that his dad is in the country club and that his sister is at a party. He wants to see Louis. Looking at his watch, he guesses that Louis must be done with his shift at the flower shop.

He chooses to take a quick shower and right there, in the solitude he hasn’t had in almost days of constant worry and Louis, Louis, Louis…that he finally breaks down.

It hits him how blind he’s been to Louis’ pain. There were signs and he didn’t see it, too caught up in the whirlwind of his feelings, of a childhood crush that was more than a crush. He should’ve known when Louis didn’t ever want Harry to hold his wrists or wrap his arms around his neck, should’ve known from the words he’d spout in the throes of his nightmares, should’ve known from how he was always anxious to get to work, afraid of even being a minute too late.

He should’ve known that something was wrong the moment he realized that the feeling of missing Louis had never left him, even after they were reunited. In the months after he’d found their old apartment, Louis’ eyes were sometimes dead and blank, staring off into space even when his arm was around Louis’ shoulder. He’d only come alive when Harry would burrow into him and demand his attention, like there’s an automatic response in Louis, set to give love and affection when someone needed him. But he wasn't himself and Harry mistook it as part of growing up. He should've known better, should've known that something must've hardened Louis' exterior, made him jaded.

And while Louis was still lovely towards him, Harry had been a witness to the light dimming in Louis’ eyes because he suffered in silence, because he chose to give up his happiness even at the expense of his sanity. His eyes were a window to his hurt whenever Harry had shown him even a slight bit of kindness and every date they’d been in, every affection Harry had given him, those windows were wide open, waiting for him to slip through and enter, see his world at large. But Harry never did, too busy looking too close to see the bigger picture.

He cries until he prunes up, cries to the point of throwing up, images painting his mind with horrors, of Louis spending hours upon hours getting defiled all because of a stupid accident caused by an inhumane person to a boy who didn’t deserve to be left to die in the streets. To think that he wants to be a law student like his mum seems preposterous now. He watches a lot of Law and Order. He sometimes spends time in Anne’s office while she discusses the barest details of her work with him just to satisfy his curiosity and for a while, he has been thinking of shifting career perspectives from teaching to justice. It’s insane now because he can barely handle Louis’ pain, let alone the pain of others who probably don’t have Louis' luck of being able to get out the way he did.

After his pity party, he feels cleansed, like he’d expunged his soul. He can’t rectify the past, he realizes that now but he can be in Louis’ present and hopefully in his future. He can do more now. He can climb into that open window and take care of Louis the way he’d promised all those months ago.

It can't ever be too late.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Hey,’’ he smiles when Louis opens the door. ‘’Can I hug you?’’

He’d made a list in his head of things he plans on doing more often now that Louis had let him in on his secrets. One is getting Louis comfortable with touch.

‘’Sure,’’ Louis hesitates, used to forehead pecks from Harry which he’d even tried to avoid. Holding hands was fine, cuddling was fine and kissing was fine as long as he expects it, like within the context of a date. Even sleeping in the same bed was fine, because he’d be too tired to stay all coiled up and rigid all night anyways. Besides, it’s not like Harry engulfs him or imprisons him in his arms; most of the time it’s him who spoons Harry before the latter wakes him up from whatever bad dream he’s having. Random touches still get him flinching and lately, it had been hell trying not to be too obvious about it.

So, in short, this was new.

‘’Sure?’’

Louis nods. He’s trying to be more open but coming home and reprimanding Niall for studying in the flower shop the past couple of days got him a bit wired. He doesn’t like fighting with the boys, doesn’t like suffocating them with his over-protectiveness but he just can’t help it. Now, Niall is probably sulking at work, Zayn is locked in his room doing more art stuff and Liam is pissed because he’d thought Louis had known this whole time when in truth, Niall just said he did to get him off his back.

It hasn’t exactly been a pleasant evening.

But it is now, the moment Harry hugs him.

He cannot help but burrow into him and for a while there, he feels like he’s entered a bubble. He closes his eyes and lets the hug linger, lets Harry rock them a little bit even. It’s nice and he’s missed him.

‘’I missed you today,’’ Louis says into his chest.

‘’Me too,’’ Harry says before he cups his face and pecks his forehead.

Louis has come to love his forehead kisses even if he is loath to admit it or still cuts his eyes away because he knows he’s blushing.

‘’Zayn told me about Niall,’’ Harry says after Louis closes the door and pulls him in.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis sighs before he follows Harry to the living room. Harry lifts one arm over the back of the couch and he’s too pissed off at the topic to even say anything when Harry lays his arm around his shoulder the moment he sits next to him.

‘’Don’t be too hard to him.’’ Harry says. ‘’He did it because he loves you.’’

‘’I know,’’ Louis says, folding his arms. ‘’I’m just…’’

"What?"

‘’He’d also been to the grocery store, wanted some snacks and I just…I panicked and took it out on him.’’

‘’That must've confused him a bit, yeah? Especially because he has no idea..."

‘’Yeah..."

They sit in silence for a bit before Louis exhales harshly.

"Just..." Louis gulps. "The thought of telling the boys, taking Niall about Allen,’’ Louis shudders. ‘’I can’t do what Anne wants.’’

Harry knows that Anne talked to him about Niall pressing charges after he left for school this morning. He thought he’d be able to talk to him about it when he came back only to find that Louis had already left.

‘’It doesn’t have to be up to you,’’ Harry reminds him. ‘’Mum can bring it up and…’’

‘’They’re powerful people,’’ Louis interrupts as he looks up at him. ‘’He got away with it once, what makes you think he won’t get away with it again?’’

‘’Nobody knows about the man behind the accident, Lou.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’Nobody is looking for anyone to blame because you all chose to put it behind you.’’

‘’It’s just better that way,’’

‘’And he walks,’’ Harry says. ‘’Is that fair? What if he hurts someone else like that again? What if he’d killed Niall?’’

‘’Don’t say that,’’ Louis says vehemently, pushing away. ‘’He’s lucky and we’re grateful for it.’’

‘’I’m just saying, Allen needs to answer up to his mistakes and it shouldn’t be your call to make.’’ Harry says reasonably. ‘’It’s not you who got hit, you know.’’

‘’Niall doesn’t need this, Harry. He has exams, he has a future to focus on.’’ Louis says, desperation in his eyes. ‘’Can’t it wait? At least until he’s got his scholarship. That’s all I ask.’’

"You promise to tell him then? As soon as he gets the scholarship, you'll tell him?"

"I..." Louis looks at him pleadingly. "Don't make me lie to you." 

‘’So you don’t plan on telling them. Ever.'’ Harry concludes.

‘’Look, we're finally moving up a bit in the world, Haz. New jobs, new life...bringing that up will be like...like bad timing…’’

‘’Bad timing?’’ Harry asks, incredulous. ‘’Jonah works with Zayn, Ben and Allen popped up in the grocery store and freaked you out."

"That probably won't happen again..."

"Oh and life will always be smooth sailing, right?" Harry says sardonically "And if you get desperate again, what then? Hm? When you need money again and you come rushing in with a plan to save everybody’s ass and pretend like everything’s alright? You'll just sweep this whole thing under the rug and go ahead and sacrifice yourself because oh let me think," Harry says sarcastically. "You came out fine out of it anyways, right?"

‘’That’s not fair,’’ Louis stands up. ‘’And that’s a low move, coming from you.’’

‘’It’s not fair?’’ Harry stands up too. He didn’t come here to fight with Louis but he’s just at his wit’s end. He wants justice, he wants retribution, he wants someone to seethe and rage because what happened to Louis shouldn’t be dismissed at all and Louis isn’t helping. ‘’And what happened to you…that’s fair? You slaving away at work to make ends meet, you bottling this whole thing up like it's okay if only you get hurt and nobody else does...that’s fair?’’

‘’That’s called making a living, Harry!’’ Louis snaps. ‘’That’s called being poor and having no other choice!’’

‘’There are always choices!’’ Harry argues. ‘’You could’ve told Anne, you could’ve asked me for money when I found you and I would’ve never denied you. I…’’

‘’Fuck you!’’ Louis pushes at his chest and he staggers back. ‘’I’m not some fucking charity case!’’

‘’Damn your pride, Louis!’’ Harry retaliates.

‘’Selling myself for money has nothing to do with my pride!’’

‘’Then what did it have to do with? What were you trying to prove?’’

''Nothing, Harry! We needed to get by and it's not like I couldn't take it!''

''Oh is that it? You did it because you could take it?'' Harry says viciously, words cutting like knife.

''You have no idea what I've been through!'' Louis seethes. ''I let them choke the living shit out of me and fuck me up and it paid so fucking well a...''

‘’What did you just say?’’

They both look up the stairs and see Zayn and Liam on the steps, looking at Louis with wide eyes.

Oh fuck

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Louis, please let us in.’’ Harry begs.

He was wrong to expect Louis to stay rooted in place, shocked that he’d accidentally let his secret out after months of keeping it in.

To be fair, Liam and Zayn did not make it easy, banging on Louis’ door the moment he fled and locked himself in, demanding answers and threatening to splinter the wood and knock it down. They’d quietened down when Harry told them to back off and now, he’s trying to coax Louis out.

‘’No…’’

‘’Please…’’

‘’I said no.’’ Louis snaps through the wood. ‘’No means no.’’

Harry can’t help but kick the wood in frustration.

‘’Fine, you stay there and I’ll go to the living room and tell them everything!’’

‘’Fuck you, you fucking traitor!’’

‘’Then open this door or else so help me god, Louis…’’

‘’You tell them and we are done! We are through forever!’’

‘’Lou?’’

Harry looks next to him and sees Liam. He looks like he’d been crying. He and Zayn had both been shocked and red in the face and loud but not once did Louis reply to them, only cursing up a storm when Harry spoke so after Harry told them he’d give it a go on his own, they’d stomped to the living room and quietened down.

He didn’t know they were this upset. To be fair, they have every right to be.

Louis quietens down again, like he can’t bear the thought of speaking to them. Harry allows himself to take a step back when Liam approaches and puts his palms on the door.

‘’Lou, I owe you an apology.’’ Liam says, voice thick.

What?

Louis doesn’t say anything but Harry knows he’s stood behind the door, probably drowning in shame again.

‘’I should’ve known…you were weird the moment you starting working in that night club.’’ Liam says, eyes shiny. ‘’The marks I saw around your wrists, I shouldn't have taken your word for it. And the turtlenecks...you hate turtlenecks!'' Liam laughs in delirium. ''And your nightmares, the words you said unaware…I ignored it all, I thought it was just like when we were younger. I thought it was just my imagination. I didn’t think you were going through something new, something different from the past. I thought you were dreaming about Doris and Ernest again. And there was this one time, I never told you, back when you were sick, I changed you out of your pyjamas; you were soaking wet with sweat, you were delirious with fever and I saw…Louis, I saw bruises,’’ Liam’s voice hitches. ‘’I saw them on the back of your thighs, I saw…Louis, I thought you were sleeping with some sugar daddy. I thought you were in some kinky relationship with someone and I thought you were just having rough sex…I didn’t…you were always working and I figured you needed an outlet or something so I never asked because I didn’t think it would be like this.’’ Liam breaks down in tears. ‘’I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m sorry I couldn’t handle…I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me…’’

Liam sobs and falls on his knees at the door. Harry is silent as he watches Zayn approach and puts his hand on the doorknob. He’s in a ratty shirt with a superhero logo and there are paint splatters on his hair and joggers. He looks rough, trying to keep it together and failing.

‘’Lou, can you please open the door?’’ Zayn asks gently, silent tears running down his cheeks. ‘’Please? It’s just us…’’

‘’Zee…’’

‘’Lou, we love you.’’ Zayn grasps at the call. Even Liam stands up, wiping his face with the back of his hand. ‘’Please, let’s just talk.’’

Harry watches as the lock turns and Louis opens the door just a tiny gap.

‘’I don’t regret what I did,’’ Is the first thing he says; eyes down and hands gripping the wood. ‘’I don’t care if it was wrong, so don’t tell me…’’

‘’Hey, hey…’’ Liam shakes his head, hands sliding on the wood, like he’s afraid Louis might close the door to their face. ‘’We’re not accusing you of anything here.’’

Louis' eyes look up briefly to Liam before moving to Zayn’s then meeting Harry’s between their heads.

‘’Can you give us a minute?’’ he asks.

Harry nods. He doesn’t want to leave so he just walks towards the living room and plops down on the sofa.

The minute turns to half an hour and that turns into an hour. He turns the telly on but lowers the volume, just to have something to do, something to keep him in his seat even when he hears crying and random bouts of frustrated, muffled cries.

He stays put, knowing that they need this, they need to accept what happened, they need to be Louis’ support, be there for him. It’s not like they weren’t there for him before. Harry knows how much they rely on each other, how much they help each other out. They’re like a well-oiled team but somehow, Louis had decided to shoulder things on his own and it’s shaken their foundation.

Maybe Louis was right; maybe they had no other choice at the time and it’s not like any of them expected Zayn’s success that finally lifted a weight off their financial burdens. That reality though, makes him sad, to think that life, can be so cruel.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Liam comes out alone at around 8:25 pm.

‘’They’re still talking,’’ Liam says when Harry looks up at him. His eyes are red-rimmed and when he sits down on the sofa next to him, it’s with such heaviness that is so unlike him. Liam had always had a good, steady head on him but Harry’s come to know that it had mostly to do with Louis always being a rock to rely on, a solid wall to lean on and instill assurance in all of them, a fortress on which Liam had found his strength.

‘’I should’ve known,’’ Liam says after Harry turns off the telly. Liam is leaned back against the sofa, head titled and eyes looking up at the ceiling. ‘’He’s always been too good at hiding things, even long before Leona took you in.’’

‘’It’s not your fault…’’

‘’It fucking is,’’ Liam interrupts, one lone tear sliding down from his eye to his temple. ‘’It’s our job, Zayn and I, to take care of him while he takes care of us and we fucking failed him.’’

‘’You didn’t…how can you say that?’’ Harry turns bodily towards him.

‘’Harry, you don’t know…you weren’t around when we found Niall.’’ Liam looks at him. ‘’I chose to quit my part-time job back then because I blindly believed that we would be okay and suddenly Louis comes up with a new well-paying job like some magic trick and it was too good to ignore, but I did. I ignored the signs. I…’’

‘’And you’re here now,’’ Harry interrupts. ‘’And you were there back then, taking care of him when he got sick, giving him your clothes and feeding him and doing everything to keep this ship sailing.’’ Harry pauses.

Liam continues crying silently but he keeps looking at Harry.

‘’Liam, you failed no one.’’ Harry says firmly. ‘’Louis did what he had to do and so did you and Zayn and Niall and to me, you're all heroes in my eyes. You’re the best brothers any boy could ask for.’’

‘’You know what he said?’’ Liam says after he sniffs.

‘’What?’’

‘’He said you help him breathe.’’ Liam’s smile is watery. ‘’You help make him feel like he matters and I think about that and it’s like, if you hadn’t come around, he would’ve continued doing it. You loving him made him stop.’’

‘’He stopped on his own.’’ Harry shakes his head. ‘’And that counts more.’’

‘’You really love him.’’ Liam says, almost in awe.

‘’You know I do,’’

‘’I know, I just…’’ Liam exhales. ‘’You love him like he's your soul-mate and that’s not normal. You’re eighteen. You shouldn't be taking love so seriously.’’

‘’I love him and it’s that simple.’’ Harry merely says.

‘’How?’’ Liam asks. ‘’How can you bear this? He said he was going to do it until the end of the year, until all of Niall's medical bills were paid. Did you know that?’’

''No, but...''

''Then how do you live with yourself? How can you stand his pain?''

‘’I just put him first,’’ Harry says firmly. ‘’The world comes second.’’

‘’You think he’ll be okay?’’ Liam asks after a while.

‘’He will be now.’’ Harry smiles when he hears Zayn and Louis laugh. ‘’Even if he doesn’t tell Niall, I believe he’ll be okay.’’

‘’That’s the only thing I agreed with him on.’’ Liam says seriously. ‘’Niall can’t know. It will break his heart. He’ll do something reckless to compensate. I know him.’’

‘’Then this stays with us.’’ Harry affirms. He understands now the meaning of the saying that there are some secrets that they ought to take to the grave.

‘’But we’ll open that case after Niall gets into uni.’’ Liam says. ‘’I don’t care what he says about it. That Allen guy will not live free on my watch.’’

Harry is glad he’s found his allies.

Finally…

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Things don’t just get better overnight. It’s like pouring treacle, it’s slow and it takes its absolute time, even as life goes on.

The boys are more affectionate with Louis after their blow out but it's to the point of suffocation until they realize that Louis doesn’t need that from them so much as he wants validation for his actions. They don’t condone what he did but they also don’t hold it over his head. In their search for some middle-ground, they choose to look forward to the future and put the past behind them.

Anne urges Louis to seek therapy and it’s only after she tells him that it’s free as part of a charity program she sponsors that he goes. She doesn’t tell him that the charity service is for victims of sexual abuse and human trafficking since she knows that Louis doesn’t like the label, doesn’t see himself as one but it gets him to go so she accepts what she can get.

Harry goes to the flower shop after school every day and studies there while Louis works. Three days a week, he drives Louis to the therapist’s office. He makes an excuse about it, says that his dad’s office building is right around the corner and while it’s not really his routine to have dinner with his dad before he drives home, he makes it a routine now since it’s the only way that Louis agrees for him to drive him to and from home.

‘’How was it tonight?’’ Harry asks after the third session. Spring has been slowly creeping in and just as fast as it had come, it was also slowly making way for summer. Harry's finals were slowly coming upon him and though Niall hadn't finished his yet, he'd already applied for his summer classes early, like next week early to make up for the one term he had missed. The school he had signed up with was very sympathetic of his situation but now that Niall’s more mobile, he was required to actually go to school now and attend the rest of his classes there, something that Niall was actually happy about.

Zayn had broken off his contract with Jonah and funny enough, it had nothing to do with Louis. He was doing a reading and signing event at a children’s special needs pre-school facility when a man approached him and asked if he would like to sign with a better company. The man, a Mr. Jack Whitehall was funny and charismatic and was no simple scout of talent. He was an art director that came from a much bigger publishing company, which was probably why he approached Zayn right in front of Jonah’s face. Naturally, Zayn said yes, and let the man’s company lawyer handle all the contract bits. Zayn’s second fairy tale, coming up end of June, was now going to be published under the man’s team and tutelage.

It was a day to celebrate. But deep down, Harry wondered how the news made Louis feel. Was he scared or happy? Was he worried or relieved?

‘’Draining,’’ Louis sighs, head against the window and looking out.

‘’Do you wanna talk about it?’’ Harry asks. Louis doesn’t always say what the sessions are like but he does open up more often now. Sometimes, he’ll say things to shock Harry, see if he can take it and most times Harry can. Sure, he breaks down later but he knows that if Louis senses an ounce of weakness in him, he’ll back off and clam up, keep it in and Harry doesn’t want him to do that, wants him to always know that he can tell him anything, even if it hurts him.

‘’She keeps saying I’m a victim,’’ Louis says after a long while. The traffic lights illuminate his face in colour, making his eyelashes look longer. His eyes are deep in thought. ‘’I don’t feel like I am.’’

‘’Does that make you upset?’’ Harry asks gently.

‘’No, I just…I just want to be over it.’’ Louis exhales. ‘’Want to be okay then. Want to stop feeling like there are phantom arms around me.’’

Harry tries not to tighten his grip on the steering wheel and he manages but his jaws hurt from how hard he’d gritted his teeth at Louis’ words.

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’Haz?’’

‘’Yeah, Lou?’’

‘’You’ve really never been with anyone but me?’’ Louis asks. ‘’Ever?’’

‘’I don’t even dream about it,’’ Harry snorts. They stop at a red light and Harry looks at him. ‘’Why do you ask?’’

‘’You don’t get curious?’’ Louis pauses. ‘’about…you know?’’

‘’Sex?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis chuckles. ‘Sex.’’

‘’I do,’’ Harry admits.

‘’Really?’’

‘’Louis, I’m 18,’’ Harry laughs again. ‘’I’m not single. Of course I think about it.’’

‘’But all you have is me.’’

‘’So?’’

‘’You think about fucking me?’’

‘’No,’’ Harry doesn’t mean to snap but he does. ‘’Don’t say that word in that context like you’re some piece of meat. It won’t be like that between us, not ever.’’

The lights turn green and he hits the gas. The silence in the car is awkward.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Louis says.

‘’It’s okay.’’

‘’I just…I talked about it with Marilyn.’’ Louis says, referring to his therapist. ‘’About us sleeping together and…’’

‘’Louis, it doesn’t matter to me…’’

‘’But it should,’’ Louis interrupts. ‘’I can’t keep living my life knowing that you’re the one person I want and cannot have, not after a lot of people...’’

‘’Why can’t you have me?’’ Harry interrupts, bewildered. ‘’Lou, you have me.’’

‘’You know what I mean…’’

‘’And it’s always ever been your call.’’ Harry says. ‘’Lou, I’m in no rush but don’t think for a second that I don’t want to lay you down and make love to you or if you want it the other way around, I’m fine with that too. The only reason why I’m cool about waiting is because we’re not in that stage where we have to prove anything to each other anymore.’’

‘’What does that mean?’’

Harry parks the car before he answers, makes sure to turn off the engine before he turns to Louis.

‘’It means I’m yours and you’re mine if you wanna be and to me, that’s all that matters.’’ Harry says before he reaches for Louis’ hand over the console. ‘’Okay?’’

‘’I am yours.’’ Louis says. ‘’I’ve been yours and no one else’s. Ever.’’

Harry smiles because he knows what Louis means, knows where his heart resides even when his body was not in his control; it makes something warm settle in his chest whenever Louis says things like that. Deep down, Harry is not always that assured that Louis still wants him like before or even loves him as much. Sometimes, he feels like all he does is push and he hates himself for it but every time those doubts creep in, Louis proves him wrong, proves that he is into this relationship just as much as he is. Harry understands his hesitation now because of all that was unveiled but it didn’t make his doubts any less bothersome.

Tonight, his doubts wash away like the sand in the seashore, moving back with the tide.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

They have dinner one night and it's a rowdy affair.

Harry doesn’t have school anymore but he’s started a summer job at the country club, caddying for his father’s friends. It’s nice but he worries when the heat of summer will strike. His set of curls is not a fan of humidity.

Things between him and Louis are calm and steady but so have things been with the boys. Zayn and Liam no longer badger Louis with big worried eyes whenever he goes to the grocery store and they don’t keep checking on him when it's time to go to sleep. Somehow, Zayn had decided to fit a bed in the art room for him to sleep in, which then turned into his own personal bedroom. Liam had then decided to room with Niall which meant that when Harry sleeps over, he and Louis have more privacy. It’s not like they ever do anything but cuddle and sleep. Harry meant it back then when he'd said they'd go at Louis’ pace.

Anyways, dinner is a rowdy affair because it turns out, Niall has a crush on a girl in summer school and he’d totally butchered asking her out and the boys tease the hell out of him, which turns into giving pointers, which turns into the most outrageous pick-up lines they can come up with, which turns into a late night of fun.

‘’Lou, they’re mean.’’ Niall pouts exaggeratedly as he leans into Louis.

‘’Stop bulling baby,’’ Louis swats at them as he gathers Niall into his lap and wraps his arms around him. He’d gotten some colour back into his face and is slowly putting on some weight again. It’s one of the things Harry had put on his list; sharing cooking recipes with Louis.

When Louis doesn’t have therapy, they’re in the kitchen making dinner because Harry always drags him up from the sofa with a new outrageous recipe he finds online and begs him to try it and he knows it’s something that will always nag at Louis’ curiosity, the need to find out different tastes in food. It somehow turns into Harry asking Louis to taste the food he makes and sure, he does it on purpose not to get it right the first time –even though sometimes, it’s not on purpose because he’s not really all that good- but it gets Louis eating and the happier he is, the more bites he takes. Harry counts it as a huge victory.

‘’Oh c’mon, let us live a little,’’ Liam says. He cackles when Niall throws a bun at him. ‘’I mean look at Niall all grown up, chasing after a lass.’’

‘’Lou!’’ Niall whines.

‘’I’m gonna call Sophia and tell her that you used to wet the bed when you were 12 years old.’’ Louis threatens, pointing a carrot stick at Liam, much to Harry and Zayn’s delight.

‘’You wouldn’t dare!’’ Liam says, aghast.

‘’I think he’s serious, Li.’’ Zayn says.

‘’Dead serious,’’ Harry adds and then laughs along with Zayn when Niall sticks his tongue out at Liam in triumph.

Harry and Zayn’s laughter turns into loud cackles when Liam gets up suddenly and attacks Niall into tickles. It turns into a full on wresting match between Louis, Liam and Niall and they end up on the floor, upending some empty cartons of Chinese take-away. Harry is laughing to the point of tears and Zayn is right along with him, watching the kitchen turn into mayhem.

It’s a night of absolute delight.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

When Niall takes off his braces and has them replaced with retainers, they go to the restaurant where he sings to celebrate.

It’s just the five of them with the girls and Niall is on duty but they don’t mind since Niall had been inviting them for ages to come and hear him sing, especially because he gets to use his employee’s discount whenever he brings people to the restaurant.

They’re dressed in semi-casual clothes and for all that Harry is naturally reserved, tonight, he’s…more.

Lately, actually, he’s been full of touches and they’re always kind and benign, something that Louis is coming to fully cherish. But tonight, his touches linger. His hand at the small of his back when he’d guided him in left such warmth to it that made Louis’ skin tingle through the light layer of his shirt. His hand on Louis’ thigh remained while they ordered and talked and only left when the food arrived. They’d come at around 4:30 so that Niall can at least eat with them some appetizers before he’d gone on the mini stage and sat on the lone stool with his guitar.

They all know he can sing. They hear him enough back home, in the shower, in the kitchen, even while studying. He’s always singing but it’s different when other people around are enjoying a hearty meal but also looking up at him and actually listening.

‘’He’s so good,’’ Harry whispers in his ear as Niall sings a beautiful rendition of an old Ne-Yo song. He’s got his arm around Louis’ shoulder, their chairs pressed close together. Liam is recording Niall like a proud papa and Zayn and his new girlfriend Gigi are cuddling to their left. Sophia is resting her head on Liam’s shoulder where she’s sat behind him. She’s looking up at Niall on the stage through the phone. They’re sitting to their right, leaving him and Harry in the middle with full view of the restaurant.

‘’He is,’’ Louis whispers back as he cuddles into Harry, playing with his fingers where his arm rests around him, tucking him to his side. He’s a little bit tipsy on good wine and is all loose-limbed from it and maybe more from Harry’s constant caressing and loving touches.

All throughout the meal, it’s like Harry cannot get enough of him; wiping a bit of sauce on his lip instead of just pointing it out, cupping a hand around his ear and whispering to him funny little things, kissing the back of his hand when he’d sat back, too famished to order dessert.

They haven’t done much kissing except when they’d gone on their dates and Louis feels bad for avoiding his lips back when things were particularly awful, back when Jonah still had his claws deep in him in those two weeks he had him before left him mentally scarred after.

But now, Louis looks at Harry's lips and wonders if they taste different than before, if they still want him, if they still spark life into him, the way they did under the street lamp with violin music in the air.

He stares all night in longing, wondering what it would be like to fully give in to Harry.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’He can be a singer one day,’’ Harry says when they retire to the bedroom. Niall has school tomorrow and Louis still has to wake up early so they’ve all gone their separate ways into their rooms a little earlier than usual for them.

‘’You think so?’’ Louis asks after he closes the door, having changed in the bathroom after Harry. ‘’I know he wants to be one but like, in a childhood dream kind of way.’’

‘’Yeah, I mean. It’s possible.’’ Harry says. ‘’It can happen.’’

Louis hums and is about to climb unto the bed when Harry grabs him by the hips.

‘’What?’’ Louis smiles, standing in the v of Harry’s legs, hands on his shoulders.

‘’What about you?’’ Harry asks, hands caressing the back of Louis’ knees. ‘’Tell me your dreams.’’

‘’Hmm,’’ Louis hums, kneading Harry’s shoulders a bit. ‘’You really want to know?’’

‘’Yeah, Lou.’’

‘’The flower shop downstairs.’’ Louis says after a while. ‘’Liam wants to turn it into a diner and for me to handle the kitchen, like some proper chef.’’

‘’Really?’’

‘’Yeah, the four of us own it. Zayn put all our names on the papers.’’ Louis says. ‘’Liam is serious, taking all these marketing courses and he doesn’t want to wait till next year, since our savings are going to be enough soon. He wants me to put mama’s cook book to good use.’’

‘’And your skills.’’ Harry says. ‘’God, you’d be great, Lou. Your food is amazing.’’

‘’Not really, only you guys like it.’’

‘’People will love it and I’ll be jealous.’’

‘’You can work as a waiter if you want.’’ Louis suggests. ‘’Niall plans on it while he’s in uni. It will save our budget.’’

‘’A proper family business.’’

‘’Yeah but we’ll see.’’ Louis says. His eyes are sparkling as he stares down at Harry. ‘’You not tired?’’

‘’Can’t get tired when I’m looking at you,’’ Harry grins.

‘’You’re so cheesy.’’

‘’Hmm.’’ Harry squeezes the back of his thighs. ‘’It’s true though.’’

Louis feels the air shift as Harry tucks his face into Louis’ tummy.

‘’I love you so much,’’ Harry tells him, voice muffled from his sleep shirt. ‘’I feel like I don’t tell you enough.’’

‘’You do,’’ Louis reaches for his hair, caresses his curls. ‘’You tell me every day.’’

‘’Not enough,’’

Louis swallows.

‘’Can I sit on your lap?’’ he asks tentatively. It makes Harry look up.

‘’Sure,’’ he says, tone careful.

Louis feels like every molecule in the air is moving in slow motion, every single gas particle spreading about and accommodating him until he’s sat gingerly on Harry’s lap, thighs spread on the side of his legs.

‘’This okay?’’ he asks Harry.

‘’Perfect,’’

‘’We can exchange if you want.’’

‘’No,’’ Harry grabs his waist. ‘’I love holding you.’’

‘’I…um…’’

‘’What?’’ Harry bops his nose with his, smiles beatifically.

‘’I miss kissing you,’’ Louis admits. ‘’want to kiss you properly.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry tries to control his smile but it slips, big and happy.

At first, Louis kisses his teeth and they laugh. They try again but they laugh again. And then they meet each other’s eyes and the air shifts into something deeper. The particles around them are no longer moving in tandem with them but are standing still, waiting in anticipation.

Louis makes the first move and at first, the kiss is tentative. It hits him that Harry really is inexperienced but he’d always been a good kisser, or maybe his lips were just made for him to kiss.

Louis likes that thought a lot.

‘’Okay?’’ Harry whispers into his lips. Louis responds by kissing him deeper, demanding more. Harry moans into his open mouth and tastes his tongue. It quickly becomes addictive. Louis sucks Harry’s tongue into his mouth and Harry gives into him and the rush of power is exhilarating. He’s never had that before and Harry is so beautiful about it, makes all these sugary-sweet sounds that go straight to his...

‘’Lie down,’’ Louis pushes at his chest. Harry keeps one arm around him as he uses his other hand to get him properly on the bed before he lays back, head hitting the pillow.

‘’You look good on me.’’ Harry says when their lips part, big hands caressing his sides. His hair is a messy halo on the bed and Louis admires him for a while, admires his ragged breathing, his bruised lips. He’s so beautiful but the position makes him suddenly hesitant. He doesn’t like seeing Harry look so vulnerable but the thought of lying under him instead makes his skin crawl.

‘’You okay with this?’’ he checks.

‘’Yeah, Lou. It’s just you,’’ Harry says, like he can sense Louis’ concerns. ‘’It’s just us, love.’’

‘’I want to kiss some more.’’ He wants to tell him exactly what he wants because he never had that. All those clients, they never told him what they wanted and he lived in fear of what the hours would bring, terrified of their every move. He doesn’t want Harry to be taken off guard.

‘’Won’t say no to that.’’ Harry smiles and it settles something in him, that Harry wants this, is enjoying their intimacy.

He bends down and cups Harry's face while he kisses him. Harry’s caressing hands don’t stop and soon he relaxes fully on top of him, arms tucking under Harry’s head and the change in angle deepens the kiss. Harry moans into his mouth again and the kiss gets wetter.

Before he knows it, Harry’s legs fold up and bracket him. Before he knows it, he’s rutting down on Harry.

‘’It’s okay, Lou. It’s okay.’’ Harry says hurriedly when Louis pushes down his legs by the knees and sits up, breathing gone unsteady. ‘’Baby, you can do what you want.’’

‘’Give me a minute.’’ He closes his eyes when Harry sits up and can’t help but cover his face with his hands and lean into Harry’s chest when Harry’s arms wrap around him. ‘’I’m sorry, I just don’t like seeing you like that.’’

‘’Like what?’’ Harry asks kindly.

‘’Like you’re not in control.’’

He thought it would trigger him more if it was Harry on top of him, leaning down on him with all his weight. He was wrong.

‘’I am,’’ Harry refutes. ‘’We both are.’’

Louis crosses his arms over his chest until each palm is over his shoulders. He taps three times and takes a deep breath in between each tap. He’s done this before, even done it with Harry whenever he’d still have the occasional nightmare but therapy has been giving him healthy coping mechanisms for whenever he feels like he’s about to panic and he doesn’t know why he feels the need to do it now when he doesn’t feel like panicking. He just…

‘’I just want to relax with you.’’ Louis says into his chest. ‘’I don’t want you to be afraid.’’

In the silent aftermath, he wonders if Harry understands what he means.

‘’Do you want me to check in with you?’’ Harry asks slowly. ‘’Like, if you do something I don’t like, I can just tell you. You’d stop, right?’’

Louis looks up at him in shock.

He understands. He fucking understands.

‘’How…How do you know that…’’

‘’Because you always worry about others first, even from yourself,’’ Harry cups his face, eyes looking lovingly into his eyes. ‘’It’s still your default setting.’’

‘’You can’t be this perfect,’’ Louis says almost to himself.

‘’I’m not,’’ Harry’s smile is small and simple. ‘’But I know we’re perfect for each other.’’ He pauses. ‘’You would never hurt me. You love me.’’

Louis nods once before he leans in for a kiss. His heart feels full like an overflowing cup, bursting at the seams with his love for this boy. He loves him with every atom in his being, wants to cherish him, hold him, wants to mould himself to his touches and ignite a fire within his caresses to warm him up.

‘’I love you,’’ Louis tells him when he starts rutting against him again. ‘’Please touch me.’’

‘'Like this?’’ Harry asks as his hands move down to his arse and squeezes.

''Yeah,'' Louis is properly moaning into his mouth, fingers making a mess of his hair. Harry hips push up towards his pelvis and the friction is so good and rough and it’s been so long since he’s ever felt this good…he’s never felt this good and…

‘’I love you, I love you…’’ he babbles as he comes into his sleep pants, keeps kissing Harry as the boy underneath him chases his high. ‘’Haz….’’

The name pushes Harry over and he ends up gasping into Louis’ mouth, lips parting and a string of saliva forming a bridge between them.

Harry’s eyes open slowly and they’re watery and serene and his lips stretch to a smile, breaking the line between them.

‘’Hi baby,’’ he exhales.

‘’Hi…’’ Louis breathes. ‘’How was it?’’

‘’What? Coming in my pants?’’ Harry chuckles before his smile widens. His upper lip is dotted with sweat and his cheeks are flushed pink. ‘’Looking at you come apart with me? Listening to you say my name while you made me feel good? Which part?’’

‘’All of it,’’ Louis replies. His elbows feel like jelly so he tucks his face into Harry’s neck, lets him gathers him into his arms. He looks up when fingers caress his cheek.

‘’I loved all of it,’’ Harry tells him. The feeling of being wrapped in a bubble engulfs him, seeing the way Harry once again narrows his vision to him, like he is all he sees. To be fair, Louis feels the same. ‘’I love you more than you can ever know.’’ He kisses his forehead before he looks at him. ‘’I’ll cherish you forever.’’

Louis cannot help but kiss the inside of Harry's palm before he burrows deeper into him.

Cleaning up can wait; he's got a warm toasty boy to cuddle to sleep.


	19. 19

_Come just as you are to me_   
_Don't need apologies_   
_Know that you are all worthy_   
_I'll take your bad days with your good_   
_Walk through this storm I would_   
_I'd do it all because I love you, I love you_

Katy Perry, Unconditionally

They’re in the flower shop and the place is a mess.

There are newspapers strewn across the floor and left-over flower pots and bags of soil still lying around. Louis and Madam Rose had sold all the flowers they had and have finally declared the place under renovation for their new business prospect. It was sad seeing her go but she seemed happy and eager for a new chapter in her life. Honestly, Louis and the lads are excited too.

Liam had finally finished taking all of his marketing and business courses and with Zayn’s second fairy tale another big success, they’ve decided to start working on their diner. Liam had even shifted to the night shifts so that he can devote all his efforts to their new future prospect.

Harry is honestly an angel; he helps Louis out with preparing the menus, choosing more often than not to sample and taste the food, much to Louis’ delight and exasperation. Everyone contributes as much as they can, even Zayn. He’s got great ideas for the decoration of the place and they already have multiple buckets of paint lined up and ready to be opened.

The girls sometimes pass by to help too. They’re currently sat by the makeshift counter where Louis, Liam and Harry are discussing how to change the outline of the place. Niall had just entered and has introduced them to his ‘lady friend’ Hailee. She’s cute and they look adorably awkward around each other.

Their light-hearted conversation was then interrupted when a customer enters the place. Louis recognizes him; he’s a regular, a tall lad called Shawn, who always busy flowers for his deceased grandmother every weekend. It is the first time he’s come by with place looking out of sorts and with the lads and the girls there. It’s usually just him and Madam Rose, who pinches his cheeks and swats his bum because she’s known him since he was little and still likes to treat him like one, much to Shawn’s embarrassment and Louis’ delight.

‘’I know you,’’ Shawn suddenly says. Louis was in the middle of explaining to him that the flower shop was no longer a flower shop and that the former would have to buy his lilies elsewhere when Niall had spoken and told Shawn that he has to come by for the grand opening, already eager and already promoting.

‘’Who? Me?’’ Niall says, pointing at himself.

Shawn suddenly looks drained of colour, like the sound of Niall’s voice shook his foundation. Louis observes as Shawn’s eyes moves down to Niall’s leg before they go back up.

‘’No, must be someone else.’’ Shawn says uneasily, eyeing Niall’s blonde hair.

‘’I attended the last couple of weeks of school,’’ Niall offers. ‘’Maybe you saw me there. Do we go to the same…’’

‘’No, I don’t go to school.’’ Shawn shakes his head. He looks sick.

‘’You alright, mate?’’ Harry asks. He probably noticed as well.

‘’Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.’’ Shawn dismisses. He almost trips over a can of paint as he walks back before he rights himself. ‘’I have to go, need to find a new flower shop…’’

‘’Take care,’’ Niall says. Shawn waves half-hearted before he exits the place. ‘’Weird lad,’’

‘’Yeah…’’ Louis says, eyeing the door. ‘’Really weird.’’

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

In the sweltering heat of summer, they all work on the diner around the clock. Liam wants the opening to be as soon as the school year starts but with two months to go, Louis wonders if they’ll really meet their set deadline. But Liam is a driven soul and Louis offers nothing but his support.

In between his shift at the bakery, his therapy sessions and date time with Harry and lads night with the boys, he finds time to work on the tasks Liam assigns for him, like buying the equipment he will need in the kitchen, choosing the supplier of the food they’re going to need and whatnot. It’s draining but fulfilling, having an end goal that is both promising and ambitious.

One day, Shawn comes back again.

Louis doesn’t see him looking through the window front, too busy talking to Niall about finding the courage to ask Hailee out on a date.

‘’But what if she goes to another uni from the one I want?’’ Niall asks. ‘’She might not stay in London, you know?’’

‘’It’s just a date, lad.’’ Louis says kindly.

‘’Yeah, you can just have fun, Niall.’’ Harry adds. ‘’I mean, you can’t be serious about her already?’’

‘’It’s not that,’’ Niall hedges. ‘’I’d like us to stay friends even if she moves but we go on a couple of dates just for fun, wouldn’t it be awkward after?’’

‘’Did she say that she’s really moving?’’ Liam asks, eyes not leaving the budget sheet he’s got on the table. Louis is on the other side of the counter, pressed into Harry’s chest where the boy is sat behind him on a stool, arms around his waist and head resting on his shoulder.

‘’I mean, it can happen.’’ Niall shrugs; rolling on the balls of his feet.

‘’Well, you shouldn’t be nervous about something like that,’’ Louis says gently. ‘’It won’t hurt to ask her. You are friends, right?’’

‘’She’s a great friend,’’ Niall nods, smile sweet. ‘’I really like her.’’

‘’Excuse me?’’

Niall turns around and they see Shawn entering the door, looking hesitant.

‘’Hi there,’’ Louis waves. That weird feeling he got when Shawn was here last time comes back again. It’s not exactly a pleasant feeling but the way that Shawn had looked at Niall made something icky stem inside his chest.

‘’Hi,’’ Shawn waves back, standing by the door.

‘’You found your flower shop?’’ Harry asks when the silence lingers.

‘’No,’’ Shawn stutters. ‘’I was hoping you’d recommend a place. Surely you know your competitors.’’

‘’We didn’t sell flowers to compete with anyone,’’ Louis snorts.

‘’Right,’’ Shawn says, eyes on Niall again.

‘’Sorry for wasting your time,’’ Niall says when he notices the attention. ‘’It must mean a lot to you, buying flowers on the regular.’’

‘’Yeah, it’s for my nan.’’ Shawn says, hands in the pockets of his skinny jeans. He’s a thin lad, tall and actually quite handsome but something is off about him to Louis, something familiar, like a bitter after taste. ‘’She means a lot to me. I had no one else.’’

‘’Sorry for your loss,’’ Liam says sympathetically.

‘’Yeah, I…’’ Shawn pauses. ‘’I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m here.’’

They’re surprised when he just turns around and leaves.

This time, Louis follows him.

‘’Lou…’’ Harry calls.

‘’I’ll be right back, love.’’ Louis assures him quickly before he goes out the door and follows Shawn. The lad’s got long legs and he’s already a street down before Louis catches up to him and grips his bicep.

‘’Wait,’’ Louis says and that ugly feeling rears back when Shawn flinches from him. ‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.’’

‘’It’s okay,’’ Shawn says, taking a step back from Louis and ending inside the entry of an alleyway. ‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave so suddenly.’’

‘’You worked for Nick,’’ Louis says, no preamble whatsoever and watches the look of familiar horror grow in Shawn’s eyes. His suspicions are now confirmed. ‘’And I don’t mean as a waiter or a bartender at the night club. You were assigned a room like me.’’

Louis watches Shawn’s Adam’s apple bop as he swallows, watches as Shawn lowers his gaze.

‘’Like you?’’ Shawn repeats, looking up nervously.

‘’Yeah, I worked there weekdays,’’ Louis shares. ‘’Only did the weekend shift when I got sick and couldn’t come.’’

‘’You worked there long?’’

‘’Less than a year. You?’’

‘’Since I was 16,’’ Shawn says, much to Louis’ shock. He tries not to let it show and fails.

‘’Shit,’’ Louis could barely survive the months he had worked there and Shawn may have a height advantage over him but he looks young. ‘’How old are you now?’’

‘’19,’’

‘’This has to do with your nan?’’ Louis knows from Madam Rose that Shawn had been buying a bouquet of white lilies himself every Friday before he goes to the cemetery, long before Louis came around. Even Zayn knows him because Shawn has been coming by to buy flowers for his nan for years. Madam Rose had told him that Shawn’s grandmother was a friend of hers and in honour of that relationship, she’d even offered Shawn a job at the flower shop but he never accepted. Louis knows all too well about needing a job that could make ends meet and a shift at the flower shop pales in comparison to one night at Nick’s.

‘’My parents back in Canada, they don’t…they’re too busy having a career to take care of me,’’ Shawn admits. ‘’They sent me here when I was really young and when my nan died, I didn’t want to go back. I told them I have a job and that I don’t need their support, didn’t want to go to uni anyways. I thought they’d come and get me. Turns out they don’t care, especially now that they’re divorced.’’

‘’Fuck, that’s tough,’’ Louis says, sympathetic. Some parents can be so cruel sometimes.

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’So you started working for Nick’s.’’ Louis says.

‘’It was good money,’’ Shawn shifts his eyes away again. ‘’I actually enjoyed it too.’’

Louis understands all too well the feeling of being craved, of being wanted. In his darkest hours, back when he’d thought he wouldn’t ever see Harry again, some of the clients adorned him with so much affection that sometimes, it felt enough, knowing that he was liked, even if it’s just for his body.

‘’Some clients would pay extra for me to spend a couple of hours at their homes.’’ Shawn continues. ‘’I slept in really comfy beds, ate good food, went to nice places, like a high-class escort.’’ Shawn laughs self-deprecatingly. ‘’You probably know about all that.’’

‘’Not really,’’ Louis doesn’t know and then he remembers that Nick said there were different pimps who catered boys and girls to different clients, who had different tastes. It’s no wonder they never met, even in passing. Louis had caught glimpses of some of the other babes after his shift was over but as a rule, they never spoke to each other, never even looked each other’s way. ‘’You still work there?’’

‘’No,’’ Shawn says. It’s not cold anymore but Louis sees him shiver, hands jamming into his pockets again. His t-shirt is threadbare and his jeans look unwashed. Louis wonders when the last time he ate was. ‘’I…things went bad a couple of months ago.’’ Shawn pauses. ‘’I got this client, a regular. I thought I could please him, give him the usual but the moment he saw me, he threw a fit, said I was all wrong, said I wasn’t what he wanted. I was surprised; he was always happy with me, took me on rides in his cars a lot.’’

‘’Allen?’’ Louis says, heart beating loud in his chest.

Shawn’s eyes widen at the mention of the name. ‘’Yes.’’

‘’You gave him road head,’’ Louis says, chest tightening as he speaks. ‘’Last year. It was winter. He hit a lad…’’

‘’It was by accident,’’ Shawn says shakily. ‘’And it was dark…’’

‘’But you did nothing when he dragged the lad’s body inside some alleyway and left him in the snow beside a homeless shelter.’’ Louis snaps. ‘’Niall could’ve died that night!’’

‘’I didn’t have a phone on me,’’ Shawn starts crying. ‘’I didn’t want to leave him but Allen was…’’

‘’Allen could’ve killed him.’’ Louis interrupts. ‘’Why didn’t you go to the police? Why didn’t you report him?’’

‘’I needed the money,’’ Shawn says desperately. ‘’I’m sorry. You know what it’s like. You know!’’

Sadly, Louis does know but he doubts he would’ve done what Shawn did.

‘’You can do something now.’’ Louis says kindly. ‘’You coming back today means you feel guilty. You recognized Niall’s face. That means something to you.’’

‘’I helped Allen drag his body away,’’ Shawn admits, eyes ablaze with guilt. ‘’He was still alive and he kept looking at me, asked for my help. It haunted me.’’

‘’That means you’re a good person.’’ Louis says. ‘’You can’t bear it, even after all this time, the weight of your guilt.’’

‘’It’s why I left the job,’’ Shawn says quietly. ‘’After Allen beat the hell out of me, I couldn’t continue working there anymore. He was…cruel and like, I helped him but he didn’t even remember.’’

‘’I’m not asking you to seek revenge against him.’’ Louis says. ‘’I’m asking you to do what’s right. You’re a witness and…’’

‘’I’m a prostitute.’’ Shawn interrupts. ‘’The police will arrest me if I come forward.’’

‘’I know a good lawyer,’’ Louis says eagerly. ‘’My boyfriend’s mum, she can plead your case. She’ll protect you.’’

‘’You have a boyfriend?’’ Shawn says, surprised. ‘’How?’’

‘’It’s not impossible to be loved.’’ Louis smiles. ‘’And you can change to the better, you can still be accepted for who you are. With the right people, you can live a better life.’’

Shawn looks at him for a long time and Louis can almost see the cogs in his head turning, noting the differences between them. Louis is much healthier than he was a couple of months ago. He doesn’t wake up in a panic much often anymore so the bags under his eyes are less black and his cheekbones are less prominent. He’d put on some weight too but still stayed lean. And he’s happier than he’s ever been. Sure, he still has to deal with some anxiety when he thinks a person is staring at him too long, still has to count down to three and take deep breathes when he thinks he sees the face of a client in the streets but he’s getting better, he’s getting there. He’s making it to Harry step by step and he’s getting closer every day.

He wants that for Shawn too, wants him to seek redemption.

‘’Can I think about it?’’ Shawn asks tentatively.

‘’Sure,’’ Louis says, even though he wants to shake Shawn by the biceps and call Anne right now but he knows when to give a person space. God knows he needed it from Harry and he knows Shawn needs it from him too. ‘’You have a phone on you? You can call me when you’re ready.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Shawn gives him a battered flip phone and Louis presses on the buttons and saves his number.

‘’You working?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Yeah, got a job cleaning beds at a retirement home.’’ Shawn shrugs. ‘’Nothing glamorous.’’

‘’You have a place to stay?’’

‘’Yeah, my nan gave me her house as part of her inheritance.’’ Shawn says. ‘’It’s not much but it’s everything. Besides, I have savings now that I don’t have to pay for her chemo anymore.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Louis says, lost for words. He wants to ask why Shawn’s parents didn’t help with money but he doesn’t want to overstep. ‘’Well…I’ll be waiting for your call then.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Shawn says before he awkwardly side-steps Louis and starts walking away. ‘’Bye then.’’

‘’Bye,’’

Louis really hopes he gets that call. Things have changed now; before, he never wanted to talk about it whenever Anne or Harry brought up the idea of Niall opening a case but now that Shawn’s appeared, he feels like it’s a sign.

He hopes it’s a good sign too.

The next day, Harry tells Louis that he’s received a letter saying he’d gotten into the University of London where he plans on studying English Literature. The news that Harry wouldn’t be moving away to Brighton or Leeds like he’d initially thought when he’d caught a sneak peak of Harry’s uni applications brings so much relief and joy into his heart that he doesn’t bring up the topic of Shawn that he had postponed.

It’s best not to get his hopes up anyways.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Niall gets a letter at the end of August that says he’s gotten accepted into the University of London on a full scholarship. He’s so overjoyed that he streaks downstairs in his underwear and bursts into the ex-flower shop right when Harry was telling Louis that he plans on moving in with him officially.

‘’Zayn! Lads!’’ Niall jumps up and down, a piece of paper and a torn envelope in his hands. ‘’Lou!’’

‘’Niall, where are your clothes?’’ Louis asks loudly, surprised by all the pale white skin in front of him.

‘’I got in!’’ Niall shouts. ‘’I got my scholarship!’’

They’re all shocked into silence.

‘’You heard me?’’ Niall shouts again, teary smile on his face.

And like a film that was allowed to play, a film that changes from black and white into colour, they all come alive with excitement.

Zayn sweeps Niall off his feet, Liam jumps over the counter like some fireman and Louis and Harry engulf Niall in a hug the moment Zayn puts him back down.

‘’You did it! You did it!’’ Louis cries, voice overlapped with that of the other lads.

It’s a day of immeasurable happiness.

Niall is in his element, talking about majoring in sound engineering and dragging the lads with him to check out the campus and all the clubs and lecture halls he’s going to be sitting in. he doesn’t plan on staying in the dorms but he wants to see everything, wants to see the pitch, the lawn, the benches, the library, everything and he wants the lads with him.

That night, Liam frames Niall’s acceptance letter and hangs it on a wall in their living room that has a banner called, “Leona’ accolades’’. Niall’s graduation certificate is already there, as well as Harry’s acceptance letter and graduation certificate too. Liam’s online certifications for his marketing courses are there too as well as a framed picture of the cover of Zayn’s first fairy tale publication and photograph of him next to his very first mural, the one he’d painted for the country club.

Louis isn’t even sad that he doesn’t have a place on that wall because Leona’s dreams are coming true and to Louis, that’s all that matters.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It’s the end of September when Louis sees Jonah again.

Zayn had just released his third fairy tale and had invited the lads over to the book’s launch party. It’s more of a net-working event but Zayn wanted the lads to come over and enjoy the free food and drinks, so they dress up and go, occupying a table all to themselves.

Jack is a blast and he shows Zayn off like he’s a rare gem to behold. To be fair, he is. His books are beloved, if not for the slightly macabre theme and recently, he’d just sold a painting to a major UK celebrity whose Instagram followers put Zayn on the map. Now, he’s busier than ever and it must be tiring being on such high demand but Zayn handles it with infinite grace and only takes on what he wants to, even now that the diner is all ready for its grand opening. He’d covered the walls of the place in murals and such wonderful art, framed paintings in all sorts of sizes hanging in almost any available surface Liam is sure that combined with Louis’ cooking, will attract loads of customers. Louis still cannot help but keep his fingers crossed.

He’s by the bar, about to order some drinks when he feels a presence behind him.

‘’It’s been a while, babe.’’

Louis stiffens but the all-consuming fear that he would’ve felt months ago, doesn’t creep up over him. He’s better now at handling his anxiety, even if internally, he feels the all too familiar sludge of dread bubbling up.

‘’It sure has,’’ Louis rattles off his order to the bartender and then keeps looking forward as Jonah takes a seat on a stool next to him. ‘’What are you doing here?’’

‘’Socialising,’’ Jonah says, putting one leg over the other as he sips his martini. ‘’You?’’

‘’Celebrating,’’ Louis says, glancing at Jonah only to see him already looking, smirking.

‘’Happy days, yeah?’’

‘’You can say so.’’ Louis shrugs. He’s sweating underneath his shirt. ‘’You?’’

‘’Getting a divorce.’’ Jonah says before he finishes off his martini. ‘’About to be milked dry for my infidelity.’’

‘’Oh?’’

‘’C’mon, don’t pretend like you don’t know.’’ Jonah cuts a look at him. He’s pinched the cherry in his empty glass by the stem and is fiddling with it. ‘’I heard about what happened to the night club owner and his business mogul of a brother.’’

Louis fixes his fringe to hide the fact that he couldn’t keep up with Jonah’s knowing gaze.

You see, when Shawn finally called, Anne made good on her promise. She had already been collecting evidence and building a case long before Louis brought Shawn to her office and after he did, it was a breeze from there. She’s a good lawyer and she’s handled sharks much more vicious than Allen, put men in suits who thrived on power back where they belong, men who thought they were untouchable and above the law.

It turns out that what happened to Niall was not Allen’s only mishap. Digging deep led to evidence of embezzlement, fraud and several cases of domestic violence with past partners, some of which carried proof of his abuse. Funny enough, said partners didn’t even work for Ben at all.

With Shawn as a prime and protected witness, Anne managed to get enough money off of Allen to pay for what had happened to Niall and has opened case after case against his other crimes. The money Niall was given was almost double the money that Louis and the lads were told to pay at the hospital and it felt so good, knowing that Allen was finally behind bars and will probably remain behind bars for a long time. Louis did not need to attend the court-hearing to taste that feeling of satisfaction, knowing that Niall was finally being compensated for what had happened to him.

As for Ben, well, funny enough, Louis had nothing to do with his demise. Jonah had continued going to his establishment until one time his wife followed him and after that, all hell broke loose. Not only had she filed for divorce but knowing where her husband’s indiscretion was focused on, she blew the lid off the establishment, bringing the police down on Ben and what was happening in those rooms. Yes, most of the boys and girls who worked there were there of their own accord but funny enough, not all of them. Louis is lucky enough that he wasn’t one of those poor souls that Ben had kidnapped from foster care, messing up their papers so that they’re forever lost, locked in a room for months on end, having who knows what being done to them. Louis counts his lucky stars that he’s not only survived but made it.

‘’I heard about it all in the papers.’’ Louis says casually. It’s not wrong; the taking down of a night club acting as a front for a dodgy sex-ring whose owner happened to be the step-brother of the businessman who was arrested for domestic violence and attempted murder is big news, not to mention the divorce of a well-known heiress sewing her husband for millions after finding out he wasn’t exactly straight or even vanilla.

‘’Your brother is smart,’’ Jonah says, making Louis look at him. He watches as Jonah bites the cherry off the stem and chews. ‘’Who knows what would’ve happened if he was still in contract with me?’’

Zayn had told Louis that Jack had bought the rights to his first fairy tale from Jonah and that Jonah had agreed since he needed it to pay for his divorce debacle. Not that Jack couldn’t pay the hefty price but he didn’t and deep down, Louis likes the thought of Jonah sweating for cash and having his reputation tarnished to bits. He feels evil knowing that Mr. Azoff had even barred Jonah from the country club but maybe for once, he feels entitled to feel a little bit cruel and the least bit sorry for the man. He feels almost giddy at the thought that Jonah might even do jail time; he’s read in the papers that he’s stolen from his wife’s family and that they’re sewing him for some missing jewels too, all used to pay for his regular trips to Ben’s establishment.

‘’He’s always been smart.’’ Louis says.

‘’So is your friend,’’ Jonah says, spitting the cherry seed into his empty glass. ‘’Did you know that my wife paid Nick to rat on me, the slimy bastard?’’

Louis did not know that. He actually has no idea what happened to Nick after the night clubs started shutting down. Hmm, maybe he found his way out.

‘’I don’t really know Nick all that well.’’ He simply says. His drinks arrive and the bartender is kind enough to offer him a tray and to have a waiter carry it to his table. Louis points at the direction of the lads, sees Harry laughing, mouth wide open and clapping like a seal. His hands are large enough to be mistaken; surely they can be mistaken for flippers...

‘’He satisfies you?’’

Louis turns his face and sees Jonah following his line of sight. Niall and Liam have their backs to him and the seat next to Harry is empty, waiting for him.

‘’My life has never been of your concern.’’ Louis says firmly, making Jonah look back at him. ‘’And he knows everything.’’

‘’Really? Everything? Even the way you served me?’’ Jonah says, lip titled in a cruel smirk. ‘’Even the way you knelt at my feet and called me…?’’

‘’Good luck with your divorce, Mr. Eckerton.’’ Louis interrupts him, a big smile on his face. He puts his hands in his pockets and steps in front of Jonah. ‘’I don’t really believe everything I read in the papers but I do hope you don’t do jail time or maybe,’’ Louis hums. ‘’Maybe you’ll like it there. I think you’ll fit right in.’’

‘’You little…’’

‘’Excuse me?’’

Louis doesn’t have to turn around to know that Harry is standing next to him.

‘’Yes?’’ Jonah says, evidently irritated.

‘’The gentlemen over there seem to be looking for you.’’ Harry says. Louis and Jonah follow where Harry pointed with his head. There are a couple of men by the entrance of the room. It’s a big room with a lot of industry people and therefore, two men in casual work suits and a very obvious badge on the hip stands out. ‘’I stopped them from entering and disrupting the party but I believe they are looking for a Mr. Jonah Eckerton? Your face matches their description.’’

‘’My name is none of your concern.’’ Jonah stands up. He looks pale and once again, that feeling of evil giddiness erupts in Louis’ chest.

‘’We’ll let you off then,’’ Louis says, wrapping an arm around Harry’s back. ‘’You seem to have some mingling to do.’’

Jonah cuts him a vindictive look but Louis looks at him straight on, doesn’t look away until Jonah turns around and walks towards the door. He keeps looking until the men in badges disappear with Jonah between them, quietly and with no disruption to Zayn’s party.

‘’So the newspapers were right,’’ Harry says. It’s only then that he feels himself shaking, only then that he feels Harry wrap his arm over his shoulder.

‘’Apparently so,’’ Louis says, swallowing the bile in his throat.

‘’You okay?’’ Harry turns towards him, cupping his face, eyes wide with concern.

‘’Will be now,’’ Louis smiles at him. He feels sweaty and a bit unhinged but he knows the feeling will go away soon, especially with Harry’s presence.

‘’Can I hug you?’’ Harry asks, doe-eyed and loving and worried and just absolutely lovely.

‘’You don’t have to…’’

Harry just goes ahead and hugs him anyways.

He breathes easy a few seconds later, like all his strings had been cut, no longer tied up to remnants of the past.

''Love you,'' Harry tells him, like its a secret, kept sheltered just between the two of them, treasured above all else.

''Love you too,'' Louis says, inhaling Harry' familiar cinnamon scent, the one he'd traced to his shampoo, the one he's come to love.

''It's finally over...''

''Yeah,''

Louis wonders what the people around them think of two lads hugging by the bar but Harry doesn't seem to care so neither does he.

A few moments later, they’re engulfed by Niall and Liam, teasing them for their PDA. Louis just plays along and hugs Niall to him. He’d been shocked when Niall had used half his compensation money to pay for the rest of his medical bills and the other half he’d put into investing on the diner. It’s the reason why the opening is sooner than they had planned it out to be and its scary and wild because what if no one shows up on their opening night? What if they don’t ‘’got’’ this? What if they didn’t get everything right?

Harry cackles at something that Niall says, arm still around Louis’ shoulder, when the lights dim. Jack takes the set-up stage and announces that an esteemed award is in order in honour of Zayn’s success and contribution to the world of children’s literary world. It's then that all feelings of doubt and fear fade away.

When Zayn takes the stage, they’re the loudest bunch that cheers and claps for him, much to Zayn’s amused dismay. Liam hands Louis a glass of fine champagne and they drink in honour of Zayn’s lovely speech and laugh and hoot when he points them out as his ‘’own personal army’’.

Louis has to say; he’s got his own personal army too. It’s not a general that leads it, not a commander or an experienced war veteran that holds the helm. It’s just a cherub of a boy with a halo of curls and grooves for dimples, a boy with a smile so bright and eyes even brighter, a boy who looks at him like he’s holding the entire world, a boy who doesn’t tire of him, who fights his pain tooth and nail, who can get vicious on his behalf and calm in the face of adversary, who wages war against the injustices that had befallen him and takes battle right along side him when his demons come out to play.

Harry never yields to despair; he does not falter in his love for him and if Louis didn't know any better, he'd think it was impossible for his heart to grow in size to accommodate this curly-headed warrior inside his chest but it has and it still is growing, expanding and widening like the depths of an endless valley.

When Zayn steps down from the stage and the party resumes, he heads straight for them, diverting his attention from Harry.

‘’Can Jack take a photo of us?’’ Liam asks as Niall admires Zayn’s award.

‘’Of course I bloody can!’’ Jack says after he’s followed Zayn and clapped him rather loudly on the back. He snatches Liam’s phone and asks them to huddle together. They stand with their arms around each other; just the five of them with Zayn at the centre and smile big and wide before Jack snaps one photo after another.

‘’Another magical night, yes?’’ Harry asks him when the photo-taking is over. His arm is still around Louis’ shoulder, smile mesmerizing and eyes glittering.

‘’One of the best,’’ Louis confirms.

‘’What was the best one so far?’’ Harry wonders.

‘’There’s too many to count,’’ Louis shakes his head.

‘’Your top 5 then,’’ Harry says as he follows Louis towards their table, still attached by the hip.

‘’Hmm…’’ he hums as he sits down, Harry sliding in after him and returning his arm around him, like he can’t get enough. Louis looks towards the lads as they stand around and talk with Jack. The man is just a bundle of laughter.

‘’The first time you kissed me, back in mama’s house,’’ Louis says, voice taking on a faraway tone. ‘’The day we ran through the mall and stood outside in the snow, still hand in hand….’’

‘’The day you came back into my life,’’ Louis continues when Harry tilts his chin and turns it towards him. Louis swears that Harry’s eyes sparkle, like shimmering jewels. ‘’and hugged me the longest. Our first ever date, when we kissed under the street lamp…’’

‘’That’s only four,’’ Harry says, deep voice a rumble where Louis had placed his head on his chest. ‘’You’re missing one,’’

‘’I think I’ll save that one,’’ Louis tells him, staring up at him. ‘’Want to save the best for last…’’

‘’I’m going to keep topping them,’’ Harry vows. ‘’Want you unable to narrow them down from how many good ones you’ve got.’’

‘’You’re so full of yourself sometimes,’’ Louis laughs.

‘’You love me though,’’ Harry shrugs. ‘’Nothing else matters.’’

‘’True,’’

He does love him, with all his flaws and insecurities, with all his doubts and imperfections, with all his rash behaviour and over-protectiveness. He loves him above all reason.

He loves him unconditionally.

''You tired baby?'' Harry asks.

‘’No,’’ Louis says. ''Kiss me?''

‘’Finally,’’ Harry grins before he cups his cheek and bends his neck. Everything around them fades away the moment Louis closes his eyes and Harry’s lips rest on his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the epilogue :D
> 
> Stay tuned :D


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is it!  
> Thank you to everyone who has read this and come on this journey with me. I hope I hear from you all again when my other fics come about. A shout out to all those who left me kudos and comments. You are all precious gems :D
> 
> Anyways, enjoy :D

_I set out on a narrow way many years ago_   
_Hoping I would find true love along the broken road_   
_But I got lost a time or two_   
_Wiped my brow and kept pushing through_   
_I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you_

_Rascall Flatts, Bless the Broken Road

Harry looks down at his watch. He’s five minutes late.

He curses as he parks his car in the employee’s parking lot, trying not to mutter obscenities as his boots hit thick snow. He loves the snow, he really does but it’s been bloody freezing for days and his boots are fraying. But sew him; he loves them, even if the lads always tease him about it.

Speaking of the lads, he can hear them the moment he jogs up to the back door and opens it to the usual chaotic mayhem. Once he’d managed to get his lectures schedule fixed up, he snagged the busiest shift so that he can rake in the tips. Louis doesn’t like it, doesn’t like him getting too tired to study but honestly, it has more to do with the weather than the work load. It's the type of weather that makes him just wants to stay under his warm blankets all day and cuddle Louis all night. Studying doesn’t get him any warmth or cuddles.

‘’I’m sorry I’m late,’’ Harry calls to Shawn who’s manning the cash register. He ties his apron strings behind him before he snags his note pad from under the counter and gets out onto the floor. It’s once again a busy night and Harry hasn’t had anything since brunch and Louis’ food has always made his belly ache with want. He smiles as he listens to a group of ladies recite their orders to him and he even gets to recommend a couple of dishes when they seem hesitant about which was the best to choose from. To be fair, if it was up to Harry, he’ll just order everything on the menu, it’s just easier.

‘’Table 2,’’ he calls when he opens the kitchen door. Louis looks up at him from where he’s slicing some tomatoes.

‘’How did your exam go?’’ he asks, pursing his lips as he accepts a quick peck from Harry.

‘’I definitely aced it,’’ Harry smirks. Louis just shakes his head at him before he continues slicing. ‘’You alright?’’

Earlier was Louis’ last therapy session. He’d driven Louis after brunch to the office before he’d gone back to uni. He hadn’t had time to text him all day, especially because he knows that Louis would be busy with work anyways.

‘’I’m perfect,’’ Louis smiles. Harry would like nothing more than to keep looking at him but he’s left Niall alone outside and Liam will hand him his arse if he doesn’t get to work.

‘’Surprise me tonight,’’ Harry says before he swings back out the door. Louis tends to make him dinner when he has exams and he usually tells Harry what he’ll be making because Harry is sometimes too hungry and looks forward to his meal to fuel him through his shift. But sometimes he likes it when Louis prepares something new, something unexpected.

‘’Will do,’’ Louis calls out. Harry smiles throughout the rest of his shift.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’I’m gonna pass out,’’ Harry sighs, eyes closed as he rests his head on the back of the sofa. Louis had made him a proper meal. One dish had prawns dipped in caramelized sauce, another had shredded carrots with something sweet in it (Louis tells him he’d added honey) and another dish was a platter of vegetables mixed in with spicy yellow rice. It was heaven.

‘’You liked it?’’

‘’Baby, you’ve put me in a food coma.’’ Harry moans as he pats his full belly. He hears Louis laugh beside him, hears him get up after he’s gathered the dishes.

‘’I’ll go get the dessert,’’ Louis says. Harry just hums. He’s bloody full but he can’t miss out on dessert; that’s the best.

He opens his eyes and looks around the apartment he shares with Louis and the lads. Liam is asleep; he always sleeps early now that he’s too busy being the diner’s manager. Niall is probably submitting some last-minute essay or preparing for his study group for tomorrow. Zayn is actually abroad, doing a book tour. The apartment is somewhat quiet and his eyes wander around, lingering on the wall with Leona’s accolades. A picture of Louis and Liam outside the diner on their grand opening night now rests under his certificate and next to it is a Polaroid picture of Louis in the kitchen shaking hands with a famous food critic who had suddenly visited the place. There’s a clipping from a newspaper about the highly-esteemed reviews Louis got from the man, citing how much Louis’ home-made cooking makes him think of home. Well, Harry definitely agrees with the man on that.

‘’Tada,’’ Louis says as he plops next to him.

‘’Banana cake!’’ Harry crows as Louis puts the plate on his lap and hands him a fork.

‘’It’s the last slice,’’ Louis says, face scrunching up. ‘’I think Niall ate some of your share.’’

‘’Oh for fuck’s sake,’’ Harry huffs but he’s more amused than anything else. It’s not the first time that Niall’s eaten more than his fair share.

‘’Tell me about your day,’’ Louis says, crossing his legs on the sofa and looking at him. His eyes are droopy and tired but as he looks happy, content.

It’s not a rare look on him and it reminds Harry of the ups and downs that has led to where they are now. It hadn’t been an easy road, ever since Jonah got arrested for grand theft. It’s not like Louis had recovered over night and was suddenly, blissfully okay. There were incidents that almost brought him right back to the self-loathing. There were occurrences in which they had disagreed and fought and lashed out on each other, too in love to see clearly, too protective to notice that they were maybe holding on a bit too tight.

There was that moment when they were taking a train ride when a group of girls kept looking at Louis funny and Harry didn’t notice right away the way that Louis had been curling into him until one of the girls stood up and asked Louis for a photo. Louis had just grabbed Harry’s hand and bolted out of there, getting off at the wrong station. He’d dry-heaved and shook by a wall until Harry called a taxi and took them home. Later on, he’d lashed out at Louis for not telling him what that was all about and then hated himself for thinking that Louis was ever at fault, was disgusted at Louis’ whispered, ‘’they weren’t allowed to take photos of the babes and maybe I should’ve been polite and told them I don’t do that anymore.’’ It was a screaming match for a while there until Liam intervened and they’d finally calmed down enough to think straight and talk through their feelings. That was the first time Harry had asked if he could come with Louis to one of his therapy sessions.

There was also that one time that Harry couldn’t reach his mum and had to call Louis from a police station. He’d run into Nick in the street and without thinking, just starting raining punches on the guy. He’d recognize his tall hair anywhere and the moment Nick had recognized him too, he just blanked out with rage. Louis was furious and made him even more furious when Louis had apologized to Nick and asked him not to press charges. Nick let it go but Harry left the police station and went straight to his mum’s place and didn’t speak to Louis for days.

It took Zayn knocking some sense into him to realize that he shouldn’t be mad at Louis for his past choices or mad at Nick for something that he cannot undo anyways. He’d gone back to Louis with a heavy heart and an ‘’I miss you’’ on his lips before he’d fallen into his welcoming arms and silent hug. He wasn’t sorry for taking his anger out on Nick but he didn’t have to say it for Louis to know that already. But he was sorry at the way that Louis had stared sadly at his barely-healed knuckles and cried as he rubbed them between his fingers. He never ever wants Louis to cry like that ever again.

‘’You look sleepy,’’ Harry says after he finishes his slice of cake. ‘’Bedroom?’’

‘’Hmm,’’ Louis says before he gets up. ‘’Meet you there,’’

Harry looks at him go at first before he gets up and cleans his dish. He then heads to the bathroom and brushes his teeth.

In the bedroom he shares with his boy, he finds Louis lying down in the centre, hands folded over his tummy. It’s late at night, too late to make love, but then Louis opens his eyes and those loving spheres of blue stare at him.

‘’I’m still hungry,’’ Harry says where he’s stood by the foot of the bed.

‘’C’mere then.’’ Louis pulls the thick, heavy blankets away and Harry climbs onto the bed and crawls between his legs. It’s like dipping into infinite warmth, the way that Louis covers them both, the way that his folded legs press his body in, the way his arms wrap around his shoulders.

‘’Full?’’ Louis whispers into his hair. Harry hums as he gets up on his elbows and brackets Louis’ head. ‘’Hello,’’

‘’Hi,’’ Harry says before he dips his head and hugs Louis’ head as he kisses him. There’s no rush, no scheduled agenda, no hurry in their movement. It had taken a while for Louis to get completely comfortable with offering himself up to Harry like this, to actually lie underneath him. It wasn’t easy and many a time, he’d push Harry away and hyperventilate with flashes of memories that sometimes still haunt him.

Harry learns to be infinitely patient and is always quick to assure him that he needs so little when it comes to anything physical, can easily go without. They learn to understand their boundaries and what lines to cross and not to cross. Blow jobs are out of the question for Louis and more often than not, Harry would rather have Louis on top of him anyways than to see his eyes get lost in the past. Honestly he feels more comfortable that way, always has this dread of crushing Louis with his weight since he's taller and bulkier.

Slowly, they’ve become capable of navigating their comfort zones until it became easy to delve into each other’s touches without raising any alarms. Louis likes holding Harry and Harry likes to be held so in time, it was easy for Louis to get Harry to lie on top of him when they kiss and it became easy to love it too. It became easy for Louis to make love to him without needing the lights to be off or for their clothes to remain on. It became easy to find laughter amidst their post-coital moments, easy to learn each other’s bodies and find new things to love each and every time.

Like now, as he kisses Louis, he notes that his lips are not winter-chapped and that he tastes like coconut. The combination is rather lovely.

‘’You put lip balm?’’ Harry asks before he delves in for another taste.

‘’Yeah, my lips were all cracked up this afternoon.’’ Louis says into his lips. His fingers play with his curls as he pushes his head up before he relaxes when Harry continues kissing him. ‘’It kinda hurt.’’

‘’Does it hurt now?’’

‘’Nope,’’

‘’Good,’’ Harry says before he sucks on Louis’ bottom lip for a bit before he lets go. ‘’Can I borrow some?’’

‘’Sure,’’ Louis smiles into his next kiss and then, Harry gets lost in him again, like he usually does.

With Louis, there’s never a tired moment. There’s always room to explore, always more of him to love and fall in love with every day.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

When he and Niall finally finish their exams, a few changes come about.

Liam announces one evening over dinner that he and Sophia have decided to move in together. Now that he’s got the money, he’d put in a down payment for an apartment in the building right across from the diner and will be moving in when the second school term starts. He didn’t want to go somewhere far from work and the place was too convenient to pass it up so he’d snagged the chance and took it.

‘’It’s far from where Sophia works,’’ Liam says. ‘’But we’ll make due.’’

‘’I actually have some news as well.’’ Zayn says. He then announces that he’d bought an apartment in some posh area in London while he’d been abroad and they’d ooh’d and ahh’d at the pictures of the penthouse-like place he got his manager to arrange for him. Louis was immensely proud of him, of all of them.

‘’What about you, Lou? Any plans?’’ Zayn asks.

‘’I like it here,’’ Louis says, looking around at the apartment. It’s right above the diner and though he is doing rather well financially, he’s not really into moving and finding someplace else to live. Its near campus so it’s convenient for Harry and Niall. Moreover, the neighbourhood is safe and that’s really a big bonus for him.

‘’I like it here too,’’ Harry says.

‘’What about you, Ni?’’ Zayn smirks. ‘’How about you move in with me and leave these two love-birds alone, eh?’’

‘’Niall, don’t listen to him.’’ Louis sighs, amused.

‘’Do you have video games?’’ Niall asks.

‘’What the hell?’’ Liam blinks at him.

‘’The very best.’’ Zayn replies.

‘’And a study room?’’

‘’It can be arranged,’’ Zayn nods.

‘’Niall, you’re not being serious!’’ Harry says.

‘’But I feel like you can’t be loud when you’re having sex because of me,’’ Niall frowns.

‘’Niall, what the heck?’’ Louis spews his drink, causing him to cough.

It’s actually rather refreshing, the fact that Niall doesn’t know of his past. He doesn’t pity him the way that Liam sometimes does, doesn’t make assumptions the way that Zayn cannot help himself and doesn’t get way too over-protective like Harry. Louis wants to keep him around if for nothing else but the fact that Niall grounds him, reminds him that he can survive, that he can make it over and above all obstacles he faces.

‘’Am I wrong?’’ Niall asks.

‘’Yes, you are.’’ Louis says as he wipes his mouth. ‘’We don’t have loud sex!’’

''Don't you want to?'' Niall asks.

‘’I do not need to hear this,’’ Liam mutters.

‘’I'm not talking about my sex life!’’ Louis cries.

''Thank goodness,'' Zayn says, amused.

''Anyways, Niall, this is your home, love.'' Louis tells him. ''You can honestly stay forever, yeah? Don't worry about any loud noises or whatever.''

''Yeah, Ni, it's alright.'' Harry agrees.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Niall pouts before he glances at Zayn. ‘’Can I still be invited?’’

‘’Dude, you all have spare keys.’’ Zayn snorts before he throws a bunch of keys on the table. ‘’The place has like, 5 bedrooms or something.’’

It’s a new chapter dawning upon them, the idea of Liam and Zayn moving out but Louis feels like he shouldn’t cling too hard to them, shouldn’t be too worried about their lives and what they make of it.

But that night, Harry hugs him extra tight, like he knows he’ll worry anyways.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

In the end, there was nothing to worry about.

He still sees Liam every day at work and Zayn still comes around every day for lunch and then sleeps upstairs in his old room until it’s time for dinner. He’s gotten too lazy to cook ever since his success took over and even when he’s working between projects, he passes by for either a late dinner before he just crashes in his old room. Sometimes, he’ll be gone for days, working on some masterpiece but he texts as often as possible and then pops up when he’s done with whatever project he’s got going on.

Niall and Harry work as many shifts as their schedules allow them. When Harry had suggested they offer Shawn a job, it was like their team was complete. More often than not, Shawn would even hang out with them after work for drinks and a movie sometimes before he goes home. He’d gotten close to Niall after the case had wrapped up and when they started working together, they got even closer. After Hailee left London, Shawn kept Niall busy and a budding friendship started sprouting between them.

‘’You think something is going on with Ni and Shawn?’’ Harry whispers one night, arm wrapped around Louis’ shoulder where they’re sharing an arm chair. Liam and Sophia are occupying the entire couch, Zayn is sat opposite to him and Harry and Niall and Shawn are on the floor, practically glued from shoulder to thighs.

‘’I don’t think so,’’ Louis whispers back, noting the daggers Zayn was sending Shawn’s way. He’d never asked Zayn if something was ever going on, especially after he’d noted the sort of embarrassed, sort of crest-fallen look on his face after Niall somewhat turned his offer of moving in down. It’s just…if there were feelings, then the timing has never been right but Louis wonders if it was less about the timing and more about something else.

‘’Because of their history?’’ Harry whispers. They’re watching a movie on Netflix and it is quite late and they ought to go to sleep before their big day tomorrow but the movie seemed like a good idea at the time.

‘’Nah, Niall doesn’t hold grudges.’’ Louis says. It’s true; after Shawn told Niall who he really was; Niall didn’t throw a fit of rage or stormed out in anger or anything like that. Even though Louis had sworn Shawn to secrecy about the night club, Louis really doesn’t believe that Niall could hurt a fly. He’d forgiven Shawn and was grateful towards him for stepping forward, simply saying, ‘’better late than never’’ and that was that.

Harry just hums before he focuses back on the movie.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The next day, they take Harry and Zayn’s car for their mini road-trip.

They’re only going to be staying for the weekend, since they’ve got work and everything but they’ve decided that if they can, to make a regular thing out of it for the foreseeable future.

‘’There’s place, I promise.’’ Harry begs him. Anne and Gemma and Robin were coming too but he didn’t want Louis to be riding in Zayn’s car.

‘’Love, it’s alright, we’ll be there in a few hours anyways,’’ Louis pecks his lips. ‘’Besides, we’re sharing a room, yeah?’’

Harry still pouts. He’d been looking forward to a road trip with Louis.

‘’How about we see about the going home, yeah?’’ Louis appeases. ‘’Maybe we can see if Gemma is willing to…’’

‘’Gems!’’ Harry interrupts, calling his sister loudly where she’s putting a bag in the boot of his car. ‘’You’re riding with Zayn when we’re going home, okay?’’

‘’Harry!’’

‘’Sure, why not?’’ Gemma just shrugs before she gets into the passenger seat of his range rover.

‘’Yay,’’ Harry grins at him.

‘’I can’t believe you just did that.’’ Louis just shakes his head at him.

‘’See you soon then.’’ Harry cups his face and kisses him long and sweet before he lets go and gets behind the wheel.

Louis thinks he’s lucky he loves that boy to be too mad at him for anything.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’Hi mama,’’ Niall is the first to break.

Louis can hardly believe it’s been two years since Leona had passed away. Sure, they each have family scattered across the globe, family that had found them and wanted nothing but money from them, family that weren’t there when they needed them, family that came and went and weren’t interested in reconnecting long-term.

Some of Niall’s family who were released had gone back to Ireland to re-start the family business. One of Niall’s brothers had found him and asked him to join them but Niall didn’t. He’d also learned that his mum had passed away from an overdose and that his dad had already gone back and hasn’t bothered to seek him out.

Anne was one day contacted by Harry’s uncle and aunt and though he was adamant and out-right refused to see them, Louis had managed to convince him to do so by promising to go with him. It was an awkward lunch and was made even awkward when it was clear that Harry’s uncle didn’t approve of Harry and Louis holding hands. Harry never heard from them again.

Zayn and Liam’s parents never caused any drama and to them, they were okay with it. Louis sometimes wonders about his sisters and one day, asked if Anne could help him out. She hasn’t found anything yet and to be fair, Louis is in no hurry.

Right now, he focuses on his own family, the family that stood by him when he felt like he had no one, the family that took care of him when he felt so alone. When he felt like he had no purpose, they gave him one and when he felt like he was rotting from within, they watered him like a plant and stopped him from wilting, showered him with love and support that means everything to him.

He watches as Niall places the flowers he’d brought into the marble vase Zayn had sculpted before he opens a flask of water and fills the container up. He watches as Liam and Harry pluck out the weeds, watches as Zayn brushes dust off the tombstone of the only woman who didn’t see him as wasted space, who took him in when no one else did, citing that he was too old to be loved, too old to be placed in anyone’s home, like the rest of them.

‘’Hope Mr. Parker is keeping you entertained up there, mama.’’ Louis cannot help but say, making the boys chuckle and Niall sniffle. Anne, Gemma and Robin are quiet next to him and he appreciates them coming, along with Sophia. They were surprised that morning when Zayn told them that he and Gigi broke up, thinking that she would be coming along as well but Zayn had almost been mysterious about his relationships, doesn’t ever reveal too much depth about them. It’s just strange that he’d broken up with her after Shawn started coming around but Louis didn’t point it out. If Zayn wants to talk, he knows he will.

‘’Do we say something?’’ Niall asks after they all stand up. His eyes are red-rimmed.

‘’Um, I’m sure you can say anything you want.’’ Louis tells him kindly.

‘’Oh,’’

Louis then senses that Niall does want to say something but is maybe a bit too shy to.

‘’Tell you what?’’ Louis says. ‘’We’ll take turns, yeah?’’

‘’Okay,’’ Niall nods his head before he takes out a piece of paper from his pocket.

‘’Go ahead,’’ Louis says when Niall just looks at him.

‘’Um,’’ Niall looks down at his paper. ‘’Hi mama,’’ he starts. ‘’I…’’ he sniffles, hands shaky a bit. Zayn puts his hand around his shoulder where he’s stood next to him and even Liam moves from next to Harry and squeezes in between Louis and Niall and puts his arm around Niall’s waist. It gives him courage to go on.

‘’The boys don’t know this but before I quit the restaurant, a talent agent came up to me on my last day of work and told me he liked my voice and wanted to sign a record deal with me.’’ Niall says, keeping his eyes on the paper. Louis looks up and catches the look of shock on Zayn’s face, is sure its mirror image to his own and everyone else’s. ‘’I turned him down and told him I made a promise to someone to finish uni first. Funny enough, he said he’ll wait.’’ Niall chuckles to himself. ‘’Maybe it has to do with the fact that I told him you’d be very angry with me if I don’t finish school first and he didn’t want that on his conscience. We’ll see if he’s legit or not but I hope that was okay with you. Want to make you proud of me.’’ Niall gets teary-eyed again. ‘’Anyways, I love you.’’ Niall exhales harshly before he dabs at his eyes. ‘’I’m done,’’ he announces before he folds his paper back into his pocket. He looks up at the lads and when no one says anything, Louis clears his throat.

‘’Right,’’ he swallows before he looks next to him and sees Harry already looking. He reaches for his hand and intertwines their fingers. ‘’Hi, mama. You probably already know but the diner is a big hit. It’s all thanks to your recipe book. The food doesn’t always taste the same but I’m trying my best. I hope that’s okay.’’ He hears Liam snort but he ignores him. He knows how much the boys always say that he cooks exactly like Leona but Louis knows it will never be the same, even if he knows all her secret ingredients. ‘’I hope you’re proud of us.’’ Louis continues. ‘’And that you’re happy wherever you are.’’

Harry, Liam and Zayn don’t say much and after that, they just stand there for a while, taking it all in. To Louis, his last memory in the place wasn’t a pleasant one and not just because they had to bury Leona but because of the dread he had felt at the thought of Harry and Niall being taken away from him and then watching it actually happen not too long after. Manchester will always be rife with bittersweet memories to him and though he is happy with his lift now, he wishes for a moment that he could be hugged by Leona one more time. It leaves him feeling hollow, like his chest had been caved in but at the same time, he feels secure and comforted by the fact that he’s probably not alone in the ache he feels.

‘’Let’s go?’’ Niall asks, looking up at him.

‘’Yeah, love.’’ Louis nods. They walk out of there in a stroll, quiet and mellowed out.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

They’re much more cheerful when they go to a nearby diner and sit around in a big family area. Anne listens attentively as Niall tells one story after another of their childhood days. Zayn and Liam contribute with their own anecdotes, sharing stories of their shenanigans. It brings Harry and Gemma immense delight.

The food is good if not a bit greasy but Louis eats heartily. His mood has been greatly up-lifted and though he wishes one day to sit beside Leona’s tombstone and tell her everything the way he told Anne, he feels like he doesn’t need to. When he’d told Anne, he’d been drowning in shame. Somehow, he doesn’t think that it will be the same if he ever gets to share his story with Leona.

‘’Do you guys remember Mrs. Hashem?’’ Niall asks.

‘’Yeah, I remember the old hag.’’ Zayn mutters.

‘’Zayn, c’mon.’’ Louis tells him.

‘’Don’t tell me you forgot when she asked for our pocket money to pay for mama’s funeral.’’ Zayn reminds him, stabbing his salad rather harshly.

‘’I haven’t forgotten but she was a frail old lady and she was also rather poor.’’ Louis says gently. ‘’Leave her be, yeah?’’

Zayn mutters to himself but says nothing of the matter. Niall continues with his story telling, entertaining Anne and everybody.

As they finishes eating and wind down for dessert, Harry rests his head on his shoulder.

‘’You alright, love?’’ Louis asks.

‘’I’m full,’’ Harry tells him before he reaches for his hand and keeps it in his lap, hugged by both of his. ‘’Wanna sleep.’’

‘’We’ll get the check and be off soon.’’ Louis assures him.

‘’Lou?’’

‘’Yeah, love?’’

‘’You’re okay with being here?’’ Harry asks, tilting his head up. ‘’You don’t wanna leave?’’

‘’I’m really alright,’’ Louis says. ‘’We needed to come.’’

‘’But this place makes you sad.’’

‘’I would’ve been sadder if I didn’t show up. That would have been unkind.’’ Louis says.

‘’You think she’s proud of me?’’

‘’Of course she is.’’ Louis wraps his arm around Harry’s shoulders. ‘’What’s brought this up?’’

‘’Can we talk when we’re in the motel?’’ Harry says quietly. ‘’Not now.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Louis says after a while. ‘’I won’t forget.’’

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’What’s up?’’ Louis asks the moment Harry finishes his shower. He’s sharing the room with Harry as promised. Although the plan was to book a motel at first but Zayn and Anne had changed their minds and looked up a hotel instead. Louis still wasn’t used to having enough money to spend on luxuries but he gave in easily, knowing that he can now. He just needed the reminder sometimes.

‘’It’s not a big deal,’’ Harry assures him, keeping a towel around his shoulders since his hair was still dripping wet.

‘’C’mere.’’ Louis gets up on his knees on the bed and seats Harry in front of him. He grabs the towel and starts drying up Harry’s hair. ‘’Talk to me.’’

‘’I feel like I’m a failure.’’ Harry says quietly, making Louis stop.

‘’Why?’’

‘’I mean…Anne is paying for uni and I know she’s okay with that. I know she wants to do that but I mean, I’m not studying anything significant, like, what can I possibly do with an English degree, Lou?’’ Harry asks, frustration in his voice. ‘’And then there’s Niall and he’s worked so hard and he’s going places and I feel like…I’m…’’

‘’Hey, hey…’’ Louis turns him around so he can look at him. ‘’You and Niall are not the same and you shouldn’t be making comparisons.’’

‘’I just feel like I got off easily and I’m just wasting away the privileges I’ve got…’’ Harry says, his lips tilted down. ‘’I should be studying medicine or something, or law like Anne or…’’

‘’Is that what you want to do?’’ Louis interrupts.

‘’No, I don’t think I’m smart enough and I don’t want to let mama down. I promised her uni and…’’

‘’Answer me.’’ Louis says firmly. ‘’Is Law school what you want?’’

Harry doesn’t answer.

‘’Baby,’’ Louis wipes at the hair covering his forehead, rubbing his wet neck with the towel. ‘’What do you really want, hm? What do you want to study?’’

‘’That’s just it, I don’t know.’’ Harry answers. ‘’And I feel like that’s wrong and…’’

‘’Nothing wrong with being uncertain about the future, Haz.’’ Louis tells him. ‘’It’s alright, you can take your time figuring it out.’’

‘’But what if it’s too late? What if I study something that is just a total waste of time?’’

‘’Then you try again,’’ Louis shrugs. ‘’Babe, did you think I knew I’d end up working as a chef in a diner that I partly own? Did you think Zayn ever thought he’d be some artist extraordinaire? We worked so many jobs before and sure, we were just trying to get by but…’’

‘’What?’’

‘’What’s meant to happen will happen, Haz.’’ Louis settles. ‘’Whatever you decide, I will always support you, I will always be there for you, I promise.’’

‘’Even if I end up dropping out of uni?’’ Harry ventures.

‘’Is that what you want?’’

‘’No, but it’s hard.’’ Harry lips quiver. ‘’I feel like I’m not up for it…’’

‘’Babe, you are.’’ Louis cups his cheek. ‘’You can do anything you set your mind to. Have you forgotten how stubborn you are or something?’’

‘’Maybe,’’ Harry laughs airily.

‘’Well, I haven’t.’’ Louis says. ‘’And I will keep reminding you every day until you find your true passion and go for it. Okay?’’

‘’You’ll always be there?’’ Harry asks. He does this sometimes, when he’s feeling small or insecure. He always asks if Louis will always be present, like he doesn’t know that it’s a given.

‘’Always,’’ Louis says before he kisses him. There is nothing he loves more than being needed and when it comes to Harry, he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure he matters. He knows that Harry is special and will one day leave his mark on the world. He doesn’t know how or when but he knows it will happen and he can’t wait for that day to come.

‘’I love you so much,’’ Harry tells him, gathering Louis and arranging him on his lap. ‘’You are still the bravest person I know. I don’t know how you do it, Lou.’’

‘’Do what?’’ Louis ask, arranging the towel around Harry’s shoulder again.

‘’Find the courage to love me,’’ Harry shrugs, ‘’Even though it will be normal if you never do, after everything that’s happened.’’

‘’I only have courage because of you,’’ Louis reminds him. ‘’Wouldn’t be where I am without you.’’

‘’Are we co-dependent?’’ Harry smiles after stealing a brief kiss.

‘’Maybe a little bit.’’ They are sometimes when things get rough, when they have bad days, when they worry too much. But at the same time, they have room for others in their lives. They know not to shut themselves in. So, yeah, just a little.

‘’Sometimes, I just want to keep you all to myself.’’ Harry admits. ‘’Just want to lock the doors and stay in bed with you all day. Do nothing but hold you.’’

‘’We already do that sometimes,’’ Louis chuckles.

‘’But we don’t kiss all day.’’

‘’I don’t think that’s physically possible.’’

‘’We can try,’’ Harry grins.

‘’Tell you what I can do all day?’’ Louis muses.

‘’What?’’ Harry says, eyes dreamy.

‘’I can tell you I love you all day and will never falter.’’ Louis tells him. ‘’I can trust that you will always come back to me when you bid me good day and hug me before you kiss me good night. I can believe in you immeasurably and love you most ardently and never tire.’’ Louis closes his eyes and rests his head on Harry’s forehead. ‘’You make my heart swell.’’

‘’You make mine beat for you,’’ Harry says, voice thick.

''Me too,'' Louis says before he opens his eyes. ‘’I love you with every piece of me.’’

Harry steals a long and sweet kiss. ‘’Ditto.’’

A few years later, Louis will be there in the seats when Harry graduates uni. He will be there when he jumps around after getting a job as an English teacher at a local school. He will be there when Harry regales him with stories about his classes and his kids and listen to him whine about their papers and their grades.

He will be there when Niall graduates sound engineering. He will be there when Niall is approached by the same agent that saw him in the restaurant, who offers him the same record deal he did back then. He will be there when Niall’s first single hits number 1 on the charts and he will be there when Niall goes on his first ever tour.

He will also be there when Zayn pushes Shawn away from Niall in the dressing room because Shawn was about to lean in for a kiss and he will be there when Zayn and Niall start dating, taking social media and the world by storm. That's how famous they'll become, especially after they move in together.

He will be there when he and Liam open up another diner before it turns into a chain of diners and friends of Zayn and Niall, celebrity friends of theirs, come around for a visit and signed autographs that join Zayn’s murals on the walls of their very first diner.

But, above all that, he will always be patiently waiting for Harry to come home to him after work, always eagerly looking forward to how his day went and what his kids were up to this time. He will always be there to receive his kisses and be wrapped up in his loving arms and be his centre of attention.

You see, through it all, Harry is still it for him, and he is it for Harry. It’s just that simple.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bye for now :D
> 
> Stay tuned for my heartbreakweather fic coming soon (My first ever Ziall fic yay!!!!!)

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are always appreciated. You can also check my tumblr account if you'd like :D
> 
> louloubabys1992.tumblr.com


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